You are currently browsing posts tagged with Free the Harajuku Girls

Yoko and Homo Go Together Like Ramma Lamma Lamma Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong

September 17th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I wasn’t really aware that New Zealand produced fashism designers much less had a Fashism Week of their own, but they do, and one of my favorite items to come off of any runway this season is from New Zildesigner Michael Pattison.

The collection is called Yoko Homo and “draws inspiration from the independent street fashions brought into the spotlight by Photographer/Editor Shoichi Aoki through the likes of Fruits and Tune magazines” and “the Harajuku youth aesthetic.”

Harajuku-inspired fashism is, as you all know, so tired, but since I inexplicably like Yoko, and I love homos, I need me that shirt!

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Fall from Grasian

August 31st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Dude. When I first saw this picture, I almost had a seizure.

MY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: No no no. This cannot be happening again. Another blonde chick with a “posse” of dolled-up Ornamentals following her around on a red carpet, four feet behind at all times? ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!! AND WT#@!*$&##!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I took a chill pill, had a slug of rosé, and discovered that the event was a store opening in Tokyo, the Ornamentals are models wearing merch, and the blonde chick is socialite Tinsley Mortimer–who is big in Japan apparently (file under: Weird Japanese Behavior).

Tinsley’s pictured here at the ribbon-cutting with Miss Japan 2006, Kurara Chibana.

MY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: Just two has-beens with a couple of pairs of scissors. Phew.

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Gwen Caves to Muslasian Protesters

August 3rd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

In a shocking response to Muslasian protesters who denounced her as obscene, indecent, and most of all, DISGRASIAN, the AP reports that Gwen Stefani has agreed to cover up her man-body and free the Harajuku Slaves from their cages.

On Thursday, after thousands of Muslasian protesters called for a cancellation of Stefani’s concert in Kuala Lumpur, Gwen freed her slaves and, according to a source close to the Madonna-wannabe, was overheard saying to them, “Fly, my little China dolls, be free.”

The Harajuku Slaves, whose real names are Jane Wong, Becca Fukuyoshi, Michelle Tran, and Heather Kusuhara, appeared traumatized by their three year-ordeal of indentured servitude to the Debbie Harry-ripoff when they appeared at the Kuala Lumpur airport together, perhaps for the last time. The four young women boarded separate planes back to the U.S., where, as Heather Kusuhara said, “We hope to resume normal lives. Like speaking in public. And not having to walk two steps behind a butch blonde girl at all times. And not dressing identically. Yeah, normal life will be great. We’ve been through a lot.” Kusuhara credited her faith in Jesus Christ as the thing that got her through the last three years. The other women declined comment.

Stefani also could not be reached for comment. The show’s sponsor, Maxis Communications, did relay the following message by email: “Gwen is busy buying fabric to make a bitchin’ burka for her show in Kuala Lumpur. She really loves and respects Muslasians, you know.”*

Stefani’s new steez

(*Most of this story is fabricated. Click here to follow the real saga of Muslasians hating Gwen.)

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(special thanks to Diana and Thomas–you’re both geniuses.)

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Muslasians Hate Gwen

August 1st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Usually, Diana and I don’t go in for religious fanatacism, but if it results in the hateration of Gwen Stefani, consider us converts.

Reuters reports that in Malaysia, the 10,000 member National Union of Malaysian Muslim Students is protesting Stefani’s August 21st concert in Kuala Lumpur.

“Her video clips promoting the event are too obscene,” Mohamad Hilmi Ramli, the group’s president, told Reuters. “We want the organizers to cancel the concert, failing which we will ask the authorities to intervene.”

Did somebody say obscene? We could not agree more.

obscene, indecent, DISGRASIAN

Click here for full story.

Source: The Sweet Asscape Video

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Holy Matrimasian

July 12th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

“Music” (not her real name), one of Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku Slaves, got hitched last weekend. I didn’t realize that slaveowners gave their slaves furlough. Gee, Mistress Gwen is so nice.

Looks like MISTRESS GWEN SOMEONE didn’t make the bridesmaid cut

Gwen showed up looking like the O.C. trash she really is:

“What is that Jap doing in my picture? Oh, right, I own him. Phew!”

And took time to pose with her property, er, I mean, “friend”:

“Hey, what’s-your-face? Since you just married what’s-her-name, and what’s-her-name is, like, MY property, I own you now, too. Can you dance? Do you look good in geisha makeup?”

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Kingston Rossdale Gets a New Manny

July 11th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Gwen Stefani’s evil spawn Kingston has a new Manny! Here is that hulking mass of butchitude holding him after a jaunt to Whole Foods:

At second glance, I realize that I mistook Gwen for a man. Oopsee!

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Zaharajuku

June 22nd, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

There’s nothing quite like being a kid and getting a free ride from Pops, like Zahara “The Forgotten One” Jolie-Pitt is doing here with Dad Brad.

Even I can say that this is totally adorabl–

Wait. What is THAT on Zahara’s shirt?

Fashion Buzz correctly identified the tee as part of Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku Lovers collection for kids, which inspired me to write a letter to Zaharajuku Jolie-Pitt. Usually the object of our epistolary campaigns are a bit older, but I have a feeling Z will get where I’m coming from, even if she needs the nanny to read this to her.

Dear Zahara,

You are such a cutie-patootie. And I know you’re mostly a pawn in your parents’ aspirational game–which translates into punk haircuts, baby-sized hipster clothing, and funny faces you make for the cameras–but do you think it would be cool if I walked around in a t-shirt with a black baby on it? Just cuz, like, to paraphrase Gwen, I have respect for your culture? Such deep respect that I would like to wear you as decoration?

I have you pegged as the rational one of the brood, mostly because you seem to be ignored a lot of the time and that’s usually how smart people develop their gifts. Look out, Ivy League! Which is why you should be the one to give your parents a good talkin’ to about their, um, how do I put it…insufferability? You may also want to remind them that they have two Asian children. Finally, giving them a timeout from their relentless, self-mythologizing “cool-ness” would be a really smart move.

Free the Harajuku Girls Even From Baby Tees,
Jen

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"L" is for Loser

June 14th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The first ads for Gwen Stefani’s perfume, L, have hit the web. You can pre-order the fragrance now, although I must warn you, it has top notes of poo and a heart of jasmine, peach blossom, and vomit.

“Why am I all wet? Cuz I stink. No, really…I reek.”

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Gwen Stefani Makes People Sick

June 1st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The state of New Joisey is all in a tizzy over underage drinking after 13 minors were hospitalized following–surprise!!–a GWEN STEFANI CONCERT. But I gotta ask, was it REALLY the alkeyhol that did those teens in? Or was it…

Gag

Barf

BLEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHH

Oh. God. I don’t feel so good. Overdosing on ricist imagery. Somebody call 911.

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Where Can I Get a Helmut Lang Rubber Chicken Suit?

May 16th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

This is one of the most genius videos I’ve ever seen.

(special thanks to heavy.com and heavysan)

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When Worlds Collide

May 15th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer Gwen Stefani received a surprise present from a Mystery Fan on Mother’s Day.


Gwen: Do I know you?

Mystery Fan: Oh my god. Gwen Stefani! It’s really you! I’m such a huge fan.

Gwen: Uh-huh.

Mystery Fan: Sorry. Where are my manners? I’m Jen. My friend Diana and I have a blog, and we write about you all the time.

Gwen: That’s cool. I was about to take my son out for a walk, so–

Mystery Fan: Happy Mother’s Day! I just wanted to give you this, and then I’ll leave you alone.

Gwen: Thanks. (takes bouquet and sniffs) Eww…Arrgh..Gag…Ughhh…Barf…Achhh!!!

Mystery Fan: Don’t you like the poo-quet? It’s all the rage in Harajuku.

Gwen: (poo on face) What the fuck? I’m going to slap a restraining order on your ass!

Mystery Fan: Oh yeah? Well we’re slapping an Emancipasian order on your ass. Which is fat. And you’ve got poo on your face, beyotch!

Sound of sirens. The police roll up.

Cop: Ms. Stefani, is this the intruder?

Gwen: Yeesssss! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

The cops lead the Mystery Fan away in handcuffs.

Mystery Fan: Emancipasian Now! Free the Harajuku Girls!


Gwen: I justh thwallow shith! Ith in my moufth! Helf may! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

Mystery Fan: What do we want? FREEDOM! When do want it? NOW!

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Can You Hear Us Now?

May 7th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Last week, Verizon dropped their sponsorship of Gwen Stefani’s Sweet Escape tour because the communications company does not support yellow slavery.

Okay, that’s a white lie. Maybe it had something to do with Gwen’s opening act Akon allegedly sexually accosting a teenage girl on stage in Trinidad. Verizon has, nevertheless, bailed on these two sorry EXPLOITASIANISTAS.

Corporate America, follow Verizon’s example, and Free the Harajuku Girls!

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