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Disgraced Ex-Dean Cecilia Chang: Slave Lord Or Just Another Hardass Asian Mama?

October 1st, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Diana

Not pictured: Diana (still in ovary)

My mother is a wonderful lady, but I’m convinced that she gave birth to four children in an attempt to build an army of personal slaves. If she wasn’t such a Hardass Asian Workhorse in other arenas (like her career), I might actually think she was the laziest person in the world. I record her outgoing answer machine messages, check her unheard cell phone voicemails, and install all of her bullshit, pull-your-hair-out, why-the-eff-is-this-so-complicated PC anti-virus programs. My sister chauffeurs her to the Indian casino, takes her dog to get groomed, and books all of my parents’ plane tickets. Mom orchestrates big family projects: “We’re going to rearrange all of the furniture in this room!”–and then sits down on a chair to yell out directions.

For real. Mom once wanted to buy a new car–one of those fantastic, big, black, luxury sedan mom boats. We brought her to the dealership. She said, “I’ll just stay in this car, you and Daddy go in and pick one for me.” We said, “It’s your CAR. Don’t you even want to test drive it?” She said, “Just get the black one. Make sure it has all the nice stuff in it.”

Six car dealership hours later, it was done. While waiting, my mom got hungry and asked us to buy her some lunch.

Cecilia Chang, former Dean of St. John's University

You may have heard about Cecilia Chang, the disgraced former Dean of St. John’s University, who was suspended and then fired earlier this year after being accused of embezzling $1 million from the school. Chang could now face additional prison time for Continue reading Disgraced Ex-Dean Cecilia Chang: Slave Lord Or Just Another Hardass Asian Mama?

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Diana and Jen’s Excellent Ebates Shopping Adventure [Sponsored]

June 25th, 2010 | 8 comments | Posted by Jen & Diana

JEN: Attention, Ebates shoppers

DIANA: (channeling Bono) “Uno, Dos, Tres… Catorce! (14?) Hallo… hallo…”

JEN: Don’t you think Ebates should have a thing like K-Mart, like the Blue Light Special?

DIANA: My parents used to tell me that they got me as a baby at a Blue Light Special.

JEN: That reminds me…did you hear about the meth heads who tried to sell their baby outside a Wal-Mart?  Too bad your parents weren’t there, cuz the baby was a bargain, only $25! And Ebates has a 1% cash back deal with Wal-Mart, so…

DIANA: They also could’ve put it on eBay, which has a 1-3% Ebate.

JEN: The meth really clouded their judgment.

DIANA: Hear that, kids?  Just say NO.

JEN: Enough about discount babies, what did you buy using our Ebates cashola?

DIANA: Well…first, I had to get a replacement foundation for the one I lost in Oklahoma last month. Sigh. Somewhere in the rural backwoods of Tulsa, some hotel employee is walking around with a really dewy, smooth, flawless complexion. Bitch!  It’s the Chanel Vitalumière in 41, Natural Beige. SPF 15, so I don’t get too tan in the face and look, as my Hardass Asian Grandma would say, “like a worker.”

JEN: You are naturally tan in the face though!

DIANA: Yeah. My grandma always frowned and made the clucking sound: “Ohhhh… you Continue reading Diana and Jen’s Excellent Ebates Shopping Adventure [Sponsored]

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Jujubee

June 24th, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Diana

Happy birthday to our beloved Jujubee, who turned 26 this week!

Darling, you are magnificent. We hope you got a long-overdue birthday call from your mama–and if you didn’t, well honeychild, come on over and we’ll hug you to our bosoms and tell you everything’s gonna be alright. Cuz everything’s gonna be alright.

MWAH! Dance the night away!!!

[Wikipedia: Jujubee (drag queen)]

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Liveblogging The Karate Kid Remake With Jen’s Hardass Asian Mama

June 11th, 2010 | 32 comments | Posted by Jen

Any use of inappropriate cultural terms or conflation with the original movie is entirely intentional:

The Karate Kid (Jaden Smith) and his Mom (Taraji Henson) are leaving Detroit. Lest you think this is a single black mom/deadbeat dad scenario, we’re told upfront that the Karate Kid’s Dad is dead…period. Detroit is portrayed as a gray, dismal city full of shuttered storefronts. This is America in our continued state of joblessness, America in the 21st century, America on the decline. But China, where they’re headed for Mom’s work, is the land of opportunity, the land of now, the land on the up-and-up, or, as the Karate Kid’s Mom puts it, “a magical new land,” like unicorns live there or something.

The Karate Kid tries out his Mandarin on the Asian dude sitting across the aisle from him on the plane. “Dude, I’m from Detroit,” the Asian dude says. Light laughs from the audience, which is mostly made up of families with tween children and some creepy older loners who probably wanted to be Daniel-san back in the day. My Hardass Asian Mom (HAM) approves of this joke: “Not all Chinese or Asian looking guy speaks Chinese, this is true.

Meanwhile: Where is my Bananarama remix???

When the Karate Kid and his Mom arrive at the airport, their lady driver is holding a sign Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Liveblogging The Karate Kid Remake With Jen’s Hardass Asian Mama

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Cheapass Asian Daughter [Sponsored]

June 3rd, 2010 | 8 comments | Posted by Diana


Growing up, my mom and I fought constantly. She hated my tardiness, my impropriety, my messy room, how I danced in public, the time I bleached a white stripe into my black bob senior year, the nine Robert Smith posters I had thumbtacked onto the white wall of my Orange County gated home bedroom. I couldn’t stand her loud and dramatic piano playing while I was watching audio-sensitive movies like A Clockwork Orange or Dr. Strangelove. I hated the way she cackled when she spent too much time with her crazy sisters, how she always saved even the tiniest bit of leftovers with air-tight saran wrap, how she only liked a St. John jacket if it was really obviously St. John. We figured that we were simply too different to get along, so a lot of them time we spent in silence.

I don’t remember when we made the turn, but my mom and I found ourselves on the same page one day. Maybe it was when I, like she, began to hoard my Tupperware. I’ll never know.

But it happened. One day I simply realized that my mother and I were not different at all. WE’RE THE SAME.

Like, when she gets mad, she gets quiet. Really quiet. Her eyes become glassy and dead. And two strange anger dimples appear between her lips and cheeks. This goes on for hours and can continue through important, jovial events like walks in the park, childhood birthday parties, or Christmas. She can be silent forever. That shit doesn’t pass.

Lo and behold, this happens to me too. (Do not fuck with me.) Ask Jen. Same anger dimples.

Also, I lose my license and/or bank card about five times a year. And I often lose my glasses while they’re hanging on the neckline of my shirt. I always thought this was because I was forgetful. But a few months ago I went to Wells Fargo with my mom, to do some important banky stuff,  and she killed the waiting time by describing the one, two, three times she had lost her drivers license and bank card over the past six months. Then in the middle of gobs of paperwork, she panicked, because she realized she had lost her glasses somewhere. They were sitting on top of her head. I nodded.

Continue reading Cheapass Asian Daughter [Sponsored]

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Asians Love A Discount: Ebates.com Review [Sponsored]

May 28th, 2010 | 17 comments | Posted by Jen

FACT: Asians love a discount.

For this reason, it used to embarrass the hell outta me when I was a kid to go shopping with my Hardass Asian Mom, who never paid full price for anything and always found a way to get what she wanted on sale even if it wasn’t. Like, she’d find a loose thread on a pair of pants and argue for ten percent off. Or she’d see some microscopic flaw in the weaving of the fabric of some blouse and argue for twenty-five off, while I quietly died of humiliation next to the cash register.

BUT. Now that I’m a grown-up, and the money I spend is the money I have to earn, I’m a bit more like my mom than I’d like to admit. (And, really, it’s futile trying to shake the lessons your Hardass Asian Mom’s drilled into you anyway, whether it’s about staying out of the sun so you can look young forever or knowing how to tie the perfect knot on a plastic leftovers bag to avoid spillage of said bag’s contents or never walking around the house–or anywhere for that matter–barefoot.)

So I was pretty stoked when Ebates.com decided to sponsor us to use their site and blog about it. Because as bloggers, we rarely get paid to blog. And as shoppers, we NEVER get paid to shop. Actually, as bloggers, we kinda never get paid to blog, either. Sigh. But I digress.

What the hell is Ebates, you ask? Basically it’s a site that gives out discounts on stuff you buy from its participating stores. What seems to set the site apart from similar coupon sites is that Ebates also gives you cash back every time you shop, and the cash is paid to you quarterly, either by check or Paypal. The cash back is some percentage of your purchase total, and while some of the percentages seem small–1.0% off at Apple, 1.5% off at Virgin Atlantic Airways–who’s going to look down their nose at FREE MONEY?! Refusing free money is not only not Asian, it’s straight-up DISGRASIAN, y’all.

Sign-up is easy. First of all, it’s free. Second, it only involves putting in your email and a password, then you’re good to go. Normally, they give you $5 back just for signing up, but if you click the Ebates banner at the top of our blog, you’ll get $8.88 back. (Plus that will help convince them to keep advertising with us, which will make us less broke, which will enable us to blog more, which will make us happy, which, in turn, will make you happy? Yes?)

Continue reading Asians Love A Discount: Ebates.com Review [Sponsored]

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Aaron Yoo

May 13th, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Diana




Happy bithday to Aaron Yoo, whose shaggy locks we coveted in 21 and Disturbia! You turned 31 yesterday, but sure don’t look a day over 24.

And since I’m making assessments: you also seem like the kind of dude that has a rockin’ record collection, can roll a sweet spliff, always wears a perfectly worn-in tee, and can coax their Hardass Asian Mom to do anything–simply by annoying the shit out of her, then almost suffocating her with an awkward bear hug. Dude, we totally want to party with you. Let us know when and we’ll cruise!

[Wikipedia: Aaron Yoo]

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Float On

April 30th, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Diana

My family fled war-torn Vietnam in June of 1975 by secretly hopping aboard a freight ship meant to carry textiles. Someone tipped my mom’s brother off to the opportunity and he immediately rounded up the rest of the relatives. They hastily collected their meager belongings, then hustled to the dock. My family was joined by about 200 other people on the shore. The ship docked and everyone quietly boarded the ship, tucking themselves into the dark nooks, while dozens of jumbo bins were loaded onto the deck. The ship left shore once again, and after a number of miles some of the bins began to move, as 150 more people emerged from underneath. They all went to America.

Every time my mom and I talk about this particularly fascinating bit of their story, we clash over one point.

I say, “So that’s how you came here!”

She says, “Yes, we came on a boat.”

I say, “Right. So you were boat people that came–”

She cuts me off and shrieks, “WE ARE NOT BOAT PEOPLE!”

I say, “Didn’t we just talk about the boat you came on?”

She says, “It was a freight ship!”

I say, “Isn’t a ship a large boat?

Then she stops talking to me. Moms are so weird.

Today, I saw photos of those womb-rumbling cutie patooties Maddox and Pax Jolie-Pitt cruising coolly around the canals in a sweet speedboat:




…and all I could think was, “Mom! Boat people are so AWESOME!”

[via Popsugar]

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What Kind Of Mom Is Angelina, REALLY?

April 2nd, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Diana

In Touch caused quite a stir this week by releasing an exclusive interview with “Bill,” a man who claims to be a former bodyguard for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. The “ugly truth?” Angie’s apparently a bad mother:

“Bill’s” testimony:

“In my opinion, the real Angelina is self-centered and a control freak. She has no patience at all. She doesn’t do things out of the kindness of her heart. And she’s totally psycho.” While Brad is laid-back and patient with his kids’ often wild behavior, Angelina is anything but. “She screams and yells a lot, then walks away,” Bill says, explaining that Angelina would often “disappear into her suite for hours,” leaving staffers — and Brad — to deal with her children. “She would punish them with silence,” says Bill, adding, “I think she could be abusive at times in a mental way.” If the children were to get upset by her withholding behavior, he says, Angelina didn’t seem to care. “She is not moved by tears,” he explains. Still more disturbing, he recalls, Angelina has a “quirky habit” of “giggling when one of her kids would start crying.”

Hmm. This passage actually makes me feel kinda nostalgic (Mommy? Mommy?)…

Here’s a theory: Perhaps Mama Jolie has just been trying her darndest to be an authentic Hardass Asian Mom for her boys! Has anybody ever stopped to think of that? If this guy speaks the truth*, she’s doing a damn good job of giving Maddox and Pax a slice of home!

*Sorry, “Bill”–I don’t believe this shit for a second.

[In Touch: Exclusive Interview - The Ugly Truth About Angelina Jolie]

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Somebody’s Already Sounding Like A Hardass Asian Padmama

March 15th, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

The first photo of Padma Lakshmi’s 3 week-old daughter, Krishna Thea–taken while mother and child were hangin’ on a park bench in NYC–has been revealed on Celebrity Baby Blog.

Celebrity Baby Blog also reports that Padma has said she’d be “delighted” if her daughter became a chef, “as long as she was a good one.”

Hear that, little baby Krishna? NO PRESSURE.

[Celebrity Baby Blog: Meet Krishna Thea Lakshmi!]

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Tiger Publicly Apologizes For Cheating, Athletes Everywhere Groan

February 19th, 2010 | 7 comments | Posted by Jen

Tiger Woods apologized today, ushering in a bizarre new era where professional athletes ask forgiveness for cheating on their wives not only from their wives but from the general public.

(Somewhere, Charles Barkley is driving his SUV drunk on the way to a blowjob, marveling at his own genius.)

To recap, Tiger said he:

  • has a lot to atone for
  • doesn’t get to play by different rules
  • brought shame to his family
  • wants to live a life of integrity
  • will become a better person by returning to Buddhism and by seeking more treatment and therapy

If that fails, Tiger can always tape this picture of his mother Kultida from the press conference (at the 6:00 mark) to a mirror, to scare his ass straight:

Continue reading Tiger Publicly Apologizes For Cheating, Athletes Everywhere Groan

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! J.R. Celski

February 15th, 2010 | 8 comments | Posted by Jen


Name: J.R. Celski

Age: 19

Ethnicity: Filipino and Polish

Hails from: Federal Way, WA

Occupation: Olympic short-track speed skater

Known for: Making an astonishing comeback at the 2010 Winter Games by winning bronze in the 1500, after crashing at the Olympic Trials five months before, cutting open his left leg to the bone with his skate, and missing his femoral artery by one inch. Having a Hardass Asian Mama who believed in him, who raced out onto the ice after his accident and told him when he thought his Olympic Dream was over: “No, it’s not over, J.R. You’re going to be fine.” Becoming the sport’s heir apparent to Apolo Anton Ohno, who took silver in the 1500 to tie Bonnie Blair’s record of most medals won (six) at a Winter Olympics.

On that note…

Continue reading AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! J.R. Celski

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