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As some of you know, our site was down yesterday.
And unlike most Monday mornings, where the most disturbing thing greeting us first thing is our weekend hangovers, there was so much bad shit going on in the world.
In other words, so much bad shit to blog about.
There was the ongoing tragedy taking place on Twitter, enacted by randos and well-known players alike–50 Cent, Gilbert Gottfried, the WNBA’s Cappie Poindexter, Family Guy writer Alec Sulkin–that made fun of the ongoing tragedy in Japan.
And, of course, there were also those two viral videos. The one about Asians in the library from UCLA student Alexandra Wallace, and the one about God punishing Japan with the earthquake because it’s a country of atheists (which has since been revealed as a hoax and the work of a troll).
Like we said: SO MUCH BAD SHIT.
So how, in a moment like this, could the Internet betray us and leave us without a forum to air out our grievances? Normally, we’d blame evil gnomes–which a friend suggested look exactly like Arcade Fire–but this was different. This was bigger.
Filed under: Alexandra Wallace, Asians In The Library, Assholes, Cheesedicks, Ching Ching Ling Long Ting Tong, Chinglish, Dickburgers, Dickfaces, Dumbasses, Earthquake, Gnomes, God Is So Good, Hangovers, Idiots, Internet Memes, Japan, Racists, Trolls, Tsunami, Twitter, UCLA, YouTube
DIANA: We don’t really talk much about the Olsen twins.
JEN: Wait, wait… it’s just “the Olsens” now. Silent “twins.”
DIANA: Right. We don’t talk about those dudes.
JEN: What’s there to say? They’re midgets, they’re probably still anorexic, they hate smiling with teeth, they have poor posture, they love coffee-to-go and fashion shows, it’s a wonder that they don’t ever topple over in those Balenciaga platforms.
DIANA: So they don’t bother you at all?
JEN: Hold on a minute. You know midgets scare me.
DIANA: That’s true.
JEN: But I do love me some Balenciaga.
DIANA: True! But they don’t really do anything. Besides go to lunch and grease up their hair and drink Venti drips from Starbucks, that is.
JEN: That Venti cup is so gauche. Who needs that much of a beverage? Ugh. That shit disgusts me.
DIANA: So we hate them?
JEN: I mean, I kinda nothing them. They do nothing. They nothing me.
DIANA: You did look kinda cute when you dressed up as Mary-Kate for Halloween.
JEN: I’m cute, though. It wasn’t the costume.
DIANA: Right. Y’know, MK has really improved with the slight weight gain. She’s look less like a homely skeleton freak show and more like a garden gnome these days.
JEN: You always did like Ashley better.
DIANA: She seemed more, y’know, together. More so than Mary-Kate at least [Makes cuckoo motion with finger around right ear]. But I’m coming around. I might even be starting to feel half-positive feelings for Mary-Kate.
[Diana shrugs shoulders]
JEN: [clicks on new paparazzi photo of MK leaving a West Village restaurant] Oh. Girl. Backtrack a bit. The gnome is rocking a little dragon lady racial drag underneath her fur.
DIANA: [Gasps] Fur and Racial Drag! A Double whammy! She should be shot.
JEN: Like that animal she’s wearing was.
DIANA: Don’t make me puke.
JEN: So MK makes our hitlist today. Thanks to the paparazzi photo.
DIANA: Tell me again why people take this girl’s picture?