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Hardass Asian Parents, do you wish your lazy, spoiled, selfish children would show some gratitude for all the sacrifices you’ve made for them by offering up a smile now and then? Is that too much to ask???
Welp, if it is, you can simply force their little mouths open with the Electro Smile, a device allegedly invented by a Japanese scientist that sends electric shocks to a child’s cheeks, producing a smile that “lasts for Days.”
The gadget warns of an “only slight twitch side effect,” along with an only slight your-child-hating-you-forever-and-thinking-you’re-a-sadistic-fuck-for-the-rest-of-his-or-her-life (deep breath) effect.
[UPDATE: The photo above is for a real product, albeit one that doesn't deliver electroshocks (sorry, Tiger Moms). And the text is fake and not just the result of a horrible translation. The real product, as I learned from the comments section of Neatorama, is called a Kami Kami sensor, and it counts the number of bites children make while eating their food. Which actually seems way less useful than an electroshock smile therapy tool, don't you think?]
Filed under: Alleged Weird Japanese Behavior, Electroshock Therapy, Electroshock Therapy for Smiling, Fake, Gadgets, Gizmos, Hoaxes, Inventions, Japanese Gadgets, Japanese Inventions, Paging John Yoo, Real or Fake, Sadistic Stuff, Smile, Smiling is Nice, The Electro Smile, Torture, Torture Devices, Twisted Sister, Useful Things, Weird Japanese Behavior, WTF?
Dear Mr. Kenneth Tong:
Earlier this week, I started reading stories about you and this idea of “managed anorexia,” a Twitter campaign you launched then claimed was a hoax, but only, it seems, after a journalist mentioned the possibility of legal action against you because of it.
I sent a few links about this story to Jen and Diana, the editors of this blog. As their intern, it’s part of my job to look for stories they may want to write about on the site.
I figured you were a shoo-in for “DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK,” a weekly dishonor given to someone or something that has done something so foul and terrible that we may all be worse off because of it. Something so bad it’s almost worth not writing about but for the fact that we have to warn others about the bullshit you’ve perpetrated.
Also, I figured that having DOTW on your resume would be a natural fit for someone whose only previous claim to fame was as a contestant on “Big Brother UK”.
They asked if I could write a response to you and to your story. They asked me to do this because I first alerted them to it, and because I seemed pretty well invested in taking you down.
I also wonder if they asked me to do this because I’m fat.
So, Mr. Kenneth Tong, I want to thank you.
Thank you for causing even a fraction of a millisecond of a doubt in my mind about the reason behind Jen and Diana asking me to write this story.
Thank you for taking it upon yourself to use Twitter to bully and harass the women who were unfortunate enough to read your posts.
Thank you for showing the world the truth of the hate that you have for fat people, for women, for people with eating disorders, for the people who love them, and for pretty much every decent person on earth.
Thank you for using anorexia, an eating disorder, and exploiting it for the sake of an experiment “to go from nowhere to be a globally recognized figure within a week harnessing the power of the internet and specifically Twitter.” I’m sure that people suffering from anorexia and other eating disorders were happy they could lend a hand in the effort to promote you.
Thank you for using the interviews you’ve given to the press since you began this awful game (because it’s just a game to you, isn’t it?) to promote yourself instead of clearing up any assertions you made about anorexia, or to offer real apologizes to anyone you may have offended or harmed.
Thank you for re-tweeting every single negative message you received on Twitter in response to “managed anorexia”, because it shows you really only care about yourself.
Thank you for showing me that when I thought I’d heard every insult and every bad word you could hurl at a fat person, you came up with even more.
Thank you for making me think about you, and how much I hate what you have to say, when really I would have been much better off focusing on more important things like who I think is going to win big at The Golden Globes on Sunday, or cleaning my bathroom.
Thank you for making me fearful of posting a picture of myself on-line, of writing this post, of showing people who I am, because now all I can think of is being judged or, even worse, being ignored, because I am fat.
Jasmine (aka, Fatso, Fatty Fat Fat, Fat Bitch, and so on and so forth)
Filed under: Anorexia, Assholes, Backpedaling, Big Brother Contestants, Bulimia, Dicks, Eating Disorders, Fame Trolls, Fame Whores, Fat, Hoaxes, Hong Kong Chinese, Kenneth Tong, Reality TV, Reality TV Contestants, Sizists, Some People Need Muzzles, Trolls, Twitter, Twitter Wars, What The Fuck Is Managed Anorexia?
“If you didn’t see the commercial it is pathetic. Al Gore coulda written the thing. It starts out with a poor little polar bear barely surviving on a tiny little what is supposed to be melting glacier — which is common, ordinary practice, them on an ice floe. The polar bear can swim 60 miles. They go out there and they cool off on these things, sit in the sun on them. Then it shows a distant glacier that the small little one had broken off from. And then the polar bear swims and swims and swims and swims and finally gets to the iceberg and keeps going, keeps going, keeps going through neighborhoods. It goes all the way down to America from the North Pole, all the way to America, and finally finds a driveway where there is an electric car, sneaks up on the owner who is about to get in it and gives the owner a hug. The polar bear with tears in its eyes gives the frightened owner of the Nissan a hug. For supposedly doing something to save the polar bear. The whole thing is just a fraud.”
We all know that Rush Limbaugh believes that global warming is a bunch of bullshit. We know he is a bloated blowhard, drug addict and idiot. He’s also an insensitive, irresponsible fuck when it comes to words:
“They got market research that obviously says this is the way to sell the electric car. Sell it with guilt, sell it to these Nimrods who think like this idiot who took hostages at the Discovery network building.”
Filed under: Conservatards, Conservative Pieces of Shit, Dangerous Words, Environmentalism, Global Warming Is Not A Myth, Hoaxes, Irresponsible Language, Nissan LEAF, Nissan LEAF Polar Bear Ad, Polar Bears, Radio Hosts, Rush Limbaugh, Talk Radio, Thanks for the press Rush
ABCNews.com–under its “Entertainment” section, it should be noted–posted a disturbing portrait Tuesday of Mayumi Heene, Balloon Boy’s mother. The story, “Balloon Boy Mom: Co-Conspirator or Abused Wife?” not only suggests that Mayumi may be a victim in this saga, but that her being Japanese has something to do with it.
The piece brings up the 911 call that brought police to the Heene house last February, when Mayumi appeared to have been hit in the face, and centers largely around allegations made by Richard Heene’s former business partner, Barbara Slusser, who worked with him on his “Psyience Detectives” web show. Slusser told ABCNews.com that Mayumi’s “Japanese background has kept her in a subservient relationship with her husband and three boys,” and also called the mother of three “the most stoic person” and “basically (Richard’s) slave.”
Another former Richard Heene friend and colleague, Scott Stevens, echoed Slusser’s statements.
It’s a cultural thing and (Richard) leveraged that knowledge,” Stevens said. “He believed that Asian women can be subservient and that’s what he wanted. But it takes two to tango and she was with him for more than a decade. Every day that was the dynamic in play.”
The story went on to note how, for the Heenes’ first of two appearances on Wife Swap, the show promo painted the following picture of the couple: “While Richard devotes every moment to his research, he expects Mayumi to cook, clean and run the house without any help.” And how, in that October 2008 episode, Richard screamed at the woman who swapped places with his wife for two weeks, “You’re a man’s nightmare. I’m so glad my wife was born in Japan.”
So, if we’re to believe this report, Mayumi Heene is essentially a sad, suffering-in-silence, subservient–a word used three times to describe her–Asian woman cliche (and Richard Heene, as everyone’s suspected all along, a gaping, raging asshole). There is, however, one startling revelation in the story that prevents us from writing off Mayumi as a total victim: she and Richard have SEPARATE legal representation. In other words, if the Heenes are going to go down like their little Mylar balloon for this hoax, they’re not going to go down together.
Lee Christian, Mayumi’s lawyer, said the accounts given by Slusser and others indicate that the woman should not be accused of being a co-conspirator in any alleged hoax.
“I can’t comment on the specific allegations here but if those statements are indeed true, then the district attorney needs to seriously think about whether to charge Mrs. Heene in this case,” Christian said.
Selling out your domineering husband when faced with criminal charges? That’s one helluva way to show him who’s boss.
Filed under: Balloon Boy, Battered Women, Clichés, Falcon Heene, Hoaxes, Long-Suffering Wives, Mayumi Heene, Media Frenzy, Media Whores, Richard Heene, Scandals, Stereotypes, Submissive Asian Women, Subservient Women
Well, we said Balloon Boy’s father, Richard Heene, was a bad actor, but little did we know that he actually went to school for that shit. During a press conference Sunday, when Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden officially declared the Balloon Boy incident a hoax, Alderden also mentioned that Richard and his wife Mayumi met at a Hollywood acting school. (Various sources confirm it was the Lee Strasberg Theatre and Film Institute in West Hollywood.)
With the Heenes now potentially facing felony criminal charges, the lesson here: BAD ACTING IS A CRIME after all.
But it still might pay. Because if, in fact, Richard and Mayumi “did this for the show,” to sell their family dysfunction as reality TV as people are saying–they already approached TLC a few months ago, but the Jon & Kate network passed–the Heenes may have a leg up on the competition, because everyone knows that bad acting is also the backbone of reality TV.
Just ask these clowns:
My favorite curator of the interwebz, BuzzFeed, and the awesomeness that is Peggy Wang–BuzzFeed senior editor and frontwoman of The Pains of Being Pure at Heart–posted a photo of a frightening billboard this week:
Turns out the photo is yet another wonder of Photoshop, a hoax that started cropping up late last year. Here is the original, which appeared in three places in South Carolina in 2006 and was brought to you by Truth Ministry, based in Spartanburg:
Which makes me think the Photoshopped billboard wasn’t really a hoax or “spoof” as contended by Truth Ministry–a horrible waste of an industrial-rock band name IMHO–since you can choose to be gay about as much as you can choose to be Asian.
On Thursday, college student Aliza Shvarts told the Yale Daily News that she had artificially inseminated herself and then induced abortions over the course of nine months for her senior art project.
“I hope it inspires some sort of discourse,” she said.
After everyone on the internet fuh-reaked out over it, Yale officials quickly issued a statement claiming Shvarts’ project was a hoax, “a creative fiction” and “performance art.”
Today, however, Shvarts wrote in the YDN that the art project was real, although she couldn’t confirm whether or not she ever got pregnant.
“On the 28th day of my cycle, I would ingest an abortifacient, after which I would experience cramps and heavy bleeding.
…this performance piece has numerous conceptual goals. The first is to assert that often, normative understandings of biological function are a mythology imposed on form…
…it is a myth that ovaries and a uterus are meant to birth a child.”
What?!? Boy do we feel duped. Goddamn you, “biology”!!!
One thing’s for certain. Aliza really got us discoursing, alright. And we feel for the girl. Heavy-flow periods are a bitch, and the attendant mood swings–they make us crazier than a bag of squirrel dicks. Which is why we don’t blame her for staining her favorite pair of white pants and mistaking it for “art.” Nor do we think she’s really responsible for being so fucking annoying and pretentious. Girlfriend’s been through a lot, and what she needs now is some dark chocolate, a box of Super Plus Tampax, and a fistful of Midol.
This just in from Australian news outfit, The Age: “Hoax text message spreads tsunami terror”
Thousands of people fled their homes in panic on the Indonesian coast after hoax SMS messages warned them a tsunami will hit the region.
“The possibility is that a tsunami may take place on June 7,” said part of a short telephone text message (SMS) that is widely circulating in various coastal areas of Nusa Tenggara province, local journalists said.
YGBSM. WTF?!? G1 A-HOLES.
What is it about Japan and poodles? You may remember Diana’s hilarious post “Some Women Are Dogs” (it’s worth another look), and also that fake news story circulating a month ago about thousands of Japanese buying poodles over the internet and not realizing that they were sheep (thanks to Ty for that tip). The story itself was a hoax, but not before lots of people got their digs in on those key-razy Japs–they’re so gullible! they’re so absurd! they’re so wack…they must be retahded!
Apparently, the poodle is the 8th most popular breed in Japan. The breed is sure to get a bump in popularity after Smash, a Japanese-born French Poodle, took best in show last week at the World Dog Show in Mexico City.