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Finally, someone has explained the difference between lesbian and bisexual women in an easy-to-comprehend way involving two of our favorite food groups, sushi and hot dogs:
There is nothing like sushi.
But hot dogs are less complicated.
Sushi, however, gets stale.
And hot dogs are more abundant than sushi.
New sushi is not all that different from old sushi.
Yet the author still prefers sushi-eaters.
Name: Takeru Kobayashi
Hails from: Japan
Occupation: Competitive Eater
Why He’s a Babe: Wait, wut? Takeru Kobayashi got hot?! Sure, he got pwned (and disowned by certain people) for the 3rd year running in the biggest event of his, er, sport, but he wins when it comes to making his, er, sport appear less repellent, which is no small achievement. Because competitive eating is gross. But Kobayashi’s new Alexander Wang-ish haircut? Kute!
Keep it up, Takeru. The cuteness, we mean, and not so much the throwing up in your mouth.
Joey Chestnut scarfed 68 hot dogs this weekend to set a new world record for hot dog eating during Nathan’s annual contest at Coney Island. His opponent and archrival also ate many dogs, but sadly, has lost this competition three years in a row–so, like my mom would and his parents probably have, I’ve already forgotten his name.
A few weeks ago, we made Kari Ferrell, aka The Hipster Grifter, DISGRASIAN of the Weak. We did so with some ambivalence, because, really, who gives a fuck if some chick ripped off a coupla hipsters? Especially when she was giving away mouth-handjobs to ‘em like ice cream during a summer day power outage?
The update to Kari is that early Monday morning, she turned herself in and is currently in police custody in Philly. But not before she set the record straight on Friday with ANIMAL, granting them a photo shoot and a video confessional, thus extending her 15 minutes of fame/muse-dom/memetic dominance/internet famous-ness/being the blogosphere’s darling:
Here’s what I love about this video:
- The girl with $60,000 in outstanding warrants–as a result of forged checks, bad checks, and retail theft–has the audacity to publicly chasten her former employer, Vice magazine, for the $200 they allegedly still owe her.
- Though she was an alt-nobody a few weeks ago, who entered public consciousness only because of that New York Observer profile written about her, she implies that the same paper who made the woman, the wo-myth, lacks journalistic integrity for not reaching her for comment.
- Then she gives a flirty “What’s up?” to Gawker as though she wants to give the blog which has given her the most press a mouth-handjob. Guess you can’t say homegirl’s totally ungrateful!
I don’t know about you, but I’m totally ready to let this crazazy chick–once she’s served her time, of course–crash on my couch, drink all my booze, and steal my iPhone, just to hear the charming, twisted, trisyllabic random shit that comes out of her mouth, true or untrue.
That is, so long as she stops posing for photos like this. (A samurai sword? Really?)
Filed under: Branding Geniuses, Crazy Bitches, Criminals, Death to Hipsters, Hipster Grifter Arrested, Hot Dogs, Internet Famous, Kari Farrell Hipster Grifter, Kari Ferrell, Memes, Mouth Handjobs, Samurai Swords
It’s hard to believe the Observer story about Kari Ferrell, aka The Hipster Grifter, only broke two days ago. Since then, there have been Kari sightings in the hipster enclaves of Brooklyn and Philly, apology emails sent by Kari to Gawker and to people sympathetic to her sociopathic plight, self-consciously witty accounts of close encounters with Kari–“The lights went down and, almost instantly, her clammy hand made way for the Croatian Coast. Yes, right there, in the middle of a crowded theatre”–coming every which way out of the woodwork, to the point where one has to wonder if the post-grift grift is making up a story that begins with, “I knew Kari dot dot dot,” an extradition warrant for her arrest, and, of course…authentic Hipster Grifter merch!
In other words, Kari is still grifting us. Instead of stealing our money and our iPhones, she’s stealing our attention. But why? What makes this chick so fascinating? And isn’t that the key to understanding what kept her jig going for years and across several state lines when exposure was only a Google search away?
The most ludicrous theory attempting to explain why Kari managed to scam so many different people for so long despite the glaring inconsistencies in her money/cancer/psychotic ex/employment lies attributes her success to her being Asian (Korean, to be exact). While Asians are generally stereotyped as trustworthy (the fraud stories of Kari, Danny Pang, and those Chinese students buying their diplomas in France, all of which surfaced this week, may put a dint in that one, however), and some hipsters do have raging Asian fetishes, this little narrative convenience is completely fatuous. We’ve seen Asian fetishes rot many things–most notably a man’s appeal–but common sense and a healthy dose of skepticism across the board? Continually?
As Gawker’s already pointed out, Kari got away with her crimes because of her charm. She gave good email. (Her email signature? “Apologies for brevity and any blunders in spelling; this was sent from a fucking iPhone.” Cute cute cute.) She had an adorable haircut. She knew how to use the word “bloviate,” and she probably had the “right” record collection, as in “correct,” “current,” and “cool.” More importantly, she used sex to get what she wanted. She made it known that she liked to give “handjobs with her mouth” and to “throw (a guy’s) proverbial hot dog down her hallway.” Maybe her being Asian sweetened that deal with her young, male victims (read: eager participants in said-sex), but it didn’t seal it. The deal was already closed at that point.
Closed on a handjob instead of a handshake, most likely.
Happy birthday to Takeru Kobayashi, who turned 31 this week–despite nearly a decade of competitively stuffing his gullet with Nathan’s hot dogs (and other fine eats), and compromising both logic and his arteries for the good of the people.
Here’s hoping somebody gives this man some vegetables for his birthday! He probably needs it!
… that I’m suffering from up here in our nation’s fine capital is a HOT DOG, encased by FRIED TATERS (via Dlisted):
And yes, this invention came from the brilliant mind of an Asian (thank you, South Korea!). We freaking rule. The only downside: that I can’t get this beautiful meal right this very second.
Guess I’m still nursing the great American hangover, then. Crap. Fuckin’ D.C.!
We’d kinda assumed that six-time winner Takeru Kobayashi’s dismal loss to Corey Chestnut in last year’s Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest was a fluke.
In our collective imaginasian, Kobayashi walked away from that humiliating loss with a Batman-like commitment: to do everything he could, even if it meant killing himself trying, to make his next contest a victorious one. Not one to settle for #2 twice, he surely ran-not-walked directly home and checked himself into an intense 364-day training camp: 25-dog Tuesdays (for speed training), 75-dog Wednesdays (for endurance), soy-dog Wednesdays (for variety), three hours of morning stomach stretches, 32,000 calories-worth of daily cardio, evening shove-and-swallow drills, and a nightly regimen of anti-cholesterol pills. He didn’t talk to friends or family in all of that time. He barely saw daylight and spent his free time in a dark retreat, decorated only with abstract art depictions of hot dogs, buns, and condiments.
The newly-improved Kobayashi that would step on the stage on July 4, 2008–a year later, a world wiser–would be a changed man, a superman possibly, one whose stomach was more flexible than a Romanian gymnast and jaw looser than a sorority girl in San Diego.
KOBAYASHI WOULD NOT LOSE AGAIN. KOBAYASHI WOULD PROVE TO THE WORLD THAT HE WAS, IS, AND ALWAYS SHALL BE A WEINER WINNER.
But, every once in a rare while, we’re not right about these things–Kobayashi lost the battle for the second year in a row (to his credit, he did so in a five-dog OT). He did not, as we had hoped, “crush Joey’s chestnuts”… but he tried his hardest. He tried his fucking hardest and we truly, truly believe that.
Unfortunately, we’re Asian, and don’t give two shits about “trying.” We’re totally ashamed of him and think he’s a LOSER!
Happy (?) Memorial Daysian, everybody! We are taking the rest of the afternoon off to honor our fallen patriots with barbecued food, extreme sporting vacay, and daytime inebriasian.
And yes, we agree, that is certainly missing the point.
To paraphrase a certain saying, those who live by the hot dog, die by the hot dog. (According to IMDB, Orson Welles once ate 18 Pink’s hot dogs at one sitting, and he died of a heart attack.) Yet there was something sad about the dethroning of six-time champ Takeru Kobayashi in the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest yesterday by that awful Seth Myers-character, Joey Chestnut. After scarfing 66 dogs in 12 minutes, setting a new world record, the horse-faced Chestnut wrapped himself in an American flag, like an Olympic sprinter taking a victory lap.
Afterward, ESPN’s gleeful, hours-long drubbing of Kobayashi–who garnered little sympathy pre-competition by publicly claiming he was suffering from a mysterious jaw ailment–felt about as wholesome and fair as picking on a retarded kid. ESPN replayed the clip of Kobayashi puking and then shoving vomit back into his mouth over and over, only to ban the clip this morning. Fucking hypocrites!
I’m not against showing the clip, only the bullying humiliasian that followed. Hope you had a light lunch, because here tis: