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Happy 63rd birthday to Daw Aung San Suu Kyi! You have endured 12 years of unlawful house arrest, so we wish you freedom. Freedom for you and the Burmese people who, like you, are heroically surviving in spite of it all.
Funnily enough, Rain’s Jackson-like dance moves are losing their hypnotic effect on me.
He has, however, totally warmed through the cold candy shell of my icy heart–especially after this incredible dance-off with my hero, Stephen Colbert.
Now if he’d only quit with “The Rachel” hair cut and put those sexy nerd glasses back on, we could be married.
Mezco Toyz is releasing Heroes action figures this June, and Toys ‘R’ Us is exclusively offering the cheerleader and the wacky Japanese dude who throws his fists up in the air when excited.
“Hilo really have to go. Must get out of Time Square, teleport to future or medieval Japan. Ooooh. Aaaaaaaah. Concentrate, Hilo. Must save world, but first, must find…arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh….eeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh….
Shit. I just clapped my pants.“
, i.e. you haven’t flashed your cooter in public yet. You seem grounded , i.e. you haven’t gone to rehab or gotten preggo. And there’s something beautiful about the fact that you’re this teeny girl trying to save some of the largest mammals on Earth.
But what the heck is up with your fetish for losers?
It’s no secret that we think Margaret Cho rules. She is, for us, a personal and professional hero. Not only do we love her, we want to be her–bold, brave, loudmouthed, political, funny, a gay icon, a chick with a dick, and proud wearer of pasties. (Kidding on that last part–we wouldn’t be caught dead in pasties). That she decided last week not to appear on Ellen so as not to cross the writers’ picket line just makes her that much cooler. Thanks, Margaret, for breaking down so many barriers in your career and, in this case, respecting one that really matters.
Last year in Memphis, I stood, squinting into the sun, at the balcony of the Lorraine Motel where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was gunned to death. I wasn’t alive to see Dr. King speak, experience his movement, or hear his words firsthand, but I instantly felt myself sobbing. In that very spot, we lost one of the great, brave, unifying voices of our nation’s history–someone who dared to dream and hope, speak loudly with restraint, believe in people’s ability to change the way we think and act. King’s very existence allowed us all to be better than ourselves. In life and in death, King was that change.
Does it really “take a president,” Hillary?
I can just picture the conversation you had with your agent last hiatus, after Veronica Mars got canceled and you, rightfully so, were fuh-reakin’ out over the Next Step.
AGENT: K-Bell, your mascara is running, sweetie. Listen to me. We’ve figured out a whole new direction for you.
KRISTEN: I should be in Maxim again?
KRISTEN: Really? Think people will buy that?
AGENT: Sure, why not? People have had enough of this cute, sweet, underdog stuff. Besides, you need to exercise those Tisch School of the Arts chops.
So you listened to your agent, signed on to be the bitchy narrator of Gossip Girl, our favorite show about mutes, and then agreed to be evil, electrifying Elle on Heroezzz, our favorite show about castratos. But guess what? I’m not buyin’ it. Kristen Bell, Bad Girl is you in drag.
And I like rooting for you. You were so scrappy and spunky and sassy on V. Mars–all the words we’d ascribe to midget girls like you with big personalities. Diana started talking like Veronica, in noirish one-liners and zingers. And the one time I saw you up close, I was actually rendered speechless (not unlike the time I saw Lorenzo Lamas in the bread aisle of the grocery store, but that’s another story). You have, I noticed that fateful day, tiny, adorable feet.
I’m not feeling the new you. Frankly, you suck as a Bad Girl. Every time you make a frowny face, the seams show. You’ve convinced me only that you’re an actor desperate not to be pigeonholed rather than a good actor. I’m afraid you’ve even jumped your own shark.
I’d rather see you in Penthouse flashing your bits, honestly, than suffer all this 1-D sneering and snarking. Use that pretty blonde head of yours to make better choices.
still your friend but barely,
Many of you have read by now that Heroezzzz creator Tim Kring spoke to Entertainment Weekly from the picket line on the first day of the Writers’ Strike Monday (which we support a quick, fair resolution to from the asstard studios, as it has put many friends out of work and made them emotionally needy, not to mention day-drinkers)
to shamelessly promote his show that is soon to be in reruns, in which he apologized to Heroezzzzzzz fans for the show’s Royal Suckage this season. Below, please find a few excerpts from EW’s story, along with our translasians:
HIRO WAS IN JAPAN WAY TOO LONG Hiro’s (Masi Oka) time-bending adventure in 17th-century Japan — where he mentored samurai hero Takezo Kensei (David Anders) — finally came to an end on Nov. 5. But Kring says it ”should have [lasted] three episodes. We didn’t give the audience enough story to justify the time we allotted it.”
TRANSLASIAN: Jen and Diana were right. That whole White Samurai storyline was bullshit, not to mention totally ricist. I am so ashamed. I wish I had the nuts to commit seppuku.
YOUNG LOVE STINKS Kring regrets sticking Claire (Hayden Panettiere) with a super-dud boyfriend and forcing Hiro to moon over a cutesy princess. ”I’ve seen more convincing romances on TV,” he admits. ”In retrospect, I don’t think romance is a natural fit for us.”
TRANSLASIAN: Claire’s boyfriend was convincing as a high-schooler 8 years ago in Election, when he played the kid who ratted out Matthew Broderick. This season, he just seemed like a perv with a “power” who liked underage midget girls.
And Masi Oka’s Hiro is a doughy mess. He and the princess had about as much chemistry as me before I pop a Cialis and a cheap hooker with genital warts. Please, Jen and Diana, stop hatin’ on me. It’s true, I was cockblocked by a cute Asian chick/dude at a bar once and I have a thing against your people. I am currently working that out in group therapy. Forgive me.
Occupation: Environmental Warrior, Civilian
Known for: his tireless, nearly two-decades-long fight to clean up Tai Lake, the third largest body of water in China. His relentless efforts to investigate, document, and publicize pollution acts of nearby factories and other factors causing the degradation of the lake has lost him his job, sullied his name, and caused him time behind bars.
The New York Times laid out the whole incredibly story of this brave eco-warrier over the weekend. Read the piece here.
The geniuses over at NBC, in an effort to promote Heroes Season Two ad infinitum, have come up with Yamagato Fellowship, a mythology website narrated by John Rhys-Davies (the Lord of the Rings dwarf) dedicated to explaining why a white dude is the ultimate samurai.
This is awesome!!! Cuz we’ve never seen anything like this before!!!
“Jen and Diana, stop trying to change me. I am what I am. And I am addicted to fisting. Lookey here, I got Grunberg to do it. And I got that big Japanese dude to do it, too. Japanese people love fisting. Okay, maybe that Japanese chick with the mic isn’t so into fisting, but will you look at Ali Larter watching me fist? Duuuuuuuuude, she is so into fisting, she wanted to do it right there at the press conference while wearing that fancy bedskirt! Let’s face it, girls, fisting’s the thing. End of story.”
We at DISGRASIAN loved Veronica Mars* so very, very much. Throughout the series, Veronica was the kind of girl that simply made us happy and proud: brilliant, feisty, independent, angry, and quick to crack the clever whip. And part of us was always convinced that most of the character’s spunky, saucy, detective-y Veronica-ness actually comes directly from the actress herself, Kristen Bell. Okay, we actually think they’re the same person. Okay, we want to be best friends with Kristen Bell.
Which is why we were so thrilled to hear that Ms. Bell will be joining the cast of Heroes beginning this fall:
Bell will make her first “Heroes” appearance in October. She’ll play Elle, a character described as a sexy, mysterious young lady who has ties to the supposed death of Peter, H.R.G.’s past and the future of Claire. Elle will kick off her arc by committing a serious crime, though it’s unclear whether she’s good or bad.
…but what we’re hoping is that in her spare time, she’ll get to the bottom of the plaguing mystery:
Oh wait. We already figured it out.
*Seasons 1 and 2 only. Season 3 was an offensively bad pile of turtle shit that made us hang our heads and weep. Screw you, Rob Thomas.