DISGRASIAN™

Somebody’s Already Sounding Like A Hardass Asian Padmama

The first photo of Padma Lakshmi’s 3 week-old daughter, Krishna Thea–taken while mother and child were hangin’ on a park bench in NYC–has been revealed on Celebrity Baby Blog.

Celebrity Baby Blog also reports that Padma has said she’d be “delighted” if her daughter became a chef, “as long as she was a good one.”

Hear that, little baby Krishna? NO PRESSURE.

[Celebrity Baby Blog: Meet Krishna Thea Lakshmi!]

Filed under: Desis, Hardass Asian Expectations, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Hot Moms, Indian-Americans, Krishna Thea Lakshmi, MILFs, No Pressure, Padma Lakshmi, Padma Lakshmi Daughter, Top Chef

HONORASIAN ALERT: Joannie Rochette

Thursday night, were there two Asians on the women’s figure skating medal podium…or three?

There was gold medal winner Kim Yu-na of South Korea, who skated perfectly, set a new scoring record, and was, according to the NY Times, “taken aback by her own crying” at the end of her performance; and there was silver medal winner Mao Asada of Japan, who failed to nail two of her jumps, looked stoically sad about being the first loser during the medal ceremony, and later described herself as “regretful”…and then there was Canada’s Joannie Rochette, who stayed in the competition and won the bronze only four days after her mother’s sudden death from a heart attack, who, after the competition, recounted how her mother was sometimes her biggest critic, how when Joannie would score a 98 on a test, she’d wonder, “What about those other two points?”

So let’s see…

We had perfection and an unexpected display of emotion, stoicism and regret, and memories of a Hardass Mama willing her child to succeed?

Sounds like an Asian sweep to me!

[CNN: Rochette earns bronze, thanks her late mother]

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Filed under: 2010 Winter Olympics, Asians and Figure Skating, Figure Skating, First Loser, Hardass Asian Parents, Hardass Parents of All Colors, Joannie Rochette, Kim Yu-na, Mao Asada, Mirai Nagasu, Perfection, Queen Yu-na, Regret, Vancouver Olympics, Winter Olympics, Women's Figure Skating

AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Cho Seung-jin, Piano Prodigy

Everybody Loves A Youngest-Ever Winner

Jen and I not particularly well-versed in the goings-on of the International piano competition community (Sorry, Moms), so we hadn’t heard of the Hamamatsu International Piano Competition–a prestigious classical piano showdown that occurs every three years in Hamamatsu, Shizuoka, Japan–until we read about its newly-anounted champion today.

South Korea’s Cho Seung-jin took first prize in the 7th Annual competition, a two-week affair that culminated today, making him the first-ever Asian person to nab the top honor (All winners since the contest’s 1991 inception have been European) of the Asia-based tournament.

OH. He’s also 15.

So he’s the youngest-ever winner of the competition. And our Hardass Asian Parents’ wet dream.

Cho typically practices piano for three to four hours a day (six during heavy competition), and what we love about him is that he seems to be both a consummate professional and fun, dreamy, adorably innocent kid.

The Korea Times pulled this excerpt from the judges’ interpretation of his second-round performance, depicting the nuance and wisdom of a veteran:

Continue reading AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Cho Seung-jin, Piano Prodigy

Filed under: Cho Seung-Jin, Everybody Loves a Winner, Exceptional Young People, First Asian, Hamamatsu International Piano Competition, Hardass Asian Parents, Japan, Music, Musical Geniuses, Piano, Piano Lessons Are Required, Prodigies, Teen Wonders, Youngest-Ever

Mom Is Scary For Terry On Tool Academy 2

I apologize, guys. I’m still watching Tool Academy 2 because the Reality TV Gods ignored my prayer, and that gross bastard Terry wasn’t cut when I asked. In fact, he somehow made the top 3.

But look, I don’t always need to get what I want. Who cares about elminasian when Asian parents might get involved? Just knowing that Terry would ultimately have to confront his cheating demons in front of Kate–Nicole’s awesome, loving-and-cool-yet-obviously-not-without-a-Hardass-laser-beam-glare mom–was enough to make me squeal like a pig with glee this VH1 week.

Watch Terry’s moment of truth (seated in therapy: Terry’s parents on his right, and Nicole’s baby bro and mom on her left) below:







It’s kind of the worst possible thing to imagine, right?  Reality camera crews and the eventual eyes of the nation might seem kind of non-judgmental when you’re knee deep in filming, I’m sure. But–whether cameras are on or off–nothing’s more shameful than saying that you can’t tame your dick in front of PARENTS. Especially parents that think you’re a JERK.

So you’d think in a moment so mortifying, Terry could have mustered a more realistic “I’m sorry,” right? Me too. But…nah.

[VH1: Family Weekend At Tool Academy]

Filed under: Awesome Mothers, Bastards, Cheating, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Parents, Moms, Reality TV, Shameful Behavior, Terry and Nicole, Therapy, Tool Academy, Tool Academy 2, Vh1, Ways to Not Look Sorry

Happy Hardass Asian Birthday

Welp, today is my birthday. And to celebrate, my friend sent me this adorable video of a kid taking an avant-garde approach to singing the “Happy Birthday” song: a little feedback, a little beatboxing, a little more feedback, a little freestyling, a little sampling (“Old MacDonald”), some rhythmic laughter.

It’s so damn cute. So damn cute. But um, does anybody else hear his Vietnamese dad giving him the full-on shutdown? No feedback! No giggling! Stop messing around and sing the song professionally, like a respectable baby!

That seems a little Hardass for a birthday present, even coming from one of Us…

Thanks, jRu!

Filed under: Amazian Jr., Asian Kids, Awesome Gifts, Beatboxing, Birthday Presents, Birthdays, Cuteness, Hardass Asian Parents

Somebody, Please Teach Lohan The Look Of Shame

In my most shameful of moments, I once received a boot on my car.

Not my boot. Or my car. But you get the picture.

And, okay, it wasn’t that long ago.

Fine, FINE. I deserved it. I’d racked up about five parking tickets in one month, and each little slip quickly got lost somewhere in my junk mail, or my trunk, or my purse–every one of them crispy with dried coffee stains and dirty from, ah, me stamping them with fury into the ground. Out of sight, out of my busy muthafuckin’ mind! I kinda assumed that the parking gods would just take care of it and I wouldn’t have to pony up $160 overdue bucks a pop.

Wrongo! They didn’t. So one day, I got the boot.

Now here’s the thing. I’m troublesome, but I never get in trouble–and certainly, not with the LAW. This was the worst moment of my life. I felt like a criminal. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle the situation. Was this going on my permanent record? Would I have to pay my fines or face jail? Do they flog you when they return to remove the boot? Why was it so ORANGE? Where was my lawyer? Was I a bad person now?

And my gosh, the large orange mark of shame somehow negated all of the coolness of my slick black car paint and rad Steelers license plate frame! ACK!

Most importantly: WOULD THE TERRIBLE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BOOT TELL MY PARENTS (who I haven’t lived with since age 17)?!??!

I called the number, my heart racing. The mean old lady on the phone told me come down to some super-secret government/law/prison/clerical (it all sounds the same to me) office, where I would meet my reckoning.

Immediately, I raced to my closet, trying to imagine the outfit that would best convey my a) intense, due shame b) willingness to turn my life around c) overall good citizenship and d) inability (okay, lack of desire) to pay the fines in full. After much deliberation, I landed on a modest, sensible, not-too-luxe getup that screamed “I’m a non-profit librarian and devoted disadvantaged youth volunteer!”

I showed up at the office–which turned out to be administrative, with no armed guards flanking the entrance. I took a number, walked up to the window, gave her a bunch of money. The (different) mean lady at the window informed me that the boot would soon be taken off, and I was all set–I would not be arrested or even given a talking-to by the police. Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the orange boot of shame was gone–like a whisper in the wind.

I can’t help but think that dressing the part, showing how ashamed I was for being bad, kinda stood for something. Sure, the responsible garb didn’t garner any discount from The Man that day, nor did it save me from a ritual beating (shockingly, people don’t get beaten over parking tickets–although maybe they should?), but it did tacitly express deep remorse for my wrongdoings when I walked into the building. That counts, somehow. At a certain point, we’ve got to just tuck our tail between our legs, bow our heads, and admit that we’ve done something wrong. We’re not loud and proud and wrong, we’re just wrong. That makes it, y’know, better.

Perhaps this is why, when I eyed Lindsay Lohan’s “look” for her court appearance last week (to discuss violation of her probation), I was taken aback.

Who appears before a judge looking like…

…a cracked out, greasy-haired…

…Atlantic City…

…gremlin?

Moreover, a not sorry one?

Fortunately, for Lindsay, celebrities don’t have to be sorry. We’ll still keep “rooting for them” and extending their probation.

[Reuters: Judge Extends Probation For Lindsay Lohan]

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Filed under: Annoying Things Celebrities Do, Being Wrong, Beyond Shame, Grandmas, Gremlin Grip, Hardass Asian Parents, Law Breaking Doesn't Pay, Lindsay Lohan, Shameful Behavior, The Man, Ways to Not Look Sorry

Who Says You Have To Be Asian To Be A Hardass Asian Parent?

We talk about our Hardass Asian Parents a lot, and the ways in which they, um, pushed us to succeed molded us into perfectionists put us into therapy for life raised us, but the truth is, you don’t have to be Asian to be a Hardass Asian Parent. Take, for example, Ben Morrison.

Morrison, a web developer, created an iPhone app called Langu, because he and his wife adopted a daughter from Taiwan, and they wanted her to grow up fluent in both Mandarin and English. Cute, right?

But wait. There’s more. In addition to the app, Morrison told Wired’s GeekDad that he also uses these tools to help his daughter learn what would’ve been her native tongue:

We do our best to expose her to many different channels of learning the language, like Mandarin immersion preschool, Chinese picture books, even bootleg “Dora the Explorer” translated into Chinese.

Mandarin immersion preschool AND Chinese picture books AND bootleg “Dora the Explorer” videos translated into Chinese AND you write your own iPhone language app for toddlers that features a “Quiz” mode?!

GeekDad writer Jonathan Liu’s 3 year-old trying out Langu

Not content to sit on his laurels (or let his daughter sit on hers, either), Morrison has other educational iPhone apps in the works:

I’ve been kicking around some ideas for other iPhone apps, most of them center around something I want Violet to learn… probably reading or math next. And of course, if Langu’s well received, I’d like to make more versions… I’d want to tackle Arabic or Hindi next—I like typography, and am easily excited by non-Latin characters.

Good lord, this guy makes my own Hardass Asian Dad, who used to make me go to Chinese school occasionally, do math workbooks over summer vacation, and write up reports on what I’d read in Scientific American, look downright soft.

Hardass Parents of All Stripes: The Langu Mandarin iPhone app is available here.

[GeekDad: Langu Teaches Your Toddler to Be Bilingual (or More)]

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Filed under: Adoption, Apple Products, Chinese School, Hardass Asian Dads, Hardass Asian Parents, Hardass Parents of All Colors, iPhone Apps, Learning Chinese, Mandarin Speakers

Barack Obama Tells Students Failure Is ‘Okay,’ Gives Several Hardass Asian Parents a Collective Heart Attack

Dear President Obama,

Where in the world were you when I was growing up? Why weren’t you speaking to me in school, telling me that lots of successful people experience failure, instead of saying, “If you are not the very best, then you are a total failure; if you are a failure, you are dead to us,” like my parents? Couldn’t you have taken them aside at some point and been like, “Hey, your daughter seems pretty smart and very enthusiastic about taking her life in a unique direction that will no doubt be successful. But sometimes, she’ll slip a little on the way. Try not to go too hard on her for that A minus or decision to be an English major. Eventually she’ll have the ability to write about you in a blog that’s accessible from all over the world, and don’t you want those words to be nice? Just a little advice.”

“BEING SUCCESSFUL IS HARD?” Why didn’t I hear this years ago? This sentence alone could have saved me about 3,496 tears and hours of therapy. For crying out loud, don’t you think I could’ve used this little pep talk a couple of decades ago, sir? Hell, I could have used this pep talk LAST WEEK. Sigh.

Lastly, what’s up with the “that’s okay” phrase you used with the kids today? What does that mean? Who says that? I heard “that’s okay” when I brought home a 4.0 GPA instead of an 4.3 and asked, “Isn’t that good?” And when I offered my parents tickets to see me perform in my junior high musical (“Eh, that’s okay”). But acknowledging that a kid might fuck up a couple times in their life and saying it’s “okay?” That I just don’t understand.

Anyway, that’s it for now. Talk to you soon!

xoxo
Diana

[HuffPo: Obama School Speech - Full Video]

Source: CNN

Filed under: "That's Okay?" Seriously?, Failure, Hardass Asian Parents, Hardly Brainwashing, President Barack Obama, President Obama Talks to Students, Speeches, Students

Sam Yoon for Mayor of Boston!

Boston City Councilman Sam Yoon is currently running for mayor. A Democrat who was born in Seoul, moved to the U.S. at 10 months old, and became a citizen at 10 years old, Sam is the first Asian-American to hold elected office in Boston. Bear in mind that Boston is one of America’s oldest cities, almost 379 years old. To be the first Asian-American elected official in the city’s storied 379 year-history is nothing short of amazian.

We sat down recently for a Q & A with Sam about his campaign. We not only learned of his stellar qualifications–Princeton undergrad, Harvard grad, community organizing–we also discovered something completely unexpected about the 39 year-old politician. As they’d say in Boston, Sam is wicked funny.

Over email, we discussed some of DISGRASIAN’s favorite topics: Hardass Asian Parents, math, advanced degrees, hot dogs, and, of course, the Boston Red Sox.

Why did you decide to get into politics?

Because it was the one career choice that would completely befuddle my parents.

When you decided to pursue a career in politics, did your Asian parents try to convince you to go to law school instead? Were they worried you wouldn’t make enough money as a public servant?

After my parents paid for a very expensive college education at Princeton, I became a teacher. After my brother graduated from Yale, he pursued ministry. We were going into the two lowest-paid professions. My parents got used to it.

You taught math in New Jersey public schools after graduating Princeton. Are you good at math? Are you good at math because you’re Asian?

All of the above. I’m a proud Asian math geek.

So studious! So Asian!

How many musical instruments were you forced to play as a child?

Two: piano, then the flute. My immigrant parents didn’t know how much cooler it would have been had they chosen the saxophone. Or trumpet.

We understand your wife Tina has a doctorate in biology from MIT. Do you ever call her Dr. Yoon?

Because she got her graduate degree from MIT and mine’s only from Harvard, of course she makes me call her Dr. Yoon. Truthfully, sometimes we get wedding invitations addressed to “Mr. and Dr. Yoon.” Which isn’t humiliating at all. Really.

When people say, “An Asian-American mayor of Boston? Really? I never really pictured that,” what do you say?

I don’t blame you. Look at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_mayors_of_Boston

But then try scrolling down this list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Us_presidents

Sam finds another Asian at the St. Patty’s Day parade! w00t!

What issues will you focus on as mayor of Boston?

Check out my website samyoon.com and while you’re there please donate $500.

The Bruins went to the Conference Semis this year. The Celts won the NBA Finals in 2008. The Sox won the World Series in 2007 and 2004. And the Pats have won three Super Bowls this decade. What’s in the water in Boston these days that’s making its sports franchises so great?

Steroids, obviously. I’m looking into whether or not this is legal.

If you could play any position on the Red Sox team, what would it be?

Pitcher, because I’m sure any Korean could be at least as good as the three Japanese pitchers we have already. Not that there’s any rivalry between Koreans and Japanese or anything.

If you were a Red Sox player, what would be your at-bat song?

“Mr. Roboto” by Styx.

How fast is your fastball?

Faster than Dice-K’s these days. [Ouch! But true. Sigh.--Ed.]

What’s your favorite food at Fenway?

Truth be told, I’m a huge hot dog fan; the Monster Dogs are good.

Hypothetical scenario: You have the choice of saving either a Yankee player or your political opponent from a burning house. What do you do?

Save my political opponent, because I want to beat him.

Reaching new Orient Heights, indeed!

[Sam Yoon for Mayor]

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Filed under: Beantown, Boston Politics, Boston Red Sox, Fenway Park, firsts, Hardass Asian Parents, Korean-Americans, Politasians, Sam Yoon, Sam Yoon for Mayor of Boston, Tina Yoon

The Difference Between Being a Hardass Parent and a C U Next Tuesday

Conversation that took place recently between me and my Hardass Asian Mama:

HAM: You know, there is another side to this Hardass Asian Parent thing.

ME: (all ears) Yeah?

HAM: I mean, yes, there are Hardass Asian Parents, but there are also Hardass Asian…Children. And Hardass Asian Children can be as bad as the parents. They can be just as critical and show disapproval, and don’t you think we’re afraid of that, too?

ME: (LMFAO) Uh, and where do you think we learned that from?!

I can’t say for sure, because I’m not yet a parent, but I am of the general belief that, if your kid’s a cunt, you’re a cunt. Sure, there are random cunts that can’t be accounted for, but usually, you can trace cunty behavior back to a Cunty Dearest. I thought of this yesterday when I read that Candy Spelling recently blamed the death of her husband and TV legend, Aaron Spelling, on their daughter Tori, in a radio interview. Aaron Spelling, who passed away in 2006 at age 83, was diagnosed with oral cancer in 2001 and suffered a stroke right before he died.

I’m no fan of Tori (although I couldn’t help watching every episode of her VH1 sitcom, So NoTORIous, a few years back, for some reason). Donna Martin was a drip. And Tori’s career is the product of the most egregious kind of nepotism. I’ll never understand, either, why all the money in the world can’t straighten that nose job or plug up that bizarre keyhole she has between her fake breasteses.

But publicly saying that her not speaking to her father is “what killed (him)”? That’s not Hardass. That’s not even possible. That’s just being a bad fucking parent.

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Filed under: 90210, Aaron Spelling, Candy Spelling, Candy Spelling Blames Tori for Aaron's Death, Cunts, Fake Tits, Hardass Asian Children, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Parents, Tori Spelling

An Open Letter to Our Asian Homies

Dear Homies,

Not to sound like your Hardass Asian Parents, but we’re really disappointed in you. Okay, correction. We’re really disappointed in us. Last week, the AP reported, much to our alarm, that the Asian-American population has slowed unexpectedly (the Latino population, too). What that means, friends, is that our children will not be making round-eye jokes on the playground (“Why are your eyes so big? Can you actually see out of them?”) or bullying white kids for sucking at math and the violin and for not wearing thick glasses or because their houses smell “funny” (i.e. not like soy sauce, funky herbs, and Tiger Balm), and it will still not be cool to be smart in the year 2023, as projected. And dude, that blows. There’s no way we’re going to take over everything if our numbers keep shrinking! So let’s stop fuckin’ around here, people, and start fuckin’ without condoms, okay?*

with abject concern,

DISGRASIAN

*DISCLAIMER: This advice should not be heeded by teenagers, students with outstanding college loans and no job prospects, hipsters, hipster grifters, assholes, drips, people lacking in charisma, dumb people, lovers of emo, children-haters, people lacking “indoor voices,” Michelle Malkin, or mimes.

[AP: Growth of Hispanic, Asian Population Slows Unexpectedly, Census Reports]

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Filed under: Asian-American Population Shrinking, Bullying, Fear of a Yellow Planet, Hardass Asian Parents, Latino Population Shrinking, Reverse Racism, Round Eye Jokes, We're Taking Over Everything

Pretty Sh*tty Curriculum

A Yakima, WA kindergarten teacher responded to her five-year old student’s pooping-in-the-room accident the easy way: by wrapping up the droppings in a towel, sealing them in a ziplock bag, and placing them in the kid’s backpack along with his soiled clothes. Oh, and she wrote a note:

Listen, from what’s been reported, it seems like the kid was having some potty-training issues that the parents were well aware of. It’s understandable that the teacher, after dealing with, y’know, shit on her classroom floor, was pretty fed up and felt a good ol’ dose of shame would be just the power punch to rectify the developmental issue.

But even I, product of Hardass Asian Parenting–and someone who, uh, secretly hopes my kids aren’t B students because then I’ll have to actually work hard to convince myself to love them–thinks that shame isn’t always the answer.

And this shit is, perhaps, just a bit too much.

[Komo News: Teacher Sends Boy, 5, Home With Bag of Poo]

Filed under: B Students, Bad Teaching, disgusting, Fucked Up Shit, Hardass Asian Parents, Inappropriate Behavior, Kindergarten, People Are Horrid, Perhaps This Lady Should Consider A Change in Profession, Poop