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“Ken, I am like, fully having soooo much fun in India! I’m so glad that I decided to wear my Indian vest and jean shorts to tonight’s gala. Remember when we bought this vest in New Mexico? I actually am kinda loving it right now.
Anyway, how much are you feeling this country? Everyone keeps saying sorry, sorry, sorry all the time. Who was it that was telling me that I should wear sorries for special parties? I didn’t know how to look sorry, so I just wore this old vest!
OMG, we have taken sooooo many awesome (three) pictures of all of the beautiful sights ( including ourselves at totally nondescript locations like the airport) here in this strange country!! Right?? I really kinda dig the hand b-b-bling, right? Look at this! It’s like somebody… drew all over my hand! I feel like they should, like, totally do this in America, cuz it looks so good on you no matter what size you are. Just like shoes and sweatpants. But I’m not sure about this bindi thing. I think it makes me look cross-eyed. Every time I look at it in the mirror I look cross-eyed.
Filed under: Ashlee Simpson, Bindis, Boring Peope, Gwen Stefani, Has-Beens, Idiots, India, Jessica Simpson, ken paves, Losing "It", Mom Bikinis, Racial Drag, Reality TV, Sublebrities, The Price Of Beauty
Birthdays are nice, because sometimes they force us to say something pleasant to or about people we’re not usually all that nice to.
This week, that person is Jessica Simpson, who we’ve historically been, y’know, less-than-forgiving to (Note to Ms. Simpson below the pic):
HELLO Jessica Simpson, and happy birthday! You’re 29 and
it shows wow, you’ve never looked better it’s awesome to still be able to say you’re in your twenties and unmarried and loving it, right? We’d like to wish you a great year and, for your sake, the ability to find some kernel of real talent within yourself so that you might actually become somewhat relevant in the public eye again. Party hard, lady! Maybe you can keep the birthday cake in your own mouth this time (see above for memories)!
Hollywood actresses! Past, present, and never:
at Wednesday’s Alberta Ferreti store opening
LUCY: Wait–dammit. They’re taking a picture? Everyone will think I know you people.
NICOLE: You know us. Remember that one night we stayed up doing tequila shots, talking shit about Rachel Zoe?
MARISA: I know Rachel Zoe.
LUCY: No you don’t.
MARISA: Yes I do! I think I met her right after I won [dips head and deepens voice in seriousness] my Oscar.
NICOLE: Wow! You won an Oscar? Wow. That’s really hot. I didn’t know that.
MARISA: Everybody knows that. Didn’t you see My Cousin Vinny?
NICOLE: That’s the movie with the bad guy from Home Alone, right? I think I saw that on TBS the other day.
MARISA: Ahem. I won the Academy Award for my role as [pauses] Mona Lisa Vito. For [raises eyebrows] Best Supporting Actress.
LUCY: [rolls eyes] Uh huh.
NICOLE: Rad. When was that, or whatever?
MARISA: Feels like yesterday. Maybe it was 2000 or 2001.
LUCY: [snorts] It was 1992.
MARISA: [snaps] In 1992, you were still doing bit parts on TV dramas.
LUCY: At least people don’t speculate as to whether or not my getting those bit parts was an accident, you old hag.
MARISA: (miffed) I WON FAIR AND SQUARE.
NICOLE: Who did you wear?
MARISA: [to Lucy] You’re a real bitch, you know that?
LUCY: Yes. That’s why I play one so often in movies and TV shows.
NICOLE: God, I need to get back on TV again. I hate being at home and remembering that I procreated with a Madden twin. I hate all this baby holding bullshit. I hate having tits.
LUCY: Love those bubs while you can, Nic–they’re going to be all deflated and saggy when you get to be like ol’ grandma over here.
MARISA: I AM NOT A GRANDMA!
LUCY: Really? Then why are you borrowing my grandma’s look?
NICOLE: Oh, shit!
MARISA: I’ll kill you!
LUCY: Don’t even start. I’ll cut you.
NICOLE: Wow. Are you guys, like, acting?
LUCY: Somebody take this goddamn picture before I cut somebody else.
BRETT RATNER: I can’t believe Sheila Nevins actually funded my Helmut Newton doc!
COURTNEY LOVE: If Helmut was still alive, I would have loved to pose nude for him.
BOB EVANS: We could be called, “The Plastic Surgery Victims,” or um, “The ScaryFaces.”
BRETT RATNER: I mean, I AM the genius behind Rush Hours 1 and 2… do you remember how Chris Tucker said, “I don’t understand…a word.. you are saying” to that funny Chinaman? That shit was me! All me.
BOB EVANS: I can’t even feel my own nose.
COURTNEY LOVE: Me neither.
BOB EVANS: Court, I don’t know if you know this, but your left cheek is falling off.
COURTNEY LOVE: That’s not true! That’s just paparazzi photos! They make you look worse than you are!
BOB EVANS: But I’m standing right next to you.
COURTNEY LOVE: Uh… Ehrm… Oh! I know… we should call ourselves “The Helmut Newtons.”
BOB EVANS: Brilliant! Brett, how on earth did you get Sheila to make this film? I’m not questioning your ability or anything, but you did ruin the X-Men movie empire, and that’s hard to do.
BRETT RATNER: Bryan Singer is a hack. He puts too much emotion and sense into his films. People loved X3. Everything blew up.
BOB EVANS: Is it true you wanted to change the name of the movie to “Brett Ratner’s X-Men Movie with Many Explosions?”
BRETT RATNER: It’s Brett Rat.
BOB EVANS: What’s that?
BRETT RATNER: Brett Rat.
BOB EVANS: …
COURTNEY LOVE: Do you have any coke, Rat?
BRETT RATNER: Courtney, I think your cheek is falling off. You should probably fix it before we screen my film.
COURTNEY LOVE: What film?
BRETT RATNER: My Helmut Newton doc.
COURTNEY LOVE: Whoa… They let you shoot a documentary?
BRETT RATNER: Wait. How did you get in here? Get her out of here. She wears fake Chanel.
BOB EVANS: Helmet Newton? Wait! I knew a Helmut Newton. What’s your name again?