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Only Time Will Tell

June 12th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

A Historical Timeline of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Rights Progress, 1860-2008:

1860. German activist Karl Heinrich Ulrichs “pioneers” the LGBT rights movement, by coming out publicly and writing books about boy-boy and girl-girl lurve as well as gender variance. He fancies himself “a female psyche in a male body,” which makes him kinda DISGRASIAN’s 19th century soul sista!

1898. German doctor and scribe Magnus Hirschfeld forms the Scientific-Humanitarian Committee to combat the “Paragraph 175″ Law, which makes sex between men illegal.

1940s. The homophile (focused on love more than sex) movement begins with groups in the Netherlands and Denmark, and continue throughout the 1950s and 1960s with groups in Sweden, Norway, the United States, France, Britain and elsewhere. ONE, Inc. is the first public homosexual organization in the United States.

1969. After the Stonewall riots, in which a group of transgender, lesbian and gay male patrons at a New York bar resist a police raid, the Gay Liberation movement rallies and fluorishes. Organizations like the Gay Liberation Front and Gay Activists’ Alliance are born, bringing together hundreds of people that are loud, proud, queer, here, and damned sure to make people used to it.

1978. The International Lesbian and Gay Association forms and continues to campaign for gay and lesbian human rights with the United Nations and country governments.

1990. Queer Nation is founded by AIDS activists from the group ACT UP. Outraged at growing anti-gay and lesbian violence on the streets and prejudice in the media, they start using confrontational tactics and slogans to show that they are a formidable foe.

2004. Massachusetts recognizes gay marriage as legal. Connecticut, Vermont, New Jersey, and New York create unions for same-sex partnerships that aren’t marriages, explicitly defined as offering all the rights and responsibilities of marriage under state (though not federal) law to same-sex couples. Maine, Hawaii, District of Clumbia, Oregon, and Washington create legal unions for same-sex couples that offer varying subsets of the rights and responsibilities of marriage under the laws of those jurisdictions.

2008. The Caliornia Supreme Court rules that excluding same-sex couples from marriage is unconstitutional. Effectively, gay marriage becomes legal in California. DISGRASIAN drinks multiple glasses of rose champagne to celebrate!

2008. Reality star Tila Tequila takes credit for the good news in California: ““It is because of me. I definitely think (my show) has helped the movement… Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about (same sex relationships), then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, (gay marriage) is legal.”

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Thanks, jRu!

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Paranoid Android

May 28th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

To my Vietnamese broham, Trung Le, in Canada (or “Canadia,” as my college roomate once said),

Congratulasians on inventing your country’s first android! Hey, why is she in a wheelchair, may I ask?–Y’know what? Never mind.

Anyway, I have one real suggestion to improve your new robot girlfriend–er, friend.

When you cop an unwanted android feel, she should not wait a moment, swat gently at you, pause, and then state: “I do not like it when you touch my breasts” (as evidenced in the above video).

She should swat and state at the same time.

Again, just a suggestion.


Thanks, Thomas!

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Olsen Emulasian

April 17th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I don’t really care one way or the other when it comes to the Olsen Twins. Wait–I actually don’t think you’re actually supposed to call them “the Olsen Twins” anymore; they prefer you call them “Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen,” or “The Olsens,” but aren’t they in fact twins? It all sounds like a waste of brain space to me.

All I know is that Jen dressed up as MK a few years ago for Halloween, and this other girl Zooey did the same the following year, and they both looked wan and swathed in fabric and faaaaaaaaaaaabulous. Playing a billionaire skinny midge with both a caffeine and Balenciaga problem is FUN. Which is why when Jen put on an enormous, draping, sweater robe in our Boston hotel the other night (during the Harvard stop of this week’s DISGRASIAN tour), I delighted in her resemblance to the Troubled Olsen.

Can’t picture it? She looked almost exactly like this:

…except without the yellow bag and the idiotic fuzz donut around her forehead.

Um, wow.

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January 25th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Our jaws dropped last week when Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee suggested AMENDING THE CONSTITUTION TO REFLECT GOD’S STANDARDS, A PROPOSAL RECEIVED BY A CHEERING AUDIENCE.

To avoid being remiss, here is the more definitive quote, from MSNBC:

“[Some of my opponents] do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it’s a lot easier to change the constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God, and that’s what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it’s in God’s standards rather than try to change God’s standards,” Huckabee said, referring to the need for a constitutional human life amendment and an amendment defining marriage as between a man and a woman.

Um. Amend the constitution? Our founding fathers are rolling like fucking ravers on E in their graves right now. Huh??? Wha???

We expect candidasians to talk crazy talk. What else is new? But what we shouldn’t have to deal with is this:

Norris endorses Mike “Constitution Shmonstitution” Huckabee

Oh, Chuck. Oh, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. He studied with THE MASTER Bruce Lee. He starred in Walker, Texas Ranger for eight freakin’ years! He can kill two stones with one bird!!!

We can say with almost absolute certainty that Lee would not approve of this crazian political tour. Does Chuck need another couple of kicks in the head to remind him of what good sense is?

We certainly think so.


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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Harvard and the Harvard Lampoon

January 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Veritas means “truth”

When I was growing up, three words were sacrosanct in my house: Hafo (Harvard), Yelu (Yale), and M.I.T. (granted, that’s an acronym, but the Massachusetts Institute of Technology is a cruel mouthful for immigrant parents whose second language is English). The first time I visited the East Coast, where my dad attended some physics conference, I toured the Harvard, M.I.T., and Brown campuses, and all I got was a lousy Harvard t-shirt. That seems significant in hindsight. I guess Harvard was, even in my world of Great Hardass Asian Expectations, the crème de la crème.

Four years later, when it came time to apply to colleges, I knew that applying early bettered your chances of getting accepted, and you could only do that for one school, so I chose Yale. It was completely random and I still don’t know why that became my first choice. I am convinced that being first-generasian from a bumfuck Texas town helped get me in, and once that happened, I was so shocked, bewildered, and stoked that I didn’t consider other colleges (even though it nearly cost my parents their house and I immediately went into heavy student debt).

I never perceived any real difference between the two universities, unlike my roommate Mimi’s Hardass Asian Mom, who thought Yale was a safety school and was disappointed for four years that her daughter hadn’t gotten into the big H. The Harvard-Yale game always sucked, because the football sucked, the cheerleaders sucked, the marching bands sucked (on purpose in Yale’s case), the crowd chants sucked, and I’ve always maintained that tailgating–the raison d’etre of that game–is for football pussies. But I could never quite muster up the energy to yell, “Harvard Sucks.”

Diana thinks that Harvard grads have limp handshakes (sorry RJ and Kathy), but I know plenty of “Yalies” (vomits in mouth) who do, too. Because of my early indoctrinasian, I’ve only held Harvard in high esteem–it was Yale in prettier environs–until this week, when I learned that the Harvard Lampoon named Paris Hilton “Woman of the Year.”

Now, for a little history of the award. Past Women of the Year include: Katharine Hepburn, Shirley Maclaine, Lauren Bacall, Julie Andrews, Carol Burnett, Liza Minnelli, Elizabeth Taylor, Lucille Ball, Jodie Foster, Diane Keaton, Goldie Hawn, and Meryl Streep, to name a few.

More recent Women of the Year, like Scarlett Johansson and Halle Berry, may lack the talent of a Kate, Liz or Meryl, but at the very least, they are easy on the eyes.

But Paris Fuckin’ Hilton?!? Whose talents include cocksmoking in grainy homemade videos, flashing her cooter in public, drunk driving, and introducing the phrase “That’s hot” into our cultural vernacular? Paris Hilton with the lazy eye? What?!?

Is this one of those meta-things, which Ivy League whippersnappers are so damned fond of, like a joke of a joke?

Ha ha! Ha ha!

I still don’t get it.

I guess Harvard Sucks.

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December 27th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

While most people, ourselves included, have tried over the last eight months to make sense out of what happened at Virginia Tech in April, or put it out of our minds because it’s too horrific to deal with, or get over the fact that Seung Cho was Asian and a lot of people still think that our peeps are waiting to go apeshit on college campuses, Northern Virginia rappers DZK and F.a.T.–aka Red Giants–have come up with the ultimate coping mechanism in “VA Tech Aftermath”: get rich and fuck the dyin’.

The song, which includes a sample of Seung Cho’s videotaped rant against people he perceived as his spoiled, rich peers, contains these really really smart lyrics on how to deal with the horror of that mass murder:

“I bought the plot where they buried this freak/ And installed not one but three ATM machines…

This message is to you in college/ We don’t care about you and your problems/ You can flip out, stressing over some loot/ It doesn’t really matter how many weapons you shoot/ We’re still ballin’/ Hold up, just let me check my wallet/ I left a message for Cho, hope it’s warm in hell for you/ It’s V-A callin’/ We just wanted to tell you ‘still ballin’!”

Awesome idea, guys! I think this is how we should deal with all kinds of tragedy. When bad shit goes down, like when people get killed and stuff, you gotta make as much ca$h money as possible to really show dead mass murderers what’s what. Yeah, that’s right. So all y’all out there better still be ballin’, or bad shit is gonna happen. Or, bad shit’s gonna happen but it don’t matter if your wallet’s fat. Or something along those lines. Sheeit, this is confusing. Maybe this makes no sense. No, it’s a great idea. I’m still ballin’, you’re still ballin’, we’re all still ballin’, so suck it, Seung Cho! Yeah, that’s right. Peace.


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Music Mix the Bourgeoisie and the Robot

December 7th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Toyota unveiled a new robot yesterday, with company president Katsuaki Watanabe declaring, “We want to create robots that are useful for people in everyday life,” before a crowd of reporters.

Uh, which explains why this robot can play “Pomp and Circumstance” on the violin?!?

I can just imagine the R&D talks that took place in order to make this orchestral Storm Trooper:

“What could be more useful than playing the violin? Isn’t that what we tell all of our children? And we will teach our robot the Suzuki Method, too! So not only will he be proficient, he will be excellent! He will give recitals and play countless high school graduations. Then, one day, he will sit first chair in a world-class orchestra. Oh my god…we are geniuses!!!”

Very useful, Toyota. Very useful, indeed.


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When Worlds Collide: Robot Wedding

June 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
From the AFP: “Robot hosts South Korean wedding”

Robot: Ahem. Can I get everyone’s attention, please? I would like to propose a toast to the beautiful bride and the groom, my creator and friend, Seok Gyeong-Jae.

Groom: Thank you. Everyone, give it up for Tiro the Robot. We’re making history today, as this is the first time a robot has ever hosted a wedding.

(Wedding guests clap.)

Robot: Aw shucks, man. It’s a real honor. I just wanted to tell everybody that the first time I met the bride, I knew that these two were a match made in heaven.

Bride: That is so sweet.

Robot: Seok and I were out at a bar–cuz the dude is and always will be my wingman, right, Seok? Punch it in, brah!

(Robot and Groom fist-knock. Bride raises an eyebrow.)

Anywho, we were at this bar, and this smokin’ hot babe walks in with her girlfriends, and I was, like, Seok, did you see the pair of ti–

Groom: Er, I think it’s time to cut the cake!

Robot: And he was, like, duuuuuude, I wouldn’t mind tapping that a–

Bride: (yelling) Who wants CHAMPAGNE?

Robot: Which didn’t prove so difficult in the end, as our blushing bride here turned out to be a big-time sl–

Bride: Will someone fucking get me a bucket of water or something to throw on this thing?

Robot: Thing? How incredibly offensive. I’m not a thing. I am capable of at least 436 emotions–

Bride: (to Groom) Brilliant idea, by the way. Really genius.

Robot: Seok, buddy. Don’t say I never warned you that she was a C-U-Next-Tues–

(Groom reaches over and pulls the plug on Tiro the Robot.)

Groom: That concludes our toasts for the evening! (to Wedding Photographer) Please take the picture while I am still living and breathing.


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And I Thought Having a Hot Ass Was a Good Thing

June 14th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Japanese gizmo company Thanko recently debuted a workplace essential: THE ASS COOLER.

The Ass Cooler hooks up to your PC and looks like a whoopee cushion. And there’s a Harvard study that shows people with cooler asses prevail in the workplace, “4 to 1.”1

“This sad cubicle makes me want to kill myself. But my ass is sure cool!”


1. There is no evidence that this Harvard study actually exists.


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I Should Be Going Aww! But Instead I’m Going Eek!

June 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Little cubist

I can’t tell what I’m more disturbed by in this video.

1) The mad skillz of this 6 year-old
2) The utter pointlessness of his pursuit
3) The creep-ola “STACKMAT” he slaps at the end to calculate his time, which was probably a birthday present given to him by his Rubik’s Cube Stage Mother

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Surprise! We Made Something Racist

June 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Frankly, I’m not sold or amused. Shame on us.

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That’s More Like It

May 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Bai Ling has been showing up at events lately looking surprisingly tasteful, at the Cannes opening gala, for example. I was beginning to think she was making a bid to be taken seriously, an idea that would forever alter the world as we know it, until I came across this, from her photo-call to promote Shanghai Baby, which is screening at the festival.

Ah. Order is, once again, restored.


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