You are currently browsing posts tagged with For the Love of God Will Somebody Put Lindsay Lohan In a Crate or Something
Miley Cyrus’s affinity for peeps of the Asian Persuasian was once again in full effect at American Idol‘s
self-congratulatory charity event taping, Idol Gives Back.
If this isn’t the most overt instance of public shaming all year, I don’t know what is.
Seriously, my hardass parents might shake their heads at the fact that I’m a
failure non-doctor writer, but the entire world is pointing the disapproving finger at Lindsay. It’s invalidating, defeating, belittling, gutting. Trust me, I know.
I’m actually starting to feel sorry for the girl.
Nine times out of ten, Rob Schneider disappoints us by exhibiting DISGRASIAN behavior.
Example 1: The Hot Chick
Example 2: “Ronnie… The Ron-Meister…Ron-o-rama…”
After being criticized by Dina “Living Vicariously” Lohan for impersonating her daughter,
OOC Hollywood cokehead troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan, on The Tonight Show –Scneider fired back via People.com:
“When Mrs. Lohan stops partying with her child, then I’ll have an ounce of respect for her…”
“Lindsay, get it together, America will forgive you but you gotta do something positive with your life,” Schneider adds. “I hope she does okay but at a certain point, there’s so many bigger problems in the world than Lindsay Lohan.
“I hope she gets her head out of her nice, cute little rear end and finds a life for herself,” says the comic, currently filming with pal Adam Sandler on location in the Hamptons. “She’s very talented, and a special little actress but there are so many people out there who’d trade positions with her in a heartbeat and use it better than she is.”
Good job, Rob! Now what can we do to permanently increase your non-DISGRASIAN percentage? It’s nice to have you on board.
When I was in a memoir class in grad school, and we were reading Maxine Hong Kingston, my professor said during lecture, “Jews have their guilt, and the Chinese have their shame.” This wasn’t a new idea, by any stretch, but there was something about hearing it out loud, in an academic setting, from a shriveled, pedantic know-it-all, that jolted me from my note-taking and made me feel…ashamed.
Ashamed of shame? That could only mean one thing–I’m Asian!
Shame defines Asian cultures. It accounts for the alarming suicide rate among our young women (the highest of any group), the phobia surrounding mental health issues, and the persistence of domestic violence in Asian communities around the world.
That said, sometimes shame can be a good thing. What?!? I know, crazy, right? But take this person for example:
It was recently reported that Lindsay All-Time-Lohan was busting with the whippits, i.e. nitrous oxide, during rehab. Dude, Lindsay. Even when I was wearing fur pants and glitter on my face during my totally shameful “rave phase”–promise to never speak of this again, dear DISGRASIAN readers–and consuming all kinds of “fun stuff,” I would never ever never touch that stupefying garbaggio.
Your problem Linds, is you have no shame. But my problem is, I have an excess of shame. What can we do about this inequality?
A SHAMEXCHANGE program!
Think about it. It could be huge.
Here’s the transcript from a conversation Diana and I had over the weekend about Lindsay Lohan:
Diana: She didn’t!
Jen: I’m afraid she did.
Diana: No no no! She’s so Disgrasian!
Jen: Tell me about it.
Diana: How do we do this post without putting that bloatarded photo of Lohan up on Disgrasian? I’m sick of feeding into this nonsense. Blech.
Jen: There must be a way…
TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK FUCK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK FUCK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK FUCK FUCK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK FUCK FUCK FUCK TICK TICK TICK FUCK TICK FUCK TI
(the sound of time passing in an excruciating manner)
Jen: I think I’ve got it.
Diana: A…multiple-choice test? Oh my god. I rule at multiple-choice! Give me a pencil.
This is a multiple-choice test. Please answer the following question correctly without the aid of Google.
Match the following Us Weekly caption of Lindsay Lohan’s recent escapades in Tokyo…
“Lindsay leaves Ronson’s store in search of more Japanese good times”
…to the photograph that most closely resembles the actual Lohan-in-Tokyo photo that we refuse to publish:
Here’s a sad story. Last night in Tokyo…
Hollywood’s least talented female DJ Samantha Ronson showed Hollywood’s worst aspiring DJ Lindsay Lohan the ropes (how to make a record weep and look like Boy George while doing it) on the turntables at Warehouse.
Ears bled. Babies Cried. Everybody in the room died.
The last part didn’t happen quite like that, but I’m sure everyone in the room pretty much wanted it to. Ok, I wish…