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UC San Diego student Daniel Chong–no relation to Tommy–was just trying to celebrate 4/20 with his bros when the DEA raided the house he was partying in. Things got exponentially worse for Chong after that when he was accidentally left in a DEA holding cell for five days without food, water, or access to a toilet. (Curiously though, there happened to be some meth in the cell, which Chong took, presumably out of desperation and/or a desire to make Neil Patrick Harris magically appear on a unicorn bearing a platter of White Castle burgers.) The 23 year-old had to drink his own urine to survive, and spent five days in the hospital after he was discovered, on the verge of kidney failure.
But that was nothing, I’m guessing, compared to what Chong’s Hardass Asian Mother did to him next, when she found out her son was “doing the drug.”
Filed under: 4:20, Daniel Chong, Drinking Urine, Drug Enforcement Agency, Drugs, Hardass Asian Parents, Harold & Kumar, Smoking Weed, Stoner Movies, Student Left Unattended for 5 Days by DEA, The War on Drugs, Tommy Chong, We're Clearly Winning The War on Drugs, Wrong Place Wrong Time
I’ve kinda hated every new incarnation of Shit [Fill-In-The-Blank] People Say with greater intensity until I saw this video. Maybe it’s cuz Asian Moms are funnier than the rest of us. But this right here is TRUTH:
“NO SHAKY LEG!!!” reminds me of the time my cousin, when she was 7 years old, told me her HAM told her that shaking your leg at the table meant you were a slut. Or, in the words of this vid, someone who goes out “every day tryna have the sex.”
Filed under: Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Memes, Shit Asian Girls Say, Shit Asian Moms Say, Shit Girls Say, Shit Girls Say Meme, Shit People Say Meme, The Sex, Viral Videos
This will inspire eyerolls from those with meme fatigue but, you know, I just had to.
Here’s a full-length shot:
Filed under: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Grrrrr, Halloween, Halloween Costumes, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Holidays, Memes That Won't Die, Tiger Mom, Tiger Mom Costume, Tiger Mother, Trick Or Treat, Ungrateful Children
Forget Tiger Moms. Growing up, it was my Hardass Asian Dad who was the scary one with all of the obscure rules. No comedies. No cheerleading. No shirts down to there or skirts up to here. Math workbooks and book reports over the summer. Scientific American as required reading–in the 3rd grade. Awkward hugs, if you were lucky, but mostly firm patting on the shoulder and back to show affection.
He could cut you with a look. He could give you the silent treatment for days, weeks even.
And yet, over time, he’s the one who’s gone soft. He’s the one who sends the corny e-cards. He’s the one who cries when my parents watch Korean soap operas together while my Mom gently pokes fun at him. He’s the one who melts at the sight of babies. Even as I write this, he’s downstairs in my house having a Downton Abbey viewing marathon, I shit you not.
Who knew that my Hardass Asian Dad would become this guy?
Cuddly, gentle, hooked on Masterpiece Classics.
The hugs, though, they’re still awkward, so at least I know aliens didn’t snatch his body.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad, you Hardass-Turned-Softie! And to all of you other daddies out there–hardass or no!
Like my Dad’s shirt? It’s from the brilliant and talented Martin Hsu. Buy it HERE.
Hey look! It’s the mini-me versions of us…
…if we’d been raised in some fucked-up alternate universe where there are no rules, grades, or words like “unacceptable,” “disown,” and “failure”; no forced violin and piano lessons; no math workbooks during summer vacation; no aspirations for NASA or the Nobel; no Hardass Asian Dads forbidding hot pants, high-heeled boots, and hooker poses; no Hardass Asian Moms screaming at us about looking cheap, about how “low-class” tanning is and how make-up prematurely ages your skin not to mention how all this correlates–somehow, don’t ask–with poorer test scores, lower income, and an overall decrease in college, marriage, and life prospects, really.
[via I Hate My Parents]
Filed under: Creepy, FAIL, Failure, Hardass Asian Dads, Hardass Asian Fathers, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parenting, Hardass Asian Parents, Object Lessons, Paging Tiger Mom, Parenting FAIL, Pedobait, Raised by Wolves, Softass Asian Parents, Thank God for Our Hardass Asian Parents, Underachievers
Last week on Sean Hannity’s show, Newt Gingrich made an exciting campaign promise:
“I know how to get the whole country to resemble Texas.”
Which is an interesting idea, to say the least. After all, there are lots of things I love that are from Texas:
- Jen’s parents
- Dr. Pepper
- BBQ sauce
- The Black Angels, Spoon, Toadies, Butthole Surfers, Buck Owens
- Frito pie
- The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (Why not?)
- The NASA Johnson Space Center
- The “Don’t Mess With Texas” Campaign
But unless we’re talking about a nation made up of millions of chicly-dressed, too-smart blogger friends and their lovely Hardass Asian Parents, swilling Dr. P while dousing Frito pie with kay-so and some BBQ sauce, blasting The Black Angels on eleven, picking up litter, all the while doing high kicks in white short-shorts in celebration of a new NASA mission… I’m not sure I’m ready for a whole country run like The Lone Star state. And I have a feeling that Newt isn’t really promising what I listed (except maybe the short-shorts).
But let us not discount the achievements of Texas. After all, thanks to its stellar governance, Texas has become nationally ranked in multiple areas that concern public life, education, and health.
According to PFAW’s Right Wing Watch blog, Texas ranks:
50th in percentage of population without health insurance (2010)50th in percentage of children insured (2009)50th in percentage of women receiving early prenatal care (2010)45th in rate of infectious diseases (2010)44th in percentage of children in poverty (2010)42nd in per capita health care funding (2010)40th in overall health (2010)36th in high school graduation rate (2010)35th in crime (2010)35th in percentage of children immunized (2010)34th in rate of occupational fatalities (2010)30th in percentage of people with college degree (2008)
Texas also ranks: Continue reading “Don’t Mess With America” Does Roll Off The Tongue
I got my mom a nice flower arrangement for Mother’s Day this year, but I didn’t get it together until the last minute, so I paid through the nose for it. I didn’t FTD that shit either–not that I’m judging if you did–because, to me, their arrangements all look like hospital flowers. (Also, I am stupid and like doing things the hard way.) So I found a florist in a fancy schmancy part of Houston who 1) actually picked up the phone late Saturday and 2) would deliver to where my parents live in the middle of nowhere. I also specified that peonies be in the arrangement, because roses are so boring. The delivery to BFN was almost half the cost of the arrangement, and they charged me extra for the peonies, because non-boring flowers don’t come cheap, apparently. Like I said, I like doing things the hard way.
But who cares? It was Mother’s Day. And I love my mama, and she loves flowers.
And sure enough, when she received them, she immediately sent me an email to let me know how much she liked them. The subject heading was “Flower of Love” (cue the Huey Lewis song if you’re old like me):
She got them on time! And they were beautiful! And I was thrilled that my mother could feel loved and celebrated without a worry in the world on her special day, which is how all mothers should feel on Mother’s Day.
But clearly, I underestimated my Hardass Asian Mom. Here’s what followed in her email:
Filed under: Asians Love Discounts, Gift Giving, Gift ideas, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mother's Day, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Holidays, Mother's Day, Mother's Day Gifts, Sending Flowers, Tiger Mother's Day, Tough Love
What are we all doin’ tomorrow night? A little birdie tells me that Kobe’s having a par-tay!
And it sure ain’t to celebrate his Lakers’ mortifying loss on Wednesday to the Cleveland Cavs.
Rather, tomorrow the 5-time NBA champ, 2-time NBA Finals MVP, Olympic Gold Medalist and DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer will receive an honor that no other athlete has ever received: cement prints in front of Hollywood’s Grauman’s Chinese Theater.
And before you any of you start grossing me out by wondering aloud how big those hand and footprints are (seriously, BLEGH) please allow me to direct our attention back to the far more important headline: THERE’S GONNA BE A RAGER! You too can attend, if you have $350 to $4,000 to spend on an evening in sorta-proximity to basketball’s most talented douchetool.
According to TMZ, this over-the-top, “Asian-themed” bash is not one to miss.
The party is supposed to be INSANE — with organizers dropping roughly $50,000 to give Boulevard 3 nightclub an Asian-themed makeover in honor of Kobe enshrining his hands and feet at Grauman’s Chinese Theater earlier that day. … including a 15-foot custom made dragon.
A CUSTOM MADE DRAGON! Pish. If we had 50 Gs to spend on an “Asian theme,” you bet your ass we wouldn’t party without:
- Pai Gow poker
- Crab legs
- A “Math Bar.” What’s your pleasure: Multiplication, division, addition, subtraction, exponents, integers? You pick! Continue reading If You Aren’t Going To Be An NBA Champ This Year, You May As Well Throw A Sweet Party
Filed under: "Asian Themes", All-Star Weekend, Asians Love Gambling, Boulevard 3, Cleveland Cavaliers, Disgragers, firsts, Hardass Asian Parents, Hollywood, Huh?, Idiotic LA Events, Kobe Bryant, Kobe Bryant Gets Cement Prints At Hollywood's Grauman's Chinese Theater, Kobe Bryant Handprints, LA Lakers, Laker Hate, NBA, Say buh-bye to that big gold ball
Name: Annie Leung
Occupation: Pro Gamer
Hails from: Orange County, CA
Why She’s A Babe: She’s got all the AZN cred to make your parents happy–born and raised in SoCal, a background in piano, a degree from Cal, and, la-dee-dah, a Guinness World Record. Incredibly, Leung realized the dream that Jen and I have always shared–a world record in Guitar Hero playing–by scoring 789,349 points playing Dragonforce’s “Through The Fire And Flames” on Expert (right now, I am totally typing between heaving sobs).
Yes, her gamer handle, “Ecstasy,” sounds suspiciously like a stripper name. And for sure, we might need to have a little talk about those hooker boots (Gurrl!) that seem to find their way to Leung’s GH competitions. And I feel like we could help her out a little in the “stage presence” department (If you don’t bleed, it ain’t rock!).
But damn, y’all. Betch is HOT. And her fingers move so fast!
Filed under: Annie "Ecstasy" Leung, Annie Leung, Dragonforce "Through The Fire And Flames", Dreams From My Partner, Guinness Book of World Records, Guitar Hero, Guitar Hero 3, Guitar Heroines, Hardass Asian Parents, Hooker Boots, Stripper Names, UC Berkeley, World Records
A new TIME article comments on the recent boom of an unlikely literary genre: Amish romance novels.
With books that tug on heart and bonnet strings and tales characterized by “humility, plainness and no sex,” G-rated authors like Beverly Lewis (see her latest, The Secret, at right), Cindy Woodsmall and Wanda Brunstetter have quickly risen to the rank of bestseller–without so much as showing a little bit of leg.
Perhaps in a society like ours–one that has fallen south into a hole so shameless, explicit and oversexed that we recognize our pop stars by tampon string and teen moms write “abstinence advocate” on the occupation line of their tax forms–the only thing left to taboo is modesty.
This idea sends me into a small fit of inspiration. Maybe there’s room in this playing field for another new kid in town–the Repectful Asian romance novel!!! Could there be something to the kind of love that my Hardass Asian Mama always tells me about? The kind I’ve always assumed is simply too, er, storybook to actually exist in real life but clearly may make for a captivating literary tale?
You know it goes:
Girl studies hard. Boy studies hard. Girl concentrates on school, learns piano and violin very well, no room for boys. Boy and girl respect parents. Boy and Girl meet at school and do not talk because they are busy studying. She would think he is very handsome, but does not think about boys in order to concentrate on her studies. Boy and Girl finish school at the top of their respective classes and go on to become doctors. One day, after the last day of residency, Boy–now Man, walks over to Girl–now Woman. He says, “I have never met a woman with a family so honorable. And you do not want to become an old maid.” She giggles from beneath her surgical mask. In a true climax, they arrange a meeting with both sets of parents to discuss a proper marriage that honors both lineages. They also promise to have many sons that will bring honor to the family.
Oh, romance! DO WE HAVE A BEST-SELLER OR WHAT? I THINK SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Filed under: Amish Romance Novels, Books, Concentrating On Studies, Hardass Asian Parents, Honor, Literary genres, Respect, Romance, Romance novels, Sexlessness, Shamelessness, Taboo, Tampon strings, TIME magazine, Trends
Three years ago, when Diana and I were kicking around book ideas, there was one that rose to the top for us, one we thought was pure gold. Its working title was: “How to Raise a Child Prodigy.” Although neither of us were prodigies–a fact that filled us both with regret–and neither of us were parents yet, we felt qualified to write the book anyway, because we were products of Hardass Asian Parenting, which was no different, in our minds, from Prodigy Parenting (see: the long, ever-expanding list of Asian prodigies). Plus, we imagined the book as a way to talk about what it’s like to be Asian American without getting heavy, a way to laugh at ourselves, something honest but still tongue-in-cheek. Of course there would be some non-Asians, aspirational parents in particular, who would buy the book for parenting tips and take it seriously…suckas!
Only we never wrote it. We started it as a blog, set to private, but didn’t get beyond a couple of entries. In hindsight, our lack of follow-through shines a light on two rather important details: 1) why we weren’t prodigies in the first place and 2) why we weren’t qualified at all to write the book. During that time, we did manage to bang out a long list of child-rearing ideas, ideas we’d been exposed to personally that we planned to explore in our little parenting guide. A selection of those ideas appears below, from a document dated March 2008:
Filed under: Amy Chua, Amy Chua Tiger Mother, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Books, Chinese Mothers, Chinese Parenting, Failed Prodigies, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parenting, Hardass Asian Parents, Memoirs, Mothers and Daughters, Parenting Books, Parents, Polarizing Figures, Prodigies, Tiger Mothers, Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior, Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior Wall Street Journal
Name: Ada Wong
Occupation: Tech Project Coordinator
Hails from: Bay Area
Why She’s A Babe: Wong is one of four contestants seeking the ultimate prize in The Biggest Loser finale tonight, and although her scores don’t have her sitting safe on top, the love of viewers may garner her a spot on the winners’ podium. But going the distance in this big competition isn’t all that makes her babealicious–nor her pretty face, which you see in the photo above.
Wong is by far one of the most fascinating, enduring, and–by all TV evidence–legit women ever to face an NBC reality gauntlet. Amidst her quest for lasting and meaningful weight loss, viewers have been treated to a strong work ethic, gentle heart, and something else we aren’t quite used to: honesty. Few people would be willing to access their most vulnerable spots–a lifelong weight struggle, the tragic childhood death of a brother, the burden of her parents’ blame for the loss, her father’s emotional deafness–in front of an often-cruel, millions-large American audience. But she did, and those of us Continue reading BABEWATCH: The Biggest Loser Finalist Ada Wong