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I guess it goes to show: You can grow up, go to an Ivy League school, get married, overcome a long bout with alcoholism, manage your own professional baseball team, govern a state, become the Leader of the Free World–for twice as long as your Hardass Presidential Dad, initiate two wars, increase the national debt by roughly $4,899,100,310,608 (give or take), inspire dozens of books and as many films based on your life and leadership, see the erection of your Presidential library, and you still might end up…
Filed under: All In the Family, Barbara Bush, Bush Throws Out First Pitch, Embarrassing Moments, Former Presidents, Game Four of the World Series, George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, Hardass Parents of All Colors, Reveling in the success of a baseball team you ran into the ground, San Francisco, San Francisco Giants, Shameful Legacies, Texas Rangers, World Series, Wow I'm So Bored I Could Tip A Cow Or Do Meth Right Now, You Might Never Stop Being Ashamed Of Hanging Out With Your Uncool Parents
Nike has just released a new spot marking Tiger’s return to professional golf:
In dramatic black and white, a pensive–perhaps repentant–Tiger Woods stares beyond the camera (thinking about either his fall from grace or a turkey club sandwich), hearing the words of his late Hardass Dad:
I am more prone to be inquisitive to promote discussion.
I want to find out what your thinking was.
I wanna find out what your feelings are…
and… did you learn anything?“
Frankly, I think Tiger has learned something very important: good marketing, sorry faces, and a stellar golf game can EASILY clean up the Katrina of sex scandals in about… six months!
But maybe I’m wrong. Please discuss (comment) below.
Filed under: Cheaters, Creepy Voices, Dads, Drama, Earl Woods, Hardass Parents of All Colors, Learning Things the Hard Way, Nike, Post-Mortem Appearances In Commercials, Repentance, Showbiz Moms and Dads, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Apologizes, Tiger Woods Nike Commercial, Tiger Woods Returns to Golf, Tiger Woods Sex Scandal, Tiger Woods Sex Scandals, Turkey Club Sandwich Tiger Woods
Sick of “Single Ladies” videos? Or were you already sick of them a year ago like me? Well, there’s one last “Single Ladies” tribute you have to watch. Just because this is probably the only one you’ll see where somebody gets their soul crushed as they Put a Ring on It.
Oh, the parental shutdown! Oh, the killing of dreams!
[via Hyphen magazine]
Filed under: Beyonce, Beyonce Knowles, Dream Killers, Hardass Parenting, Hardass Parents of All Colors, Rock of Asian, Shutdowns, Single Ladies, Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It), Single Ladies Videos, Soul Crushing
Thursday night, were there two Asians on the women’s figure skating medal podium…or three?
There was gold medal winner Kim Yu-na of South Korea, who skated perfectly, set a new scoring record, and was, according to the NY Times, “taken aback by her own crying” at the end of her performance; and there was silver medal winner Mao Asada of Japan, who failed to nail two of her jumps, looked stoically sad about being the first loser during the medal ceremony, and later described herself as “regretful”…and then there was Canada’s Joannie Rochette, who stayed in the competition and won the bronze only four days after her mother’s sudden death from a heart attack, who, after the competition, recounted how her mother was sometimes her biggest critic, how when Joannie would score a 98 on a test, she’d wonder, “What about those other two points?”
So let’s see…
We had perfection and an unexpected display of emotion, stoicism and regret, and memories of a Hardass Mama willing her child to succeed?
Sounds like an Asian sweep to me!
Filed under: 2010 Winter Olympics, Asians and Figure Skating, Figure Skating, First Loser, Hardass Asian Parents, Hardass Parents of All Colors, Joannie Rochette, Kim Yu-na, Mao Asada, Mirai Nagasu, Perfection, Queen Yu-na, Regret, Vancouver Olympics, Winter Olympics, Women's Figure Skating
Did y’all watch President Obama’s entire State of the Union speech last night?
Was it just us, or did Father sound MAAAAAAAAD? I damn near jumped out of my skin when he belted “I DON’T QUIT” from those mighty, Hardass Daddy lungs. While I shivered with fear, I felt good and right, hopeful and safe. And glad, so glad.
(Man, we had fucked up childhoods.)
If you missed last night’s speech [shrugs] because you were busy doing something else, watch all 70 minutes or so below:
Filed under: "I Don't Quit.", Angry Men, Daddy Issues, Dads, First State Of the Union, Hardass Parents of All Colors, Kowtow, Obama Administration, POTUS, President Barack Obama, President Obama State Of The Union, SOTU, Speeches, State Of The Union, the President, Who Are Your Parents?
We talk about our Hardass Asian Parents a lot, and the ways in which they, um,
pushed us to succeed molded us into perfectionists put us into therapy for life raised us, but the truth is, you don’t have to be Asian to be a Hardass Asian Parent. Take, for example, Ben Morrison.
Morrison, a web developer, created an iPhone app called Langu, because he and his wife adopted a daughter from Taiwan, and they wanted her to grow up fluent in both Mandarin and English. Cute, right?
But wait. There’s more. In addition to the app, Morrison told Wired‘s GeekDad that he also uses these tools to help his daughter learn what would’ve been her native tongue:
We do our best to expose her to many different channels of learning the language, like Mandarin immersion preschool, Chinese picture books, even bootleg “Dora the Explorer” translated into Chinese.
Mandarin immersion preschool AND Chinese picture books AND bootleg “Dora the Explorer” videos translated into Chinese AND you write your own iPhone language app for toddlers that features a “Quiz” mode?!
Not content to sit on his laurels (or let his daughter sit on hers, either), Morrison has other educational iPhone apps in the works:
I’ve been kicking around some ideas for other iPhone apps, most of them center around something I want Violet to learn… probably reading or math next. And of course, if Langu’s well received, I’d like to make more versions… I’d want to tackle Arabic or Hindi next—I like typography, and am easily excited by non-Latin characters.
Good lord, this guy makes my own Hardass Asian Dad, who used to make me go to Chinese school occasionally, do math workbooks over summer vacation, and write up reports on what I’d read in Scientific American, look downright soft.
Hardass Parents of All Stripes: The Langu Mandarin iPhone app is available here.
Jon Voight, second Runner-up for Dad-of-the-Century (Michael Lohan and Papa Joe put in such competitive bids), has spoken up this week on why the Democrats are making a piss-poor candidate choice for the upcoming Presidential election, in a dense editorial printed in the Washington Times.
We, as parents, are well aware of the importance of our teachers who teach and program our children. We also know how important it is for our children to play with good-thinking children growing up.
Sen. Barack Obama has grown up with the teaching of very angry, militant white and black people: the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan, William Ayers and Rev. Michael Pfleger. We cannot say we are not affected by teachers who are militant and angry. We know too well that we become like them, and Mr. Obama will run this country in their mindset…
…there’s not a cell in my body that can accept the idea that Mr. Obama can keep us safe from the terrorists around the world, and from Iran, which is making great strides toward getting the atomic bomb. And while a misleading portrait of Mr. Obama is being perpetrated by a media controlled by the Democrats, the Obama camp has sent out people to attack the greatness of Sen. John McCain, whose suffering and courage in a Hanoi prison camp is an American legend.
My gracious. Quite a lot of Hardass Parenting words from a man who lied and cheated on his wife, has been publicly shamed by his own daughter (after “teaching and programming” both of his offspring’s ways towards drug-abusing, sibling-tonguing, skin-cutting, parent-omitting young-life crises), and who can’t remember the name of his grandchild?
Brother, please. Leave the preaching to the Reverends.
Filed under: Bad Parenting, Barack Obama, Brother Please, Dads, Fear-Mongers, Hardass Parents of All Colors, John McCain, Jon Voight is a Tool, McCarthyites, Nonsense, Public Shaming, Reverends, Wesley Clark
on the cover of ‘OK! Magazine’
BABY MADDIE: I can’t smile on demand, Mom. I can’t make my body work yet. I don’t even realize that I exist.
JAMIE-LYNN: Ma doctor said I had a cyst once, on my foot. Mama said it was a sign that I wasn’t chosed to be a celebrity. Man I hate her. No I don’t. What’d I just say?
BABY MADDIE: I can’t remember what you just said. I don’t yet have the ability to record word symbols and repeat them back.
JAMIE-LYNN: Yer dumb, arentchoo lil baby? Tha’s okay!
BABY MADDIE: I’m not DUMB. I’m a BABY. YOU’RE dumb.
JAMIE-LYNN: Shut up, you dumb baby!
BABY MADDIE: I have all the potential in the world. You’re a teenage has-been mom with cracked-out relatives.
JAMIE-LYNN: It’s not “relatives,” it’s “relations.”
BABY MADDIE: I can’t believe that you’re my relations.
JAMIE-LYNN: Respect your relations, baby!
BABY MADDIE: Why? So I can become my mom’s cash cow, like you? You’re already pimping out a picture of me before I can open my eyes! You’re just like Mama Spears!
JAMIE-LYNN: No I’m not!
BABY MADDIE: Oh yes you are.
JAMIE-LYNN: I just want her to be proud of me. I just want her to treat me like her daughter. I want her to stop comparing my achievements to ma sister’s. Why won’t she be proud of me? I fucked up and had a baby too! I FUCKED UP AND HAD A BABY TOO! (sobs uncontrollably)
BABY MADDIE: Wow. I hope I never open up my eyes. Please take the picture.
Recently, a man whom I’ve admired but not totally understood, a man who has at times seemed emotionally distant, someone who worked his way up in America from nothing, said that what kids need today is…
“…a sense of shame. We have got to make sure that we give our youngsters a sense of the need for excellence, the need for hard work. And we believe in you. We have expectations for you. Don’t disappoint us.”
And no, it wasn’t my Dad talkin’, it was this guy:
Further proof that Hillary Clinton is a closeted Asian came Saturday in Ohio, when Hills busted out the “S” word during a rally in Cincinnati:
Dayum! Watching that gave me flashbacks to my Hardass Asian Mom after she read negative attacks of herself in my diary, circa 7th grade. Her wrath scared me so straight, I whaled on the PSATs, held down first chair oboe all year, and started pretending that I wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up.
For anyone out there doubting Hillary’s ability to lead, rest assured. She’ll be great at providing healthcare, because there will be no such thing as “sick,”; making education affordable, because we’ll only be permitted to spend our allowances on tuition at a 1st tier college; and pushing this country to be Number One again, because she’ll need something to brag about at Chinese choir-practice.
Senators Clinton and Obama were both featured in separate interviews on 60 minutes last night, each staking their respective claim for the Democratic presidential nominasian.
I’ve actually been leafing through Op-Ed piece after Op-Ed piece since Super Tuesday last week, trying to nail down the definitive reason for a whopping 75% of the Asian vote in the highly influential state of California going to Hillary. Everyone’s got their theory–whether it be that Asians follow community leaders, or tend to vote for people with frown lines like their grandma’s.
But I think Couric really got to the bottom of it all during the interview last night, while digging into the Senator’s Hardass upbringing:
“President Clinton described your dad, I believe at his funeral, as tough and gruff?” Couric asked. “And I know I’ve read that when you brought home stellar grades, instead of praising you, he’s [sic] say, ‘You must be going to an easy school.’ … That must have been so demoralizing.”
“He really wanted to motivate me. And it worked,” Clinton said. “You know, it really did. He would say, ‘You can do better. You can do better. Keep going. You can do better.’”
“Do you think he’d still be saying, ‘You can do better’?” Couric asked.
“Probably,” Clinton replied.
At long last, we’ve found the answer! Asian voters can smell Hardass Asian Parenting from a mile away. Ergo, the Super Tuesday vote one of solidarity, like thousands of unified Asian-American voices saying, “Hey Hill, our dads didn’t hug us either.”
Anybody that knows me is familiar with the my semi-irrational distaste for the illustrious football family, The Mannings. There are a slew of reasons, most of them having to do with Peyton and his dubious leadership abilities. But I’ll be honest, I tend to just sniff my nose at all of the Mannings–except the oldest (the only one without a Super Bowl ring)–just ‘cuz of how freakin’ dopey they seem.
It gets a little complicated with Eli. At the beginning of the season his game was looking pretty off. And for the most part, he just has this nerdy little face, and small goofy body, and whenever he throws an incomplete he makes this dumb expression that isn’t tough and isn’t pissed, it’s just “Aww, man!”
On the other hand, I’m not made of stone; I’ve always maintained the tiniest soft spot for little Eli. There’s something about the fact that he’s spent so much of his life living in his brother’s shadow. I’ve always imagined that being Eli in the Manning family is a little like being me in mine (i.e. failing), to the Nth degree. Can you imagine the dinner table? “Hey Peyton, my boy, have some more potatoes! And uh… you… what’s your name… Not-Peyton, can you go grab some more RC Cola from the fridge?” In any other family, Eli would be the golden child. Starting quarterback of the New York Giants? That would warrant some serious mommy news clippings and daddy boasting around town. But for a really long time, poor E was just a kid whose brother happened to be in all of the NFL commercials. He got his butt kicked (literally) in their shared ESPN commercial. He cracked under the pressure of having big bro in the stands as he faced off with the Vikings in November. And if it wasn’t his mom and dad asking him, it was the world… That is, until yesterday.
Here’s to lil’ sibling comeuppance.
On the other hand, I’m not made of stone; I’ve always maintained the tiniest soft spot for little Eli. There’s something about the fact that he’s spent so much of his life living in his brother’s shadow. I’ve always imagined that being Eli in the Manning family is a little like being me in mine (i.e. failing), to the Nth degree. Can you imagine the dinner table? “Hey Peyton, my boy, have some more potatoes! And uh… you… what’s your name… Not-Peyton, can you go grab some more RC Cola from the fridge?”
In any other family, Eli would be the golden child. Starting quarterback of the New York Giants? That would warrant some serious mommy news clippings and daddy boasting around town. But for a really long time, poor E was just a kid whose brother happened to be in all of the NFL commercials. He got his butt kicked (literally) in their shared ESPN commercial. He cracked under the pressure of having big bro in the stands as he faced off with the Vikings in November. And if it wasn’t his mom and dad asking him, it was the world…
That is, until yesterday.
Here’s to lil’ sibling comeuppance.