You are currently browsing posts tagged with Hardass Asian Mamas

Martha, My Dear, Long-Lost HAM

October 4th, 2011 | 3 comments | Posted by Diana

Jen has, for a long while now, been mildly disturbed by my fascination with Martha Stewart. Admittedly, it’s a bit extensive: I’ve got multi-year subscriptions to her Living and Everyday Food magazines, quietly read The Daily Wag (her french bulldogs’ blog) daily, and once tried to steal my friend Michael’s ex-girlfriend’s dog (named… drum roll… Martha Stewart). Oh, and then there’s the  recent foray into Ball canning jars and seasonal pickling, the frowny face I make when looking at sad flowers in an unbalanced vase, my fondness and collection of coasters. God, I love coasters. I love Martha, man. She scares me and I love it (Funnily enough, the same can also be said of my eternal ladycrush, Jen).

Naturally, when excerpts from Whateverland: Learning to Live Herea humorous memoir co-written by Martha’s daughter Alexis–began making waves all over the webz yesterday, I had to take a look. The selection of Alexis’s comments about mama Martha were referred to as “embarrassing” and “scathing” by assorted media outlets. But perhaps you, like me, found them bizarrely comforting and familiar. Like me, you may have wondered what all the fuss was about. Like me, you may have thought, “DEAR GOD. NO WONDER I LOVE THIS BEAST! MARTHA STEWART IS TOTALLY A HARDASS ASIAN MAMA!”

Alexis and Martha Stewart, getting cozy

The stiff bob. The forced smile. Sure, she drinks gin with every meal and okay, she doesn’t wrap up leftovers in a used plastic grocery bag, but I’m telling you. She’s just like Mom! Here’s proof, based on Alexis’s pull quotes:

‘Martha does everything better! You can’t win!’

I mean, ’nuff said. Should I even continue? Should I EVEN CONTINUE?

Continue reading Martha, My Dear, Long-Lost HAM

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A Hardass Asian Mother’s Day Isn’t Quite Like Other Mother’s Days

May 9th, 2011 | 3 comments | Posted by Jen

I got my mom a nice flower arrangement for Mother’s Day this year, but I didn’t get it together until the last minute, so I paid through the nose for it. I didn’t FTD that shit either–not that I’m judging if you did–because, to me, their arrangements all look like hospital flowers. (Also, I am stupid and like doing things the hard way.) So I found a florist in a fancy schmancy part of Houston who 1) actually picked up the phone late Saturday and 2) would deliver to where my parents live in the middle of nowhere. I also specified that peonies be in the arrangement, because roses are so boring. The delivery to BFN was almost half the cost of the arrangement, and they charged me extra for the peonies, because non-boring flowers don’t come cheap, apparently. Like I said, I like doing things the hard way.

But who cares? It was Mother’s Day. And I love my mama, and she loves flowers.

The Mother's Day Bouquet I Sent: Are those ROSES I see in my GD peony arrangement?

And sure enough, when she received them, she immediately sent me an email to let me know how much she liked them. The subject heading was “Flower of Love” (cue the Huey Lewis song if you’re old like me):

She got them on time! And they were beautiful! And I was thrilled that my mother could feel loved and celebrated without a worry in the world on her special day, which is how all mothers should feel on Mother’s Day.

But clearly, I underestimated my Hardass Asian Mom. Here’s what followed in her email:

Continue reading A Hardass Asian Mother’s Day Isn’t Quite Like Other Mother’s Days

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12 Reasons To Watch Season 12 Of Dancing With The Stars

March 22nd, 2011 | 3 comments | Posted by Diana

Sure, Dancing With The Stars has lost a few viewers in its old age. Apparently, last night’s Season 12 premiere pulled a smaller audience than expected (by that, I mean 22.3 million viewers), 20% down from the last season.

But it actually gained one viewer: ME (Yes, I’ve tried once before, but couldn’t stick to my guns). Now, for the first time, I watched the first performances live on TV (which I couldn’t even do for the Kate Gosselin and Bristol Palin trainwrecks)–and I think I’m in for the whole season. Why? Because there are SO MANY REASONS to watch this season. Twelve, in fact, right off the top of my head:

Reason #1: Turns out that my football boyfriend and Steelers #86 Hines Ward is light as a feather on his feet, as evidenced by his much-lauded performance with Kym Johnson. I knew it, I knew it, I knew that man could dance! And dear me, is he better to look at without all that football gear. Ward is as smooth a mover as he is fast a runner. He’s as smiley on the dance floor as he is on astroturf. And I know I’m not the first person to make the “Mmn!” sound while looking at his perfect Hines-dquarters, underdig?

Continue reading 12 Reasons To Watch Season 12 Of Dancing With The Stars

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The Japanese Have A Special Word For Mom

December 14th, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

As with every culture, the Japanese have words that are difficult to translate into other languages. Most well-known among them are honne, one’s “true feelings and desires,” and tatemae, “the behavior and opinions one displays in public.” There’s also a Japanese word, yoko meshi, for the “stress induced by speaking a foreign language.”

Then there’s this one from the 20 Awesomely Untranslatable Words from Around the World list:

But, see, here’s where I’m confused. Because I always thought the word for that person was just… “Mom”?

What you can't see in this picture is the invisible gun Mom's holding to her child's head.

[Matador Abroad: 20 Awesomely Untranslatable Words from Around the World]
[NPR: Translating the Untranslatable]

Thanks, Angela!

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Is There Any Tougher Critic Than Your Hardass Asian Mom?

October 14th, 2010 | 7 comments | Posted by Jen

Y’all. If you’ve ever thought your own Hardass Asian Mom was tough on you, more often your toughest critic than your biggest fan, quicker to point out your failings than your strengths, more likely to greet you with a laundry list of reasons as to why you fell on your face when you fell on your face rather than a band-aid for your boo-boo-ed ego, then the letter below is for you.

But first, some background. Eddie Huang (pictured) is the Taiwanese American chef/owner of two restaurants in New York, Baohaus and the recently opened Xiao Ye. Xiao Ye received a terrible review in the NY Times this week, wherein Sam Sifton, while lauding some of Huang’s dishes, compared the taste of one dish to that of “cardboard and water,” and wrote that another “might have been made by your college roommate in a borrowed Crock-Pot one night over winter break, then discarded in favor of Greek pizza from that place out by the discount liquor store.” E.T. said OUCH!

On the heels of this, Huang’s HAM–who taught him how to cook–weighed in by email, which he published on his blog, Fresh Off The Boat:

Hi Eddie,
So what do you think about this review. I feel it is a review of your life. It sounds so familiar to The Food Net Work competition Judge’s comments. I guess you never registered all the opinions from those professionals who have seen so many people working toward their success. There is a reason why the other guy won. Good taste, Continue reading Is There Any Tougher Critic Than Your Hardass Asian Mom?

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Disgraced Ex-Dean Cecilia Chang: Slave Lord Or Just Another Hardass Asian Mama?

October 1st, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Diana

Not pictured: Diana (still in ovary)

My mother is a wonderful lady, but I’m convinced that she gave birth to four children in an attempt to build an army of personal slaves. If she wasn’t such a Hardass Asian Workhorse in other arenas (like her career), I might actually think she was the laziest person in the world. I record her outgoing answer machine messages, check her unheard cell phone voicemails, and install all of her bullshit, pull-your-hair-out, why-the-eff-is-this-so-complicated PC anti-virus programs. My sister chauffeurs her to the Indian casino, takes her dog to get groomed, and books all of my parents’ plane tickets. Mom orchestrates big family projects: “We’re going to rearrange all of the furniture in this room!”–and then sits down on a chair to yell out directions.

For real. Mom once wanted to buy a new car–one of those fantastic, big, black, luxury sedan mom boats. We brought her to the dealership. She said, “I’ll just stay in this car, you and Daddy go in and pick one for me.” We said, “It’s your CAR. Don’t you even want to test drive it?” She said, “Just get the black one. Make sure it has all the nice stuff in it.”

Six car dealership hours later, it was done. While waiting, my mom got hungry and asked us to buy her some lunch.

Cecilia Chang, former Dean of St. John's University

You may have heard about Cecilia Chang, the disgraced former Dean of St. John’s University, who was suspended and then fired earlier this year after being accused of embezzling $1 million from the school. Chang could now face additional prison time for Continue reading Disgraced Ex-Dean Cecilia Chang: Slave Lord Or Just Another Hardass Asian Mama?

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Somebody’s Already Sounding Like A Hardass Asian Padmama

March 15th, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

The first photo of Padma Lakshmi’s 3 week-old daughter, Krishna Thea–taken while mother and child were hangin’ on a park bench in NYC–has been revealed on Celebrity Baby Blog.

Celebrity Baby Blog also reports that Padma has said she’d be “delighted” if her daughter became a chef, “as long as she was a good one.”

Hear that, little baby Krishna? NO PRESSURE.

[Celebrity Baby Blog: Meet Krishna Thea Lakshmi!]

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Tiger Publicly Apologizes For Cheating, Athletes Everywhere Groan

February 19th, 2010 | 7 comments | Posted by Jen

Tiger Woods apologized today, ushering in a bizarre new era where professional athletes ask forgiveness for cheating on their wives not only from their wives but from the general public.

(Somewhere, Charles Barkley is driving his SUV drunk on the way to a blowjob, marveling at his own genius.)

To recap, Tiger said he:

  • has a lot to atone for
  • doesn’t get to play by different rules
  • brought shame to his family
  • wants to live a life of integrity
  • will become a better person by returning to Buddhism and by seeking more treatment and therapy

If that fails, Tiger can always tape this picture of his mother Kultida from the press conference (at the 6:00 mark) to a mirror, to scare his ass straight:

Continue reading Tiger Publicly Apologizes For Cheating, Athletes Everywhere Groan

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