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Jen has, for a long while now, been mildly disturbed by my fascination with Martha Stewart. Admittedly, it’s a bit extensive: I’ve got multi-year subscriptions to her Living and Everyday Food magazines, quietly read The Daily Wag (her french bulldogs’ blog) daily, and once tried to steal my friend Michael’s ex-girlfriend’s dog (named… drum roll… Martha Stewart). Oh, and then there’s the recent foray into Ball canning jars and seasonal pickling, the frowny face I make when looking at sad flowers in an unbalanced vase, my fondness and collection of coasters. God, I love coasters. I love Martha, man. She scares me and I love it (Funnily enough, the same can also be said of my eternal ladycrush, Jen).
Naturally, when excerpts from Whateverland: Learning to Live Here–a humorous memoir co-written by Martha’s daughter Alexis–began making waves all over the webz yesterday, I had to take a look. The selection of Alexis’s comments about mama Martha were referred to as “embarrassing” and “scathing” by assorted media outlets. But perhaps you, like me, found them bizarrely comforting and familiar. Like me, you may have wondered what all the fuss was about. Like me, you may have thought, “DEAR GOD. NO WONDER I LOVE THIS BEAST! MARTHA STEWART IS TOTALLY A HARDASS ASIAN MAMA!”
The stiff bob. The forced smile. Sure, she drinks gin with every meal and okay, she doesn’t wrap up leftovers in a used plastic grocery bag, but I’m telling you. She’s just like Mom! Here’s proof, based on Alexis’s pull quotes:
‘Martha does everything better! You can’t win!’
I mean, ’nuff said. Should I even continue? Should I EVEN CONTINUE?
I got my mom a nice flower arrangement for Mother’s Day this year, but I didn’t get it together until the last minute, so I paid through the nose for it. I didn’t FTD that shit either–not that I’m judging if you did–because, to me, their arrangements all look like hospital flowers. (Also, I am stupid and like doing things the hard way.) So I found a florist in a fancy schmancy part of Houston who 1) actually picked up the phone late Saturday and 2) would deliver to where my parents live in the middle of nowhere. I also specified that peonies be in the arrangement, because roses are so boring. The delivery to BFN was almost half the cost of the arrangement, and they charged me extra for the peonies, because non-boring flowers don’t come cheap, apparently. Like I said, I like doing things the hard way.
But who cares? It was Mother’s Day. And I love my mama, and she loves flowers.
And sure enough, when she received them, she immediately sent me an email to let me know how much she liked them. The subject heading was “Flower of Love” (cue the Huey Lewis song if you’re old like me):
She got them on time! And they were beautiful! And I was thrilled that my mother could feel loved and celebrated without a worry in the world on her special day, which is how all mothers should feel on Mother’s Day.
But clearly, I underestimated my Hardass Asian Mom. Here’s what followed in her email:
Filed under: Asians Love Discounts, Gift Giving, Gift ideas, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mother's Day, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Holidays, Mother's Day, Mother's Day Gifts, Sending Flowers, Tiger Mother's Day, Tough Love
Sure, Dancing With The Stars has lost a few viewers in its old age. Apparently, last night’s Season 12 premiere pulled a smaller audience than expected (by that, I mean 22.3 million viewers), 20% down from the last season.
But it actually gained one viewer: ME (Yes, I’ve tried once before, but couldn’t stick to my guns). Now, for the first time, I watched the first performances live on TV (which I couldn’t even do for the Kate Gosselin and Bristol Palin trainwrecks)–and I think I’m in for the whole season. Why? Because there are SO MANY REASONS to watch this season. Twelve, in fact, right off the top of my head:
Reason #1: Turns out that my football boyfriend and Steelers #86 Hines Ward is light as a feather on his feet, as evidenced by his much-lauded performance with Kym Johnson. I knew it, I knew it, I knew that man could dance! And dear me, is he better to look at without all that football gear. Ward is as smooth a mover as he is fast a runner. He’s as smiley on the dance floor as he is on astroturf. And I know I’m not the first person to make the “Mmn!” sound while looking at his perfect Hines-dquarters, underdig?
Filed under: ABC, Bosoms, Carrie Ann Inaba, Cheryl Burke, Dancing With the Stars, Dancing With The Stars Season 12, DWTS, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hines Ward, Karate Kid, Kate Gosselin, Kendra Wilkinson, Kirstie Alley, Len Goodman, Light As A Feather, Loveline, Pat Morita, Pro Athletes, Psycho Mike Catherwood, Ralph Macchio, Reasons To Watch DWTS, Sugar Ray Leonard, Wendy Williams, Wendy Williams Cries
As with every culture, the Japanese have words that are difficult to translate into other languages. Most well-known among them are honne, one’s “true feelings and desires,” and tatemae, “the behavior and opinions one displays in public.” There’s also a Japanese word, yoko meshi, for the “stress induced by speaking a foreign language.”
Then there’s this one from the 20 Awesomely Untranslatable Words from Around the World list:
But, see, here’s where I’m confused. Because I always thought the word for that person was just… “Mom”?
Filed under: Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Hardass Asian Parents and Their Love of Academic Achievement, Japanese, Japanese Word for Hardass Asian Mom, Kyoikumama, Lost In Translasian, Lost In Translation, Moms, Pushy Parents, Untranslatable Words
Y’all. If you’ve ever thought your own Hardass Asian Mom was tough on you, more often your toughest critic than your biggest fan, quicker to point out your failings than your strengths, more likely to greet you with a laundry list of reasons as to why you fell on your face when you fell on your face rather than a band-aid for your boo-boo-ed ego, then the letter below is for you.
But first, some background. Eddie Huang (pictured) is the Taiwanese American chef/owner of two restaurants in New York, Baohaus and the recently opened Xiao Ye. Xiao Ye received a terrible review in the NY Times this week, wherein Sam Sifton, while lauding some of Huang’s dishes, compared the taste of one dish to that of “cardboard and water,” and wrote that another “might have been made by your college roommate in a borrowed Crock-Pot one night over winter break, then discarded in favor of Greek pizza from that place out by the discount liquor store.” E.T. said OUCH!
So what do you think about this review. I feel it is a review of your life. It sounds so familiar to The Food Net Work competition Judge’s comments. I guess you never registered all the opinions from those professionals who have seen so many people working toward their success. There is a reason why the other guy won. Good taste, Continue reading Is There Any Tougher Critic Than Your Hardass Asian Mom?
Filed under: Asian American Chefs, Baohaus, Chinese Food, Eddie Huang, Eddie Huang's Mom, Ham, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Letters from Mom, Love Mom, Restaurant Reviews, Taiwanese-Americans, Toughest Critic Biggest Fan, Xiao Ye
My mother is a wonderful lady, but I’m convinced that she gave birth to four children in an attempt to build an army of personal slaves. If she wasn’t such a Hardass Asian Workhorse in other arenas (like her career), I might actually think she was the laziest person in the world. I record her outgoing answer machine messages, check her unheard cell phone voicemails, and install all of her bullshit, pull-your-hair-out, why-the-eff-is-this-so-complicated PC anti-virus programs. My sister chauffeurs her to the Indian casino, takes her dog to get groomed, and books all of my parents’ plane tickets. Mom orchestrates big family projects: “We’re going to rearrange all of the furniture in this room!”–and then sits down on a chair to yell out directions.
For real. Mom once wanted to buy a new car–one of those fantastic, big, black, luxury sedan mom boats. We brought her to the dealership. She said, “I’ll just stay in this car, you and Daddy go in and pick one for me.” We said, “It’s your CAR. Don’t you even want to test drive it?” She said, “Just get the black one. Make sure it has all the nice stuff in it.”
Six car dealership hours later, it was done. While waiting, my mom got hungry and asked us to buy her some lunch.
You may have heard about Cecilia Chang, the disgraced former Dean of St. John’s University, who was suspended and then fired earlier this year after being accused of embezzling $1 million from the school. Chang could now face additional prison time for Continue reading Disgraced Ex-Dean Cecilia Chang: Slave Lord Or Just Another Hardass Asian Mama?
Filed under: Cecilia Chang, Ex-Dean of St. John's University, Hard Labor, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Mean Mommy, NYC, Public Disgrace, Scholarship, St. John's University, The Lazy Shuffle, University Deans, Work-Study
The first photo of Padma Lakshmi’s 3 week-old daughter, Krishna Thea–taken while mother and child were hangin’ on a park bench in NYC–has been revealed on Celebrity Baby Blog.
Celebrity Baby Blog also reports that Padma has said she’d be “delighted” if her daughter became a chef, “as long as she was a good one.”
Hear that, little baby Krishna? NO PRESSURE.
Filed under: Desis, Hardass Asian Expectations, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parents, Hot Moms, Indian-Americans, Krishna Thea Lakshmi, MILFs, No Pressure, Padma Lakshmi, Padma Lakshmi Daughter, Top Chef
Tiger Woods apologized today, ushering in a bizarre new era where professional athletes ask forgiveness for cheating on their wives not only from their wives but from the general public.
To recap, Tiger said he:
- has a lot to atone for
- doesn’t get to play by different rules
- brought shame to his family
- wants to live a life of integrity
- will become a better person by returning to Buddhism and by seeking more treatment and therapy
If that fails, Tiger can always tape this picture of his mother Kultida from the press conference (at the 6:00 mark) to a mirror, to scare his ass straight:
Filed under: Apologies, Atonement, Elin Nordegren, Golf, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Kultida Woods, Public Apologies, Public Shaming, The PGA Tour, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Apologizes, Tiger Woods Apology, Tiger Woods Sex Scandals