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Happy birthday to His Awesomeness, Slash, an esteemed honorasian who turns 45 tomorrow. Like many mythical creatures, Slash is practically ageless, timeless, and as mysteriously cool as when he first started rocking faces off at Madame Wong’s in ’84.
He will always be an inspirasian to us! We hope those hot fingers get a rest from axe-rocking, just for one day, so that Slash can celebrate the big 4-5 properly–with both fists wrapped around vodka bottles.
Filed under: Agelessness, Awesomeness, Birthdays, Guitar Gods, Guns N' Roses, Honorasians, Inspirasian, Madame Wong's, Middle Age, Mythical Creatures, People Whose Faces Can't Be Seen And Therefore Reveal Nothing, Saul Hudson, Slash, Velvet Revolver
We’ve never really wronged you, dude. We listened to, and didn’t shit all over, your most-expensive-album-of-all-time Chinese Democracy, which in the words of our friend Colin, “came and went like a whisper” (and truth be told, we don’t think was worth the $$$). We have spent countless hours discussing your meteoric rise in the 1980s: that magnificent freshman opus–our longtime lover, Appetite for Destruction–you helped unleash upon the world, Mike Clink’s capture of lightning in a fucking bottle, the album that forever changed the lives of everyone we know that owned a Walkman in 1987.
We tend to gloss over the fact that you’re an angry, violent man, whose porcelain skin (so luminescent and alluring in your youth) just looks so pasty and creepy on an aging rager in his forties. We forgive the fact that you can’t look like that (see your yummy former self, right) forever. We’re psyched for you that you’re no longer dressing like an umpire, teaching Stephanie Seymour lessons with your fists, or dragging hundreds of people into the studio for two decades while you try to revitalize your rockstar dick.
In short, we haven’t started any beef witchu.
So why are you getting all up in our business? Why do I feel your crazy braids all tangled up in DISGRASIAN’S grill? And by that I mean, why are you attacking the presence of GNR songs–that have brought us so much joy and thrills of achievement–in our favorite game of life, Guitar Hero? DO YOU REALIZE that as we slay Slash’s solos on “Welcome to the Jungle,” we feel our blood racing as if we’re 20-year old boys laying out our musical guts in front of an arena full of followers? DO YOU REALIZE that when we split up the parts on “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” we feel like we are actually playing in the real, magnificent, ’87-era GNR with our best friend at our side? DO YOU REALIZE that these experiences may be the happiest ones we have ever felt or will feel?
Stop being a pathetic asshole and leave a little dignity in your sad, tired band’s legacy. And don’t start fronting with us, or we will begin going to fucking town on you.
In an article Monday headlined “American band releases album venomously attacking China,” the Global Times said unidentified Chinese Internet users had described the album as part of a plot by some in the West to “grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn.” The album “turns its spear point on China,” the article said.
I’m no fan of the title, and as many of you remember, not even really one of the first single. But let’s slow down a bit here… should anyone really be giving credit to this guy:
…as any kind of figurehead for the West? Perhaps we should leave that distinction to someone who hasn’t yet forayed into hair-plugs, domestic violence, or general delinquency:
…and doesn’t need fifteen years to make a statement.
Ladies and Gentlemen…
At long last, the first song from the long-awaited (although we’re not sure how much-anticipated) new Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy is here. Idolator tipped us off to this streaming download:
…and we, like many others, have given it a few listens. Here’s our take, the track has legitimately Slash-y axework, it features Axl-squeal-voice and tough-guy-Axl-voice, and–AND submits the words “nation” and “masturbation” in one lyrical breath. Wow. We mean… WOW.
Okay, so it’s clear that these sexy bitches are no longer the men we’re rocking to…