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I have two male cousins that were born to and raised by the most intense woman I’ve ever met–my mom’s oldest sister. She’s my tough-as-nails, crazy-as-a-chicken, Hardass Asian Aunt and one Meanass Asian Mom. She probably thinks General McChrystal is a total pussy. Lady is intense.
In my aunt’s house, no drinks were consumed by children before their entire dinner (like a two-gallon bowl of Pho) was completely finished. Football games were not attended. Slumber parties were off limits. Piano was practiced at least two hours a day. The icing on the cake? No birthdays were celebrated, either. No parties, no presents, nothin’.
I always imagined that if I had grown up in that house, I would have spent most of my time huddled in my bedroom, pretending to study or folding my clothes. In my alone time I would’ve thrown myself countless imaginary birthday parties, given myself infinite imaginary gifts, blown out hundreds of imaginary birthday candles. Why? Because sometimes it’s nice to celebrate being alive.
Anyway, the moral of this story is… well, there is no moral. And, to be perfectly honest, my parents threw me lots of nice birthday parties, and as a result I have blown out A LOT of trick candles in my day. I didn’t have to throw myself imaginary parties. But that doesn’t mean I can’t give myself a birthday present, because dammit, it’s my birthday today! Woohoo!
And I give myself… LANCE:
Oh, I love him! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Diana!
Filed under: 4-year-old Lance plays 'What A Wonderful World' On Ukelele, Amazian Jr., Awesome Gifts, Birthday Presents, Birthdays, Celebrasians, Gen. McChrystal, Hardass Asian Aunts, Hardass Asian Moms, Imaginasian, Meanass Asian People, ukelele, What A Wonderful World
If I read another boo-hoo out of you (“Vogue, I can’t buh-lieve what uncool Angelina said in another magazine!” “EW, I can’t buh-lieve Vogue printed what I said about Angelina! It’s not like everybody’s slobbering in wait for me to breathe the word Ang–” “I’m the victim here!”) I promise that I will send each one of my overbearing, stubborn, outspoken aunts out to your house to hunt you down and give you a good old-fashioned Hardass Asian talking to.
Y’know. Like the kind you get when you’re getting divorced and they explain to you that you’ve suddenly made it everyone’s dishonor problem.
Y’know. Like when they tell you that your career goals of becoming an engineer are stupid and worthless, and that if you loved anybody but yourself, you would just go to medical school like your mother wanted you to.
Y’know. Like when they say that you should exercise more. Because you look fat.
They’re mean as hell. But they’re honest.
Trust me, at the end, you won’t feel pretty, you won’t feel cool, you won’t feel good about the fact that you’re still dating that cooz John Mayer–but you will understand (hopefully) that there’s no pride in airing your relationship dirty laundry through PR channels over the course of five years. That in order to maintain your dignity you’ve can’t cry out loud–just keep it inside, and hold your head up high, and make a goddamn good movie for Chrissake.
Please. Have a little pride.
Jen found this Fujiya & Miyagi music video on Buzzfeed last week and I have been obsessed with it ever since. First of all, I love the dope lo-fi synth track, but I’m also enthralled with the animated dice. Maybe it’s because dice remind me of gambling, and gambling reminds me of my aunts, and my aunts remind me of egg rolls, and I love egg rolls. Egg rolls are so delicious.
Just a theory.
Why in God’s name is my oldest, crankiest, meanest aunt stumping for McCain and Palin?? Is she even registered to vote? Also, I’ve only seen her wear cotton–where did she get this wooly mock turtleneck?
Jeezus, I’m related to another REPUBLICAN?? How did this happen?
So many questions. SO many questions.