DISGRASIAN™

For Japan, The World Cup Is Half Empty

Yesterday’s Japan vs. Paraguay elimination game was one of the most arduous, intense—even cinematic of the World Cup so far.

It wasn’t a pretty game, but it was tight. Regulation play (90 minutes) ended in a draw. Overtime (30 minutes) ended in a draw. And then came the shootout (see video below… worst moment in the world at 4:05):

Both teams played head-to-head as long as possible, and in the end, it came down to ten kick attempts. In the Cup’s only shootout so far, Paraguay didn’t miss a penalty kick, and Japan did. The shootout ended at 5-3… with many tears.

Komano, after the failed penalty kick

Continue reading For Japan, The World Cup Is Half Empty

Filed under: Bummers, FIFA, Football, Intense Matches, Japanese Samurai Blue Team, Paraguay, Paraguay Vs. Japan Shootout, Ritual Suicide, Samurai Blue, Shootouts, Soccer, South Africa, World Cup, World Cup 2010, Yuichi Komano

BABEWATCH: North Korean Footballer Jong Tae-se

Name: Jong Tae-se

Age: 26

Hails from: Japan

Occupation: Striker for North Korea’s 2010 World Cup Team

Y’all, I’m not gonna front. I am not a fan of The Other Football. It’s not that I don’t enjoy watching a soccer match, it’s just that I don’t feel compelled to. I didn’t grow up watching soccer in Texas–soccer was the sport you played at my high school if you were too small for football, basketball, baseball, swimming and even, trust me on this one, tennis–so I’ve never bothered to learn its nuances. I realize that this is considered by most of the world to be a personality defect, and I accept that.

But you don’t need to know much about the game to be intrigued by Jong Tae-se, star striker for North Korea’s 2010 World Cup team, who got pummeled 7-0 by Portugal yesterday, which got TIME magazine wondering if the loss was “A Fatal Loss of Face?” Jong was born and plays professionally in Japan, is third-generation South Korean, but attended North Korean sponsored-schools in Japan, and has chosen to represent North Korea in its first World Cup since 1966.

Continue reading BABEWATCH: North Korean Footballer Jong Tae-se

Filed under: Chong Tese, Dear Leader, Football, Footie, Jong Tae-se, Kim Jong Il, Men Who Cry In Public, Nationalism, North Korea, North Korea World Cup 2010, North Koreans, Soccer, South Koreans, The Other Football, World Cup

BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Coach Norm Chow

Happy birthday to one of our favorite dudes in football, UCLA Bruins offensive coordinator Norm Chow, who turned 64 Monday!

Unfortunately for Coach Chow, we hear this year’s team is sorely lacking in O. But you may recall that we at DISGRASIAN, however, happen to have the ear of the Football Gods.

So we pray to you, Football Gods, to give Coach Chow a hand this year. They say Offense Wins Games, Defense Wins Championships, but a team needs to win games in order to win championships, no? Not that we’re caught up in our much ballyhooed, local college football, crosstown-rivalry drrrrrama. Seriously, we could kinda give a flying amen! about any of that because, as you know, our religious denomination is the NFL, but we just want Coach Chow to be happy. Because when he’s pissed, he kinda looks like our Hardass Asian Dads when we’ve disappointed them, and that scares us a little, you know? Like, take a look at Coach when he’s actually stoked on you and cheering you on:

Continue reading BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Coach Norm Chow

Filed under: Asians in Football, Birthdays, Bruins Football, Coach Norm Chow, College Football, Crosstown Rivalries, Division I Football, Football, Football Gods, Hawaiians, Norm Chow, UCLA Bruins, UCLA Football, UCLA Offensive Coordinator Norm Chow, USC Football, USC Trojans

AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Ed Wang, First Chinese American In The NFL

Name: Ed Wang

Age: 23

Hails from: Virginia

Occupation: Professional football player

So, first the good news: Over the weekend, 6′5″, 309 lbs. (no, that is not a typo) offensive tackle Ed Wang became the first Chinese American player drafted into the NFL.

As a Chinese American, a Wang, and a lifelong football fan, I weep for joy.

Now, the bad: He’s going to the Bills.

As a Chinese American, a Wang, and a lifelong football fan who’s always considered the Bills the whipping boy of the NFL–they last went to the playoffs in ‘99, they’ve never won a championship, and they hold the dubious distinction of being the only team who’s gone to (and lost) four consecutive Super Bowls–I just weep.

Ah, well…two steps forward, one step back!

To learn more about Ed Wang, watch the video below. His parents Robert and Nancy are former Chinese Olympians–dad was a high-jumper, mom was a hurdler–and they’re cute as all get out. In that Hardass Asian Parent way, of course. Choice quote from Ed’s dad:

Continue reading AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Ed Wang, First Chinese American In The NFL

Filed under: Asian Football Players, Big Wangs, Chinese-Americans, Ed Wang, Edward Wang, First Chinese American NFL Football Player Ed Wang, firsts, Football, History, NFL, NFL Draft, Olympians, Virginia Tech Hokies, Wangs

Cotton Candy, Sweet And Low, Reprzentasian In The Super Bowl!

THE SAINTS ARE FINALLY GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep your eyes on amazian linebacker Scott Fujita (aka “Asian Assassin”) when they do.

Damn

Continue reading Cotton Candy, Sweet And Low, Reprzentasian In The Super Bowl!

Filed under: Amazians, Brett Favre, College Sweethearts, Defense, Defensive Linemen, Focus On America, Football, Gay Rights, Go Saints, Honorasians, Hotties, Linebackers, National Equality March, New Orleans, New Orleans Saints, NFL, NOLA, Professional Athletes, Rad Japanese Dudes, Reprzentasian, Saints, Same-Sex Marriage, Scott Fujita, Sports, Super Bowl Ads, Super Bowl Miami, Super Bowl XLIV, Who Dat?

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Weak 3 Of The NFL Regular Season

NFL’s Week 3… oh, what a week. Did y’all see what we did?

Amazian blasian Hines Ward hit a major milestone Sunday afternoon during my Steelers’ away effort against the Cincinnati Bengals–he became the first black-and-gold-bleeder to surpass 10,000 receiving yards (further solidifying a future bid for the Hall Of Fame). Huzzah!

Sadly, the achievement was mired by Pittsburgh’s second 3-point loss in two weeks. To the BENGALS. Oy oy oy. Heal that knee, Polamalu, Heal! Our D needs you, baby!

But hey, it wasn’t all bad. Before MNF’s kickoff last night, Jen wondered aloud who the biggest QB tool of the evening would be: her Cowboys’ Tony Romo or the Panthers’ Jake Delhomme. Turns out, Delhomme served up more turnovers than a European bakery–perhaps suggesting what job he might actually do well at when he gets booted from Carolina–and America’s team added one in the win column. Phew.

Frankly, the Cowboys needed a home win like that, especially one on Monday’s snazzy nationwide stage. It was heartbreaking to watch them christen the new $1.5 billion dollar stadium in last week’s shameful loss to the Giants, particularly because Romo’s dorky disappointment was super-sized and crystal clear on that beautiful new Jumbotron.

But back to Sunday. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that perennial grouch/sweatponcho pioneer Bill Belichick might be considering a career change: WILL HE OR WON’T HE–join the Misfits, that is?

Just assessing the evidence being placed before our eyes. Mark my words, guys. Belichick is a punk.

And speaking of punks, can somebody please drive up to Buffalo to knock some sense into Terrell Owens? How can an avid Twitterer and star of a trashy VH1 reality show have the gall to lash out at “the media?” Is he not constantly serving himself up on a roasting dish for public consumption? Does he not understand what medium affords him the luxury of being known worldwide as “T.O.?” Aw hell no.

If only Owens could simply suit up, catch the ball (unless he’s playing the Saints), and shut the fuck up, for just one season. I just want to shake the dude and scream: “Play, Terrell! Play well! Play with the team! That’s all you need to do, for crying out loud! And while you’re at it, stop blaming everyone else and find yourself a rad therapist to quiet those angry voices in your head!”

Sigh.

On the other hand, one man proved himself for the billionth time, with one last-second torpedo into the end zone, that he is worth the hype:

Brett “Don’t tell Me I’ve Still Got It Cuz I Already Know It, Biatch!” Favre. I don’t care that he’s a Viking. The dude is magic–yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is everything that is great about football.

And the neon-green nightmare that is the Seahawks’ alternate uniform… is everything that is not great about football.

From the sportscaster desk, Howie Long called these “flat-out distracting.” I mean, wow–I am painfully embarassed for this team.

I’ve got a theory, though. The Seahawks are from Seattle: a place with clean air and beautiful cedar houses, where chanterelles grow a-plenty, delicious Kumamoto Oysters avail themselves as openly as slutty undergrads at USC, and–while wrapped in cuddly, North Face fleece–every ruddy-cheeked resident is at all times sipping on a perfect cup of coffee or a fine-tasting microbrew. Life is too good in the Pacific Northwest to warrant a winning football team. Awesome NFL teams were created to add awesomeness to an otherwise tough, shitpile existence (like living in Green Bay or Detroit). Seattle’s team doesn’t need to be awesome. And clearly, they don’t need to be suitably or subtly dressed, either.

Last but not least. Couldn’t help but notice that the Peyton Manning/Justin Timberlake Sony Ping Pong Commercial that aired during the Sunday games was not the “Mandarin” version hampered by their shoddy subtitles.

Are they listening to us? Or did they simply realize airing a commercial that’s actually funny yields great rewards?

Doesn’t matter. I just can’t wait for next week.

[Pittsburgh Post-Gazette: Steelers Notebook - Ward's Milestone Dampened By Loss]
[Dallas News: Romo Gives Panthers Nothing In Dallas Cowboys' 21-7 Win]
[ESPN: Owens Critical Of The Media]
[Seattle PI: So What Do You Think Of Seahawks In Green?]

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Filed under: Bill Belichick, Brett Favre, Cowboys Stadium Jumbotron, Football, Hines Ward, NFL, Seattle Seahawks, Shame, Terrell Owens, The Dallas Cowboys, The Pittsburgh Steelers, Tony Romo, Tough Losses

Hines Ward: You’re Okay, We’re Okay

After watching Hines Ward fumble what should have been a game-winning ball at the end of the fourth quarter against the Tennessee Titans last night, I wasn’t worried. I was shocked–because Ward simply doesn‘t suffer accidents like that, especially five yards from the goal line–but deep down, I knew the Steelers would hold the game into OT and pave the way for Jeff Reed to take it home.

Ward was shocked, too. He took it hard. Real hard. In fact, every time the camera cut to him from the moment of that gaffe until the game reached its final tally at 13-10, the usually-grinning Ward was hurting, hating himself. His eyes said it all–If he hadn’t been on a field with 26,000 tons of burly dudes, he would have been sobbing his ass off.

I wanted to jump through the television, transport myself from my L.A. living room to the chilly bench at Heinz Field, run over to him with a gatorade and a towel, and give him a big ol’ hug. I wanted to tell him: Buddy, it’s okay. It was a mistake, but one our team overcame. It’s hard for you because you don’t often make mistakes. You don’t understand failure, because it is unfamiliar to you. But dude, even almost-perfect people have imperfect moments. Like when my dad is shocked that he’s lost something (because he’s a robot and NEVER LOSES ANYTHING), or pissed when he sneezes, because he can’t believe his body would dare allow sickness–he doesn’t like it, but it happens. Try to let it go, honey pie. For this one colossal fuckup, you have and will make up for it with about nine-hundred bajillion superhuman awesome feats. You’re good. There’s no question about it. Nobody’s mad atcha. Let’s turn that frown upside down!!!

But I couldn’t transport myself to Pennsylvania. I could only watch as Ward sighed a pained air-gulp of relief as Reed’s kick sailed between the posts to end the contest. He tucked his head down and walked out of the stadium, weighed down with shame even though the Steelers walked away from the game 1-0. I realized that there was no consoling him (he’s a superstar blasian for crying out loud. Poor guy probably spent all night alternating acts of flogging himself with intense weight training and repeated recitation of: “You almost ruined it for everyone, you stupid jerk. Everyone, you stupid jerk! Agh! Stupid. Stupid!”). At least not for awhile.

This morning, assuming that there had been a good five minutes for photo-ops, I trolled the web for snaps of a forlorn Ward with tears in his eyes. But neither NFL.com nor ESPN seemed to find it necessary to document a close-up of his shame in their galleries.

Perhaps none of us want to see Ward make mistakes. We’d rather see him smile.

[Washington Post: Steelers Pick Up Right Where They Left Off]

Source

Filed under: Allergic to Failure, Blasians, Even Asians Make Mistakes, Flogging One's Self, Football, Hines Ward, Keep Yer Head Up, NFL, Pittsburgh Steelers

Bad Call

Respect for sports arbitrators are typically structured into the game itself. In baseball, for instance, respect for the umpire is built upon a tacit understanding; a player unhappy with a strike call can grumble all he wants, but the minute he turns around to confront and disgrace the ump, there’s gonna be T-R-O-U-B-L-E. In basketball, technical fouls can take a person out of the game, screwing up everything for the remaining lineup.

Still, I’ve always worried about the safety of sports refs–who at all times are making unpopular decisions in somebody’s viewpoint–which is why I’m so glad that in American football, the refs (like my favorite python master, Ed Hochuli, pictured below) tend to be as burly as the players themselves.

Ed Hochuli, selling tickets to the gun show. Pow pow!

But in the NFL, the odds of a defensive lineman taking out a ref aren’t high–any idiot attempting to lay a finger on a man in stripes would get slapped with a pocketful of 7-figure fines so fast, their heads would spin. Few things, after all, speak louder to an NFL player than the voice of $$$.

Perhaps my conditioning to relatively good behavior in the company of referees explains the shock I felt eyeballing this CNN video– a clip of Tianjin football players pursuing and basically attacking a ref after a match in Beijing.

Thank bejeezus the man in blue had some legs on him–but the players in the vid could really stand to learn a lesson about sportsmanlike conduct. Sore losing is just shameful. Hell, I know Asians love to win, but shit–don’t we also care in excess about honor and pride?

[CNN Video: Footballers attack referee]

Source

Thanks, Chris!

Filed under: Attacks, Bad Sportsmanship, Beijing, China, Ed Hochuli, Football, Footballers, Going Out WIth a Bang, Honor, NFL, Pride, Referees, Silly Chases, Sports

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Pick Me Pick Me Pick Me, Michael Irvin

Hai. Can’t really talk right now, because I’m kinda busy getting ready for my reality TV audition. I know, I know, reality TV…yick. I’m not in it for the fame or the money, I’ll have you know, since reality TV, like crime, don’t pay. But the prize on this show–which is sort of top-secret and doesn’t have a name yet–is a spot on the 80-person, training camp roster of the DALLAS FUCKIN’ COWBOYS. In other words, dream come true.

The show will be hosted by Michael Irvin and air this spring on Spike. Here’s what they’re looking for in a contestant:

They likely will need a football background — just not too much. They also must be the right age, size and condition to handle an NFL training camp.

“We want someone who will have a real opportunity to make the team,” Irvin said. He also indicated the better the backstory, the better an applicant’s chance of making the show.

Did somebody say backstory?! I’ve got more backstory than Michael Irvin’s got furs and hooker hush money! (Let’s hope they’re not sticklers about “right age, size and condition” however.) And I can throw a perfect spiral. In the ballpark of 10 to 12 yards. Especially if it’s a Nerf. And I can punt the ball in the same range, too. Also especially if it’s a Nerf. And though I’m not great at keeping my eye on the ball, I could learn, right? That’s why they call it training camp, isn’t it?

So pick me, Michael Irvin! Pick me!

Filed under: Dallas Cowboys Training Camp Reality Show, Dreams Come True, Football, Michael Irvin Reality Show, NFL, Pick Me, Reality TV Contestants, The Dallas Cowboys

BABEWATCH: Haloti Ngata

Name: Haloti Ngata

Age: 24

Hails from: Baltimore, MD (via Oregon, via SoCal)

Occupation: Professional Football Player

Why He’s A Babe: His name is fun as hell to say, he’s got a killer smile, and we’re suckers for burly bear cuties. Ngata is one helluva defensive lineman for the Baltimore Ravens, who boast the NFL’s #2 Defense (second only to you-know-who). If he didn’t seem so sweet, we’d be pretty scared bumping into him on a bad day, but since we aren’t on anybody’s O-line, we think we’re pretty safe.

All this said and done, though, I gotta pray that on Sunday, Ngata turns out to just be a pretty face, and totally wusses out while facing off with my Steelers for the AFC crown. Ngetoutta here, Ravens!

Source Source Source

Filed under: AFC Championship, Baltimore Ravens, Big Dudes, Defensive Linemen, Football, Haloti Ngata, Killer Smiles, NFL, Nose Tackles, Pittsburgh Steelers, Teddy Bears, This Dude Needs to Lose on Sunday

Oh Gods, Oh Gods, Are You There?

Those of you that have been with us for awhile know DISGRASIAN’s football history of solidarity. One of us a Cowboy, the other a Steeler, but somehow we’ve always made it work.

Truth be told, it’s been a lot easier for us to do this over the last handful of years because our teams haven’t even played each other since October of 2004. What’s a rivalry without a faceoff, we ask you? Old history.

But on Sunday, the Dallas Cowboys and Pittsburgh Steelers will meet at the line of scrimmage. Shit, muthafuckaz! What more can we do than leave this one to the gods?

Let us pray:

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Filed under: Football, Football Gods, NFL, Philadelphia Eagles, Prayers, Rivalries, Sunday, The Dallas Cowboys, The Pittsburgh Steelers

Oh, Plaxico Burr-ass

Plaxico, Plaxico, Plaxico.

You’ve got it all. A badass name that only an NFL player or urban mayor could rock. A Super Bowl ring that you’re basically responsible for. NFL receiving records. Height, speed, strength. Fame, fortune, success. The VaGiants couldn’t be looking better (You’re 11-1 ? Who’da thunk it?)–confidence has taken y’all far.

Oh wait, there’s more on your plate: For instance, a self-inflicted gunshot wound and probably a mandatory three-and-a-half year jail sentence for carrying an illegal handgun in New York. Wow! That’s a lot! (Also, bad news for the VaGiants!)

Plaxico, ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY? More importantly, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Do you hate freedom? Do you hate being celebrated? Do you hate holding your head up high? Do you hate being blown more than the Sahara Desert sands by football groupies?

Maybe, deep down, you just hate Eli Manning, and fucking up before playoffs is your twisted way of sticking it to him. Perhaps you’re just trying to prove Amani Toomer right by being a real fucking distraction, instead of proving him wrong and looking like the real man.

I ask this because I cannot understand why a star athlete such as yourself–with only a few weeks in the season left to behave in the season–should fuck up so royally. Didn’t the suspension teach you anything? Doesn’t winning mean anything to you? I hate to say it, but you could have it all. Correction: you could have had it all.

I don’t know what else to say, dude. I don’t understand you, and think you should really be ashamed of yourself for pissing away the great, god-given talent and opportunities laying in your royal lap. Goddamn!

Also, now, I’m really, really, really glad that you’re not on my team anymore.

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Filed under: Amani Toomer, Football, NFL, People That SHould Be Ashamed, Plaxico Burress, Self-Inflicted Gunshot Wounds? Huh?, Stupid Things That People Do, The New York Giants, The Super Bowl