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I know, I know. It’s just a clothing line! Lighten up! And it’s so kawaii as the ads keep telling me, forcing the word on me like a pacifier to the lips of a crying, reluctant babe. (Wouldn’t be surprised if Gwen Stefani had tried to trademark the Japanese word for “cute” some time in the last 5 years or so. She’s already pretty much got “Harajuku”–the name of a Tokyo neighborhood–locked down legally.) And look, the Harajuku Mini for Target children’s clothes collection, which launches Sunday online and in stores, is “kawaii,” in a “What if a little panda cub who was part skater-punk threw up and it looked like lollipops and rainbows?” sorta way.
But, you know, I can forgive, but I can’t forget. Wait, who am I kidding? I can’t forgive either! Because when I see this ad plugging Gwen Stefani’s latest business venture…
…all I see is this:
Filed under: Bizarre Misappropriation of Asian Culture by Talentless White Girls, Children's Clothing, Clothing, Free the Harajuku Girls, Gwen Stefani, Harajuku Haters, Harajuku Lovers, Harajuku Mini for Target, Kawaii, Panda Vomit, Target, This is Bullshit
BRITNEY: Y’all, I can’t believe that opening night of this tour has gone on without an itch! I’m so excited, ladies, I wanna poop my pants!
DANCER (LEFT): Brit, I think what you mean is “off without a hitch.”
DANCER (RIGHT): Yeah, it’s definitely “hitch.”
BRITNEY: Wait, y’all sure? My mama always said without an “itch,” and that makes sense to me ’cause I would never want to get all itchy durin’ a show! Y’know?
DANCER (LEFT): Oh yeah! That makes sense. Maybe we’re wrong.
DANCER (RIGHT): Yeah, maybe we’re wrong. We’ll Wikipedia it later.
DANCER (RIGHT): Yeeeeeeeeup.
DANCER (LEFT): [cautiously] Girrrl!
BRITNEY: No, like the WHOLE THING.
DANCER (RIGHT): Hunh. I would’ve figured something more along the lines of fifteen minutes.
BRITNEY: Mmm. Well he works REALLY fast.
Filed under: Britney Spears, Britney Spears Comeback, Britney Spears Femme Fatale Tour, Britney Spears Scary, Gwen Stefani, Harajuku Girls, Japan, L.A.M.E., Racial Drag, Racial Drag That's Boring, Tsunami, Unflattering Footwear, World's Ugliest Kimono Minis, Zaldy Goco
“Ken, I am like, fully having soooo much fun in India! I’m so glad that I decided to wear my Indian vest and jean shorts to tonight’s gala. Remember when we bought this vest in New Mexico? I actually am kinda loving it right now.
Anyway, how much are you feeling this country? Everyone keeps saying sorry, sorry, sorry all the time. Who was it that was telling me that I should wear sorries for special parties? I didn’t know how to look sorry, so I just wore this old vest!
OMG, we have taken sooooo many awesome (three) pictures of all of the beautiful sights ( including ourselves at totally nondescript locations like the airport) here in this strange country!! Right?? I really kinda dig the hand b-b-bling, right? Look at this! It’s like somebody… drew all over my hand! I feel like they should, like, totally do this in America, cuz it looks so good on you no matter what size you are. Just like shoes and sweatpants. But I’m not sure about this bindi thing. I think it makes me look cross-eyed. Every time I look at it in the mirror I look cross-eyed.
Filed under: Ashlee Simpson, Bindis, Boring Peope, Gwen Stefani, Has-Beens, Idiots, India, Jessica Simpson, ken paves, Losing "It", Mom Bikinis, Racial Drag, Reality TV, Sublebrities, The Price Of Beauty
Thank you for taking Gwen Stefani off our hands this summer. And by off our hands, we mean touring with her and making a new album together, thereby preventing her from doing something foolish and godawful on her own, like parading around with her four matchy-matchy Harajuku Slaves or doing another solo record of lobotomizing tunage that serves no discernible purpose other than to fill the void during a 30-second timeout at a Laker game (some of which you’re responsible for, but let’s just pretend we don’t know that). You’re doing us–and, we like to think, the world–a HUGE solid.
Oh, and happy 39th birthday, too!
Jen and I
always read all of most of some of our mail. And we get it–sometimes, folks are not happy with all of the things we say. There are people who feel we’re too rough on Ann Curry (By the way: Seriously? It’s not like she isn‘t a robot). And there are those few remaining Gwen Stefani fans who wish we whouldn’t comment on her man-shoulders. There’s Tila Tequila, who likes our sense of humor (??!), but changes her mind once she sees we don’t believe she actually buys Chanel (or that she should exist).
Maybe y’all get mad sometimes. And you want to tell us. That’s cool, guys. That’s fine. That’s par for the course for two ladies pouring pitchers of Haterade.
But might I make one request: the next time you’re all worked up, huffy and puffy with your mouse clicking away and your little fingers tippity-tappity-ing against your keyboard, fueled by unsettled angst while composing an angry email to us–please remember what your Asian “ha ha” alternative might be if gals like us weren’t busy policing the Web:
Unless you’ve got a real hankering for “69 Photos of Asian Girls Posing,” all day, every day–in which case, DISGRASIAN is probably not the site for you. Please. Step. Away.
Four years on the musical slave plantasian has apparently not been kind to Gwen Stefani’s vocal cords.
The new No Doubt leaked release (a cover of Adam Ant’s “Stand and Deliver”) is shit. Absolute shit. I’ve tried to get through a complete listen–using a survival tactic often purposed for bad sex–by focusing on the image of Tony Kanal’s oh-so-pretty face and trying not to listen too hard to the slinkys that have apparently lodged themselves in Stefani’s larynx, but it’s not working at all. Is this No Doubt comeback reunion really going to work? Does the chick with the microphone even have the ability to make music without Japanese backup anymore?
It’s gonna take awhile to answer those questions. Somebody get me an Excedrin Migraine and a vibrator, stat.
Feel kinda weird about how AZNs are ‘winning’ everything. Used to think that they were sort of a ‘novelty race’ who were just trying to look kute, but I think I was focusing one the wrong ones that didn’t actually represent the majority of the AZN population [via Gwen Stefani's AZNs].
And inspires more disaffected dreck like this:
Still not satire. Still not funny. But definitely foolish.
Hey, did ya hear the good news? One of the Harajuku Slaves is free. She can be seen Thursday nights on MTV’s America’s Best Dance Crew with her fly b-girl group, Beat Freaks. As Lil’ Mama would say, they dance harrrd. As Shane Sparks would say, they rip it. As vest-wearing blowhard JC Chasez would say…oh, who cares what vest-wearing blowhard JC Chasez would say?!
You may know this Harajuku Slave as “Music.” Or that tall Harajuku Girl. Maybe you, like most people, never bothered to distinguish among the four of them and really look at their individual faces, bodies, dance styles, or personalities, because the Harajuku Slaves have always been dolled up in matching outfits and geisha makeup and forced to trail their blonde big-boned owner in silence and that was the point, really, that they were all supposed to look alike and be stripped of their individual identities and be referred to en masse as “The Harajuku Girls,” riiiiiiight?
Anyhoo, true to freed slave tradition, “Music” now has a real full name: Rino Nakasone-Razalan. And homegirl is hawt, even without geisha makeup, if you can imagine. And she’s got really dope moves. And she’s part of a female hip-hop dance group who’s inspiring girls all over the country that they can do anything boys can do, backwards and in heels.
Never mind that Rino was part of a hideous cultural phenomenon on par with “Love You Long Time” that will have Asian chicks for the next generasian fighting to be seen as real people with real names and real voices and distinct personalities and not just “Harajuku Girls.” Oh well, whatever, nevermind. Why nitpick on such a historic occasion? The point is, she’s free! Free at last, free at last, God Almighty, Rino Nakasone-Razalan is free at last!!!
I know what you’re gonna say when you read An Cafe‘s description of self:
THEY PLAY DANCEABLE ROCK MUSIC WITH HARAJUKU VIBE. THEIR UNIQUE DANCEABLE ROCK SOUND AND LIFE-SIZED LYRICS ARE EXTREMELY POPULAR AMONG YOUNG KIDS IN JAPAN. AN CAFE IS WIDELY ACCEPTED NOT JUST BY VISUAL-KEI FANS BUT ALSO BY THE J-POP FANS. ATTRACTING THEM WITH POP SOUNDS, ENTERTAINING LIVE SET AND FURTHER MORE WITH THEIR UNIQUE CHARACTERS.
That’s either a total fucking mess or the exact source that Gwen Stefani ripped off for her solo project, right? Leaning more towards “total mess!”
But y’all, I’m mesmerized by An Cafe.
This. Is what. My Dreams. Look like.
Gwen Stefani’s ska-pop launching pad, No Doubt, has announced an official reunion tour (via an unlikely iChat conversation) on their official website.
That’s good news for those of us who holiday-skanked to “Oi to the World” during the mid-nineties, cry whenever they listen to the lyrics of “Bathwater,” have a crush on Tony Kanal, or are willing to forgive a band of Orange County brats that traveled to the islands, messed around with a few steel drums, emerged with a record splattered with grafitti font, and called the whole damn thing Rock Steady as if it could embody the spirit of a whole genre. Good news. Great news!
But bad news indeed for a couple of silent Harajuku Girls, who, now out of work, might finally have a reason to look so glum:
In what has become a grand tradition of trying to make immodest musical performers (like Gwen and Beyonce) bow down in fully-clothed, booty-not-shakin’ fashion, the Islamic opposition party of Malaysia has turned its efforts towards banning an Avril Lavigne performance set for August 29 in Kuala Lumpur.
“‘It is considered too sexy for us. … It’s not good for viewers in Malaysia,’ party official Kamarulzaman Mohamed said. ‘We don’t want our people, our teenagers, influenced by their performance. We want clean artists, artists that are good role models.’ Kamarulzaman sent protest letters to the Culture, Arts and Heritage Ministry and Kuala Lumpur’s mayor last week, calling for the concert to be canceled.”
We’ve banned Ms. Lavigne–from, well, our lives, basically–for a number of reasons:
1) Her Mandarin sucks
2) Too short
3) Diana hates poseurs more than hippies (which is saying something)
4) Homegirl is probably a plagiarist
5) “Skater” is not spelled, “sk8ter” in our book, which is the only book we care about
6) She’s really, super, creepily short
7) Stupid eyeliner
8) Dear God is she little
Anyway, NONE OF THESE ITEMS involve her being too sexy.
We just. Don’t. See it. We just don’t.
Filed under: Avril Lavigne, Avril Lavigne Malaysia, Beyonce Knowles, Gwen Stefani, Huh?, Midgets, Muslasians Hate Avril, She's Too Sexy For Her Kohl Eyeliner and Clothing Line?, Weird Malaysian Behavior
Hmm…perhaps Miley Cyrus really is a Harajuku Lover. Compare the photo of Miley taken yesterday on the Malibu set of her Hannah Montana movie with the photo of one of the Harajuku Girls winding it up at the 2006 American Music Awards:
Filed under: Disney, Free the Harajuku Girls, Gwen Stefani, Hannah Montana, Harajuku Haters, Harajuku Lovers, Malibu, Miley Cyrus, Racial Drag, Transformasian, Turning Japanese, White Girl's Overbite, Wind It Up