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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Alvin Wong, Happiest Person In America

March 7th, 2011 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Alvin Wong with his wife, Trudy Schandler-Wong

Name: Alvin Wong

Age: 69

Ethnicity: Chinese American

Religion: Judaism

Occupation: Business owner and Happiest Person in America

According to data collected by Gallup over the last three years that was then plugged into a formula called the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index, the statistical composite for the happiest person in the U.S. is:

…tall, Asian-American, observant Jew who is at least 65 and married, has children, gets lei-ed lives in Hawaii, runs his own business and has a household income of more than $120,000 a year.

Alvin Wong, a 5’10″, 69 year-old health care management business owner, fits that bill. But is he the only one? I mean, how many tall, Asian American, observant Jews 65-and-over do you know?

(In light of the fact that the median income for Jews and Asian Americans is not only similar but exceeds the national average, the $120 thou a year part is a given. Jews are reputed to have slightly higher divorce rates than non-Jews, while Asian Americans have slightly lower divorce rates, so when combined the marriage thing is a non-factor. And remember, this is all junk science, so no emails about this being junk science and stereotype-dredging. I mean, duh.)

Since Diana and I both suck at math, I had a Physics professor friend of mine–not my Hardass Asian Dad, incidentally–crunch the numbers for me. Here are his findings based on the data I provided for him:

Continue reading AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Alvin Wong, Happiest Person In America

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Democratic Congressional Candidate Colleen Hanabusa

November 1st, 2010 | 3 comments | Posted by Jen


Name: Colleen Hanabusa

Hails from: Wai’anae, Hawaii

Occupation: Labor lawyer, Hawaiian State Senator, and Democratic nominee for Hawaii’s 1st congressional district

Known for: Becoming Hawaii’s first woman President of the Senate in 2006, thereby becoming the first Asian American woman to preside over a state legislative chamber in the U.S.; getting endorsed by U.S. Senators Daniel Inouye and Daniel Akaka, former President Bill Clinton, and President Barack Obama; running a close race against Republican incumbent Charles Djou, who won the seat in a May special election, in part because the liberal vote was split among Hanabusa and several other candidates.

Karl Rove has spent more than $16 million on ads trying to defeat Democrats like Hanabusa and install candidates in Congress like her opponent Djou, who favors extending Bush’s tax cuts even to the most wealthy Americans and limiting government spending even at the expense of job creation. The irony, of course, is that Rove is one of the main architects of our current deficit that the GOP has been so keen on blaming on Obama and Democrats. The last thing Hawaii–which had the ninth-highest foreclosure rate in the 3rd quarter–needs is to put someone in office supported by Rove.

The GOP also wants this seat so badly because it’s in Obama’s home state and district, and a win would be “hugely symbolic”–so it’s time to show your mahalo spirit, Hawaii, and not let that happen!

[Colleen Hanabusa for Congress]

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Thanks, Cate!

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Bruno Mars

September 13th, 2010 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Name: Bruno Mars (né Peter Hernandez)

Hails from: Hawaii

Occupation: Singer, songwriter, producer

Known for: Co-writing and producing the most viral song of 2010, Cee-Lo’s “Fuck You”; co-writing and lending his smooth R&B stylings to B.o.B’s “Nothin’ on You,” which was nominated for Best Pop Video at this year’s VMAs, where Mars performed a “Nothin’ on You,” “Airplanes” and “The Only Exception” medley with B.o.B and Paramore’s Hayley Williams, a trio MTV billed as the VMAs’ “dream team” (watch a grainy version of it here); looking kinda dorky cool in a fedora.

Speaking of dreams, Hawaiian native Bruno Mars, who is of Puerto Rican and Filipino descent, has been steadily realizing his of late. After penning the feel-good kiss-off song of the summer and getting nominated for a VMA, the 23 year-old singer, who’s thus far been better known for his writing and producing skillz, will finally take center stage with the release Continue reading AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Bruno Mars

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Bill O’Reilly

September 9th, 2010 | 1 comment | Posted by Diana

Oh gosh!!! Happy happy happy 61st birthday, Bill O’Reilly!!!




Just kidding, you old fuck. You’re awful. Awful. AWFUL.

Instead, we’d like to celebrate the birth of another older gent, who’s only offended us once or twice: Senator Daniel Inouye, happy 86th birthday (two days ago)! May you you remain cuddly and tan. Let’s talk politics next week.




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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Coach Norm Chow

May 6th, 2010 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Happy birthday to one of our favorite dudes in football, UCLA Bruins offensive coordinator Norm Chow, who turned 64 Monday!

Unfortunately for Coach Chow, we hear this year’s team is sorely lacking in O. But you may recall that we at DISGRASIAN, however, happen to have the ear of the Football Gods.

So we pray to you, Football Gods, to give Coach Chow a hand this year. They say Offense Wins Games, Defense Wins Championships, but a team needs to win games in order to win championships, no? Not that we’re caught up in our much ballyhooed, local college football, crosstown-rivalry drrrrrama. Seriously, we could kinda give a flying amen! about any of that because, as you know, our religious denomination is the NFL, but we just want Coach Chow to be happy. Because when he’s pissed, he kinda looks like our Hardass Asian Dads when we’ve disappointed them, and that scares us a little, you know? Like, take a look at Coach when he’s actually stoked on you and cheering you on:

Continue reading BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Coach Norm Chow

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BABEWATCH: Mason Ho

December 15th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Name: Mason Ho

Hails from: North Shore of Hawaii

Occupation: Professional Surfer

Ho Ho Ho! Christmas must have come early.

Ho Ho Ho! Christmas must have come early.

Why He’s A Babe: Mad water skills and a great pedigree. Son of surf legend Michael Ho, Mason was clearly destined to chase the endless summer. A North Shore baby, Mason has been surfing since age 6 or 7, and has the achievements and body to prove it.

Although no longer in contention at Pipeline Masters, he made a splash last week in the early rounds of competition. But look, we didn’t exactly have our eyes on the swells.

[Surfer Hot 100: Mason Ho]

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Thanks, Colin!

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! LPGA Tour Champion Michelle Wie

November 16th, 2009 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

Name: Michelle Wie58925190

Age: 20

Occupation: Student and pro golfer

After becoming the youngest player to qualify for an LPGA tour event at age 12 and turning pro at 16, only to have her career declared “over” by age 18, Michelle Wie’s finally won her first LPGA tour title. Wieeeeeeeeeee!

We’ve been tough on Michelle Wie in the past, particularly when she became better known for her bratty tournament shenanigans than her game, but her win this weekend at the Lorena Ochoa Invitational suggests that the former child prodigy who always wanted to compete with men may have grown up and sacked up over the last few years. Certainly what Wie had to say after her win can be taken as a good sign:

“I think that hopefully life will be a lot better (after this), but I still have a lot of work to do.”

“I still have a lot of work to do”…that’s music to our Hardass Asian Ears!

[AP: At long last, Michelle Wie gets 1st LPGA Tour win]

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BABEWATCH: Ehren Watada

October 6th, 2009 | 1 comment | Posted by Diana

Ehren Watada is a beautiful, beautiful (Did we mention beautiful?) Hawaii native who graduated magna cum laude from Hawaii Pacific University in 2003, and was subsequently commissioned by the Army’s Officer Candidate School–ultimately rising to the high military rank of First Lieutenant. His motivation to serve arose from a reaction to the September 11 attacks and his resulting “desire to protect our country.

Last Friday, he resigned from the Army, having been granted a discharge under “other-than-honorable conditions.”

What happened in between? When Watada learned that his unit would be deploying to Iraq, he did some real homework on the conflict. Ultimately convinced that the war he was being asked to lead troops into was illegal, he attempted to resign his commission–this was refused. He offered to instead serve in the “unambigious war linked to the September 11 attacks” in Afghanistan. The Army–and then-President of the United States–did not budge.

And so a different war began as a result of Watada’s stand, with the Army proffering multiple charges against him under the Uniform Code of Military Justice, including that of “Conduct Unbecoming of Officer and Gentleman” (for denouncing President Bush and the war) and “Missing Movement” (for not deploying). For these charges he faced a court martial, as well as potential (dishonorable) Dismissal and years of prison time. But Watada did not back down.

On September 26, under the Obama administration, the Army agreed to allow his resignation.

So why is Watada such a babe? Well, look at him, for crying out loud. And then take into account that he’s a man willing to think rather than blindly follow, to stand up for what he feels is right even when the scariest and strongest machine is out to silence him.

Asked by TruthOut in ’06 how he felt facing the serious consequences for his controversial stand, Watada said plainly:

“When you are looking your children in the eye in the future, or when you are at the end of your life, you want to look back on your life and know that at a very important moment, when I had the opportunity to make the right decisions, I did so, even knowing there were negative consequences.

He may no longer be an officer, but if you ask us, his conduct certainly is one of a gentleman. And, for that matter, a total babe.

[NYT: Army Officer Who Refused Iraq Duty Is Allowed to Resign]

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! General Eric Shinseki, Veteran Affairs Secretary-Nominee

January 12th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Name: General Eric Shinseki

Hails from: Hawaii

Occupation: Retired four-star general and Secretary of Veterans Affairs nominee

Known for: Becoming the first Asian-American four-star general in the U.S. Army. Getting an MA in English literature(!) after graduating from West Point. Stepping on a landmine while fighting in the Vietnam War and losing part of his foot. Famously clashing with Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz before Congress at the start of the Iraq War, when General Shinseki was Army Chief of Staff, because he believed that a post-war occupation of Iraq would require way more troops than Rumsfeld had estimated. After that, he was iced out of the Defense Department, even though–like so many other Bush administration critics–he turned out to be right.

Rumsfeld & Co. can suck it (like Tina Fey haters) because General Shinseki’s confirmasian hearing for Veteran Affairs Secretary is this Wednesday, and he’s going to sail right through, finally getting the respect he so deserves.

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America’s Next Top Model: Eliminasian

October 30th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Alas, alack, we’ll have to wait ’til next year for an Asian-American Top Model. Sheena Sakai was eliminated from ANTM last night after turning in another boring photo, which seemed to be her only way of responding to the judges’ constant criticism that girlfriend was too hoochie. Despite my enthusiasm for Sheena in the beginning, she was starting to work my last nerve, always picking fights in the house and getting on her soapbox, spoken word-style, about things that were really none of her beeswax, like Marjorie’s shyness or Elina’s control issues (both tired subjects, admittedly). She did handle her exit with restraint, however, without tears or drrrrrrama or uttering that horribly cliché but now de rigueur reality TV closing line, “This isn’t the last you’ve seen of (me in the third person).” Okay, she offered up a version of that–”I’m not going to be forgotten”–but then contradicted herself immediately with “and hopefully, I won’t be,” as though she had finally seen the bullshit in her own bluster. Was this a farewell to fakery for Sheena Sakai, i.e. what is she going to do about those boobs? Tits not for me to say, really.

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BABEWATCH: Ron Darling

October 14th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Name: Ron Darling

Hails from: Massachusetts

Occupation: Baseball color commentator and retired pitcher

Ron Darling is my older man-crush. Sure, the Hapa pitcher was on the cover of GQ when he was younger, but I find him really hot right now, with his salt-and-pepper hair and that middle-aged thickness (which doesn’t work at all for, say, Cal Ripken, Jr., who is 48, like Darling, but looks like a marshmallow). I also love those sleepy eyes, that yummy caramel skin, and that name (try saying it over and over–it’s fun). And the Yale-educated Darling is doing a decent job providing color commentary for TBS during the playoffs–and by “decent job” I mean not talking too much and not coming off as some backwater Bubba, a la Tim McCarver or Rick Sutcliffe–not that I need anything from him other than to shut up and look pretty.

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Sheena Sakai Is a Punk Rocker

September 4th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Duuude. I love Sheena Sakai, the lone Asian-American contestant on America’s Next Top Model Cycle 11, which premiered last night. Even though she does have, as our friend Ty pointed out and this Newsday story seems to imply, a man-face:


And despite the fact that the judges have already compared the native Hawaiian to DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer Kimora and are calling her “Kisheena,” and that she didn’t backhand the dumb sow who told her she had an advantage in the competition because she was the “only Oriental girl” (around the 1:11 mark of this video). Still. Love. Tha. Bitch.

Work it, Sheena.

MAJOR SPOILER ALERT: If you want to know who the finalists will be this season on ANTM, click here.

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Thanks, Ty!

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