You are currently browsing posts tagged with I Want to be Adopted by Brad and Angelina

Gulf Air Baby “May Be” Up For Adoption

September 14th, 2010 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

A baby born on a Gulf Air flight from Bahrain to Manila who was found alive in an airplane trash bag Sunday “may be” up for adoption if authorities can’t track down his mother or declare the woman unfit, the AP reports.

Baby George Francis being attended to by nurses

The six-pound, nine-ounce baby boy, named George Francis after the plane’s flight code GF, is doing well, despite only being discovered when an airport security officer noticed something moving in one of the trash bags being removed from the plane. Inside the bag, baby George was covered in blood and tissue paper and still attached to the placenta. He was taken immediately to an airport clinic, where he was cleaned, clothed, and fed. Airport nurse Kate Calvo said, “After he was cleaned, he let off a soft cry.” Philippines Social Welfare Secretary Corazon Soliman told the AP the baby looks Filipino. (Also, judging by the picture above, totally adorbs with a gorgeous shock of hair.)

I’m no expert, but let’s assume that a woman who’d throw her baby away in the trash is unfit to parent and get George Francis adopted already, shall we? After enduring his first moments of life in the rubbish heap and being left to die, this kid deserves The World’s Most Awesomest Parents. He needs parents who are going to embarrass him with hugs and kisses. He needs parents who’ll spoil him with too many toys, carry him when he’s way too old to be carried, and let him sleep in their bed when he’s scared. He needs parents who’ll always be there for him and take him wherever they go.

Basically, he needs these people:

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Hardass Asian-Adopter Mom Angelina Jolie

June 3rd, 2010 | 7 comments | Posted by Jen

Happy birthday to Angelina Jolie, who turns 35 Friday!

Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she’s aging well.

Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she likes reading Asian languages.

Like our own Hardass Asian Moms, she sounds a little Continue reading BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Hardass Asian-Adopter Mom Angelina Jolie

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What Kind Of Mom Is Angelina, REALLY?

April 2nd, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Diana

In Touch caused quite a stir this week by releasing an exclusive interview with “Bill,” a man who claims to be a former bodyguard for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The “ugly truth?” Angie’s apparently a bad mother:

“Bill’s” testimony:

“In my opinion, the real Angelina is self-centered and a control freak. She has no patience at all. She doesn’t do things out of the kindness of her heart. And she’s totally psycho.” While Brad is laid-back and patient with his kids’ often wild behavior, Angelina is anything but. “She screams and yells a lot, then walks away,” Bill says, explaining that Angelina would often “disappear into her suite for hours,” leaving staffers — and Brad — to deal with her children. “She would punish them with silence,” says Bill, adding, “I think she could be abusive at times in a mental way.” If the children were to get upset by her withholding behavior, he says, Angelina didn’t seem to care. “She is not moved by tears,” he explains. Still more disturbing, he recalls, Angelina has a “quirky habit” of “giggling when one of her kids would start crying.”

Hmm. This passage actually makes me feel kinda nostalgic (Mommy? Mommy?)…

Here’s a theory: Perhaps Mama Jolie has just been trying her darndest to be an authentic Hardass Asian Mom for her boys! Has anybody ever stopped to think of that? If this guy speaks the truth*, she’s doing a damn good job of giving Maddox and Pax a slice of home!

*Sorry, “Bill”–I don’t believe this shit for a second.

[In Touch: Exclusive Interview - The Ugly Truth About Angelina Jolie]

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Nicole Kidman Wants to Adopt Our Vietnamese Baby

June 2nd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

An Australian tabloid’s reporting that Nicole Kidman is planning to adopt a baby from Vietnam. Kidman and husband Keith Urban already have one child together, 11 month-old Sunday Rose.

Although Dang Minh Dao, deputy of the Department of International Adoption at the Ministry of Justice in Hanoi, told Australia’s New Idea magazine, “Yes, Nicole Kidman wants a baby from Vietnam. We’ve been approached by the American Embassy. This is very sensitive information. We are keeping it closed,” Kidman has denied the rumor.

But I have it on good authority that the rumor is true. I’ve even learned the identity of the baby Kidman plans to adopt.

And her name is…DIANA!


Some of you may be hatin’ right now, because Diana’s going to have celebrity parents and you’re not, but I, for one, am totally stoked. Because this means that 1) I’m finally going to Australia, the last continent I have yet to visit besides Antarctica, 2) I’ll probably get to ride in the Kidman-Urban jet there, and 3) I’m going to be able to call Keith “uncle” and Nicole “auntie” from now on.

Sweeeeet!

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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When Brangelina’s World and Our Considerably Less Beautiful and Fortunate World Collide

January 27th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


MADDOX: Mom, why are Dad and Knox wearing matching hats?

ANGELINA: Because it’s cute, Mad.

MADDOX: It’s not cute. It’s more like–um, what’s the word I’m looking for–oh right…stupid.

ANGELINA: You don’t really believe that! (to self) Remember to smile, remember to smile, paparazzi everywhere. (back to Maddox) Why would you say that? Do you want to match Daddy, too? Is that it? You know we could run out and get you your own newsboy cap–

MADDOX: Ack! Mom! Seriously. That hat is gay.

ANGELINA: Mad, we don’t say things like “that hat is gay.” We’re a progressive, multiracial, multinational family, from all different socio-economic strata, and we are tolerant regardless of race, creed, sexual orientation. (to self) Don’t look pissed-off and hormonal. Don’t give anyone the death-glare. Look happy.

MADDOX: Yeah, yeah, we’ve been through all this.

ANGELINA: How would you like it if somebody said, “That hat’s so boat people”?

MADDOX: I wouldn’t care, because I’ve never been on a boat that wasn’t a yacht, and we have a private jet. Which reminds me, why did we have to fly commercial to Japan?

ANGELINA: Because, honey, we’re just like everyone else. No better, no worse. And sometimes we have to fly commercial to prove that. Just like sometimes we have to carry our own luggage and strap on our own children to our chests with our own Baby Bjorns. (to self) See, world? We’re just like you. Look how we hold our own children’s hands!

MADDOX: Ow, Mom! Speaking of hands, do you think you could ease up on mine a little?

ANGELINA: Sure thing, sweet-pea.

MADDOX: Why do we have, like, 8 people with us on the plane if they don’t carry our stuff for us when the paparazzi are around?

ANGELINA: Because not everyone has 8 people around them at all times to carry their stuff for them. And we don’t want people to think we’re better than them. Because we’re not. We’re a normal family who happens to be better looking than everyone else and makes tons more money, but other than that, we’re just people. (to self) Hear that, everybody? We’re just like you. We relate. Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful.

MADDOX: Whatever. Dad and Knox’s hats are still gay.

ANGELINA: (to self) La-di-da, isn’t life grand? I’m not mad because I’ve lost every award to that pale, babbling, criminal-dater Anne Hathaway! It’s just an honor to be nominated. And to have a beautiful husband and beautiful children! Not to mention beautiful boobs! And to be an ambassador for goodwill and peace and…and orphans! Look at my adorable orphans–and, no, I’m not talking about my beautiful boobs! We could do a production of Annie right here in Narita. The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be suuuuuunnnnn!

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Rumored Impregnasians

December 2nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Angelina Jolie went toy shopping with Maddox recently in New Orleans, an outing that sparked… pregnancy rumors. X17 published the photos with the headline, “Could Angie Be Preggers Again Already?”, and claimed that she was sporting a “tiny little bump.”

Um, exqueeze me?!

If what everyone else on planet Earth would call a flat stomach is now considered a “bump,” I really need an abortion.


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Celebutardasian: The Kids Edition

November 20th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Proof positive that having a baby is good for a Hollywood career: Forbes recently unveiled their second-annual “Hollywood’s Hottest Tots” list (for kids 5 and under), claiming that, in these hard times, “fawning over celebrities and their picturesque families may be just the sort of distraction people need.” Okay, sure, except half of the kids’ families are far from “picturesque,” unless that picture Forbes is referring to is an ugly one painted by breakups, breakdowns, and death (in bold):

  1. Suri Cruise
  2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
  3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
  4. Pax Jolie-Pitt
  5. Sam Alexis-Woods
  6. Cruz Beckham
  7. Matilda Ledger
  8. David Banda
  9. Sean Preston Federline
  10. Sam Sheen

It’s true, though, that people crave new things, which explains why the Jolie-Pitts, who were introduced to the world from 2005-2007 in quick succession, are on the list (Knox and Vivienne were too new, but will undoubtedly dominate next year) and why Sam Alexis Woods, born in 2007, makes the cut (as Dad Tiger always does).

But Suri Cruise wins not because her parents are either revered, pitied, or despised, but because they’re a nonstop creepfest, and that, well, that never gets old.


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Pedestrasians

February 19th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Hey Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt,

Dude, high-five from your Vietnamese sister. What’s up, little man? You’re so cute. You’re so friggin’ cute. I’m so glad you’re not stuck in an orphanage in our homeland eating old rice with your fingers while wearing sandals made out of tires, peddling aluminum coke can helicopters to Isreali tourists. That would suck! Instead, you have scored in life, big time. You have an angelic face, you have bitchin’ hair, you still fit in little pants, and you have parents that will probably let you go out on Fridays and date before you’re 29 (bangs head on desk).

One thing: I’ve noticed over the last year or so, that since your supernatural adoption, you haven’t spent a lot of time on foot. I’ve been meaning to write you about this for months, but hesitated because I thought maybe you had a thing, a condition perhaps, some sort of foot measles or toenail infection or broken knees or something, and god, how awful would that be for me to bring up your “condition” on a public forum like DISGRASIAN? EEEK! I didn’t want to do it, no way. “Can Pax walk?” I only asked myself, because I was too scared that you couldn’t and that someone would think I was a total asshole for asking.

But then I remembered that Jen, my writing partner and pal, doesn’t judge. So I asked her if you could walk and she said yes, he actually went skiing last weekend! So then was like, fer sure that you could walk. PHEW! But just to get really really fer sure, I then found some pictures of you jumping alongside your mom (Side note: Where does she buy all of her flats? Are they all Lanvin?) so I think it’s all pretty much confirmed. You’ve got two feet, and you can get around on ‘em just fine. Sweet.

So just one thing. Not to be your Hardass Asian kinda-sorta-related-only-by-ethnicity sister, but shit, you’re no spring chicken, kid. I think it’s time to get to steppin’, if you know what I mean. And what I mean is, YOU’RE TOO OLD TO BE CARRIED.

I get it, you’re roaming all around town, you get tired, you’re a little guy, blah blah blah. But I have a solution for that. Maybe what you need is a pair of those shoes with the rolly wheels!

I gotta say, these things are pretty cool. They freak me out a little, but that’s just jealousy talking.

So in conclusion, I think you and your family seem pretty happy, but I definitely think that if your lithe mama has to tote your tush any longer, homegirl is gonna exhaust herself like an anorexic marathon runner. Feel free to call me with any questions.

Talk soon! xoxoxoxoxo
Diana

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Upgradasian

December 27th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Ohh boy! Looky loo at my lil’ Vietnamese soul bro Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt! His slacker haircut, that sly smirk, the bitchin’ blazer… he’s undergone a full makeover from the shy days of the past and homeboy looks GOOD.

Oh, Pax, baby, I like your style– screw the competition for cutiest of patootiest in that family (the bar is high), you’re forging the new title of MOST BITCHIN’. And we love it.

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