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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Today Is The Day Of The Death Of Dreams

July 8th, 2011 | 6 comments | Posted by Jen

A little part of me died today when two things came to an end: the space shuttle program, and the NBA career of Yao Ming.

For a Chinese American girl who grew up in Houston, had a dad who worked for NASA, and who watched basketball religiously–I first developed a taste for the game at church camp, in fact, the summer of ’86, when a big-screen TV got rolled out after evening services so we could watch the NBA Finals, Rockets versus Celtics–today’s a day of mourning.

In my grief, I recognize a weird symmetry to both of these events happening on the same day. The space shuttle Atlantis takes final flight, Yao’s grounded by injuries to his feet and ankles. It’s a perfect, Greek symmetry: Atlantis sank into the ocean, Achilles had a heel.

As a physicist’s daughter, I suppose I should know that gravity always wins, but it’s easy to forget about the physics of things when you witness something happen in your lifetime that you’d wished for and dreamed of but never thought would come true.

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Later, Lakers

May 11th, 2011 | 1 comment | Posted by Diana

Today, the great Phil Jackson announced that he has completed his final season at the helm of the Lakers. In a press conference held so that the man who has won 2 NBA championships as a player and 11 as a coach could properly bid farewell to LA fakers fans, he talked about pursuing adventures outside the NBA:

“That’s always something to get over. But one of the things I watch in my days with my coaches was there was a point, and I’m about at that point, where you either move on or stay in it, you never break away from it and it becomes the rest of your life. I always kind of thought that I’d like to do something beyond just the basketball coaching.”

For those of you how don’t speak bball, I offer you this translasian:

“I am so EFFIN SICK of sneaker squeak and 7-foot-tall children and buzzers and fluorescent lights. I’m tall. I’m rich. I rule. Time to kick it in Lake Cuomo with Clooney, know what I mean?”

He also talked briefly about his less-than-ideal swan song with the team, a second-round shutout by the Dallas Mavs:

“I’m always relieved when a season’s over,” he said. “This team just had an ability to get in a funk and not be able to resurge and find a common thread and turn things around. I never really had a team like that that couldn’t make adjustments and learn from mistakes.”

TRANSLASIAN:

“We got SWEPT by DALLAS, dude. WT fuckin F! I can’t deal with these dicks or this kind of shame ever again.”

[ESPN: No plans to return for Phil Jackson]

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WE NEED GIANT ROBOT!

February 3rd, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Diana

Hands down, the coolest thing ever to happen to Yellow people’s pop culture is Giant Robot Magazine.


Think of it this way: On this day 16 years ago, there was no glossy print publicasian featuring rising Asian/Asian American artists or filmmakers or writers or toymakers or skaters or bands. There were not yet hilarious Asian YouTube Stars, no awesome slant-eyed bloggers. Asian and Asian American pop culture certainly existed–but most of us couldn’t touch it, taste it or claim it.

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Goodbye Panda

December 4th, 2009 | 1 comment | Posted by Diana

Tai Shan, the panda Americans have watched with awe since his 2005 birth at the National Zoo in Washington D.C., is going home. On loan from China, Tai Shan was allowed to stay at the Zoo for two and a half years longer than originally agreed upon–but now he must head to his native soil to enter into the main breeding program at the Beifengxia base in Sichuan.

Saying "baibai" to Tai Shan

Baibai, Tai Shan

Sad, but neccesary. Let’s just hope that China doesn’t call in any of our other debts. [quivers]

[AFP: Tough To Bear -Washington Loses Panda Cub To China]

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Delasianal

January 16th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Well gosh, when you put it the way Dubya does…

Our Nation is safer than it was seven years ago.
*And awesomer. And neato-bedeato-er!”

…the country actually sounds like it’s doing GREAT!!! Woo hoo!

*Not actual text of George W. Bush’s farewell address

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RIP Yves Saint Laurent

June 2nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

The world bid adieu to fashion icon, feminist, pioneer, and artist Yves Saint Laurent, aged 71, this weekend. In light of the news, our day has surely lost a bit of its color–but Saint Laurent never feared change, and this is perhaps merely change, so we will follow suit.

Goodbye, beautiful, bold friend!

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American Bye-dol

April 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Poor Ramiele Malubay. We hardly knew ye…

…or could see ye.

Farewell, our little boob-grabbin’ Pinaysian sensasian!

Source: Fox

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R.I.P. Honorasian Norman Mailer

November 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Goodbye to you, Mr. Mailer. You were a hothead, a crazy, and a brilliant voice. We wish we had your ‘nards and your gifts, and believe with pride that you went down fighting. Here’s hoping you’re giving somebody a world of word trouble somewhere in the sky.

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Aloha Means Hello, Goodbye, and Have a Ciggie Butt

August 29th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Hawaii tourism officials worried about the decline in Japanese tourists since adopting strict no-smoking laws last year have drummed up a new campaign for these visitors: “Smoking with Aloha.”

So far, 40,000 personal ashtrays have been made and distributed along with instructions in Japanese on where you can smoke on the islands.

Many locals are outraged that smoking has become associated with Aloha spirit, which got me to wondering what other kinds of things one can do “with Aloha.”

You have your basic, instructional-type Aloha:

Your hobbyist Aloha:

Your wanderlust Aloha:

Your synthetic materials Aloha:

Your all-encompassing Aloha:

And, finally, my personal favorite, your bringin’ sexyback Aloha:

Feeling a little inALOHAdequate after that? Me too.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Summer Vacasian Edition

August 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Vacasian All I Ever Wanted, Vacasian Had to Get Away

August must be the month when DISGRASIANS go on vacasian. Perhaps they can’t stand the heat. Earlier today, Diana and I discussed at length who our DOTW should be, and we were left scratching our heads.

My dad, who is a physics professor, always stressed the importance of math to one’s critical thinking. It was a bummer as a third-grader, when I was doing geometry workbooks and giving book reports on what I read in Scientific American over what seemed like an awfully short summer vacasian. But, in life, it’s come in pretty handy. So Diana and I decided to get out our No. 2 pencils and use deductive reasoning to find our DOTW.

Q: What is the most disgraceful thing happening on the planet?

A: Darfur. Iraq.

Q: Who is responsible for the most disgraceful thing happening on the planet?

A: The Sudanese government. President Bush.

Okay, let’s focus on what’s happening in our own backyard.

Q: Who is responsible for President Bush?

A: Turd Blossom.

And that’s how we “problematized” our DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK. Like everyone else, we’re not buying the “I want to spend more time with my family” horseshit, and we’re sure we haven’t seen the last of Karl Rove’s White Man’s Puff. So let’s enjoy this little summer vacasian while it lasts.

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Let This Be a Lesson to Cokeheads and Bell-Bottom Pant-Wearers the World Over

May 10th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

LaKisha Jones (a badassss blaxploitasian name if I ever heard one) said goodbye to American Idol last night, but not before singing “Stayin’ Alive” and high-fiving this adorable Asian nerd.
I have to admit, I got a little teary during LaKisha’s farewell. I think I was probably suffering from PTSD after seeing Barry Gibb sing “To Love Somebody.”

Ravaged by Disco

Holy Mother of Barry. Is that really you, Gibby? Aren’t you a quadrillionaire? How expensive these days are upper lips, hair plugs, and opaque shirts that hide your gut and your sad, old nipples? I…I…

I gotta go put on the Chambers Brothers version of “To Love Somebody” to exorcise this memory. Or the Nina Simone version. Or the Billy Corgan version even. Shit, I’ll listen to Michael Fucking Bolton to numb the pain.

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Source: Fox

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