You are currently browsing posts tagged with Gwen Stefani

When Losers Collide

July 7th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Roger Federer’s girlfriend Mirka Vavrinec, Gavin Rossdale, and Gwen Stefani at the Wimbledon men’s final, where Federer lost to Rafael Nadal 6-4, 6-4, 6-7, 6-7, 9-7.


MIRKA: O-kay. Time to regroup.

GAVIN: Bummer. I can’t believe my boy lost.

GWEN: Dude. I thought Roger was supposed to be, like, hella good.

MIRKA: There’s always the U.S. Open. No need to panic. (beat) Fuck. I need a donut.

GAVIN: Hey, look! Messages on my BlackBerry! I wonder who called. This could be exciting.

GWEN: Oh shit, I feel a fart coming on.

MIRKA: The ship’s not sinking. It feels like it’s sinking, but it’s not sinking. (beat) I want two donuts. One glazed, one with sprinkles.

GAVIN: (checking phone) It was just the nanny. Balls. It’s always the nanny. (beat) It’s so weird that no one’s called to get Bush back together again. I mean, we personified the mid-90′s. It was all about O.J., the Rachel haircut, and us, man.

GWEN: I wonder if anyone smelled that.

MIRKA: After I have a dozen donuts, I’ll feel much better. Then I’ll go shopping for diamonds. Then I’ll withhold sex from Roger until he shapes the fuck up. Then I’ll buy more designer sweatsuits. Maybe another ostrich handbag, too. Then I’ll walk on the treadmill for two minutes, and then I’ll have a couple more donuts. Then…dinner!

GAVIN: We could reunite at Coachella, like the Pixies. I mean, we’re just as good and we were way huger. We could start touring again, and go back in the studio, and I could write songs, and grow my hair out and make it wicked greazy like it used to be, and…you know, I wonder what it would be like to work for a living again. It’s been a while. (beat) Oh god. The thought is just too weird. Like, working every day? Sheesh! It sounds so…hard.

GWEN: I can’t believe Roger lost to that Spanish dude with the big ass. I didn’t come here to watch my so-called friend blow Wimble-ton. This is so freakin’ lame. Can I get outta here without anyone seeing me? Where are my big-ass sunglasses? I hope no one recognizes me, because that would be so humiliating. (beat) God, I hate losers.

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3 DISGRASIANs 1 Cup

January 4th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I suppose I should be thrilled to hear that Love, Music, and Baby–three of Gwen Stefani’s four enslaved Harajuku Girls–actually use other names and can speak pretty good English and even own clothes that don’t match! They’re people! They are free agents! They are people with minds and thoughts of their own! Holy shit, they can even squeal in horror while watching that “2 girls 1 cup” bullshizzzzzzZZZzzz…

But wait. Wait a minute. So they can speak for themselves, they can dress themselves, and they can read/hear/see/write/speak English damn hell well enough to know that their Geisha homage and ornamentalism is happening all across America just to fatten Stefani’s pockets? That they are contributing to a repulsive stereotype that we should be silent, decorative, wacky accessories? THEY KNOW THIS AND YET THEY CONTINUE TO DO SO? THEY SURE AS HELL BETTER HAVE STOCKHOLM SYDROME.

Thanks, jRu!

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It Could Be So Easy

November 16th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Oh Gwen, see what happens when you give your Harajuku slaves the night off?


You actually look kind of… fierce. And hot, for a gummy blonde with glazed-over eyes. And you force me to bite the bullet and admit those facts, which is difficult for me (because I loathe you), but something I’m willing to do IF YOU WILL JUST EMANCIPATE MY YELLOW FRIENDS AND END YOUR TYRANNY OF EXPLOITASIAN. WHY DO YOU PERPETUATE THE CONFLICT?? LET’S END THIS WAR!!!!!

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Gwen Caves to Muslasian Protesters

August 3rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

In a shocking response to Muslasian protesters who denounced her as obscene, indecent, and most of all, DISGRASIAN, the AP reports that Gwen Stefani has agreed to cover up her man-body and free the Harajuku Slaves from their cages.

On Thursday, after thousands of Muslasian protesters called for a cancellation of Stefani’s concert in Kuala Lumpur, Gwen freed her slaves and, according to a source close to the Madonna-wannabe, was overheard saying to them, “Fly, my little China dolls, be free.”

The Harajuku Slaves, whose real names are Jane Wong, Becca Fukuyoshi, Michelle Tran, and Heather Kusuhara, appeared traumatized by their three year-ordeal of indentured servitude to the Debbie Harry-ripoff when they appeared at the Kuala Lumpur airport together, perhaps for the last time. The four young women boarded separate planes back to the U.S., where, as Heather Kusuhara said, “We hope to resume normal lives. Like speaking in public. And not having to walk two steps behind a butch blonde girl at all times. And not dressing identically. Yeah, normal life will be great. We’ve been through a lot.” Kusuhara credited her faith in Jesus Christ as the thing that got her through the last three years. The other women declined comment.

Stefani also could not be reached for comment. The show’s sponsor, Maxis Communications, did relay the following message by email: “Gwen is busy buying fabric to make a bitchin’ burka for her show in Kuala Lumpur. She really loves and respects Muslasians, you know.”*

Stefani’s new steez

(*Most of this story is fabricated. Click here to follow the real saga of Muslasians hating Gwen.)

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(special thanks to Diana and Thomas–you’re both geniuses.)

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Gwen In Her Poop Pants

July 31st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

“Heeeey. Welcome to Sydney, Australia, where I’m on my world tour, raping young girls of their allowances on every continent. Where are my Harajuku Slaves? They’re in their cages resting for tonight’s show. I wish I had the luxury of resting for one minute, but as a working mother, I don’t. That’s why I was thrilled to discover these poop pants. Do you like? They’re perfect when I’m on the go and gotta go. And roomy enough to wear over an adult diaper. I personally am a Poise girl myself. Astronaut strength, baby!”

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Bad Influence

July 27th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Hmm, that’s bizarre. A tribe of matching Asian girls dancing mindlessly popped up in España band Dover’s video for “Keep On Moving.” I can’t imagine why.

Maybe they’ve been taking a cue from a little slaveholder somebody we know:

Just a thought!

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Original Gwen

July 19th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

ETonline.com reported this week that Gwen Stefani’s company Harajuku Lovers is suing Forever 21 for copyright infringement of a heart design used in the L.A.M.B. and Harajuku clothing lines.

Gwen, ever the example of originality, is seeking monetary damages as well as a production stop on Forever 21 items with the heart design.

Gwen would never copy someone else’s designs, she’s got wicked style all her own, right?

“I’ve got this wicked cool dot between my eyebrows… I’m Just a Girl with a Bindi!”

“YSL’s ‘Muse’ bag was simply my L.A.M.B. bag’s muse!”

“I am Frida be who I wanna be. Hollaback, girl!”

“I invented Rock Steady!”

“Once had style, and it was a gas. Soon turned out, copied Debbie’s ass.”

“Here’s the rub: You copy me, and I’ll blow your fuckin’ brains out.”

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Welcome to Dollywood, Love and Angel and Music and Baby!

July 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Huckleberry Toys just announced the Fall 2007 release official Gwen Stefani dolls–Series II, to happen this fall. In anticipation of the full launch, 150 limited-edition dolls will be sold at Comic-Con (DISGRASIAN will of course be in attendance), first-come, first-serve, at $100 bucks a pop.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

“Hell no, I’m not fucking kidding. Pay up!”

I mean, wow. What a steal.

I’m not sure how, but for some reason I missed the buying bonanza of the first series of Gwendolls. In an effort to rectify the situation this morning, I of course went to check out the goods.

To my delight, I discovered that there are multiple versions of Gwen: BANANAS Gwen, Old-School Gwen, Tick-Tock Gwen! Woohoo!

And to my surprise, I also realized that there are individual dolls of the four Harajuku Girls (yes I know, not-live doll versions of life-size alive dolls! Confusing but true!). The wave of panic ran over me– maybe we’ve been wrong the whole time. Maybe Gwen hasn’t exploited these nameless, faceless slaves, maybe they really are stars in their own right! Maybe she is a kind and generous soul, merely offering a launch pad for these incredible, unique individuals to have their own career. I mean, they each HAVE THEIR OWN, INDIVIDUAL, CUSTOM-DESIGNED DOLL. It’s mind blowing. Their parents should be proud.

So I began to place my order, for LOVE:

ANGEL:
MUSIC:
and BABY:

…only to realize that all four of these bitches have the same bodies and faces, with different makeup and accoutrement.

Tricky, Gwen, but you can’t fool DISGRASIAN.

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Kingston Rossdale Gets a New Manny

July 11th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Gwen Stefani’s evil spawn Kingston has a new Manny! Here is that hulking mass of butchitude holding him after a jaunt to Whole Foods:

At second glance, I realize that I mistook Gwen for a man. Oopsee!

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"L" is for Loser

June 14th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The first ads for Gwen Stefani’s perfume, L, have hit the web. You can pre-order the fragrance now, although I must warn you, it has top notes of poo and a heart of jasmine, peach blossom, and vomit.

“Why am I all wet? Cuz I stink. No, really…I reek.”

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Gwen Stefani Makes People Sick

June 1st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The state of New Joisey is all in a tizzy over underage drinking after 13 minors were hospitalized following–surprise!!–a GWEN STEFANI CONCERT. But I gotta ask, was it REALLY the alkeyhol that did those teens in? Or was it…

Gag

Barf

BLEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHH

Oh. God. I don’t feel so good. Overdosing on ricist imagery. Somebody call 911.

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Varsha and Gwen Should Get Together and Go Bowling

May 29th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Varsha Mahender Sabhnani (pictured above), and her husband, Mahender Murlidhar Sabhnani, both Long Island millionaires of Indonesian descent, were jailed last week after one of their two illegal Indonesian slaves was found wandering on the Gold Coast wearing only pants and a towel. Authorities suspect that she made a run for it while taking out the morning trash.

AP reports:

“Prosecutors said Thursday that Varsha Sabhnani’s mother, who lives in Indonesia, tried to make the case go away by bribing a son-in-law of one of the servants with the equivalent of $2,500. They also said Varsha Sabhnani had earlier told the other victim that her husband, who still lives in Indonesia, would be arrested unless she followed orders.”

Oh jesus. Enslaving our own? Offering bribes under 5k? It’s truly the devaluasian of human life. Disgraceful.

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