You are currently browsing posts tagged with Hardass Asian Values
You Didn’t Break Any World Records, Loser
I can’t say I’m a big fan of the individual microphones that NBC has clipped onto certain notables in the Olympic crowds of Beijing–Michael Phelps’s mom, Nastia Liukin’s friends, whoever–ya just never know what you’re going to hear. Maybe it’s your average cheering (which is so awkward to listen to without the context of the rest of the crowd), or else it’s personal chatter/words of disappointment/performance criticisms/judge slander that you were never meant to hear anyway. Whatever the audio, it all makes me feel like a totally creepy voyeur. (And listen, I am a creepy voyeur–as any neighbor couples that have ever had sex near a thinly-veiled window will likely attest to–but I really, really hate feeling like one.)
Last night, while watching the women’s pole vault competition, I roused myself from near-Sleepyland just in time to witness American rookie Jenn Stuczynski’s final sky-high bounces. The girl has only even been doing the sport for four years (??) (!!), and kapowed her first Olympic games with an astounding silver medal finish. It should be noted that she came in second just to the very cocky, very gifted reigning double world, triple European, and defending Olympic champion Yelena Isinbayeva, who proceeded to break her own world record a centimeter after claiming the gold.
Beating her would’ve been quite a longshot, and a silver medal for a relative novice is fucking amazing, right? Not according to Stucynski’s coach, Rick Suhr, who congratulated the medalist with this charming, slit-your-wrist pep talk while mic’d up for NBC viewers:
Jesus H., where did Suhr go to school, the New York Academy of Hardass Asian Coaching? Both of my parents were really taken aback by the coach’s unexpected caustic attack, at least that’s what they told me on the phone this morning when we talked about the clip.**
**My dad–who made the same face as Suhr (see left) when he realized I’d achieved second chair violin in honor orchestra instead of first, later clarified that he was mostly taken aback by the fact that any Hardass muthafucka would be egotistical and stupid enough to allow themselves to be mic’d on national television, while berating their prodigy.
Hrmmm.
I’m pretty sure my parents think that Stuczynski is a total loser.
Filed under: Disappointment, Everybody Loves a Winner, Hardass Asian Values, Jenn Stuczynski Wins Silver, NBC, Pole Vault, Silver Medals Blow, The 2008 Olympics, Voyeurs, World Records, Yelena Isinbayeva
Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous
Gary Glitter will be released from a Vietnam prison later this month after serving a reduced 3-month sentence for molesting two 11-year old girls, after which, “it is his right to go anywhere he wants,” reports Reuters.
3 months? I’ve been grounded longer for a B+ average. Since when are our people going soft on crime? Last night, my Hardass Asian Landlord gave me a verbal lashing–for breaking a window with a water balloon– so harsh and intense that for a moment I felt I was actually his spawn, and had been caught doing crack, out of a used pipe, with a married man inside of me, in an Atlanta whorehouse… and I wasn’t the least surprised.
Asians go easy on no one. Not husbands, not children, not employees, not opponents in war, not friends.
Why the fuck should we change that modus operandi for a platform-wearing pedophile?? Roast the fucker! Send him to the VC tunnels! Do I need to come over there with my dad and show how it’s done??
Source
Thanks, Jasmine and Maris!
Filed under: "Do You Wanna Touch Me?" (No), Alleged Child Molesters, Criminals, Gary Glitter, Going Soft, Hardass Asian Values, Lashings, Pedophiles, Unfunny Stuff, Vietnam We Have A Problem, WTF?
AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Melissa Wu
Name: Melissa Wu
Age: 16
Hails from: Australia
Occupation: Olympic diver
Known for: Her work on the 10M platform (solo and synchronized), being the youngest and smallest diver (at 4’6″ and 81 lbs.) to ever represent Australia, winning the silver at the 2006 Commonwealth Games, making this oh-so-Hardass quote her mantra: “Strong minds suffer without complaining, weak minds complain without suffering.”
Judging by her Takkle profile, which lists her favorite movies as Borat and Jackass and her favorite TV shows as Little Britain, Family Guy, and Summer Heights High, Melissa, who is half-Chinese (from her father’s side), also has winning sense –i.e. our kind–of humor.
Filed under: 10 M Platform, Australia, Australians, Australiasians, Divers, Good Things Come in Small Packages, Hardass Asian Values, Melissa Wu, Mixed People, The 2008 Olympics
DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Huan Hsu of Slate
Huan Hsu’s dense dissection of his disaffection for International Tennis Hall of Fame inductee Michael Chang in Slate magazine resulted in mixed reader reactions this week. Some found him a pathetic self-loather, others believed he was proudly daring to be different. Or maybe he was just a contrarian writing for Slate, trying to rack up page views by being “the one Asian guy on earth willing to hate Michael Chang.” Wooo fucking hoo!
We found his piece to be… sad.
Now, we don’t fault Hsu for loving Edberg and Sampras more than Chang, or for salting his own childhood tennis game to get people to stop comparing him to the champion of Prince. We’re even a bit fascinated by Hsu’s dwelling on Chang’s physicality, his preoccupasian with male body inferiority (especially because we can’t find a picture of the tough-guy writer anywhere online).
And while his accusasians that Chang–by virtue of being a studious, determined, straight-laced player, somehow perpetuated negative Asian stereotypes–confuses us, we are even more boggled by how determined Hsu is that those qualities are intrinsically bad. Outlasting a tennis opponent with endurance is bad. Getting a degree after retiring is bad. What else is bad, then, we wonder: Valedictorian caps? High-paying jobs? Gold medals? Nice cars? Rice?
All we know is that for someone with such a steel opposition against stereotypical values, he sure does a bang-up job of showing his Hardass Asian True Colors: Hsu spends the latter half of the piece insisting that although Chang was once a prodigious champion, he wasn’t really champion enough or for long enough. And he didn’t bang a hot enough woman at the end of it all to convince Hsu that he too could get some sweet, Anglo poonanie (we’re not so sure he will) one day.
Jeez. Our parents have challenged us on some similar points before (“You used to be a genius” more so than “You should be getting laid), but um, we think it may have actually sounded a bit nicer. A lot, actually.
Source
Source
Thanks, Aunt Gertrude!
Filed under: Anger Management, Diatribes, Hardass Asian Values, Huan Hsu, Inferiority Complexes, Michael Chang, Prodigies, Slant Magazine, Sterotypes, Tennis, What's Your Damage?
Domo Arigato, Mr. Guitar Hero Boto
Y’all know how good Jen and I are at Guitar Hero. Let’s face it–we totally rage!! We’re so good I sometimes can’t believe us!! And this makes me happy.
What I think is just SAD is that a group of SAD little kids (high school/college students), who are CLEARLY threatened by how freakin’ Guitar Heroic we are (who wouldn’t be?), felt so SAD and pathetic and inept and compelled to beat us* that they BUILT a SAD little robot to PLAY GUITAR HERO WELL FOR THEM.
That’s right. A robot that uses note-sensory to beat the songs (in career mode, on Expert level) with skyrocketing scores. Just SAD.
From their site, mechanizedrock.com:
Our note-sensing technique is what makes DeepNote unique. Using photodiodes aimed at the 5 notes on the screen, we are able to pick up on the changes in light that are exhibited when a note passes through the sensors. A photodiode works just like a photovoltaic cell (solar panel), by turning absorbed light waves into voltage. Thus, a voltage spike is experienced when light increases. The photodiodes have an 8 nanosecond response time and a small viewing angle, making them ideal for accurate and speedy analysis of notes. Because the voltage generated by this light change is very small (on the scale of a few millivolts), circuitry is used to amplify the signal up to about 3 volts, remove as much noise as possible, and adjust the hysteresis. The result of all of this is a digital square wave where 3 volts indicates a note, and 0 volts indicates no note. The sensors are held in place by a sliding rack that allows them to be adjusted for different size televisions.
Wha? Darf?
Y’know, the Hardass Asian Lady in me is thoroughly disgusted by this shortcut. This is pussy-ass cheating. This is what I was taught: If you aren’t good at something, KILL YOURSELF. Oops, I mean, get better. Get better until you are THE BEST! Settle for nothing else! Don’t construct a fucking robot to be the best for you!
That said, The Hardass Asian Lady in me is also thinking, “Shit, guys, you used scientific prowess and dedicasian to make a ROBOT that can slay Guitar Hero on Expert? How badass!”
“How… ASIAN.”
*we actually don’t know these kids, and don’t know if they only built their robot to beat US specifically. But we assume that they did.
Filed under: Cheaters, Guitar Bots, Guitar Hero III, Guitarded, Hardass Asian Values, Nerds, Robots, Sad, Threats to Manhood, What's Next? Computers That Handle Customer Service?
SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Hardass Asian Coaches
“The Big Four”: The Boston Celtics’ Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Strength and Conditioning Coach Bryan Doo
RAY ALLEN: Man oh man. We finally get rings. Nothing tops this. Nothing.
KEVIN GARNETT: Didja hear you tied the NBA record for most 3′s in a Finals game tonight? Way to leave it all on the floor, muthafucka.
RAY ALLEN: Really? How about that.
BRYAN DOO: Great work, Ray. You did good. You’re going down in the record books. You’ll have to share that record, but…they’re putting your name down. Right next to the names of Kenny “The Jet” Smith and Scottie Pippen.
RAY ALLEN: So I’m in great company.
BRYAN DOO: You’re right in there with the best. “Tied” with ‘em, which means “just as good,” I guess. (beat) It would’ve been sweet to get that eighth 3 though, wouldn’t it? Ah, man, that would’ve been sweet.
KEVIN GARNETT: Let Ray have his moment, dude.
BRYAN DOO: You’re right. Let’s talk about you, KG. Let’s talk about you and your moment. How does it feel?
KEVIN GARNETT: I don’t have the words. It’s a dream come true.
BRYAN DOO: It was almost perfect, wasn’t it?
KEVIN GARNETT: Almost? Man, it was perfect.
BRYAN DOO: When you pictured this moment as a kid, did you picture doing it in a Celtic uniform? Did you think you’d be crushing a legendary franchise like the Los Angeles Lakers? Did you imagine getting up on that makeshift stage, with confetti falling all around you, accepting the Larry O’Brien trophy in one hand and the Finals MVP in the–
KEVIN GARNETT: We all know that the MVP trophy is going to Paul. And he deserves it. I’m happy for him.
BRYAN DOO: You’re happy for him? That’s cool. Really generous of you.
KEVIN GARNETT: I’ll pick up that MVP trophy next time.
BRYAN DOO: You sure will.
KEVIN GARNETT: Yep.
BRYAN DOO: I mean, if there’s a next time. You never know when you’re going to get back on the big stage. But I’m sure you’re right. Next time, for sure.
PAUL PIERCE: Bryan, what’s eatin’ you?
BRYAN DOO: Who me? Nothing! Why would you say that? I’m happy. I’m thrilled. Look, you’re crushing the Lakers by 39 points. What do I have to be unhappy about? I’m ecstatic! I’m over the moon!
PAUL PIERCE: Alright. Then chill. We’re all getting rings here, including you.
BRYAN DOO: And I’m going to wear mine with pride. I’ll wear it and I’ll always think back to this moment, when we were crushing the Lakers by 39 points, wrapped up together in this awesome man-hug.
KEVIN GARNETT: That’s what I’m talkin’ about.
BRYAN DOO: 39 points! That’s a record.
RAY ALLEN: It’s the biggest blow-out in Finals history, I guess.
BRYAN DOO: Er, not quite. It’s a record for the largest point-margin in a decisive Finals game, which is different from the largest point-margin in a Finals game, which was 42 points, set by the Chicago Bulls in 1998 when they blew out the Utah Jazz–
KEVIN GARNETT: Sweet Jesus, Bryan! Will you just spit it out for god’s sake? Say what you want to say and stop beating around the bush. My ears are bleeding, man! I just won an NBA championship! I’m going to Disney World! My mug’s going on a Wheaties box tomorrow! What kinda problem could you possibly have with that?
BRYAN DOO: No problem, KG! None! I just think, you know, we could all do better sometimes, that’s all. (beat) Hey, who’s up for a three-peat, “Big Three”?
KEVIN GARNETT: I’m depressed.
RAY ALLEN: I feel like a failure.
PAUL PIERCE: Life is meaningless.
Source: ABC
Filed under: Championships, Congratulasians, Do Better, Everybody Loves a Winner, Failure, Hardass Asian Values, Kevin Garnett, MVPs, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Records, the Boston Celtics
Charming Aspirasians
David “My Magic Isn’t Exactly Magic Per Se” Blaine held his breath for a record-breaking 17 minutes and 4 seconds today, an achievement that was broadcast live on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Immediately after completing the mind-boggling task, Blaine told Winfrey that the accomplishment had “always been a lifelong dream.”
It all kind of reminded me of my early years of dating, when every guy I brought home had just gotten off of a tour vehicle of some sort or spent much of their free time peddling records and buying vintage cowboy shirts. They would always look, unsteadily, with four eyes or a smidge of eyeliner, at my dad and talk about their hopes for the future.
It often sounded an awful lot like this:
“I definitely want to like, manage a record shop.”
“We’re gonna sell a bunch of albums. Maybe go to Japan!”
“I’ll probably take some classes sometime.”
My dad would always raise his eyebrows in bewilderment and nod us off. I knew that with our backs turned he would be shaking his head at me, imagining his youngest daughter barefoot and pregnant alongside a 40-year old record store clerk. “These guys,” he would say later, “they have no ambition, no goals. What kind of future do you think they will have?”
I assume that if he heard about Blaine’s long-held ambitions he would scowl something in the same vein: “Holding his breath is his lifelong dream? Tell him to breathe and go to college, get a job!”
Or maybe just “I hate magic!”
Or maybe both.
Filed under: David Blaine, Disappointing My Parents, Don't Hold Your Breath, Dubious Achievements, Guys In Bands, Hardass Asian Values, Lofty Goals, Oprah Winfrey, World Records
Bill Gasian
Voicemail from Diana’s mom, heard over the weekend:
“…know if she is going to pick up? (pause) Hello? Hello? Diana? Hello are you there? (click)”
“Hi Diana, it’s Mom. You never called me about those forms for your stocks. You need to do that before the end of the week. Don’t forget. You always wait until the last minute, that’s why you always end up making mistakes. Anyway. Just called to say hi. Are you traveling this weekend? If not, your aunt is having a birthday at the Seafood Palace on Sunday. Come at noon. It starts at one but you are always late. Make sure you leave LA with plenty of time to–”
“Hi Di. It’s Mom. Your Daddy says hello. We read in the paper today that Bill Gates is no longer the world’s richest man. He is the man that makes computers, right? My friends and I were very impressed by him. My friend from meditation practice was always thinking he is very handsome. Why do you think he lost his fortune? He probably got very lazy and then lost a lot of money. That is so bad, to fail at business. His parents must be very disppoint–”
“Anyway, Di, I’ll talk to you later. When you come down to visit, can you bring that movie you forgot to give me last time? Okay. And don’t forget to deal with those stocks today. Don’t wait. Like I told you before. Bye.”
Filed under: Bill Gates, Disappointing My Parents, Hardass Asian Values, Money Matters, Phone Calls From Mom, Rich People, Warren Buffet Has A Lotta Dough
Do Better than Your Best
Phooey.
I think it’s safe to say that “Do Your Best” is not really in Diana’s and my vocabularies. “Be the Best,” yes, but “Do Your Best,” not so much. It has a ring of resignation to it that just doesn’t jive with our upbringings. It sounds like “try” instead of “do.” There seems to be an escape clause built into the phrase that says, “Do Your Best, and If That’s Not So Good, No Biggie.”
This is how I felt, anyway, when I read the following headline today: “China Says Doing Its Best to Bring Peace to Sudan.”
Really? Are ya, China?
In the story, China’s envoy to Darfur, Liu Guijin, is quoted as saying:
“The Chinese government is trying hard to find a practical solution,” he said. “We are not going to try just to reduce the pressure we are faced with. By doing that we have to conduct the so-called quiet diplomacy, because all diplomacy should be quiet. If we make announcements everywhere, that cannot solve the problem. According to our Oriental culture, we do lot of things quietly.”
Okay, but according to our Oriental culture, we also do lots of things awesomely. So step it up, y’all.
Filed under: China We Have A Problem, Doing Your Best, Hardass Asian Values, Quiet Diplomacy, Step It Up Yo, Sudan, This is Bullshit
