You are currently browsing posts tagged with Heath Campbell

Don’t Forget to Change Your Middle Name, Too

January 14th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear little Adolf Hitler Campbell,

Buddy. Hey. I’m super sorry to hear that you and your little sisters were taken away from your Mommy and Daddy. I know you are probably feeling sad. I know you are. Yesterday, you were eating delicious Wal-Mart birthday cake. Today, you are a bit of an orphan. It’s scary! But don’t worry, little man, it’ll be okay.

Right now you might be thinking that some “bad people”–maybe grownups around you are calling them “the State”–stormed in and stole you from your good-looking (see right), smart, loving parents. I can understand that. But honey pie, the thing is, your parents are not cool people. I’m not going to call them assholes (or did I just?), as I’m prone to do when referring to bad, bigoted parents, but dude: they are really lame, awful, folks.

With a name like “Adolf Hitler,” I promise you the fast track to a very unrewarding, unfulfilled, beatup-laden life. I’m not saying that you would ever lay a finger on anybody, tiny guy. But I can name a few that wouldn’t be so nice to you. Your namesake is the King of Monsters, the closest actual person I’ve ever been able to attribute the fabled qualities of Satan to. Satan is bad, right? You don’t want a name like that, do you? I didn’t think so.

So here’s my advice. It looks like you’re getting a clean start here. Perhaps you’ll end up in a nice home with some really sweet, pretty, new parents–the kind that shower and shop at Target! Maybe they’ll cut your hair so that your neighbors aren’t flippantly calling you white trash, and perhaps they’ll even clothe you in cute little outfits (like the little bear costume I intend to buy Jen’s future offspring). While you’re at it, I suggest you change your name! Although Diana and Jen are my favorite names in the world besides Chaka Khan, rocking those chick names would probably get your rump whooped as well–so how about Daniel? Daniel is the name of hot guys like Daniel Henney and Daniel Dae Kim. And why not set yourself up to be a “hot guy?” It’s so much better than being poised as an Antichrist.

Call me if you have any questions!


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Nazis Need Birthday Cakes, Too

December 17th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

All Heath and Deborah Campbell of Hunterdon County, NJ wanted was a birthday cake for their adorable little Aryan, Adolf Hitler, who turned 3 last week.

The Campbells: one big, happy Nazi family

But, sadly, they just don’t teach cake-writing in white supremacy class anymore. And when the Campbells asked a nearby ShopRite to inscribe “Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler” on a cake, the grocery store refused, as they have with previous Nazi-themed cake-decorating requests from the Campbells. Heath Campbell–who told the AP that while he was raised “not to mix” with people of other races, he would try to raise his children differently–maintains his name choice for his son was purely for originality’s sake, because “no one else in the world would have that name.” And, hey, why should only movie stars like Brangelina and Gwyneth and TomKat get to hoard the wacky children’s name spotlight?

The Campbells want their kids to feel special, too, which probably explains why they named their other children, who are under the age of 2, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, a feminized version (or something like that) of Heinrich Himmler.

Fortunately, this story has a happy ending for little Adolf Hitler, because Wal-Mart stepped in to save the (birth)day. A Bentonville, AR spokesperson for the megachain-of-discounted goods-delivered-with-a-Jew-excluding-greeting-at-the-door-and-a-union-hating-smile said, “Our No. 1 priority in decorating cakes is to serve the customer to the best of our ability.” And then she added, “Let them Nazis eat cake!”*

*She did not actually say “Let them Nazis eat cake.” But everything else in this story is true, swear to white Christ.


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