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Dear Iraq

December 15th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The frontpage of the online NYT Monday morning, which has since mysteriously and inscrutably changed

Dear Iraq,

Dudes. We can’t tell you how many times we’ve wanted to throw our shoes at Bush. Well, okay, not our own shoes per se, because you don’t just throw away shoes in this economy, not even a pair of grungy scribbled-on Chucks. The point is, we’re no fans of Bush, and we want out of Iraq, too. But when you’re rallying around the Shoe Thrower today, do you think you could refrain from, um, insulting more people?


The thing is, Fu Manchu was considered a criminal “genius,” a man who had “one giant intellect, with all the resources of science past and present.” So if you’re going to compare Bush to an evil Chinaman, please please get it right and pick a dumb one.

hearts and shoes,

DISGRASIAN

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Thanks, Irwin!

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Condi Rice on International Relasians

December 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice arrived for an emergency condolence visit in India this week, an effort to smooth over relations between India and Pakistan during the shaky after-effects of the recent Mumbai terrorist attacks.

Indian and Afghan officials have accused Pakistan of being accountable for the incursions, after the perpetrator in custody was confirmed by India’s officials as being Pakistani (and sang that his compatriots, are too).

Pakistani President Zardari has stated that Pakistan is “in no way responsible” for the aggression, instead offering that the terrorists are likely “stateless actors who have been operating all throughout the region.” This, of course, is unsatisfying to Indian officials that are still grappling for an answer to the violence.

From AP:

Rice [says] Pakistan bears a “special responsibility” to help get to the bottom of the attacks while awkwardly declining to finger Pakistani militants outright.

Rice continued to offer solutions during her talks with Pakistan, whispering*, “Hey, we got this. Just work with me here, and we’ll get some intel that proves Iraq did this in no time.”

*Not true. So not true. Totally fictional. Right?

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Thoughts on Multitasking

October 28th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Dear Barack Obama,

This photo gives me a fantastic idea: Can you be both President of the United States and a new running back for my team, the Pittsburgh Steelers (at the same time)? Somehow I feel that this could diminish the shame of fading in the fourth quarter and losing to Eli “Dopey” Manning and the New York VaGiants last weekend, and the shame I feel regarding my country’s greatest public failures of the last decade (off the top of my head I will list the Iraq War, Katrina, Guantanamo Bay, and the seemingly limitless sucess of The Hills) make me really happy.

Let me know what you think!

xoxo,
Diana

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Merci, Jen!

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ROCK OF ASIAN: White Pegacorn

October 22nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

White Pegacorn, comprised of Linkin Park’s Mike Shinoda and Mark Wakefield, have just released what I must deem Election ’08′s Greatest Hair Metal Ballad: “Barack Your World.”

If the puppets don’t seal the deal, maybe these “greatest lyrics ever” will:

“All I know for sure is/Baby if you were my Iraq/I’d never pull out, if you know what I mean.”

Amazing. Just amazing. The dudes in White Lion must be so pissssssed they didn’t write this first!

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Senator Daniel Akaka

May 26th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Name: Daniel Akaka

Hails from: Honolulu, Hawaii

Occupation: U.S. Senator

Known for: Being the first senator of native Hawaiian ancestry and the only Chinese-American to currently hold that position, serving in the Army Corps of Engineers during WWII, chairing the Senate’s Veterans Affairs Committee, co-sponsoring the new bipartisan GI Bill that promises to provide college educations to Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans after three or more years of service (which Bush is threatening to veto), sporting a bitchin’ silver coif.

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S-Iraqcrifices

May 15th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

President Bush said in an interview on Tuesday that he gave up golf in 2003 because of the Iraq War.

“I don’t want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander-in-chief playing golf,” he said. “I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them.”

Other sacrifices Bush made out of respect for our soldiers include giving up the following:

hard-shelled tacos, watching VH1′s The Flavor of Love, cufflinks, using a battery-powered nose-hair trimmer instead of tiny scissors, aromatherapy candles, learning Spanish, silk boxers, Velveeta dip, having sex with Laura, retractable Sharpie pens, and, the hardest of them all…having the White House chefs cut the crusts off of his sandwiches instead of doing it himself.

Poor, poor George!

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Graduasian

May 5th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Conversasian between George W. Bush and Kasha Maria Charlton, a student whose Kansas town was devastated by a tornado a year ago, at her high school graduation:

GEORGE W.: Well, Kara, this is some graduatin‘ y’all are doin’ here.

KASHA MARIA: Thank you Mr. President. Um… Mr. President, my name is actually Kasha, not Kara.

GEORGE W.: That’s what I said, darlin’. Kara. I know sometimes it’s hard to hear through my axe-int. I’m from Texas. The Mexicanos call it Tey-hoss, but they are wrrrrongo.

KASHA MARIA: Sorry, sir. So yeah, er… Mr. President, there’s a “sh” sound in my name. Kasha.

GEORGE W.: I heard you the first time, goshbedarnit, Kara. It’s not nukular science.

KASHA MARIA: (ashamed) Oh my gosh, you’re right, sir. I’m so sorry, sir. I apologize, Mr. President.

GEORGE W.: Don’t worry about it, kiddo. So what’ve we got goin’ on up in here?

KASHA MARIA: Well sir, this is our high school graduation. We’ve overcome a lot to get here, what with the natural disaster and all.

GEORGE W.: (panicked) There wasn’t a hurricane, was there? Should we Chevy to the levee real quick?

KASHA MARIA: Oh no, sir. So um, Mr. President, I thought you knew–a really big tornado ripped through this area exactly one year ago.

GEORGE W.: Oh yeah! Tornad-a. Rhymes with Al Qaeda. That’s how Dick taught me how to say it. Tornad-a-Al-Qeada is like, a demonic device, which means it helps you remember stuff and stuff. Tornad-as, shoot, we call ‘em spinners at home. They look like Bugles. Delicious! Man, speakin’ of crispy corn snacks, I could really go for a box of Bugles right about now. How’d that spinner of yours turn out, anyway?

KASHA MARIA: Sir, it destroyed 90% of this town. 11 people died. I thought that’s why you came here to speak at our graduation. Because you wanted to take the time out to congratulate us on our success through tragedy, and lift this area’s morale–that is, between your hectic schedule of war-waging, fact-faking, and daughter-marrying.

GEORGE W.: Oh, only 11 people died?

KASHA MARIA: Uh… only?

GEORGE W.: Yeah, it’s like I tell all those donkey-asses every day. Only about 2,000 people died in Katrina. Only 5 grand have died in Iraq. That’s a small price to pay for American national security.

KASHA MARIA: Sir?

GEORGE W.: Hmm?

KASHA MARIA: What do natural disasters have to do with national security?

GEORGE W.: I guess mostly it all has to do with the fact that I don’t give two shakes of a lambs tail about poor people.

KASHA MARIA: What?!?! That doesn’t even make sense!

GEORGE W.: I mean, I feel t-terribly for your people. But t-terror has got to be stopped. Lots of folks kicked the bucket under Clinton and Reagan and heck, tons during World War II. Git the heck off my back, ‘naw what I’m sayin?

KASHA MARIA: Mr. President, no. No I don’t.

GEORGE W.: Well Kashi, that’s because you’re very young. You’ve only finished high school. And I’m sure you worked really hard studying all that ‘rithmetic and verbs and tests like the C.A.T. and stuff. But sometimes you’ve got to be a wealthy white oil man to understand stuff like this.

KASHA MARIA: Right. Mr. President, I actually think I have to go speak to the principal now.

GEORGE W.: That can wait, can’t it? We’re havin’ a blast! I can probably get us some Jell-O shots, if you want ‘em. Jell-O shots always remind me of graduations. Or is it the other way around?

KASHA MARIA: Actually, sir, I have to go to the bathroom.

GEORGE W.: Number one or number two?

KASHA MARIA: Oh my Lord. Will somebody please take the picture?

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Michelle Malkin

March 7th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Michelle Malkin has always reminded me one of those yappy little dogs that has suffered the sad, ugly, unfortunate fate of too much inbreeding. The constant, annoying bark but noticeable lack of bite. The oddly shrunken, slightly fucktarded face. Then there’s that thing where a person is forced to apologize for any kind of associasian: (“It’s my girlfriend’s dog” functions quite like “She’s not the same kind of Asian as me”). There’s also the simple fact that she’s a bitch. And that I think she belongs in a crate.

Because of this, I’ve always kinda assumed that Malkin had a soft spot for little dogs. So I was shocked to see the manner in which she has contested the legitimacy of the infamous YouTube video that depicts a U.S. Marine throwing the puppy off of a cliff, that has been making waves all week. “Disturbing whether the dog is real or fake, dead or alive? Yes,” she writes on her blog. “A hanging offense? No.”

Ever the queen of non sequitur, she proceeds to qualify a theory that the video was faked with the intent to reinforce… soldier hate?

[The] clip is a useful cultural Rorschach test. Those who buy into the soldier-as-monster narrative are up in arms–demanding that the soldiers be hunted down and shot. Just look at the comments section in the YouTube thread.

You’ll find that many academes refer to YouTube comments for citeable research. They’re so factually accurate that we don’t even allow them on DISGRASIAN. But that’s besides the point.

Listen, my cousin is a Marine captain currently serving his time in Iraq–I don’t resent him for this incident. The issue with this horrendous video is not anti-troop sentiment. We support our troops. We are freaked about PTSD. We are horrified that we are destroying our boys’ souls with a war that we shouldn’t have started.

Our bottom line is that the video sickens us. And whether the puppy was dead or alive before it was thrown, or whether worked up YouTube junkies who hate their jobs are misspelling comments about wishing the soldier would rot in hell, none of it is nearly as important as that.

But we’ve got to hand it to Malkin for, as always, missing the point.

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Maya Lin

November 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Name: Maya Lin

Occupation: Sculptor and artist

Known for: Reprznting for women at Yale by designing the campus’ Women’s Table, offering her artistic sense and architectural expertise to Washington State’s ongoing Confluence Project, and, most famously, designing the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in D.C.

As we honored our past and present troops this weekend (which includes Diana’s cousin Victor–big upz), we thought a lot about her vision and contributions to our country. We’re so grateful to have her on our team.

Oh, and yes, we’re just trying to get your brain off of this image:

Ech. Is it next November yet?

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Keep it real, Vic!

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"Shame and Honor, Not Hearts and Minds"

September 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

There’s a really excellent Wired story online by Noah Shachtman, who is reporting from Iraq. Yesterday’s post described an effort on the part of the U.S. Marines to win “hearts and minds” by passing out soccer balls and bags of food to Iraqis, a performance that ended in screaming and gunfire, though no one was hurt.

Balls for Peace? Hmmm.

Shachtman interviewed “Mac” MacAllister, a Marine Corps consultant who is described as someone who “spent years on end studying Middle Eastern history and tribal culture.” MacAllister contends that the U.S. military should focus on shame and honor, not hearts and minds, to win over the Iraqis.

Shame and honor are “limited resources,” Mac explains. “They’re exchanged like currency. And it’s a zero sum game. If I embarrass you, I take some of your honor, and you give me some of your shame. Now you want to do something to get it back.

“The father, off to the side, is thinking, ‘Hey, that’s my job.’ [giving the kid a soccer ball] So you’ve shamed him. He might also know that the kid doesn’t deserve it. Shamed him again. And if you give the ball to the little kid, he could get beat up, since the bigger ones prey on the littler ones. More shame. So does that father grab an Ak-47 and do a drive-by, to get back some of his honor?”

Best damn description of a Shame Spiral that I’ve read in a while, not to mention what’s really happening on the ground in Iraq. Click here for full story.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Summer Vacasian Edition

August 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Vacasian All I Ever Wanted, Vacasian Had to Get Away

August must be the month when DISGRASIANS go on vacasian. Perhaps they can’t stand the heat. Earlier today, Diana and I discussed at length who our DOTW should be, and we were left scratching our heads.

My dad, who is a physics professor, always stressed the importance of math to one’s critical thinking. It was a bummer as a third-grader, when I was doing geometry workbooks and giving book reports on what I read in Scientific American over what seemed like an awfully short summer vacasian. But, in life, it’s come in pretty handy. So Diana and I decided to get out our No. 2 pencils and use deductive reasoning to find our DOTW.

Q: What is the most disgraceful thing happening on the planet?

A: Darfur. Iraq.

Q: Who is responsible for the most disgraceful thing happening on the planet?

A: The Sudanese government. President Bush.

Okay, let’s focus on what’s happening in our own backyard.

Q: Who is responsible for President Bush?

A: Turd Blossom.

And that’s how we “problematized” our DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK. Like everyone else, we’re not buying the “I want to spend more time with my family” horseshit, and we’re sure we haven’t seen the last of Karl Rove’s White Man’s Puff. So let’s enjoy this little summer vacasian while it lasts.

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Tuesday Mourning

July 3rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

22 year-old Shinwoo Kim, Army Medic, was killed last week in Iraq after his unit was attacked by insurgents with makeshift explosives. Kim hailed from Fullerton, Orange County, and, before his death, had told friends that what he missed about home was “driving his brand-new Lexus and eating a Double-Double burger from In-N-Out with a pink lemonade.”

This picture is probably the sweetest one I’ve ever seen of someone dressed in uniform. Shinwoo Kim is one of 3586 American soldiers who have been killed in the Iraq war.

Click here for full obituary.

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