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[Ed. note--this post was written in advance of the tragic shooting that occurred on Saturday, Jan. 8 in Arizona. Our thoughts go out to those affected by those events.]
We talked a lot in the closing months of last year how 2010 was BALLS. And you know why it was balls? Because it was a year ruled by DICKS. Dickheads, dickweeds, dickwads, dicktwits, dickfaces, cheesedicks, needledicks, pencil dicks, limp dicks, and a various assortment of Dick Tracies, seemed to poke their, ahem, heads out from all sides. It was actually hard to come up with only 10 Dicks From ’10 because the year was so chock-full of cocksmokers. But somehow, after a little dicking around, we did.
WHY THEY’RE DICKS: Everywhere we turned in 2010, there was another story about somebody named Palin being a dick. There was Todd Palin writing angry, poorly-punctuated emails. There was Willow Palin writing gay slur-slinging, poorly-punctuated Facebook comments. There was Bristol Palin being billed as a “teen activist” and dancing her way horribly to the Dancing With the Stars finals. And then there was Mama Grizzdick herself, Sarah Palin, who showed time and again that not only was she a dick, she was a Dick of All Trades–a refudiating dick, a 1st Amendment-confused dick, an Islamophobic dick, a book-shilling dick, a reality TV dick, a Tea Party dick, and, generally, an all-around fame-trolling dick of the highest magnitude. While it’s clear the Palins are gunning to be the First Family of the United States in 2012, for now, they can pat themselves on the backs for being, hands-down, the First Family of the United States of Dickbags.
OUR SOLUTION: The family of dicks that gets Dick Cancer together stays together. Another idea: JUST. GO. AWAY.
Filed under: 2010 Sucked Ass, Arizona, Arizona SB 1070, BP, BP Oil Spill, Brett Favre, Brett Favre Cheats On Wife, Brett Favre Penis, Brett Favre Sad Weiner, Brett Favre Why Did You Come Back?, Bristol Palin, Cheaters, Decision Points, Dick Cancer, Don't Ask Don't Tell, Everything About the Palins Sucks Ass, George W. Bush, George W. Bush Decision Points, Gwyneth Paltrow, Gwyneth Paltrow Country Strong, Gwyneth Paltrow Sings, Hamburger Helper Helps a Hamburger Help Gwen Make A Great Mess, Jesse James, Jesse James Cheats On Sandra Bullock, Jesse James Nazi Photo, Jesse James PR Suicide, John McCain, Kat Von D, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, North Korea, Sarah Palin, SB 1070, The Palins, Todd Palin, TSA, TSA Body Scanner
In an interview with Matt Lauer set to air next week, George Bush–who’s also hocking a memoir, as if living in this jobless, debt-ridden country isn’t reminder enough of the havoc he’s wreaked upon us–claims the lowest point of his presidency came when Kanye West said on live TV post-Katrina that Bush didn’t “care about black people.”
“I resent it, it’s not true, and it was one of the most disgusting moments of my presidency,” he tells Lauer, according to Yahoo! News.
So, after squandering a ten year budget surplus of $5.6 trillion and incurring a ten year deficit of $6 trillion instead, and leading this country into an unnecessary war that’s cost us over $700 billion and claimed the lives of over 12,000 U.S. soldiers, you really still believe the lowest point in your presidency was having a rapper call you racist?
Congratulations, George W. Bush! That means you officially have the emotional maturity Continue reading Congratulations, George W. Bush
Filed under: Assholes, Babies, Boo Hoo, Dicks, Fuck You, George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People, George Bush Memoir, George W. Bush, Hurricane Katrina, Kanye West, Katrina, One of the Many Stellar Bush Administration Legacies, Taylor Swift, The Bush Legacy, Uberassholes
I guess it goes to show: You can grow up, go to an Ivy League school, get married, overcome a long bout with alcoholism, manage your own professional baseball team, govern a state, become the Leader of the Free World–for twice as long as your Hardass Presidential Dad, initiate two wars, increase the national debt by roughly $4,899,100,310,608 (give or take), inspire dozens of books and as many films based on your life and leadership, see the erection of your Presidential library, and you still might end up…
Filed under: All In the Family, Barbara Bush, Bush Throws Out First Pitch, Embarrassing Moments, Former Presidents, Game Four of the World Series, George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, Hardass Parents of All Colors, Reveling in the success of a baseball team you ran into the ground, San Francisco, San Francisco Giants, Shameful Legacies, Texas Rangers, World Series, Wow I'm So Bored I Could Tip A Cow Or Do Meth Right Now, You Might Never Stop Being Ashamed Of Hanging Out With Your Uncool Parents
You may remember Viet Dinh as George W. Bush’s Assistant Attorney General from 2001 to 2003, and the man hailed as the main author of The Patriot Act (for a memory refresher, download his opus here).
Dinh made a speaking appearance on a panel today at CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Conference, and used the mic to defend the Patriot act as well as call out President Obama for killing too many terrorists.
“Why have executions increased?” asked Viet Dinh, a professor at Georgetown University Law Center and one of the authors of the USA Patriot Act. Citing a recent Washington Post article on the increased targeted killing of terrorists, Dinh complained that “the president and vice president expound this fact as a fact that they are actually successful in war.”
“That doesn’t mean I think they are not illegitimate,” he added. “No, we have every right to kill the other side’s warriors. But at what cost? When we do not have an effective detention policy the only option we have is to kill them before we can detain them. And if we don’t detain them, we don’t know what they know and what they are up to.”
Filed under: Bush Administration, Detaining Terrorists Has Worked Really Well For Us In The Past, Detainment, Enough Already, Former Assistant Attorney General, George W. Bush, Idiots, Obama Kills Too Many Terrorists, Partisan Bullshit, Partisanship, Pinko Commies, Right Wing Nutjobs, Terror, Terrorism, Terrorist Attacks, Terrorists, Terrorysteria, The Patriot Act, The Patriot Act is Unpatriotic, Viet Dinh, You Can't Win With These People
One very telling sign that you will not be missed after leaving office:
Filed under: Blow-Up Dolls, Buh-Bye George W. Bush, Bush Shoes, Disrespeck, Dubya, Dupont Circle, George W. Bush, Public Shame, Throwing Shoes, Washington D.C., Ways to Pass Time Before the Inauguration
Well gosh, when you put it the way Dubya does…
*And awesomer. And neato-bedeato-er!”
…the country actually sounds like it’s doing GREAT!!! Woo hoo!
*Not actual text of George W. Bush’s farewell address
Filed under: Buh Bye, Countries In the Shitter, Delusion, Failure, George W. Bush, George W. Bush Farewell Address, Goodbyes, It's Finally Over (Almost), Total and Complete Failure, Worst President Ever
To Mark Langdale, President of the George W. Bush Library Foundation:
I don’t want to mince words.
Please, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE leave MLK out of the President’s “Legacy
Of Shame Project.” Whatever it is.
It’s not fair, it’s not right, and no great person should have to be wrongly associated with that man’s eight years of disgrace.
Thanks so much,
BUSH: This nacho is pretty damn comfortable. I might need a coupla these for hangin’ round the house.
WONGSAWAT: I believe they’re called “ponchos.”
BUSH: Heh heh. Lemme tell you somethin’, Mr. Pad Thai. There are few things I know in life, but I swear on my Daddy’s grave, this thingmajig is a nacho.
WONGSAWAT: Your father is still alive.
BUSH: But he’s old, man! And since he stopped being president, he’s almost as good as dead.
WONGSAWAT: Do you worry that people will say the same for you?
BUSH: No way! We’re totally different. I served two terms, he served one. People love me. They just made a major motion picture about my life. Do you have movies in your country, Massaman Curry?
WONGSAWAT: Would you mind not addressing me like that?
BUSH: Whatever you say, Chicken Satay.
WONGSAWAT: Did you not hear a word I said?
BUSH: Aw c’mon! I couldn’t resist. It rhymed. You gotta admit it was pretty funny.
WONGSAWAT: Somebody take the fucking picture.
Obama in the Oval Office, after giving him a tour of the White House
BUSH: Pretty cool digs, eh, Obamarama?
OBAMA: The best in the world, Mr. President. I’m looking forward to settling in.
BUSH: [Surveying the room] I can’t get over the fact that it doesn’t really feel like an oval.
BUSH: And y’know, I’m not looking forward to packing up all of my crap, y’know what I mean? Eight years is a long time. I’m like, tired. I hate wrapping stuff and putting it in boxes. Laura always ends up doing that kinda stuff for me. I just tell her I’m busy or I’m on the phone with some world leader or something. And if that doesn’t work I just threaten that I’ll drink again, he he. Works every time!
OBAMA: I’m sure it’s a pretty daunting task, Mr. President. Before we move forward, I think it would be a good idea to first talk about expediting the economic stimulus package.
BUSH: Oh, Borat, you know I can’t say the words “stimulus” and “package” in the same sentence without chuckling a little. Chuckling a lot, he he… “package!” [chuckles]
OBAMA: It’s important to take action on it now, and not just wait until I take office. That’s still two months away. And you’re the President right now.
BUSH: Oh, I can piss away a couple of months, no problem. Hell, Orama, if I had been running in this election I bet they’d still be counting ballots in January.
OBAMA: I’m not sure that’s the best way to look at it, Mr. President.
BUSH: Call me Georgie. I’ll call you Barry. Or… Osama! [chuckles]
OBAMA: I’d rather not.
BUSH: You’d rather what?
OBAMA: Mr. President, let’s talk about housing. Americans are losing their homes.
BUSH: I know, O Ban! I am one of those Americans! You’re comin’ in here and takin’ over the place with some weird hyper-anesthesia dog!
OBAMA: Mr. President, if I could just get you to focus…
BUSH: Have you wondered where exactly a squid’s face is? Those crazy-ass things don’t make a lick o’ sense to me. Kinda like Koreans.
OBAMA: No, Mr. President, I haven’t wondered much about that.
BUSH: Do you listen to Foreigner at all?
OBAMA: I have a very diverse playlist.
BUSH: Cool man, cool. So what’s it like being a Muslim?
OBAMA: [Sighs] Somebody, anybody, please just take the picture.
Tens of thousands of jobs have been lost. People are losing their homes. Banks are collapsing. The stock market has suffered an historic drop. The largest and most stable financial institutions in our country are declaring bankruptcy.
Even if you’re not willing to admit that we are suffering through an abysmal economic crisis of mass proportions (We’re “strong,” right, Dana Perino?), you’ve got to admit that uh, we’re kinda in trouble and need to figure out how to turn this country around.
What can we do? What’s going to help? More importantly, what does our fearless leader say?
Our Commander-In-Chief’s party mate and Presidential hopeful John McCain is pretty damn old, too. If he gets elected, should we start sending telegrams to the White House? Or just get really, really big bullhorns?
Our friend Amy stars in the video above. She’s the adorable girl reading George Dubya’s correspondence aloud (there’s no one else in the video, but I’m just clarifying for the weary).
Yes, we know, she clearly thinks his prose could use some work.
We’re incredibly proud of her, not just for her elocution but for her subtle ability to make Dubya’s encouragement “to spend time outside” sound about as ridiculous IN A LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DURING TIME OF GLOBAL PERIL AND WAR… as it is.
The funny thing about any new exposé detailing the scams, lies, manipulations, Constitution breaches, and assaults on humanity committed by the criminally laughable Bush administration is that they tend to dramatically and methodically unveil no new information –yet each one is positively riveting.
I imagine that former Press Secretary Scott McClellan’s new memoir, What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and What’s Wrong With Washington, functions that way. McCLellan claims that the Bush administration fueled the Iraq war with propaganda. Whoa, really? Shocker!!!
Still, I can’t wait to buy it. And still, the White House sure has their feathers in a ruffle over the tome. I haven’t heard this much heehawing since my sister showed a pig at the Lafayette County 4-H festival!
Current White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, God Bless Her, tried her best to undermine the whirlwind of press resulting from the book, tossing away notions that the President will even read it:
“The book, as reported by the press, has been described to the president. I do not expect a comment from him on it – he has more pressing matters than to spend time commenting on books by former staffers.“
You know what? She’s right. I thought about all of the other pressing matters that the Prez needs to be attending to and he definitely doesn’t have time to read McClellan’s dumb old book! Here are some of the things he needs to attend to first:
1) Learn to read
2) Speak at the Air Force graduation
3) Speak at a high school graduation
4) Sit for awhile and reminisce about his own high school experience
5) Ponder stuff
6) Contemplate the correct pronunciasian of “Korea”
7) Bug the Saudis for more oil
8) Re-watch his performance on Deal or No Deal
9) Call Dick and see what he’s up to (not a ton)
10) Request Cliff Notes for What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and What’s Wrong With Washington. Get distracted by reruns of Family Guy. Fall asleep.