You are currently browsing posts tagged with Heroes Blows

Pretty SelFish

February 5th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Every time I witness Masi Oka on his own turf, performing for the camera on his own volition, a little part of me dies. It’s one thing to clown like an idiot on Heroes, from which, thanks to the strike, we can take a much needed break. It’s quite another to shoot idiotic videos with your actor friends that make you seem even more like a perma-flaccid-dick.

I swear to Bejeezus, if I never hear Kung-Fu fighting again (as an inappropriate score to some clowny Asian dude ruining it for all the rest), it’ll be too soon. But hey, let’s all thank Masi for bringing it back.

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A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends: Part Two

November 29th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Last week, we wrote about how we were not really feeling the new and unimproved Kristen Bell, who joined the cast of Heroezzz this season and is the voice of Gossip Girl‘s snarkass narrator. Things were so much better when she was Good Kristen–solving the murder of her best friend, busting her spoiled boyfriend’s balls, and having a slightly-creepy relationship with her father. But Bad Kristen is clearly taking root–here she is on the cover of this month’s Complex:

“Wanna piece of these boomin’ A-cups? Touch my sexxxy bra…it’s padded…heavily. So you’re into girls with no torsos? Then you’ve come to the right place, baby.”

I suppose if I had a dick between my legs, I might be diggin’ Bad Kristen. But instead, I find myself wanting to just hand her a shirt and a mug of hot tea.

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When Heroes Collide

November 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


MASI: Hey Hayden. What’s up?

HAYDEN: Not much. Bummer about the writers’ strike, huh?

MASI: Yeah.

HAYDEN: Hey, did you see last night’s episode? Awesome, right?

MASI: Uh, yeah. Except neither of us was in it.

HAYDEN: Well, I was in one shot.

MASI: But you weren’t “in” in it.

HAYDEN: Okay, but you weren’t in it at all.

MASI: So?

HAYDEN: Um…how do I put this? You’ve got White Man’s Puff. Asian guys aren’t supposed to get White Man’s Puff. Maybe that’s why you weren’t in last night’s episode.

MASI: Says the midget.

HAYDEN: I am NOT a midget. I am petite, and, sure, I have stumpy legs, but…the politically correct nomenclature is Little Person, anywho.

MASI: Whatever, midget.

HAYDEN: What in the world has gotten into you?

MASI: I’m depressed. The first good Heroezzz episode airs last night, and I’m not even in it. No one liked me being in Japan or with that fug warrior princess. My IMDB STARmeter is plummeting. By the time the strike’s over, this show is gonna tank. And my life will be over. At least there are pervs out there who will still want to see that midget body of yours naked and greased like a pole. You’ll always have that to fall back on.

(takes a long swig of dark-colored liquor)

HAYDEN: How dare you?!? I save dolphins. I cry for them on camera. Scratch that, I weep for them. Just like I weep for you. You fat fuck.

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When Worlds Collide: Heroezzzzzzzzzzz

September 25th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

HIRO: You all Takezo Kensei, the Swold Saint Cockbrocker? But you all white!

SWORD SAINT COCKBLOCKER: Yeah, I know. Crazian, right?

HIRO: But you all my helo. With yoll swold, we will save the wold! I am flom the futule.

SWORD SAINT COCKBLOCKER: Riiiiiiiight. Wanna swig of sake from my gourd?

HIRO: No, I do not want sake. You all supposed to save the virrage of Otsu. You all supposed to be nober and good. I lead this all in a comic book. I rike comic books.

SWORD SAINT COCKBLOCKER: Where did you learn Engrish? Oh, riiiiiight. I’m supposed to teach you. That and the way of the Samurai. Cuz I’m white and that makes all the sense in the world.

HIRO: Yes, prease! Teach me how to be Samulai.

Takezo Kensei, Sword Saint Cockblocker, thinks for a minute. Then cocks his fist and clocks Hiro.

SWORD SAINT COCKBLOCKER: Eh, why bother? You’re useless.

(PS–I’m digging Ando’s new ‘do this season. Dude looks hot. And very “do”-able.)

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Masi Okastrato

September 19th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Pre-Emmys, our favorite castrato Masi Oka gave an interview to People, where he cited barely-legal Hayden Panettiere as his mentor…in the love department.

Here are snippets from that conversation, with me reading between the lines.

MASI: “…I’m really in no place to give (Hayden) advice because I’m looking for love myself and I haven’t had much luck there. I’m single and available.”

TRANSLASIAN: I’m unrucky in rove. I mean, unlucky. In love.

MASI: “I remember one day we went to this premiere and I didn’t realize it was a press event and they were taking pictures and Hayden came up to me and said ‘Masi, you have a hickey! We have to cover you up!’ And I was like, ‘Whoa. I didn’t know that.’”

TRANSLASIAN: I still get hickeys, even though I am 32 years old. Just rike 12 year-old boys who have never gotten raid. I mean, laid.

MASI: “Hayden always takes care of all of us.”

TRANSLASIAN: Even though I went to Brown and I am a technical genius, I am totally helpress. I mean, helpless.

Masi. We are so sick of your bullshit. Everyday, we’re trying to suture the big dick back onto the Asian Male Persona a la John Wayne Bobbitt’s ER doctors and yet you still find a way continually to CUT YOUR OWN DICK OFF and foil our hard work.

Fuck this. You’re dickless. You win.

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Hiros C-ameo

April 25th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Air Guitar Hero C-Diddy had a cameo as a bike messenger in last night’s Heroes. Only good thing about the show, which is about to launch 5 years into the future and jump/harpoon/make sashimi out of/smoke a bowl with the shark. Heroes has bent all rules of time, space, and watchability, and I’m over it.

In happier news, here’s C-Diddy’s winning performance from the 2003 World Air Guitar champhionship, if you haven’t seen it already. Rock on, Asian Fury!

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