You are currently browsing posts tagged with Fuckups

BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Jesse James

April 22nd, 2010 | 1 comment | Posted by Diana

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSE JAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We bet this one was a HAPPY one!


‘Cuz there’s nothing like being turning 41 to remind you of what really counts in life: knowing that your family is happy and your career in order.

We figured you probably didn’t get many, so we decided to go in together on a couple of birthday presents for ya. They are:

Continue reading BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Jesse James

Filed under: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m With Terry Bradshaw

April 13th, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Diana

Hey Ben, you big, dumb, fucking dog. Thanks for today’s apology.

For your sake and mine, I am glad that you will not be criminally charged for rough-banging that college chick in a dingy bar bathroom. No evidence + you’re a rich celebrity athlete = BIG PHEW! At least for this season (Ed note–Ladies, don’t hate. I need football to live and this is a humor blog).

Don’t tell me what really happened. I don’t know, I don’t want to know, I don’t really care. Shut up. Just shut up.

You and I have already been through a rough patch. Remember that leetle moto accident in ’06, when you were all, “WhatEVA! I’m 24! I’ve won a Super Bowl! I don’t CARE about no stinkin’ helmet! I don’t CARE about my HEAD! I don’t CARE about some goddamn professional football team and our legacy of gritty honor, don’t care about my coveted starting QB position, don’t care about my teammates or the Rooneys, or the hopes and dreams of Diana and her family and all of the wonderful Pittsburgh fans around the world! I’m a big, dumb, fucking dog! I look like a human Clifford! Weeeee! Let’s ride!” And then you broke your stupid face? Yeah, me too. That wasn’t cool.

BUT I FORGAVE YOU. Yes, it took another Super Bowl ring for me to do it, but I still sorta did.

This is different.  Dude, you’ve been accused of sexual assault twice in the last year. I realize we’re talking about accusations, not charges, but dude: TWICE. ONE YEAR. Even your derelict former teammates Santonio and Plaxico are thinking, “Damn, homey! Slow down!”

How hard is it to think, Ben? Just think with your seemingly broken brain. Is, say, dinner Continue reading I’m With Terry Bradshaw

Filed under: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Tiger Woods

December 11th, 2009 | 7 comments | Posted by Diana

Did too many of Tiger’s low-rent mistresses rise up to tell their tales? Did enough of his sponsors threaten to drop him? We’ll never know.  But one of the world’s greatest atheletes has decided to step away from professional golf to focus, finally, on the shit circus that is his life:

tiger-woods-family

Time to think about who counts.

From Tiger Wood’s official site:

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What’s most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Tiger Woods

Filed under: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Scientific Experimentasian

February 13th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


After Barron Hilton, the third of four children in Rick and Kathy’s party brood, was busted for DUI in the ‘Bu yesterday, I got to wondering…would things have turned out differently if the 18 year-old had had a Hardass Asian Parent or two?

Below, please find…a scientific experiment:

HYPOTHESIS

Barron Hilton would not be a fuckup had he been raised by a Hardass Asian Parent.

EXPERIMENT

1) HARDASS ASIAN PARENT: Why can’t you be more like your sisters?


BARRON HILTON: Uh, no probs.


2) HARDASS ASIAN PARENT: I take it back. Your sisters are dead to me. You’re now my only hope.

BARRON HILTON: Dude, what’s with the pressure? You’re giving me a fuckin’ anxiety attack. I gotta go smoke a bowl, man. Late.


3) HARDASS ASIAN PARENT: When you first told me that you received a DUI, I thought it was a school award or a scholarship. Now that I know the truth, I am severely disappointed. Drinking and driving? Where did you learn such degrading behavior? We don’t even drink. My heart is breaking into a thousand pieces. Do you want to give me heart attack? You’ll regret what you’ve done when I’m dead. Speaking of which, you are dead to me. I have no choice but to disown you.


BARRON HILTON: Whoa, whoa, so many words. I still get my inheritance, right?

CONCLUSION

Even if Barron Hilton had been raised by Hardass Asian Parents, he would still be a fuckup.


Source Source Source Source

Filed under: , , , , , , , ,