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Our pal Angry Asian Man haaaaates it when we make fun of Ann Curry, because he’s got a mad crush on the Today show anchor, who turns 53 today.
But the truth is, we do, too.
There’s something ineffably charming about her, whether it’s her repeatedly wishing you a good morning or her oogly-love for Brad Pitt that makes her go all fangirl during an interview. We’ve called her a robot time and again, yet we can’t actually remember how that got started in the first place–must have something to do with how perfect she always seems (and certainly how perfect her lipstick always is).
She’s just trying soooooo hard alllllll the time, y’know?
She should get points for that. And since it’s her birthday, we’re only going to say nice things about Ann. Here goes:
Ann, baby. You turn 53 today, and you look fuckin’ amazing. Please email us the name and number of your derm when you get a chance. You seem like a nice person, way nicer than us, all oozy with compassion, even when you’re talking to hideous fame trolls like Octomom, i.e. people we’d rather punch in the face. Your voice, that silky, smooth alto, could soothe the bloodlust of famished baby hyenas. We kid and we tease you only out of love. Now please don’t stop doing ridiculous things like really awkward hip-hop dancing or attempting to scale one of the world’s tallest, cruelest mountains or inappropriately touching movie stars’ faces, or we won’t have anything fun to write about anymore. Oh, and happy birthday!
Worst outcome possible:
Euna Lee and Laura Ling have been sentenced to 12 years of hard labor for illegally entering North Korean territory, a verdict issued by North Korea’s highest court that is final and cannot be appealed.
It is time for our government to step up and right this wrong: we need an envoy immediately. Do your part–email the State Department to step up negotiations now.
Shame on you, Mount Kilimanjaro. Shame on you for being inhospitable with your, like, superior verticality and your weather conditions and your painfully thin air, thwarting Ann Curry’s heroically brave and selfless effort to summit you this week. She was only trying to be a good person and show Today Show viewers how your glaciers have melted and we’re killing the environment etcetera etcetera, and how do you repay her? By giving her altitude sickness and making her too weak to climb to the top. Who do you think you are, Kilimanjaro? The Queen of Frickin’ England?
Because of your colossal prickitude, Ann was unable to deliver a hardhitting “Ends of the Earth” special report about global warming and, instead, she was forced to give viewers FIVE INSTALLMENTS of a NONSTOP PITY PARTY. Where she talked about her “pain” and her “suffering” and the fact that she couldn’t shower for nine days! Where she had to report on stuff like her headaches–do you know of anything more boring than talk about headaches? And you made her eyes puffy for chrissakes! Why would you do that? Ann is sooo pretty. She works really hard to look that way, especially at the age of 52, and you WRECKED it. Speaking of Ann’s age, how about the fact that Ann sacrificed her own birthday (which was Wednesday, not that you care) to be with you?! Well?
You do realize that Ann has a sterling reputation as a serious journalist to uphold, don’t you? Didn’t you ever see her interview with Brad Pitt, where she accidentally gave away the Jolie-Pitts’ Christmas plans and only managed to interrupt him about five times? What do you have to say for yourself? Don’t look at me like that, Kilimanjaro, with that blank “Who Me?” expression on your face. You know what you did. You were a mean heartless bitch to our girl Ann Curry. And for that, we will never forgive you.
What, you’re still here? Go on. Scram. Take a hike!
Filed under: Ann Curry, Hardhitting Journalists, Headaches, Journalasianists, Leave That Goddam Sacred Mountain Alone, Matt Lauer, Mount Kilimanjaro, Mountain Climbing, Pity Parties, Tanzania, The Today Show