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Oh Mickey, You’re So Fine

January 15th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Page Six, ever the bearer of truthful word, reported today that wow-and-I-do-mean-wow-face Mickey Rourke was accosted by Bai Ling at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont just the other night. In Richard Johnson’s own icky words, the odd duo “made out and partied pretty hard.”

I’ll be honest. My gut reaction was to write: Dude, I thought Rourke was freaking uh-mazing in his unrelenting lead role in ‘The Wrestler‘. That, however, did not cause me to hearken back to his younger, more beautiful days, and rekindle a desire to suck his mangled face. Dude, Bai. Do your Adductor thigh muscles only respond to IMDB stats? What is the deal?

Then, of course, I had to go and do what I loathe most: a little research. This naturally led me down a slippery slope to one of Bai Ling’s online biographies–which includes the following blurb about her personal life:

She is friends with Kimberly Stewart. She dated a play actor in the mid-1980s in China, and music composer Qu Xiao-Song in the mid 1990s, and Chris Isaak 1999-2001. She was briefly said to be romantically linked to Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. Rumors spread that Bai was engaged to him, but Carter denied the rumors, saying they were “just friends”. More recently, Ling has been linked to Dionne Warwick’s son, Damon Elliott, though the two are not currently dating.

ZzzZzZzzzzSo… okay. How can anyone with even a pittance of warmth in their heart (that’s about all I’ve got) look at that sad little collection of facts and not feel kinda bad for the poor woman? Ling’s personal life, despite her fondness for dancing and easily accessible breasts, actually seems duller than Sienna Miller’s mangy hair. I wouldn’t wish that kind of dry love life on anyone, not even this crazy bitch.

So instead, I’m really very psyched for Ling, and happy about the fact that she got some aggressive tongue action the other night, even if it makes me go “Eww.” Here’s hoping she got felt up and maybe even fingerbanged! Anything to spice up that sad little paragraph.

And–guys, take a look at Rourke’s fuckin’ FACE!–I do mean anything.

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May 13th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

When we learned that Scribner had inked a book deal with Tila Tequila, we laughed. Hard.

No, we don’t think it’s funny that Scribner thinks any fan of Tequila’s can read (“Hooking Up with Tila Tequila is the book her fans have been waiting for,” says the publisher’s release). And we certainly don’t find it laughable that the tome is to be called Hooking Up With Tila Tequila. What a clever title! We don’t even think that Tequila’s reasoning for penning her memoirs seem that unreasonable: “My fans write me every day with questions so I figured instead of responding and sitting there taking hours, I’ll just put all the answers in a book from all their questions” –because come on! Everybody knows that the best way to save a couple of hours is to write a book.

Scribner describes the insta-classic as: “Tila’s no-holds-barred thoughts on love, fame, happiness, and success and the remarkable story of how the child of Vietnamese immigrants singlehandedly harnessed the web to become the 21st century’s hottest sex symbol.”

Hey, we have plenty of advice for the girl–Jen and I actually spent the better part of last summer writing a book proposal. Good lord, was that a good time!! Two months of brainstorming, four months of writing, three weekends of intense creative retreats, seventeen book format ideas, fifty pages of bullet-pointed notes, 120 pages of brain vomit, fifty-six draft revisions, six completed chapters, forty-five nights of lost sleep, three mental breakdowns, one fight, two pseudo-tiffs, nineteen bottles of scotch, thirty-eight glasses of wine, fourteen moments of lost confidence, forty moments of lost mind, five printer failures, two creepy too-long encounters with a CopyMat employee, and about 34,567 shed tears. We worked through our issues with Bai Ling, I spent over twenty-four hours looking at photos of Tila, Jen sorted through our aversion to insanity until she felt insane, and I resolved my relationship with my own Vietnamese immigrant family. Funnily enough.

So of course, when we saw that Tila had decided to write a book, we laughed. Hard.

Thanks, Jasmine

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