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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Diane Keng

May 10th, 2010 | 13 comments | Posted by Diana

Name: Diane Keng

Age: 18

Hails from: Silicon Valley

Occupation: High school senior, CEO

Known for: Doing business. WSJ just profiled Keng, a high school senior that presented her company, MyWeboo.com (a social networking management site that launched in March), to venture capitalists at last week’s Web 2.0 Expo in San Francisco. Keng shares MyWeboo with her 25-year-old brother, but it’s her third start-up company.  Yeah, that’s right muthafuckaz! THIRD START-UP.

Did we forget to mention that Keng started her first company at age 16, but bailed because it wasn’t making enough money? And that despite her busy business schedule, she still does well in school and plays badminton? By golly, Keng is my a Hardass Asian Parent’s WET DREAM. Perhaps that’s why her dad gave her $100k in tuition money and my dad still regrets paying for my English degree. *sigh*

[MyWeboo.com]
[via 8 Asians]
[WSJ: Report Card? How About That Annual Report]

**This post has been changed to fix some factual errors. Thanks, Diane!

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Bobby Jindal

July 3rd, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana



“Hello America! I’m Bobby Jindal, Governor of Louisiana. Perhaps you remember me from my
awesomely bad Republican response to President Obama’s February 24 speech? I’ve been super busy in my home state lately–in fact, I just passed some cool new legislation, just this week! See, here’s the thing: all of us here around the office, we’d been thinking–there are lots of dummies around these parts, young adults that grow up unable to do hard stuff like add and read, and that makes us, like us-us, look bad. It’s like we have an educational problem or something.

So we solved it! This new legislation will allow kids to get into high school without taking some dumb, difficult standardized tests. And if somebody isn’t “feeling” high school, they can just get on the “career track” program and have easier requirements! They would’ve “slipped through the cracks” anyway, guys!

Phew! So it’s a win-win for all involved–we don’t need to improve the schooling, the students don’t need to improve themselves, and everyone looks better for it. Mediocrity has never tasted so good!”

[2theadvocate: Gov. Jindal approves new diploma ]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Study Up, Miss World

November 11th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

OH NO!

It looks like the Hardass Asian Officials of my homeland have dethroned their lovely Miss Vietnam, 18-year-old Tran Thi Thuy Dung (pictured right), following government investigators’ discovery that she did not complete high school. Tran was taken out of school by her mother earlier this year, in order to prepare for a high-school equivalency qualification to improve her odds of studying in the U.S.

Currently, no suitable replacement has been found. The Wall Street Journal reports:

Shocked, Ministry of Culture officials stripped 18-year-old Tran Thi Thuy Dung of her most coveted prize — the right to represent Vietnam at this month’s Miss World contest in Johannesburg. Government officials in Hanoi are now trying to find a suitable candidate to send to South Africa. So far, they’ve drawn a blank.

Uh, whoops. I hate to butt in on this one or whatever, but, ah, I’m not convinced that a high school diploma is really all that important for a beauty contestant. I mean, really.

Just sayin’… My advice is to bag the search for the replacement and get this dummy back up on that catwalk! Let’s win it in Johannesburg for the motha country!!!

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I Ken’t Forget Him

March 24th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Early in my freshman year of high school, I fell for a tall, lanky, handsome Chinese fellow named Ken Lee. He was trouble–oh boy, was he trouble. Even though he had sensitive eyes and a gentle voice, he ran with a crowd of “housers” (Remember them? They formed dance crews and listened to R&B and wore big pants that made no sense) that always got dentention, called me a “banana,” and poked fun at my aversion to oversized denim. Still, I wondered if he could love me, forgive me for dating two Mormon jocks right out out of the gate (It was football season! And then basketball season!), and perhaps make me the future ex-Mrs. Ken Lee one day. I even wrote about it in my journal: “I am in LOVE!”

So I put in the work. I bought some big jeans. I invited Ken’s female friends over to my house after class. I started spending my after-school afternoons sitting on the trunk of his ratty, suped-up Nissan, listening to Jodeci, making all kinds of “plans” in an ugly leather “planner” that Ken gave me. These were the kinds of things you did for love. I was going to stand by my man, before he was my man, even if my parents would have clocked me over the head and grounded me if they ever heard me say “I’gotta man.”

And then one day, after wiggling my way into the group, I was invited to an actual party. I couldn’t wait! It was the culmination of all of my efforts! I wore green, because Ken’s favorite color was green. I took two showers that day. I brushed my hair until it was perfectly straight. How would it go down? Would we slow dance to a Shai song? Would we kiss and then stage a dance-off? I didn’t know. I didn’t care.

I snuck out and went to the fiesta. There were beers, cigarettes, weed–none of which I could deign to partake in–and there was Ken. AND there was the girl he was macking on. And THEN there was me, running out the door to go home.

Sad, right? I know. My poor, broken heart. I’ll never forget that bastard and the way he crushed my soft soul!

In fact, I wrote a song about it, and it looks like that song made its way across the globe to Bulgaria. Funnily enough, it was actually featured in a recent episode of Bulgarian Idol:

I’m just so glad to see that my pain was able to translate into something beautiful, to be shared with the entire world.

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Bogus Book Club

August 22nd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

OK! Magazine has released a number of staged awkward zzzZzZZexclusivezzZZZzz and zzZZznewsbreakingzzZZZzZzz rehab photos of Lindsay Lohan doing something unfamiliar: pretending to read a book.

Why do all of the celebutards do this? They act like they know how to read and write, almost as if they know which direction their eyes should travel over text:

“We love boobs! Shit. Books! Whatever!”

Here’s the thing. I knew their kind in high school– they flirted with the Biology teacher, copied History outlines off of skinny boys, and celebrated–CELEBRATED–when they got a B (even those scarred with a “-”) on a test. Worst of all, as a reward for their mediocrity, their parents doled out money for infrequent A’s, and let them go out with their friends on the weekend even if they hadn’t finished their homework. All while I had my ass parked on a desk chair in my bedroom, staring at my Calculus homework and listening to The Jam, hoping to God I wouldn’t ever receive a “Most Improved Student” award because to my parents it represented once-upon-a-time failure. I knew my weekends sucked. I knew my life sucked. It took me years, well after buying my “Honk If You Love Pynchon” bumper sticker, to realize that something else sucked too: these effin’ bitches.

I leave their shit to them: they can keep their exposed poontangs, and their mug shots, and their multiple DUIs, and their ugly Kitson dresses, and their fluctuating weight, and their mind-bogglingly stupid interview bites.

So just leave me and my books alone.

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