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Tiger Publicly Apologizes For Cheating, Athletes Everywhere Groan
Tiger Woods apologized today, ushering in a bizarre new era where professional athletes ask forgiveness for cheating on their wives not only from their wives but from the general public.
(Somewhere, Charles Barkley is driving his SUV drunk on the way to a blowjob, marveling at his own genius.)
To recap, Tiger said he:
- has a lot to atone for
- doesn’t get to play by different rules
- brought shame to his family
- wants to live a life of integrity
- will become a better person by returning to Buddhism and by seeking more treatment and therapy
If that fails, Tiger can always tape this picture of his mother Kultida from the press conference (at the 6:00 mark) to a mirror, to scare his ass straight:
Continue reading Tiger Publicly Apologizes For Cheating, Athletes Everywhere Groan
Filed under: Apologies, Atonement, Elin Nordegren, Golf, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Kultida Woods, Public Apologies, Public Shaming, The PGA Tour, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Apologizes, Tiger Woods Apology, Tiger Woods Sex Scandals
SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Tiger Woods To Issue A Public Apology
After expressing regret for his “transgressions” in a written statement in December but maintaining that “(p)ersonal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions,” Tiger Woods is set to eat his words on Friday, when he plans to issue a public apology in front of a small group of friends, colleagues, and reporters in Florida.
Which is nothing short of historic. I mean, have you ever heard of a professional athlete apologizing for being a dog and having sex with women other than his wife? (Somewhere, Michael Jordan is laughing his ass off at a blackjack table.) Isn’t that the sort of behavior we’ve come to expect from athletes like Tiger, the sort of behavior that, in fact, we not-so-secretly relish about them, that they aren’t physically bound by the same laws that we civilians are, both on the playing field and in their pants? (Somewhere, Wilt Chamberlain, layer of 20,000 women, is rolling over in his grave.)
Let’s think about this for a second.
Continue reading SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Tiger Woods To Issue A Public Apology
Filed under: Caublinasians, Contrition, Elin Nordegren, Golf, Mixed People, PR Moves, Sexting, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Public Apology, Tiger Woods Sex Scandal, Tiger Woods to Apologize, Who Knew Golf Could Get You Laid?
DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Tiger Woods
Did too many of Tiger’s low-rent mistresses rise up to tell their tales? Did enough of his sponsors threaten to drop him? We’ll never know. But one of the world’s greatest atheletes has decided to step away from professional golf to focus, finally, on the shit circus that is his life:
Time to think about who counts.
From Tiger Wood’s official site:
I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.
I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What’s most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.
After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.
Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.
Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Tiger Woods
Filed under: Affairs, Apologies, Dayum, Detroying Your Family, Disrespecting Your Wife, Fucking Around, Fuckups, Golf, Hiatus, Homewrecks, Indefinite Hiatus, Infidelity, Life As A Circus, Low-rentitude, Mistresses, Never the Same, Professional Athletes, Sadness, Tiger Woods, Whoopsieeee
AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! LPGA Tour Champion Michelle Wie
Name: Michelle Wie
Age: 20
Occupation: Student and pro golfer
After becoming the youngest player to qualify for an LPGA tour event at age 12 and turning pro at 16, only to have her career declared “over” by age 18, Michelle Wie’s finally won her first LPGA tour title. Wieeeeeeeeeee!
We’ve been tough on Michelle Wie in the past, particularly when she became better known for her bratty tournament shenanigans than her game, but her win this weekend at the Lorena Ochoa Invitational suggests that the former child prodigy who always wanted to compete with men may have grown up and sacked up over the last few years. Certainly what Wie had to say after her win can be taken as a good sign:
“I think that hopefully life will be a lot better (after this), but I still have a lot of work to do.”
“I still have a lot of work to do”…that’s music to our Hardass Asian Ears!
[AP: At long last, Michelle Wie gets 1st LPGA Tour win]
Filed under: Asian Golfers, Golf, Growing Up, Hardass Asian Expectations, Hawaiians, Korean-Americans, Michelle Wie, Michelle Wie First LGPA Win, Michelle Wie Wins, Punahou School Alumni, Stanford, Winners
SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Tiger’s Back
Tiger Woods returned to golf this week after knee surgery and an 8-month absence. Despite being dispatched in the 2nd round of the Accenture Match Play Championship today, his fellow competitors have to be shitting in their golf pants. This new Nike commercial probably sums up their feelings:
But look on the bright side, golfers-who-aren’t-Tiger. With Tiger back, people actually think golf is a sport again!
Filed under: Anthony Kim, Asian Golfers, Golf, Golf Is a Sport, Golf Pants, Nike, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Nike Commercial, Tiger Woods Returns
AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Eugene Kang
Name: Eugene Kang
Hails from: Ann Arbor, Michigan
Occupation: Special Assistant to President Obama
We don’t know what makes us like Kang more: that he showed his inclination towards overachieving early on by running for office at the tender age of 21, golfs with President-elect Obama, or is wonderful to look at and as funky fresh as this fall/winter’s A.P.C. catalogue.
It doesn’t matter what tips us over the edge; the fact that Kang is amazian goes without question. We just hope he waves at us when he’s celebrating Obama’s Inauguration tomorrow afternoon–we’ll be looking for him from the standing area!
Filed under: A.P.C., Eugene Kang, Golf, Obama's Cabinet, Overachievers, President Barack Obama, Presidential Inauguration, Rad Jobs, Special Assistant to the President
SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: The LPGA Backs Off Ricist "English-Only" Policy
The LPGA has scrapped its plan to suspend players who don’t pass an oral English exam, after protests from sponsors, athletes, Asian-American groups, and California State Senator Leland Yee (pictured right). According to Bloomberg, the LPGA has 121 international players from 26 countries, including 45 South Koreans. The English-only policy was considered to be targeting Asians, who have won 7 out of 24 events this year.
I’m glad the LPGA has come to its senses. Frankly, if Senator Yee were giving me that Hardass Evil Eye, I would, too! I’d also make straight A’s on my next report card, wear modest clothing, become a violin virtuoso, respect my elders, go to Chinese school every Saturday, and never have sex!
Filed under: Asian Golfers, Chinese School, Discriminatory Policies, English Only, Golf, Golfers, Hardass Asian Legislators, Leland Yee, Report Cards, Ricism, Sex, The Evil Eye, The LPGA Tour, Violin Virtuousos
No Longer a Wie Lass
We suppose you can’t fault Michelle Wie for being ambitious. Coming off a much-discussed disqualificasian for not signing her scorecard at the State Farm Classic Saturday, the 18 year-old golfer will be playing with the big boys next week in the Legends Reno-Tahoe Open. It will be Michelle’s eighth time playing on the PGA Tour.
Frankly, we’re worried. A year ago, after she bailed on a few tournaments, we wondered if Michelle wasn’t fast becoming the Anna Kournikova of golf. A whole lotta sizzle but no steak. And now that she’s an adult, no one’s impressed anymore by her merely showing up. We love to see a woman competing against men, but girlfriend’s got to brang it. Otherwise, it’s just another tired old–yes, old–bid for attention.
Filed under: Anna Kournikova, Child Prodigies, Golf, Golfers, Growing Up, Michelle Wie, Playing with the Big Boys, Sack Up, The LPGA Tour, The PGA Tour
BABEWATCH: Anthony Kim
Name: Anthony Kim
Hails from: California
Occupation: Professional golfer
Why He’s a Babe: First off, have you ogled those crazy-ripped arms of his? Can golf really make you look that good? Also, after winning the Wachovia Championship this past weekend, making Kim the youngest player to win a PGA tourney in 6 years, the 22 year-old golfer has been heralded as “the next big swing” and a possible rival to golf’s untouchablasian, Tiger Woods. And even though we know shiznit about golf, we think that’s hot.
Filed under: Anthony Kim, Babes, Californiasians, Golf, Hardass Asian Parents' Wet Dreams, Muscles, Schwing, The Next Big Swing
How Loose Is Your Noose?
Joke fodder.
During their usual post-round banter as they wrapped up Day 2 at the Plantation Course at Kapalua, Tilghman and cohort Nick Faldo discussed young players who could possibly challenge Tiger. Faldo, ever the joker, said perhaps the youngsters should “gang up (on Tiger) for a while.” The pair laughed a bit before Tilghman responded by saying, “Lynch him in a back alley.” The pair chuckled awkwardly before moving on.
Uh, sister, I don’t care how much you apologize. There’s no such thing as a lynching joke.
But if you’re running low on material next time, say something more like, “folks should just go Hiroshima on his ass, ’til his skin peels off and he can’t golf anymore!”
Yuk, yuk, yuk!
Filed under: Golf, Lynchings, Pretentious Sorority Girls, This is Bullshit, Tiger Woods, Unfunny Stuff
BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!
Happy 18th birthday, Michelle Wie! We know we’ve been a little tough on you in the past, but hey, you’re a superstar and you can take it.
OMG, we just realized that you’re a superstar and you’ve only just turned 18 and you’ve got no worry creases or laugh lines or drinker’s pooch or nicotine stains on your teeth yet, just a career and millions of dollars and the limit of the sky. Ugh. We feel nauseous. We feel old. We feel jealous. We hate you all over again.
Filed under: Birthdays, Golf, Jealousy, Legalizasian, Michelle Wie, Resenting the Young, Sports, We're Not Too Old to Party
DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK!
Normally, Diana and I are above disgracing children. Child prodigies, in particular, because, first of all, we love a prodigy and wish we had been one ourselves, and second, it’s clear that they already have enough pressure in their lives, especially if you throw in a Hardass Asian Parent or two. But Michelle Wie is three months shy of 18, so we’ve decided to try her ass as an adult.
Kidding! We’re not totally heartless. But, in light of recent events, we feel that what Michelle really needs is some big sisterly tough-love.
Dear Michelle,
You’re talented, smart, and gorgeous. If we were the same age, or in the same town, or chugging beers at the same Stanford keg party, I would hate you. Daggers would be shooting from my slanty eyes in your lofty direction. Thank goodness I’m four years older than you. Okay, maybe a little older. Alright, a lot–but I digress.
Last weekend, when you pulled out of the U.S. Women’s Open after sucking all over the green, citing a wrist injury, the media was not so kind. Here’s a glimpse of some of the headlines I read after your withdrawal:
“Wie and Adu: Has-beens before their prime?”
“Wie’s woes: the year from hell”
“Do they learn nothing from sad decline of Wie?”
“What Is Michelle Wie Doing Out There?”
Ouchers. Why is everyone so pissed at you, you wonder? Allow me to introduce a timeline.
2002-2004 – You become the youngest player to qualify for an LPGA event, the youngest player to make the cut at an LPGA event, and the youngest player to play in a PGA event with the big boys. Ah, first love.
2005 – Is a banner year. You turn pro, place second at the LPGA Championship, and Nike throws millions at you. Life is, like, so rad!
2006 – In July, you play with the boys in the PGA John Deere Classic, but withdraw after the 9th hole, citing heat exhaustion. But was it the heat that got to you, or the fact that you weren’t going to make the cut? Either you were really dehydrated or a really huge drama queen, but you’re taken off the course on a stretcher.
By the end of 2006, according to Wikipedia, you’ve “missed the cut in 11 out of 12 tries against men, and remained winless in all 33 professional women’s tournaments” that you entered.
But who cares about all that golf nonsense when Forbes ranks you 74th out of 100 Top Celebutards, and your earnings reach $17 mil, one milsky for each year of your young life?
2007 – You take four months off because of wrist injuries. Is this from too much texting, perhaps? Or too much time counting your millions? You return from rehabbing to play in the LPGA’s Ginn Tribute, a tournament hosted by Annika Sorenstam. But then you suck all over the place, shooting 14 over-par through 16 holes, and withdraw, saying you “tweaked” your wrist again. You’re seen practicing, however, two days later, prompting Annika to say that your withdrawal showed “a lack of class.” You refuse to apologize.
“Bring it, bitch!“Um, Bad Idea Jeans.
For the U.S. Women’s Open, the second tournament you play in since the Sorenstam debacle, a 12 year-old upstart named Alexis Thompson qualifies.
“I’m cute!“While you withdraw from the tournament because of your wrists, 8 Korean golfers make it to the top 10 of the tourney. “Seoul Sister” Angela Park places second, and, in action, kind of looks like…
…well, never mind.
Sports writers declare that you are over at 17, and, worse, that they’re “rooting against” you.
Here’s where DISGRASIAN’s big sisterly advice comes in. Take the summer off and build up those wrists again. Do not go to events unrelated to golf–focusing on your looks instead of your game is a career killer (just ask Anna Kournikova).
“Oh My Gaw. Just what I needed…a free watch!“
Go to Stanford. Rush a sorority or something (I can’t believe I just wrote that). Drink too much Hitachino White Ale or, um, whatever the young ones are drinking these days. Instead of competing with boys, make out with a few. Girls, too. There’s nothing quite like a lesbian lip-lock to defuse a bitchfight. Practice your ass off when no one’s looking.
wishing you love, flowers, and birdies,
Jen and Diana
Filed under: Annika Sorenstam, Bitch Fights, Child Prodigies, Golf, Michelle Wie, Sistahood, Tough Love
