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Well, we said Balloon Boy’s father, Richard Heene, was a bad actor, but little did we know that he actually went to school for that shit. During a press conference Sunday, when Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden officially declared the Balloon Boy incident a hoax, Alderden also mentioned that Richard and his wife Mayumi met at a Hollywood acting school. (Various sources confirm it was the Lee Strasberg Theatre and Film Institute in West Hollywood.)
With the Heenes now potentially facing felony criminal charges, the lesson here: BAD ACTING IS A CRIME after all.
But it still might pay. Because if, in fact, Richard and Mayumi “did this for the show,” to sell their family dysfunction as reality TV as people are saying–they already approached TLC a few months ago, but the Jon & Kate network passed–the Heenes may have a leg up on the competition, because everyone knows that bad acting is also the backbone of reality TV.
Just ask these clowns:
Al Roker hosted Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt on the Today Show yesterday, and properly clowned the famous-for-nothings for majorly pussying out on the wait-this-is-an-actual-unscripted-reality show, I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!
After Roker’s opener, “Now there are those who say that you guys are the poster children for everything that is wrong with celebrity in this country,” the best part of the video is most certainly when the Today veteran asks Heidi a very simple question, referring to the couple’s messy exit from the show (3:40 of the clip): “Are you proud of this?”
He asks. Over. And over. And she fumbles because she can’t really deal, or understand, or–we’re hoping–actually be proud of her actions. Ever.
It’s painful, really. Until at last her answer surfaces: “I mean, I’m not ashamed.“
And, truth be told, we aren’t the least bit surprised.
So this is what it looks like at the 1st Annual Totally Fucking Shameless [In the Woods] Convention:
What’s worse: having everything to be ashamed of, or nothing to be proud of?
Kinda boggles the mind, doesn’t it?
If the tumbling world economy doesn’t kill the luxe House of Chanel (Lawd, please, no!), I do worry that an icky epidemic of sublebrity surrogates will.
I mean, as if this display alone isn’t bad enough…
…then (Ewwww!) THIS should do the trick:
Ultra-shame is the nail in the coffin, guys. The nail in the coffin.
Filed under: Bobby Trendy, Bringing Down the House, Chanel, Economic Crisis, Famous-For-Nothings, Heidi Montag, karl lagerfeld, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Puke, Shame by Celebrity Proxy, Sublebrities
Dear Fuck God,
First of all, let me thank you for all of my wonderful gifts. Thank you for my luscious weave, my bodacious fake tits, and my wonderful husband. Thank you for convincing my mother to give me the space that I need, mostly ‘cuz I feel she is a stupid and dumb, fat bitch anyway.
Next, I would like to say sorry for a couple of things. I am sorry that I voted for John McCain. I am sorry that I brought shame to the House of Chanel. I am sorry that I tried to bring shorts back into style.
Finally, I would like to ask for forgiveness. I would like to apologize for all of Spence’s and my staged photo-shoots, particularly the most recent one in which Spencer and I pretended to get martial arts training. Listen, I know they’re really annoying. I know we look ridiculous, but here’s the thing–I feel like we’ve basically signed our souls away to the Fuck Devil. Fuck God, at this point, unless I want to just bow out of life completely, I’ve got no choice but to keep up this douchery. So I’m sorry, so sorry, and wish that instead of pretending to fight in these last photos, Spence and I were actually, truly beating the shit out of each other, perhaps to the death, so that we could put each other out of our misery and make the world a happier, better place.
Anyway, gotta go. We’ve got a rezzie at the Ivy for “lunch.”
Filed under: Apologies, Chanel, Disappointing Your Parents, Douchebags, Fake Tits, Famous-For-Nothings, Heidi Montag, John McCain, Martial Arts, Prayer Hands, Shameless Photo Ops, Spencer Pratt, The Fuck God
I never would have thought that a useless, self-congratulatory, dumb blonde biiiiiatch like Heidi Montag could possibly have come from a background of Hardass Parenting.
But today when I read what her mother said about her recent elopement with douchetard Spencer Pratt:
“I’m confident the marriage won’t work out. I give it six months.”
…I was like, zing! Not even my pull-no-punches-I’ll-tell-ya-like-it-is-even-if-it’s-basically-a-verbal-kick-in-the-gut-you-fuckup-child-o-mine Hardass Asian Mom would Nostradamus on me with such mean-spirited public zeal.
Maybe I should be go easier on Heidi. I’ll totally think about doing that. Some day.
Yesterday, the coordinated terrorist attacks directed at Westerners in Mumbai, India injured and claimed the lives of hundreds.
We watched the coverage in horror.
Yet, apparently, we still couldn’t keep our minds–or at least the CNN news ticker–off of Heidi and Spencer’s fake wedding:
We apologize for the CNN ticker, and our thoughts go out to all of those who were and are affected by these attacks.
Post-election politics have begun to resemble an episode of The Hills lately, with Obama–who is obviously Lauren Conrad–reconciling with bitter rival John McCain Monday while currently vetting best frenemy Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State. McCain is this drama’s Heidi Montag, Lauren’s former friend who started out likable and sweet but wound up, over time, becoming a lying deceitful bitch. (Heidi spreading rumors about Lauren’s alleged sex tape = The McCain camp’s allegations that Obama palled around with terrorists.) We’ve got Hillary, meanwhile, pegged as Audrina Patridge, Lauren’s on-again, off-again friend whose Significant Other always seems to be stirring up trouble between them. (Monosyllabic Justin Bobby = Overly-loquacious Bill.) Will Hillary turn down the position as Secretary of State, the way that Audrina recently turned down living with Lauren and Lo (BFF/gatekeeper Lo = Rahm Emanuel) to move out on her own? Will Bill’s ties to oil sheikhs compromise the already-tenuous friendship between Hillary and Obama the way that rumors about a Justin Bobby hook-up with Lauren hurt Lauren and Audrina? Will McCain and Obama really be able to put aside their differences to tolerate being in the same room together or–dare to dream–to be friends again, even?
Filed under: Audrina Patridge, Barack Obama, BFFs, Frenemies, Friends, Heidi Montag, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Lauren Conrad, Secretary of State, The Hills, The Hills Seemed Completely Useless Until Now
IF THIS IS YOU (OR RESEMBLES YOU IN ANY WAY*):
You don’t belong here. You have taken a wrong turn. You’re probably not smart, good-looking, rad, or cool enough to read this blog. But that’s okay, you’re not far from where you were heading. Go ahead and back up through the parking lot, reverse direction, turn left at Bastardly.com, right-hander at the White House official site, merge after the Family Keepers site, slight left at SandraOhIsUgly.com, and then it’s just a straight shot over to the John McCain donation site.
Thanks! Hope you’ve
spent plenty on got plenty of gas.
* Except for the beer. We love beer.
Filed under: American Idiots, Beer Rules, Cultural Lows, Fucktards, Guns, Heidi Montag, Paparazzi Whores, Really Dumb People, Sarah Palin VP, Spencer Pratt, The Financial Crisis, Who Are These People?
PerezHilton.com just reported that Heidi Montag, who will turn 22 this year, joined her douchebag boyfriend Spencer Pratt at the DMV… and finally registered to vote! Wow! We’re so impressed we could justzzZZZzZzZzzzz…
zzzZzzZZzzurpOH! Um. Good… job? Sure, you should have done this four years ago, but who’s counting?