DISGRASIAN™

Understanding Lisette Lee, The Week’s Most Fascinating Drug Mule

A 28-year-old California woman named Lisette Lee was busted by the feds after her chartered plane from LA landed in Columbus, Ohio this week–with over 13 suitcases of marijuana on it.

Should she be convicted, Lee could see 40 years in prison and up to $2 million in fines.

News organizations and expert sleuths like Gawker are already having a bonanza as they dig up everything relevant (and irrelevant, but wonderfully ridiculous) there is to know about this mysterious woman, who amazingly was able to keep her fake eyelashes on throughout her arrest and night in the clink, and might have more identities than Britney.

Highlights of what we currently know about Lee:

• potentially an actress/model/recording artist/whatever (Ed. note–that might just be a reeeeeally bad mugshot)
• was arrested with 3 cell phones, blow, weed, and drug deal ledgers in her bag
• claims to be an heiress related to Samsung’s “Lee” family of Korea; they deny the relationship (although this is by no means an ironclad denial. It’s no secret that Hardass Asian Families will disavow you for like, failing a test. My HAPs would deny knowing me if I got a ticket for rolling past a stop sign.)
• loooooooves eyeliner. Like LOOOOOOOOVES it.
• seems all kinds of crazy (warranting comparisons to Tila Tequila)
• seems to have a gift for embellishment (warranting comparisons to the Hipster Grifter)
• has also been named in event photographs with the surname Morita (unnecessarily dragging Pat’s name into this mess)
• apparently has a boyfriend in Columbus that she can’t or won’t name
• organized this fourth drug run to Columbus for a “friend” who doled out $60k per trip (that’s the total budget for all other players involved, by the way, not her personal fee)
• apparently willing to break federal law for measly tens of thousands, not realizing that a nice managerial job at Starbucks would have also provided her with benefits
• currently sitting in jail awaiting a bond hearing that will take place tomorrow at 10am. It was postponed from today to allow Lee’s family time to travel to Columbus (this will NOT be pretty)

Sooooo much information! But I’ve still got one really, really important question: Where the fuzz is that 506 lbs. of ganj going?

[via Gawker]
[AP: Feds - Woman Took 506 Pounds Of Pot To Ohio On Jet]

Source
Thanks, Jasmine!

Filed under: Charter Planes, Cocaine, Columbus Ohio, Criminals, DEA, Drug Busts, Fake Eyelashes, False Eyelashes, Ganja, Gawker, Hardass Asian Families, Hardass Asian Parents, Jail, Lisette Lee, Lisette Lee Morita, Marijuana, Model Actress Whatever, Mug Shots, Pat Morita, Samsung, Samsung Lee Family, Smuggled Goods, Starbucks, The Kind Of Wacky Incidents We'll Miss When Marijuana Is Legalized, Tranny Makeup

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Liveblogging The Karate Kid Remake With Jen’s Hardass Asian Mama

Any use of inappropriate cultural terms or conflation with the original movie is entirely intentional:

The Karate Kid (Jaden Smith) and his Mom (Taraji Henson) are leaving Detroit. Lest you think this is a single black mom/deadbeat dad scenario, we’re told upfront that the Karate Kid’s Dad is dead…period. Detroit is portrayed as a gray, dismal city full of shuttered storefronts. This is America in our continued state of joblessness, America in the 21st century, America on the decline. But China, where they’re headed for Mom’s work, is the land of opportunity, the land of now, the land on the up-and-up, or, as the Karate Kid’s Mom puts it, “a magical new land,” like unicorns live there or something.

The Karate Kid tries out his Mandarin on the Asian dude sitting across the aisle from him on the plane. “Dude, I’m from Detroit,” the Asian dude says. Light laughs from the audience, which is mostly made up of families with tween children and some creepy older loners who probably wanted to be Daniel-san back in the day. My Hardass Asian Mom (HAM) approves of this joke: “Not all Chinese or Asian looking guy speaks Chinese, this is true.”

Meanwhile: Where is my Bananarama remix???

When the Karate Kid and his Mom arrive at the airport, their lady driver is holding a sign Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Liveblogging The Karate Kid Remake With Jen’s Hardass Asian Mama

Filed under: Bananarama, China, Gong Fu, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Inappropriate Crushes, Jackie Chan, Jaden Smith, Kung Fu, Nerds, Tamlyn Tomita, The Karate Kid, The Karate Kid Remake, Unicorns, Wax On Wax Off

Foulmouth Strikes Again

Angry Asian Man posted this fabulous instructional video, which is part of a series that aids grownup Korean speakers in pronouncing the more, er,  important words of the English language: the bad ones!





Nothing warms my heart more than hearing a Hardass Asian Grownup drop an f-bomb or call someone “you fucking bitch”–or reach my father’s apex of frustration: “Oh, shit” (it only happens when he makes an anomolous mistake, like losing his keys).

And so my only hope is that more Koreans will immerse themselves into this line of study. And that such tutorials will soon be created for ma peeps the Vietnamese, Jen’s peeps the Chinese, and all of y’alls peeps as well!

I also see this tutorial as a bit of a backdoor guide to reading DISGRASIAN, properly prepping little old ladies using umbrellas as parasols and friends from our parents’ singing groups to join us in a dialogue about fucking burritos and declaring the world’s biggest asshole–and, if we’re lucky, helping us cut a few fuckers’ dicks off. That’s the fucking shit!

It’s a generasian bridge, so to speak. And a damn fine one at that.

[via Angry Asian Man]
[Anderson English for Korea]

Source
Thanks, Chris!

Filed under: Angry Asian Man, Assholes, Awesome Korean Behavior, Awesomeness, Chalkboard, Chopping Dicks Off, Cursing, Dicks, Foul Language, Fucking Bitches, Hardass Asian Parents, Hardass Asian Parents' Friends, Korean English Curse Word Tutorial, Korean Grownups, Koreans, Koreans Who Rules, Singing Groups, Study

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Softass Asian Parents

By now you may have seen the Internet-famous photos of Ardi Rizal, a 2-year-old Indonesian boy with a 2-pack-a-day habit.

Bad parenting blows

Although we will admit he’s got a pretty cool smoking style (very Goodfellas! Oh I kid, I kid), photos of the tot on a little truck actually reveal a really frightening fact–Rizal’s smoking has affected his health so much that he can barely move himself without those plastic wheels.

Homeboy is a smoker. And his parents apparently can’t–or won’t–do anything about it.

From Daily Mail:

“[D]espite local officials’ offer to buy the Rizal family a new car if the boy quits, his parents feel unable to stop him because he throws massive tantrums if they don’t indulge him.

His mother, Diana, 26, wept: ‘He’s totally addicted. If he doesn’t get cigarettes, he gets angry and screams and batters his head against the wall. He tells me he feels dizzy and sick.’

Ardi will smoke only one brand and his habit costs his parents £3.78 a day in Musi Banyuasin, in Indonesia’s South Sumatra province.”

So waaaaaaaitaminute. This TODDLER has no degrees, no job, no promise of athletic glory or public office. He costs his parents £4 a day because he’s picky about his pack and his dad doesn’t see a problem? Who’s the boss here? If my late Hardass Asian Grandma read about this situation, she’d probably smack me just to make sure I didn’t get any wild ideas!

But anyway, here’s a solution: Let’s get Cesar Millan over to Indonesia to rehabilitate this little smoke fiend and train those parents! Sheesh.

[Daily Mail: Too Unfit To Run - Two-Year-Old Who Smokes 40 Cigarettes A Day Puffs Away On A Toy Truck]

Source
Thanks, Heather!

Filed under: 2 packs a day, 2-year-old Indonesian boy smokes, 40 cigarettes a day, Ardi Rizal, Bad Parenting, child smoker, Childhood smoking habits, Diana Rizal, Hardass Asian Parenting, Hardass Asian Parents, Hardass Asian Siblings, Health, Indonesia, Indonesians, Mohammed Rizal, Not Cool, Softass Asian Parents, Weird Indonesian Behavior

Hate Your Hardass Parents? Auction Off Your Virginity On Reality TV

Even after I give birth to my first child, I’m pretty sure I’m going to tell my mom and dad that I’m a virgin. It’s like, my duty as the fourth child of two Hardass Asian Parents (who, as far as I know, are also virgins). It’s how we roll, yo. We’re expected to avoid dating but marry someone rich and virile, have babies without ever making sweet monkey love, and teach our kids to do the same.

So the first thing I thought when I read on HuffPo that an Aussie producer put together a cast willing to auction off their virginities to the highest bidder for a reality TV show was: I’ll be damned if there’s an Asian-Australian on that show!!! Hardass Asian Parents would go ape shit.

Apparently, all of the parents are pretty unhappy about the show’s concept.

Continue reading Hate Your Hardass Parents? Auction Off Your Virginity On Reality TV

Filed under: Cultural Lows, Disappointing My Parents, Fear The Wrath Of A Hardass Asian Parent, Flogging, Hardass Asian Parents, Pervs, Prostitution, Reality TV, Shameful TV Show Concepts, Shaming Your Family, Sluts, Virginity, Virginity Is So Overrated It's Unbelievable, Virgins, Weird Australian Behavior

So Your Mom Is A Fob. What’s Your Dad’s Story?

We never tire of the Hardass Asian mama-isms collected on our favorite user-generated blog, My Mom Is A Fob. But a visit to the site sometimes leaves us wanting for more, especially for nods to our beloved papas*. Enter the best thing that ever happened to our Tuesday, High Expectations Asian Father. Their brilliant logline: “The meme dedicated to the bitchiest parents in the world. Too bad we love them.” It’s like I Can Haz Cheezburger, but from the voice of your beady-eyed, higher-educated, dissatisfied chromosome donor.

How does he respond to affection? Should be no surprise.

Is he proud of your success? Damn straight.


Continue reading So Your Mom Is A Fob. What’s Your Dad’s Story?

Filed under: Asian Parents Are Flawed Yet Lovable, Badass Asian Parents, Bitchy Parents, Disappointing Your Parents, Hardass Asian Dads, Hardass Asian Parents, High Expectations Asian Fathers, Hilarity, I Can Haz Cheezburger, My Mom Is a Fob, Parents, Tumblr, We Love Our Fathers

BABEWATCH: Jane Kim

Name: Jane Kim

Occupation: President of the San Francisco Board of Education, civil rights attorney

Hails from: Ess Eff (via Enn Why)

Why She’s A Babe: Jane Kim is one of those people who has apparently spent their lives entirely devoted to doing cool shit for other people. She’s a community organizer, tenant advocate, civil rights attorney, and elected official with a CV that seems to go on for days. Her colorful career choices alone give us due cause to crush on her (Oh man, nothing says, “I’ll show YOU law school, Mom and Dad” better than becoming a civil rights attorney that supports the art community in her spare time), but let’s be real here. Chica is sa-mokin’ hot.

Kim has the flawless skin, dancing eyes, prominent cheekbones, shiny hair and pretty lips of a person that could get by despite the fact that they, y’know, kick small children and don’t recycle. But we’re pretty sure she doesn’t do that. In fact, she seems quite fond of all kinds of children. We found this description of her work with the Board of Education on her site:

Jane Kim has advocated for expanded access for immigrant families, more equitable distribution of district resources, and greater accountability by the administration to the community whom they serve. Jane has provided leadership on a number of important educational reforms including closing the achievement/opportunity gap, redesigning the student assignment process, and promoting policies that have decreased the suspension and expulsion rates at SFUSD.

Though she was just elected by her colleagues to President of the Board in January of this year, it appears she now has her eyes on another prize in November: The SF Board of Supervisors. Oh good. Yet another thing to add to that CV!

Alrighty. So she’s practically perfect. But does she RECYCLE?

[Fog City Journal: Jane Kim Announces D6 Candidacy]
[Jane Kim - Official Site]
[Become a fan of Jane on Facebook]

Source
Thanks, Cate!

Filed under: Bay Area Hotties, Beautiful Ladies, Civil Rights, Civil Rights Attorneys, Community Organizers, Crushes, CVs That Sparkle, Elected Officials, Hardass Asian Parents, Immigrant Rights, Immigrants, Impressing My Parents, Jane Kim, Law School, Presidents, Really Smart People, Recycling, San Francisco, San Francisco Board of Education, San Francisco Board of Supervisors, Tenant Rights

Somebody’s Already Sounding Like A Hardass Asian Padmama

The first photo of Padma Lakshmi’s 3 week-old daughter, Krishna Thea–taken while mother and child were hangin’ on a park bench in NYC–has been revealed on Celebrity Baby Blog.

Celebrity Baby Blog also reports that Padma has said she’d be “delighted” if her daughter became a chef, “as long as she was a good one.”

Hear that, little baby Krishna? NO PRESSURE.

[Celebrity Baby Blog: Meet Krishna Thea Lakshmi!]

Filed under: Desis, Hardass Asian Expectations, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Hot Moms, Indian-Americans, Krishna Thea Lakshmi, MILFs, No Pressure, Padma Lakshmi, Padma Lakshmi Daughter, Top Chef

HONORASIAN ALERT: Joannie Rochette

Thursday night, were there two Asians on the women’s figure skating medal podium…or three?

There was gold medal winner Kim Yu-na of South Korea, who skated perfectly, set a new scoring record, and was, according to the NY Times, “taken aback by her own crying” at the end of her performance; and there was silver medal winner Mao Asada of Japan, who failed to nail two of her jumps, looked stoically sad about being the first loser during the medal ceremony, and later described herself as “regretful”…and then there was Canada’s Joannie Rochette, who stayed in the competition and won the bronze only four days after her mother’s sudden death from a heart attack, who, after the competition, recounted how her mother was sometimes her biggest critic, how when Joannie would score a 98 on a test, she’d wonder, “What about those other two points?”

So let’s see…

We had perfection and an unexpected display of emotion, stoicism and regret, and memories of a Hardass Mama willing her child to succeed?

Sounds like an Asian sweep to me!

[CNN: Rochette earns bronze, thanks her late mother]

Source

Filed under: 2010 Winter Olympics, Asians and Figure Skating, Figure Skating, First Loser, Hardass Asian Parents, Hardass Parents of All Colors, Joannie Rochette, Kim Yu-na, Mao Asada, Mirai Nagasu, Perfection, Queen Yu-na, Regret, Vancouver Olympics, Winter Olympics, Women's Figure Skating

AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Cho Seung-jin, Piano Prodigy

Everybody Loves A Youngest-Ever Winner

Jen and I not particularly well-versed in the goings-on of the International piano competition community (Sorry, Moms), so we hadn’t heard of the Hamamatsu International Piano Competition–a prestigious classical piano showdown that occurs every three years in Hamamatsu, Shizuoka, Japan–until we read about its newly-anounted champion today.

South Korea’s Cho Seung-jin took first prize in the 7th Annual competition, a two-week affair that culminated today, making him the first-ever Asian person to nab the top honor (All winners since the contest’s 1991 inception have been European) of the Asia-based tournament.

OH. He’s also 15.

So he’s the youngest-ever winner of the competition. And our Hardass Asian Parents’ wet dream.

Cho typically practices piano for three to four hours a day (six during heavy competition), and what we love about him is that he seems to be both a consummate professional and fun, dreamy, adorably innocent kid.

The Korea Times pulled this excerpt from the judges’ interpretation of his second-round performance, depicting the nuance and wisdom of a veteran:

Continue reading AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Cho Seung-jin, Piano Prodigy

Filed under: Cho Seung-Jin, Everybody Loves a Winner, Exceptional Young People, First Asian, Hamamatsu International Piano Competition, Hardass Asian Parents, Japan, Music, Musical Geniuses, Piano, Piano Lessons Are Required, Prodigies, Teen Wonders, Youngest-Ever

Mom Is Scary For Terry On Tool Academy 2

I apologize, guys. I’m still watching Tool Academy 2 because the Reality TV Gods ignored my prayer, and that gross bastard Terry wasn’t cut when I asked. In fact, he somehow made the top 3.

But look, I don’t always need to get what I want. Who cares about elminasian when Asian parents might get involved? Just knowing that Terry would ultimately have to confront his cheating demons in front of Kate–Nicole’s awesome, loving-and-cool-yet-obviously-not-without-a-Hardass-laser-beam-glare mom–was enough to make me squeal like a pig with glee this VH1 week.

Watch Terry’s moment of truth (seated in therapy: Terry’s parents on his right, and Nicole’s baby bro and mom on her left) below:







It’s kind of the worst possible thing to imagine, right?  Reality camera crews and the eventual eyes of the nation might seem kind of non-judgmental when you’re knee deep in filming, I’m sure. But–whether cameras are on or off–nothing’s more shameful than saying that you can’t tame your dick in front of PARENTS. Especially parents that think you’re a JERK.

So you’d think in a moment so mortifying, Terry could have mustered a more realistic “I’m sorry,” right? Me too. But…nah.

[VH1: Family Weekend At Tool Academy]

Filed under: Awesome Mothers, Bastards, Cheating, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Parents, Moms, Reality TV, Shameful Behavior, Terry and Nicole, Therapy, Tool Academy, Tool Academy 2, Vh1, Ways to Not Look Sorry

Happy Hardass Asian Birthday

Welp, today is my birthday. And to celebrate, my friend sent me this adorable video of a kid taking an avant-garde approach to singing the “Happy Birthday” song: a little feedback, a little beatboxing, a little more feedback, a little freestyling, a little sampling (“Old MacDonald”), some rhythmic laughter.

It’s so damn cute. So damn cute. But um, does anybody else hear his Vietnamese dad giving him the full-on shutdown? No feedback! No giggling! Stop messing around and sing the song professionally, like a respectable baby!

That seems a little Hardass for a birthday present, even coming from one of Us…

Thanks, jRu!

Filed under: Amazian Jr., Asian Kids, Awesome Gifts, Beatboxing, Birthday Presents, Birthdays, Cuteness, Hardass Asian Parents