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Gawker Reports Mark Zuckerberg’s Engaged, Which Leads To A Discussion Of What’s Wrong With Asian Women, Naturally
Mark Zuckerberg is engaged! Maybe. Bill Gates seems to think so anyway, calling Zuckerberg’s longtime girlfriend, med student Priscilla Chan, Zuck’s “fiancee” in a recent interview. Gawker picked up on this, and naturally, naturally, a conversation ensued in the comments section concerning why someone like Cilla would be with someone like Zuck.
Filed under: Asian Women Explained, Asian Women White Men, Bill Gates, Blog Commenters, Facebook, Facebook Rumors, Gawker, Gawker Commenters, Harvard Alums, Interracial Relationships, Mark Zuckerberg, Mark Zuckerberg Engaged, Mark Zuckerberg Fiancee, Mark Zuckerberg Girlfriend, Priscilla "Cilla" Chan, Priscilla Chan, Priscilla Chan Mark Zuckerberg, rumors
I used my sister’s California drivers license as a fake ID from age 14 to 20. She’s eight years older, four inches shorter, and about 20 pounds lighter than me. I remember using the faker in Vegas with a mouthful of braces to win $160 in blackjack, during high school to get into 21+ shows, and all through college to stock my liquid-soaked house parties with coconut-flavored rum and Wild Turkey. Look, if the person checking my face was too dumb to tell us apart, who was I to point out their inadequacies? And for crying out loud, if a Parrot Bay and Wild Turkey purchase isn’t a dead giveaway of total underage-ness, I don’t know what is.
Is benefiting from some dork thinking all Asians look alike wrong? I don’t know. Do I care? Eh, not really.
Gawker reported this morning that three Japanese Lolitas (image above is not them) crashed Tom Ford’s ultra-secret, 100-seat fashion week party Monday night (just one bash, according to a tipster, of many among “the hottest parties all around town.”) Clad in platforms and pinafores, the trio gained entry by saying that one of them was Vogue Nippon editor-in-chief Mitsuko Watanabe, whose photo is to the right (One can only infer that Watanabe rarely, if ever, rocks her homeland’s esoteric, dirty-little-girl street style).
Unfortunately for the imposter and her party pals, Watanabe had already arrived and was seated in her, er, seat. The jig was quickly up and the girls were sent on their merry way. But the coup did happen–success for the Japanese Lolita tricksters! Can you blame them for trying? And succeeding?
Look, if the hoighty-toighty party list weilders are too stupid to tell them apart…
Filed under: Editors, Fake I.D.s, Fashion Week, Fashism, Gawker, Japanese Lolita Trio, Japanese Lolitas Crash Tom Ford Show, Lolita Fashion, Mitsuko Watanabe, New York, Parrot Bay, Party Crashers, Private Shows, Really Dumb People, Tom Ford, Vogue Magazine, Vogue Nippon, We All Look Alike, Wild Turkey
We’ll be away from our desks the month of August, carrying on with the non-bloggy aspects of our lives, watching mindless movie blockbusters, and indulging in summery drinks made with generous pours of bourbon. During this month, we’ll be linking each day to a different website that we ♥. Hopefully you’ll discover something delightful and new while we’re gone. If not, you are a serious Captain Crankypants and are probably in dire need of a summery drink made with a generous pour of bourbon.
‘Til September, lovelies.
Mark Lisanti is the funniest man on the Internet.
Now before you say, “But what about Gwyneth? He’s a fuckin’ gas!” let me just tell you that I’ve been making this declaration repeatedly since 2004, when I discovered Lisanti’s little H-wood insider blog Defamer (after carrying the site to Gawker-fueled ubiquity, he left his founding editor post in ’08). I blurted the words to him at a poorly-attended cocktail party at Sundance ’06, after an hour of awkwardly hanging out in wait for Robin Tunney’s arrival, when his buddy casually dropped his name and I lost my shit faster than a rookie chili-eating contestant. I say it snarkily at parties, when I realize he’s funnier in HTML than in person (ZING, sucka! I kid, I kid). I grumble it to the sky ever single time the guy outfunnies me on a Facebook wall (this happens more frequently than you would think). And I sighed it aloud yesterday, when I read about his new gig as Deputy Editor of Yahoo! Entertainment Blogs via Business Insider (who I must applaud for choosing a most distinguished photo of the lad to compliment his success).
Super funny people are typically the worst folks in the world to be friends with. For one, the odds of them being totally crazy/depressed/derelict/perverse is about 100%. And two, they spend most of their time with you either being spitefully unfunny (they are, after all, “off the clock”) or proving, at all times, how much more twisted, quick-draw and sharp they are than everybody else. But the thing is, Lisanti doesn’t have to be cementing sticky celebrity nicknames or befriending Tawny Kitaen to make you laugh. He just makes you laugh. I often wonder if he even has to try to be funny, because gentle–but memorable–humor seems to seep out of his pores like joy from a unicorn’s eyes. He is Continue reading DISGRASIAN’s Summer Reading: Lisanti Quarterly
Filed under: Bloggers, Defamer, Editors, Entertainment Blogs, Friends are Nice, Funny Men, Funny People, Gawker, Hollywood, Jersey Shore, Losing Your Shit, Mark Lisanti, Robin Tunney, Sundance, Tawny Kitaen, Writers, Yahoo
A 28-year-old California woman named Lisette Lee was busted by the feds after her chartered plane from LA landed in Columbus, Ohio this week–with over 13 suitcases of marijuana on it.
Should she be convicted, Lee could see 40 years in prison and up to $2 million in fines.
News organizations and expert sleuths like Gawker are already having a bonanza as they dig up everything relevant (and irrelevant, but wonderfully ridiculous) there is to know about this mysterious woman, who amazingly was able to keep her fake eyelashes on throughout her arrest and night in the clink, and might have more identities than Britney.
Highlights of what we currently know about Lee:
- potentially an actress/model/recording artist/whatever (Ed. note–that might just be a reeeeeally bad mugshot)
- was arrested with 3 cell phones, blow, weed, and drug deal ledgers in her bag
- claims to be an heiress related to Samsung’s “Lee” family of Korea; they deny the relationship (although this is by no means an ironclad denial. It’s no secret that Hardass Asian Families will disavow you for like, failing a test. My HAPs would deny knowing me if I got a ticket for rolling past a stop sign.)
- loooooooves eyeliner. Like LOOOOOOOOVES it.
- seems all kinds of crazy (warranting comparisons to Tila Tequila)
- seems to have a gift for embellishment (warranting comparisons to the Hipster Grifter)
- has also been named in event photographs with the surname Morita (unnecessarily dragging Pat’s name into this mess)
- apparently has a boyfriend in Columbus that she can’t or won’t name
- organized this fourth drug run to Columbus for a “friend” who doled out $60k per trip (that’s the total budget for all other players involved, by the way, not her personal fee)
- apparently willing to break federal law for measly tens of thousands, not realizing that a nice managerial job at Starbucks would have also provided her with benefits
- currently sitting in jail awaiting a bond hearing that will take place tomorrow at 10am. It was postponed from today to allow Lee’s family time to travel to Columbus (this will NOT be pretty)
Sooooo much information! But I’ve still got one really, really important question: Where the fuzz is that 506 lbs. of ganj going?
Filed under: Charter Planes, Cocaine, Columbus Ohio, Criminals, DEA, Drug Busts, Fake Eyelashes, False Eyelashes, Ganja, Gawker, Hardass Asian Families, Hardass Asian Parents, Jail, Lisette Lee, Lisette Lee Morita, Marijuana, Model Actress Whatever, Mug Shots, Pat Morita, Samsung, Samsung Lee Family, Smuggled Goods, Starbucks, The Kind Of Wacky Incidents We'll Miss When Marijuana Is Legalized, Tranny Makeup
Gawker writer Adrian Chen wrote a most amusing “Compendium of Unnecessary Lady Gaga Eccentricities” last week, which included observations like: “Lady Gaga thinks ghosts are real and they are haunting her. She spent $4,000 on ghost hunting equipment because she was worried of “Bad energy” infecting London’s O2 stadium.”
Look, I hate the Gaga. I think she’s a poseur. And I know all of you aren’t with me on this but–wait, did I just write that a guy named Adrien CHEN penned a piece slamming a POP STAR? What the FUCK??!?!?
OH THANK GOD. A charming reader–er, leader–named Kenny Tarr–wait, Tall!–already wrote in a complaint.
We absorutery aglee. An Itarian supel-stal who has been in “American” for at reast 100 yeals (wow, Germanotta is older than we thought!”) has evely light to be in this countly! Evelyone knows that AMERICAN berongs to the Itarians!!! Just don’t tell the Native Amelicans and Mexicans!
HOW DARE this Chinaman comment? HOW DARE HE????
Filed under: 20-watt bulbs, Adrian Chen, Angry Letters, Asian-ness, Botching the English Language, Compendium Of Unnecessary Lady Gaga Eccentricities, Engrish, Gawker, Idiots Are So Not Threatening, Kenny Tarr, Kenny Tarr Will Probably Die Saying: "Hey Watch This!", Lady Gaga, Lame Lady Gaga Fans, People Are Too Stupid To Be Offensive, People That Have Been In American For Over 100 Years, Racists, Really Stupid Americans, Stupid People, Weird American Behavior, You Have To Laugh
While I was busy this morning trolling the news for really IMPORTANT stuff about Kimora Lee Simmons and Jessica Biel, Gawker totally stole our Disgrasian thunder:
The New York Times story that Gawker was referring to is about Japanese baseball players receiving day-to-day bonuses called “fight money” from their managers based on their performance in a win. Not all of the gifts, apparently, are limited to cashish.
Stuffed animals?!? Not again. Christ.
Okay. Listen up, my Asian brethren. WE GOTS TO STOP WITH THE STUFFED ANIMAL FETISH. No, seriously. Step away from the plushie and get yourself in a program today. I will be your sponsor. You can do it.
(special thanks to Matt M. for the heads-up!)