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Off Her Record

October 10th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Britney Spears, under the lock-down advisory of her beloved pops, has essentially cleaned up her act. There have been no cracked-out visits accompanied by the paparazzi to her local Jack-in-the-Box, no eruptions of violence on any automobiles, no party-kill moments of rejection at the entrance of the Four Seasons, no head shavings, no marriages, no divorces, no pregnancies. All in all, this is a very good time for the former pop princess. Relatively speaking.

She remains, however, a kind of tragic mystery. We love that she’s shaping up and getting her life together and recording music and all of that stuff, but do we expect a grand comeback? Not really. The real question is: Does she? Does she?

You’ve really gotta wonder why she even wants the spotlight anywhere near her overexposed puss at this point–though fame hath giveth her so much, it clearly taketh so much more away. And it shows. Among the cameras ever at Brit’s side for the last few months has been an MTV documentary lens, collecting intimate footage of the troubled celebrity through the process of stacking her life back together. The project, currently titled For the Record, seems a half-hearted attempt for her to set the record straight, and prove to the world that she’s not really as fragmented, sad, poorly-raised, and uncouth as she might seem. (Remember how well that worked the first time?)

It’s too hard to tell at this point exactly what proof is in the poorly-shot pudding. But we’ll see.

At the close of Record‘s trailer, Britney says: ” I sit there and I’ll look back and I’m like: I’m a smart person. What the hell was I thinking?”

Thing is, if she was actually a smart person, she would have stopped talking to cameras by now.

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July 7th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

We’d kinda assumed that six-time winner Takeru Kobayashi’s dismal loss to Corey Chestnut in last year’s Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest was a fluke.

In our collective imaginasian, Kobayashi walked away from that humiliating loss with a Batman-like commitment: to do everything he could, even if it meant killing himself trying, to make his next contest a victorious one. Not one to settle for #2 twice, he surely ran-not-walked directly home and checked himself into an intense 364-day training camp: 25-dog Tuesdays (for speed training), 75-dog Wednesdays (for endurance), soy-dog Wednesdays (for variety), three hours of morning stomach stretches, 32,000 calories-worth of daily cardio, evening shove-and-swallow drills, and a nightly regimen of anti-cholesterol pills. He didn’t talk to friends or family in all of that time. He barely saw daylight and spent his free time in a dark retreat, decorated only with abstract art depictions of hot dogs, buns, and condiments.

The newly-improved Kobayashi that would step on the stage on July 4, 2008–a year later, a world wiser–would be a changed man, a superman possibly, one whose stomach was more flexible than a Romanian gymnast and jaw looser than a sorority girl in San Diego.


But, every once in a rare while, we’re not right about these things–Kobayashi lost the battle for the second year in a row (to his credit, he did so in a five-dog OT). He did not, as we had hoped, “crush Joey’s chestnuts”… but he tried his hardest. He tried his fucking hardest and we truly, truly believe that.

Unfortunately, we’re Asian, and don’t give two shits about “trying.” We’re totally ashamed of him and think he’s a LOSER!

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