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I’ve kinda hated every new incarnation of Shit [Fill-In-The-Blank] People Say with greater intensity until I saw this video. Maybe it’s cuz Asian Moms are funnier than the rest of us. But this right here is TRUTH:
“NO SHAKY LEG!!!” reminds me of the time my cousin, when she was 7 years old, told me her HAM told her that shaking your leg at the table meant you were a slut. Or, in the words of this vid, someone who goes out “every day tryna have the sex.”
Filed under: Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Memes, Shit Asian Girls Say, Shit Asian Moms Say, Shit Girls Say, Shit Girls Say Meme, Shit People Say Meme, The Sex, Viral Videos
This will inspire eyerolls from those with meme fatigue but, you know, I just had to.
Here’s a full-length shot:
Filed under: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Grrrrr, Halloween, Halloween Costumes, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Holidays, Memes That Won't Die, Tiger Mom, Tiger Mom Costume, Tiger Mother, Trick Or Treat, Ungrateful Children
Of late, I’ve been watching the Red Sox implode spectacularly, so baseball has been a very, very sad affair around my house. That’s why this video makes me very, very happy:
You can tell by reading her lips she said, “How are you going to drop our child on her head and not catch that foul ball? Trifling motherfucker.”
Filed under: Baseball, Baseball Fans, Foul Balls, Fouls, Getting Your Ass Read, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Sports Fans, Husbands and Wives, If Looks Could Kill, Marital Strife
After all these years posing as Rupert Murdoch’s young, hot trophy wife–even going so far as to bear Murdoch two daughters so the “marriage” seemed legitimate–Wendi Deng Murdoch totally blew her cover this morning and exposed her real role in Rupert’s life, as his own private stone face killa (that’s her in the pink jacket, keeping a foam-pie wielding attacker away from Rupert, who’s the bald head seated at the table in front of her):
Damn, y’all, damn.
If our government knows what’s good for them, they’re recruiting Wendi and Rupert’s two young daughters, ages 9 and 6, for some off-the-books black ops shit right now. Don’t be fooled by those pretty smiles–those baby teeth will cutchu good.
Meanwhile, check out the Many Scary Faces of Wendi Deng over at The Awl.
Filed under: Angry Asian Women, Bitches You Don't Wanna Fuck With, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Wives, Media Empires, My Bodyguard, News Corp, News of the World Phone Hacking Scandal, News of the World Phone Tapping Scandal, News of the World Phonegate, News of the World Scandal, Phone-gate, Phonegate, Rupert Murdoch, SFK, Stone Face Killas, Tiger Mom, Wendi Deng, Wendi Deng Beats Down Attacker, Wendi Deng Murdoch, Wendi Deng Slaps Down Attacker, Wendi Deng Stops Husband's Attacker
Hey look! It’s the mini-me versions of us…
…if we’d been raised in some fucked-up alternate universe where there are no rules, grades, or words like “unacceptable,” “disown,” and “failure”; no forced violin and piano lessons; no math workbooks during summer vacation; no aspirations for NASA or the Nobel; no Hardass Asian Dads forbidding hot pants, high-heeled boots, and hooker poses; no Hardass Asian Moms screaming at us about looking cheap, about how “low-class” tanning is and how make-up prematurely ages your skin not to mention how all this correlates–somehow, don’t ask–with poorer test scores, lower income, and an overall decrease in college, marriage, and life prospects, really.
[via I Hate My Parents]
Filed under: Creepy, FAIL, Failure, Hardass Asian Dads, Hardass Asian Fathers, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parenting, Hardass Asian Parents, Object Lessons, Paging Tiger Mom, Parenting FAIL, Pedobait, Raised by Wolves, Softass Asian Parents, Thank God for Our Hardass Asian Parents, Underachievers
I got my mom a nice flower arrangement for Mother’s Day this year, but I didn’t get it together until the last minute, so I paid through the nose for it. I didn’t FTD that shit either–not that I’m judging if you did–because, to me, their arrangements all look like hospital flowers. (Also, I am stupid and like doing things the hard way.) So I found a florist in a fancy schmancy part of Houston who 1) actually picked up the phone late Saturday and 2) would deliver to where my parents live in the middle of nowhere. I also specified that peonies be in the arrangement, because roses are so boring. The delivery to BFN was almost half the cost of the arrangement, and they charged me extra for the peonies, because non-boring flowers don’t come cheap, apparently. Like I said, I like doing things the hard way.
But who cares? It was Mother’s Day. And I love my mama, and she loves flowers.
And sure enough, when she received them, she immediately sent me an email to let me know how much she liked them. The subject heading was “Flower of Love” (cue the Huey Lewis song if you’re old like me):
She got them on time! And they were beautiful! And I was thrilled that my mother could feel loved and celebrated without a worry in the world on her special day, which is how all mothers should feel on Mother’s Day.
But clearly, I underestimated my Hardass Asian Mom. Here’s what followed in her email:
Filed under: Asians Love Discounts, Gift Giving, Gift ideas, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mother's Day, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Holidays, Mother's Day, Mother's Day Gifts, Sending Flowers, Tiger Mother's Day, Tough Love
Three years ago, when Diana and I were kicking around book ideas, there was one that rose to the top for us, one we thought was pure gold. Its working title was: “How to Raise a Child Prodigy.” Although neither of us were prodigies–a fact that filled us both with regret–and neither of us were parents yet, we felt qualified to write the book anyway, because we were products of Hardass Asian Parenting, which was no different, in our minds, from Prodigy Parenting (see: the long, ever-expanding list of Asian prodigies). Plus, we imagined the book as a way to talk about what it’s like to be Asian American without getting heavy, a way to laugh at ourselves, something honest but still tongue-in-cheek. Of course there would be some non-Asians, aspirational parents in particular, who would buy the book for parenting tips and take it seriously…suckas!
Only we never wrote it. We started it as a blog, set to private, but didn’t get beyond a couple of entries. In hindsight, our lack of follow-through shines a light on two rather important details: 1) why we weren’t prodigies in the first place and 2) why we weren’t qualified at all to write the book. During that time, we did manage to bang out a long list of child-rearing ideas, ideas we’d been exposed to personally that we planned to explore in our little parenting guide. A selection of those ideas appears below, from a document dated March 2008:
Filed under: Amy Chua, Amy Chua Tiger Mother, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Books, Chinese Mothers, Chinese Parenting, Failed Prodigies, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parenting, Hardass Asian Parents, Memoirs, Mothers and Daughters, Parenting Books, Parents, Polarizing Figures, Prodigies, Tiger Mothers, Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior, Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior Wall Street Journal
As with every culture, the Japanese have words that are difficult to translate into other languages. Most well-known among them are honne, one’s “true feelings and desires,” and tatemae, “the behavior and opinions one displays in public.” There’s also a Japanese word, yoko meshi, for the “stress induced by speaking a foreign language.”
Then there’s this one from the 20 Awesomely Untranslatable Words from Around the World list:
But, see, here’s where I’m confused. Because I always thought the word for that person was just… “Mom”?
Filed under: Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Hardass Asian Parents and Their Love of Academic Achievement, Japanese, Japanese Word for Hardass Asian Mom, Kyoikumama, Lost In Translasian, Lost In Translation, Moms, Pushy Parents, Untranslatable Words
Y’all. If you’ve ever thought your own Hardass Asian Mom was tough on you, more often your toughest critic than your biggest fan, quicker to point out your failings than your strengths, more likely to greet you with a laundry list of reasons as to why you fell on your face when you fell on your face rather than a band-aid for your boo-boo-ed ego, then the letter below is for you.
But first, some background. Eddie Huang (pictured) is the Taiwanese American chef/owner of two restaurants in New York, Baohaus and the recently opened Xiao Ye. Xiao Ye received a terrible review in the NY Times this week, wherein Sam Sifton, while lauding some of Huang’s dishes, compared the taste of one dish to that of “cardboard and water,” and wrote that another “might have been made by your college roommate in a borrowed Crock-Pot one night over winter break, then discarded in favor of Greek pizza from that place out by the discount liquor store.” E.T. said OUCH!
So what do you think about this review. I feel it is a review of your life. It sounds so familiar to The Food Net Work competition Judge’s comments. I guess you never registered all the opinions from those professionals who have seen so many people working toward their success. There is a reason why the other guy won. Good taste, Continue reading Is There Any Tougher Critic Than Your Hardass Asian Mom?
Filed under: Asian American Chefs, Baohaus, Chinese Food, Eddie Huang, Eddie Huang's Mom, Ham, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Letters from Mom, Love Mom, Restaurant Reviews, Taiwanese-Americans, Toughest Critic Biggest Fan, Xiao Ye
My mother is a wonderful lady, but I’m convinced that she gave birth to four children in an attempt to build an army of personal slaves. If she wasn’t such a Hardass Asian Workhorse in other arenas (like her career), I might actually think she was the laziest person in the world. I record her outgoing answer machine messages, check her unheard cell phone voicemails, and install all of her bullshit, pull-your-hair-out, why-the-eff-is-this-so-complicated PC anti-virus programs. My sister chauffeurs her to the Indian casino, takes her dog to get groomed, and books all of my parents’ plane tickets. Mom orchestrates big family projects: “We’re going to rearrange all of the furniture in this room!”–and then sits down on a chair to yell out directions.
For real. Mom once wanted to buy a new car–one of those fantastic, big, black, luxury sedan mom boats. We brought her to the dealership. She said, “I’ll just stay in this car, you and Daddy go in and pick one for me.” We said, “It’s your CAR. Don’t you even want to test drive it?” She said, “Just get the black one. Make sure it has all the nice stuff in it.”
Six car dealership hours later, it was done. While waiting, my mom got hungry and asked us to buy her some lunch.
You may have heard about Cecilia Chang, the disgraced former Dean of St. John’s University, who was suspended and then fired earlier this year after being accused of embezzling $1 million from the school. Chang could now face additional prison time for Continue reading Disgraced Ex-Dean Cecilia Chang: Slave Lord Or Just Another Hardass Asian Mama?
Filed under: Cecilia Chang, Ex-Dean of St. John's University, Hard Labor, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Mean Mommy, NYC, Public Disgrace, Scholarship, St. John's University, The Lazy Shuffle, University Deans, Work-Study
Any use of inappropriate cultural terms or conflation with the original movie is entirely intentional:
The Karate Kid (Jaden Smith) and his Mom (Taraji Henson) are leaving Detroit. Lest you think this is a single black mom/deadbeat dad scenario, we’re told upfront that the Karate Kid’s Dad is dead…period. Detroit is portrayed as a gray, dismal city full of shuttered storefronts. This is America in our continued state of joblessness, America in the 21st century, America on the decline. But China, where they’re headed for Mom’s work, is the land of opportunity, the land of now, the land on the up-and-up, or, as the Karate Kid’s Mom puts it, “a magical new land,” like unicorns live there or something.
The Karate Kid tries out his Mandarin on the Asian dude sitting across the aisle from him on the plane. “Dude, I’m from Detroit,” the Asian dude says. Light laughs from the audience, which is mostly made up of families with tween children and some creepy older loners who probably wanted to be Daniel-san back in the day. My Hardass Asian Mom (HAM) approves of this joke: “Not all Chinese or Asian looking guy speaks Chinese, this is true.”
Meanwhile: Where is my Bananarama remix???
When the Karate Kid and his Mom arrive at the airport, their lady driver is holding a sign Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Liveblogging The Karate Kid Remake With Jen’s Hardass Asian Mama
Filed under: Bananarama, China, Gong Fu, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Inappropriate Crushes, Jackie Chan, Jaden Smith, Kung Fu, Nerds, Tamlyn Tomita, The Karate Kid, The Karate Kid Remake, Unicorns, Wax On Wax Off
A lot of people find swinging couples to be reeeeeally ewwwwwwwwwwy. I don’t mind ‘em so much. After all, what do I care? If a couple likes to screw lots of other couples, that’s their thing. And certainly, gettin’ busy is fun—why wouldn’t doubling, tripling, quadrupling up on the busy be even more fun? I imagine those great ’70s pornos where everybody’s scattered around a snow cabin, playing Boggle in their bellbottoms and tight sweaters, then suddenly everyone is naked and muffdiving and moaning like crazy on the floor in front of the fireplace–that shit is AWESOME.
Okay, swinging is probably not good for monogomy (at least according to Dr. Drew), but hey, neither is extended business travel. Or social networking.
My only real problem with swingers is that the only real-life swingers I’ve ever met have been criminally ugly and/or kinda creepy. When I was in college, a person invited me with a cheap business card and a latte order to attend a swingers night, and I swear he was Golum.
So wait. Does this guy look criminally ugly to you?
Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Is Swinging Criminal?