DISGRASIAN™

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Softass Asian Parents

By now you may have seen the Internet-famous photos of Ardi Rizal, a 2-year-old Indonesian boy with a 2-pack-a-day habit.

Bad parenting blows

Although we will admit he’s got a pretty cool smoking style (very Goodfellas! Oh I kid, I kid), photos of the tot on a little truck actually reveal a really frightening fact–Rizal’s smoking has affected his health so much that he can barely move himself without those plastic wheels.

Homeboy is a smoker. And his parents apparently can’t–or won’t–do anything about it.

From Daily Mail:

“[D]espite local officials’ offer to buy the Rizal family a new car if the boy quits, his parents feel unable to stop him because he throws massive tantrums if they don’t indulge him.

His mother, Diana, 26, wept: ‘He’s totally addicted. If he doesn’t get cigarettes, he gets angry and screams and batters his head against the wall. He tells me he feels dizzy and sick.’

Ardi will smoke only one brand and his habit costs his parents £3.78 a day in Musi Banyuasin, in Indonesia’s South Sumatra province.”

So waaaaaaaitaminute. This TODDLER has no degrees, no job, no promise of athletic glory or public office. He costs his parents £4 a day because he’s picky about his pack and his dad doesn’t see a problem? Who’s the boss here? If my late Hardass Asian Grandma read about this situation, she’d probably smack me just to make sure I didn’t get any wild ideas!

But anyway, here’s a solution: Let’s get Cesar Millan over to Indonesia to rehabilitate this little smoke fiend and train those parents! Sheesh.

[Daily Mail: Too Unfit To Run - Two-Year-Old Who Smokes 40 Cigarettes A Day Puffs Away On A Toy Truck]

Source
Thanks, Heather!

Filed under: 2 packs a day, 2-year-old Indonesian boy smokes, 40 cigarettes a day, Ardi Rizal, Bad Parenting, child smoker, Childhood smoking habits, Diana Rizal, Hardass Asian Parenting, Hardass Asian Parents, Hardass Asian Siblings, Health, Indonesia, Indonesians, Mohammed Rizal, Not Cool, Softass Asian Parents, Weird Indonesian Behavior

An Open Letter From DISGRASIAN To Shawne Merriman

Hello Shawn,

Not a merry man

Okay, we don’t know you. We’re not your big sisters. But if we were your big sisters–whoo boy, this “conversation” would be the 9,473,665th epic, painful, terrifying, soul-sucking Hardass Asian Sister lecture of the month, not just one kindly open letter on a blog.

We read today that you are finally suing your former fiancée, Tila Tequila–your part of the fallout for a boom-and-bust engagement that erupted in alleged violence and went down in internet flames. To be clear, we don’t and likely will never know what went down between the two of you that ugly night. Continue reading An Open Letter From DISGRASIAN To Shawne Merriman

Filed under: Athletes, Bad Choices, Batshit Women, Crazians, Defamasian, Domestic Violence, fiancees, Gossip, Hardass Asian Siblings, Innocence, Intentional Interference With Contract, Lawsuits, Legal Double Standard, Lies, Linebackers, People To Avoid, Scandals, Shawne Merriman, Tiger Woods, Tila Tequila, Trademark Infringement, Unfair Competition

Just A Slice

Unlike all-star Jen, I stunk at baseball-related activity as a kid. I even blew chunks when it came to T-ball, where my only responsibilities were to whack a sphere off a still podium (straight to the pitcher… if not the catcher), and make occasional motions towards lone grounders that happened to make their miserable way to the out-out-outfield where I spent my time picking dandelions and daydreaming about slugger Garrett Hawkins.

I hated playing ball. If, like me, you had the coordination of a zygote and the attention span of a goldfish, it was boring as sin. And even though I spent my evenings cheering on my older sisters, who all consistently made all-stars and pitched nail-biters while I clutched my “lucky” George Brett mini-bat, I really didn’t understand shit about the game. ZzZZZzzzZzzz.

As an adult I’m finally beginning to understand the beautiful nuances of America’s pastime, which is far more than just a game; instead, an ongoing, arduous test of focus and human steel. But that wouldn’t have made me any more interested as a tot.

If only the game had been a simpler one, with a rock solid result from every swing. Something I could’ve wrapped my tiny little head around. A game I could’ve seen and understood without so much as thinking. Something like…

Dude, I could have KILLED at Samurai T-ball. Absolutely KILLED.

Thanks, Chris!

Filed under: All-Stars, Awesome Games, Baseball, Confusion, George Brett, Hardass Asian Siblings, Samurai Baseball, Samurai Swords, Slicing Baseballs, Sports, Sucking at Sports, T-Ball, Weird Japanese Behavior

"All I Did Was Eat Your Dumplings"

Lessons learned from the following video:

a) Do not eat your older sister’s motherfuckin’ dumplings.

b) If you fail to follow through with a), capture your sister’s hissy fit on camera and then upload it to YouTube so that she winds up looking “like the bitch” to Mom and everybody else on the planet.

Also…

c) Drugs are bad.

[via BuzzFeed]

Filed under: D.A.R.E., Drugs, Dumplings, Freakouts, Hardass Asian Siblings, Sibling Rivalry, Sisters, YouTube Revenge

North Korea, Watch Your Back

Laura Ling (younger sister of Lisa Ling) and Euna Lee–two American journalists for Current TV–have reportedly been abducted and detained by North Korean soldiers, for ignoring warnings to stop shooting footage from across the Chinese border.

From AP:

South Korean media first reported the detentions early Thursday, with YTN television saying two Americans were arrested near the Tumen River dividing North Korea and China. The Yonhap news agency, citing diplomatic sources, said North Korean soldiers took them into custody after they ignored orders to stop filming.

Reporters Without Borders called for the immediate release of the journalists and their guide and urged Chinese authorities to intercede on their behalf “as they were probably on Chinese soil when they were arrested.“

We have the two women in our thoughts right now, and hope for their quick and safe return–not just for their safety, but for the safety of someone else–because if Laura’s big sis is anything like mine, N. Korea’s Kim Jong Il may quickly find himself with his head mauled, appendages broken, and dick in a vice.

After all, Hell hath no fury like a Hardass Asian Sister.

[AP: 2 US journalists detained by NKorea for filming]

Source
Thanks, G Scott!

Filed under: Abductions, Atrocities, China, Come Home Safe, Current TV, Detainees, Euna Lee, Hardass Asian Siblings, Journalists, Kim Jong Il, Laura Ling, Lisa Ling, North Korea, Release Them Now

Oh, the Holidaysians Were Just Great

Today is the President-elect’s first day back on the job at Capitol Hill, and he’s hitting the ground running by meeting with Speaker Pelosi and running headfirst into the daunting task of economic policy.

As we ourselves slide reluctantly into our first day back at work, we can’t help but wonder if Obama–between bangs of his head on the desk accompanied by the chant, “I can’t believe I’m going to have to run this broken, mangled, carcass of a country next month”–might quietly be sighing the same airy breaths of relief we all do as we return from two weeks of Holiday “celebrations.” Is he secretly thankful that now he can deal with the insurmountable mountain of work “changing America,” instead of fussing with overcommitments to parties, poor displays of unsentimental gift-giving, and mind-numbing marathons of Taboo and Guesstures with relatives?

After all, Asian lifeblood sorta runs through (or near) our future leader’s veins. Could he possibly know all-too-well the experience of a Hardass Asian Holiday dinner? If his was anything like ours, we can only imagine…

BARACK OBAMA: Merry Christmas, everybody!

MICHELLE OBAMA: Isn’t Hawaii beautiful? Look, Malia and Sasha made cotton-ball Santas for everyone!

MAYA SOETORO-NG: Aw. How lovely.

MICHELLE OBAMA: I mean, Sasha’s is a little lopsided, you know. I told her not to use the glue stick, just to use just the regular school glue, but she doesn’t listen. So it could look better, I suppose.

MAYA SOETORO-NG: I guess you’re still proud of her, though.

MICHELLE OBAMA: Sure, I guess. If only she was as good as her sister.

MAYA SOETORO-NG: Y’know, it’s funny you mention it anyway, because I wasn’t going to say anything, but I did notice that the right side could use quite a few more cotton balls. Don’t you guys use the Johnson & Johnson ones, like I suggested? How many times do I have to buy those for you guys? Barry always buys the generic ones.

MICHELLE OBAMA: He says he can’t tell the difference.

KONRAD NG: I’m with you brother, I can’t really tell the difference.

MAYA SOETORO-NG: [To Konrad] Don’t take his side! You’re my husband, be on my side.

BARACK OBAMA: Guys, I don’t know if it really matters all that m–

MAYA SOETORO-NG: So are you calling us stupid?

BARACK OBAMA: Um… no.

MAYA SOETORO-NG: Why are you trying to start fights? It’s Christmas! You just got here and already you’re starting fights.

BARACK OBAMA: I am?

MICHELLE OBAMA: Listen to your sister, honey. You’re not the “President” here.

[Michelle and Maya high-five]

BARACK OBAMA: Does the driveway need shoveling or something? I think I’m gonna go outside.

MAYA SOETORO-NG: It’s Hawaii. Are you going to shovel sand? [To Michelle] This is just like when he was little. Always saying stuff to get out of the room.

BARACK OBAMA: So… how are things with you? It’s so good to be here and just get away. I don’t even want to think about the Inauguration.

MICHELLE OBAMA: Oh boy, here we go again. Okay, Mister President. Let’s talk about you more.

BARACK OBAMA: I just mean that we’re so busy.

KONRAD NG: Yeah, we are all busy.

MAYA SOETORO-NG: Yes, Barack. We are all busy. You’re not the only one with a job, you know! I have a job, Konrad has a job, Michelle has a job, Malia has a job.

BARACK OBAMA: Malia doesn’t have a job!

MAYA SOETORO-NG: But she will! Don’t you think we should talk about her for a change?

BARACK OBAMA: Change whatever you want! FINE!

MAYA SOETORO-NG: FINE!

KONRAD NG: Does anybody want to play Rummikub?

MICHELLE OBAMA: Okay. But only if we have rum first.

BARACK OBAMA: I can’t wait to get back to work.

MAYA SOETORO-NG: Merry Christmas, everybody!

…Needless to say, we doubt the Obamas roll like we do. But boy, as you can probably tell, we are damn glad to be back at our desks.

Source
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Filed under: Back from the Dark Side, Barack Obama, Family Get-Togethers, Hardass Asian Siblings, Konrad Ng, Maya Soetoro-Ng, Michelle Obama, Strange Directions Holidays Take, The Holidays, Traumatizing Holidays

Maddox and Pax: Imitasian Is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

MADDOX: Goddammit, Dad, Pax copied me AGAIN. I get streaks in my hair, he gets streaks in his hair. Are you gonna let him get a mohawk, too?! Just cuz we’re both Asian doesn’t mean we have to look alike. Christ, I wish that little squirt would get his own steez.

PAX: Daddy, what is “steez”?

BRAD: It’s like this hat I’m wearing. Hats are a kind of steez. Before I started aggressively wearing hats in public, I was only known as, you know, the Sexiest Man Alive. But then, I got a steez, and I became, like, a satirist.

MADDOX: Sartorialist. You mean “sartorialist.”

BRAD: Man, you’re smart. How did a kid like you come from a guy like me?

MADDOX: Um, how do I put this? I didn’t.

BRAD: Oh. Right.

PAX: Daddy, this backpack I’m wearing is ugly. I want to get a one-shouldered bag like Mad. Please, please, pretty please?

MADDOX: Aw hell no.

BRAD: Come on, guys. Don’t fight. Not in front of the paps, anyway. We’re going to see some architecture in Venice today, remember? And you love architecture.

PAX: What’s “architecture”?

MADDOX: Oh please. We do not love architecture. What’s so great about looking at old, crumbly buildings? I want to shoot off some guns. Is there a gun range in Venice?

PAX: What’s a “gun”?

MADDOX: Jesus. I’m surrounded by idiots.

BRAD: True, but we’re gorgeous idiots. Would you be happier growing up in a family of ugly, unfamous geniuses?

MADDOX: Hmmm. Okay, good point. Not bad for an idiot.

BRAD: Yesss! So maybe you are a chip off the old block, huh?

MADDOX: Don’t push it.

Source

Filed under: Adoption is the New Black, Brad Pitt, Hair Streaks, Hardass Asian Siblings, Idiots, Imitasian, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Mohawks, Pax Thien, Sibling Rivalry, The Venice Film Festival

BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Part Deux, Le Deux De Mars

March 2nd will mark the very important birthdays of Jen’s Dad (who I’ve got on the brain, bought Jen her first car–an import, and is responsible for her being a bad-ass softball slugger at a mere 40 lbs.), my sister Anh (who beat me up for sixteen years until I realized I was taller than her and even now, when I fall during motocross, yells things like, “Goddammit, you almost flooded the gas tank! Oh, also, are you ok?”)…

…and US! HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY TO DISGRASIAN! I guess you aren’t really supposed to wish yourself a happy day, so we’re so glad our best friend (who is also, technically, one year old) did it for us:

Thank you, Eli! We love you. <3.

Filed under: Being One, Cute Things, Hardass Asian Parents, Hardass Asian Siblings, It's My Birthday Too, Motocross, We Love Ben Lenna and Eli