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HONORASIAN ALERT: This Hannah Montana-Hating, Metallica-Loving Kid

February 25th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

If this kid isn’t DISGRASIAN’s love child…


…I don’t know who is.

You fucking rule, kid.

[via BuzzFeed]

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HONORASIAN ALERT: Myron Rolle

January 13th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Dear Myron,

I am writing today to begrudgingly extend a formal invitasian to you to join the tribe. Here is a brief overview of your accomplishments that helped sway our decision-making process:

  • First, ESPN rated you the number one high school football prospect in the country. This ranking, of course, didn’t at all factor in your pristine 4.0 GPA.
  • Then, you play Division I football at Florida State, at the safety position, my personal favorite.
  • Next, you graduate in two-and-a-half years, pre-med. Why, Myron, why? For shits and giggles? Because Orgo was just too easy for you? Jesus.
  • Then you decide to get a Master’s of Public Administration while finishing up at FSU.
  • And then you win the Rhodes.
  • BUT...what to do what to do? The NFL wants you. You’re projected to go in the top 49 picks!
  • Oxford? The NFL? Oxford? The NFL? Oh, to have your high-class problems.
  • Finally, you announce this week that the NFL will have to wait a year–I mean, who does that?–so that you can pursue your MA in medical anthropology, whatever the foos that is, and rub elbows with future world leaders and whoever is going to be your generation’s Kris Kristofferson.
  • Not to brag, but you tell the world that once your NFL career is over, you’re going to attend medical school and become a neurosurgeon, with the hopes of “opening up a clinic for the needy in the Bahamas,” where your family is from.
  • Also, you’re a beautiful, beautiful man.

Once this post goes up, thousands of Hardass Asian Parents around the country will be calling up their hospitals, wondering if they weren’t the victims of some cruel baby-switch and if you aren’t, in fact, their long lost son. Prepare yourself for the onslaught, the way a QB might protect his rib cage when he sees you coming on a blitz. (Never mind that you’re black and they’re yellow; Asian parents can be awfully convincing when they think they’re right, which is always.)

And thanks so much for making the rest of us look bad. Even though we think you’re actually a showoff jerk, we would still like to confer Honorasian status on you. Because, as the old saying goes, If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em to your hip, make ‘em play for your team, and don’t ever let go, or something like that.

So, whaddya say?

ever-so-humbly yours (and not liking it one damn bit),
Jen

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Michel Gondry Is French for Genius

March 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I finally watched Be Kind Rewind last night, Michel Gondry’s new valentine to moviemaking, and I could not stop giggling. Gondry’s “Sweded” version of Rush Hour 2, with Jack Black as Jackie Chan and Mos Def as Chris Tucker, is a pitch-perfect send-up of that pile of poo.

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Sam "I Am…Jen’s Grandma" Cassell

February 29th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Hi Sam!

Duuude. I’m so pissed that the Clips let you go. As some people know, you bear an uncanny resemblance to my wai puo and I just, like, love you for that. All of these sports writers are now calling you “injury-prone” and old, which may be true, but shoot, so is grandma, and when it’s time for her to suit up and get her mah-jong game on, she brings it and cleans her friends’ clocks. I know you’re cut from the same cloth. So do the Celtics, apparently, which is a helluva step up from the Clips. Who are now dead to me.

See you in the Eastern Conference finals, Sam-ma!

familially yours,
Jen

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

February 7th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Today we honor the 34th birthday of Honorasian Steve Nash, point guard for the Phoenix Suns. We love point guards particularly cuz they’re compact, nimble, and smart–Nash is all of those things turned up to eleven. Happy Birthday, Steve! You’re a god!

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ROCK OF ASIAN: The Pipettes

December 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The NY Times recently mentioned that retro concept-trio The Pipettes were launched in Japan because it seemed their cute polka-dot outfits and sugary harmonies would stick faster, and we’ll admit, we sniffed a little. Ka-Ching Chong, indeed!

But when we watched their video (above) for “Because It’s Not Love (But It’s Still A Feeling), which was partially funded by Panasonic to serve doubly as a commercial, we realized that The Pipettes are simply trying to, as Tim Gunn would say, make it work in a quickly imploding musical industry. It’s pretty Honorasian of them to hop on the techno-consumerism train to make their indie shtick work. And they’re so damn cute that we hope they become big everywhere else, too.

Check The Pipettes out officially here.

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Thanks, jRu!

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Sexual Frustrasian

October 19th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Sir Ian McKellen’s recounted a recent visit to Singapore–where public acts of homosexuality are illegal and punishable–in today’s Malaysia Sun. The man behind Magneto had himself some fun with the hosts of their version of Live with Regis and Kelly:

“I didn’t realise, as a gay man, that I’d be a criminal once I arrived because it’s illegal for a man to make love to another man in Singapore. I was rather naughty because I was on an early morning show, the sort of show that happens all over the world on TV, where you get a couple who are clearly not married or related that flirt all the time, usually an older man with a younger woman.

At the end of the interview, they asked what was I looking forward to doing while I was in Singapore. And I looked at the man, who was clearly straight, and said, `Can you recommend any decent gay bars?’ which would be illegal in every possible way. I looked at the playback of the programme afterwards and I’ve never seen the credits come up (on the screen) so quickly.”

Honorasian alert! Sir Ian McKellan, you cad, we applaud you for your making Singapore your bitch. And for scoring a point for the “criminals”–if gaysian love is wrong, we don’t want to be right!

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HONORASIAN OF THE WEEK aka New Category Featuring Hot Dudes Diana Thinks Should be Amazians of The Week

September 18th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Name: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Occupation: Actor

Known for: Playing the cutest damn alien on our favorite sitcom ever–3rd Rock From the Sun, tickling our brains with the tongue twisters of our favorite indie of ’05–Brick, reprznt’n for Columbia alumni, and being a former child star without a punchline or a rock bottom.

The NY Times recently featured our amazing pal in a T Magazine piece. Read it and see all of the smokin’ hot pictures of Joe (like the one featured above) here.

The twist: Though a reliable source has repeatedly assured us that Joe has “two very adorable Jewish parents,” Diana simply can’t wrap her head around how somebody can be so darling and so prodigious without being at least a teensy bit Asian (he really isn’t, not even a teensy bit). As a result, she’s invented the new category–kinda sorta just for him. Enjoy.

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Finally, Someone Else Agrees

September 14th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Reformed Actress Danica McKellar–and former wet dream of every boy in my junior high school class–has redeemed herself from a past filled with call sheets, auditions, and celebrity– by writing a book.

Sure, you could call her a washed-up child star with a hokey idea.

But at least someone finally agrees with us.

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R.I.P. Hilly Kristal and CBGB

August 29th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

We are saddened to hear that Honorasian Hilly Krystal, punk-rock legend and founder of legendary rock club CBGB, has passed away due to lung cancer complications at 75. His pioneering legacy and the incredible bands he helped elevate are among the things that survive him. Incidentally, CBGB closed its doors permanently less than a year ago.

This makes us want to shut our bedroom door, cue up Television’s Marquee Moon, bawl our eyes out, and quietly put out our cigarettes.

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

August 16th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Happy 45th Birthday, Steve Carrell! We’re just hoping that one day you’ll hold a press conference and reveal that “Carrell” is just your stage name and your real name is “Chou.” In the meantime, we’ll just appreciate that you are an incredible, brilliant, hilarious Honorasian. And hope that you invite us to your birthday party.

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Honorasian Alert!

August 14th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Seriously, are these dudes Asian? ‘Cause they should be.



Thanks, Chris!

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