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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Brazilian Soccer Team’s Chink-Eye Ad

August 5th, 2011 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

I don’t know much about soccer, but I think we can all agree it’s an international sport. It’s the world’s most popular sport, for one thing. And the sport’s crowning event, the FIFA World Cup, is a tournament with over 200 participating nations, and, consequently, the world’s most-watched sporting event.

“Real football” is also a game governed by international rules. Rules Brazil’s Santos FC broke this week when an ad was revealed featuring some its top players “celebrating” the fact that the 2011 FIFA Club World Cup will be held in Japan later this year.

This is sort of astounding when you consider Brazil is home to the largest population of people of Japanese descent outside of Japan. And while apparently there are a number of Brazilians on the interwebz defending Santos FC’s use of the chink-eye as a gesture of affection–sound familiar?–this ad still gets a red card.

Law 12 of the International Football Association Board's Laws of the Game clearly states a player can be sent off the field for "using offensive, insulting or abusive language and/or gestures"

Even if the chink-eye isn’t considered offensive in Brazil–which I find hard to believe, Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Brazilian Soccer Team’s Chink-Eye Ad

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To The Person Who Yelled “Konnichiwa, Bitches” During A Moment Of Silence For Japan [WARNING: GRAPHIC PHOTOS]

March 28th, 2011 | 16 comments | Posted by Jen

If there’s a hell, I’d like to imagine there’s a special ring for the American soccer fan who yelled “Konnichiwa, Bitches!” during a moment of silence held before a friendly match between the U.S. and Argentina.

There that soccer fan will be exposed Clockwork Orange-style to the most horrific images from the Japanese quake and tsunami that’s left over 10,000 dead at present count–or, if we’re being realistic, 28,000–to better understand who exactly he is saying hello to:

[WARNING: GRAPHIC]

Continue reading To The Person Who Yelled “Konnichiwa, Bitches” During A Moment Of Silence For Japan [WARNING: GRAPHIC PHOTOS]

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Did Somebody Mention Super Bowl XLV?

January 24th, 2011 | 10 comments | Posted by Diana

Guys, I’m gonna be honest. I’ve been a quieter football fan this year.

Err, umm, I’ve had my reasons.

But…

HOLYSHITOHMYGAWWHATTHEFUDGEISTHIS
REALLYTRUEISTHISREALLYHAPPENINGARE
WEREALLYHEREAGAINMYSTEELERSARE
GOINGTOSUPERBOWL45TOFACETHEMUTHA
FUZZINPACKERSINDALLASCOULDWEPOSSIBLY
BETHEWORLDCHAMPIONSYETAGAINOMGOMG
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!?!?!?

I am so friggin’ elated. So excited. So proud. So…

Just keep that mouth shut, Jerklisberger

…preoccupied by the shame I feel about one turd guy. UGH. How does he ruin EVERYTHING?

[National Football League: Super Bowl XLV]

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North Korean Soccer: Just Another Day At The Office

January 24th, 2011 | 3 comments | Posted by Jen

200 bona fide North Korean soccer fans arrived in Doha, Qatar via unicorn this month for the 2011 Asian Cup qualifiers. Fans of the other football have a reputation for being fanatical and violent in many countries, and the DPRK’s are no exception.

Shit was bonkers.

And then a brawl broke out in the stands.

Continue reading North Korean Soccer: Just Another Day At The Office

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Blame Polamalu?

November 8th, 2010 | 4 comments | Posted by Diana

By the grace of the football gods, my Steelers are currently 5-2 and holding strong in the AFC North –despite kicking off the season with four games sans their starting quarterback/resident douchebag. Last week was particularly painful–the boys (with douchebag) lost a great contest after a gritty fight with the awesome and beloved NOLA Saints.

As usual, I grumbled at the idiot calling plays and getting sacked on the field. Always the Hardass Asian Steelerfan: “Roethlisberger, you tool, move that ball! Why can’t you be more like Drew Brees? Look at your brothers Hines Ward and Mewelde Moore Troy Polamalu and James Farrior. They work so much harder than you. So much smarter!”

I was ultimately surprised to read that safety Troy “ol’ reliable” Polamalu placed the blame for the Saints loss squarely on his own broad, Samoan-American shoulders. To the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, he said:

“I think there are times in games where there were a lot of opportunities to make plays, and I didn’t make them,” he told the Tribune-Review. “It doesn’t have anything to do with anything physical with me, and maybe I’m second-guessing myself a little too much. But, other than that, we’re 5-2.”

Teammate Ryan Clark told the newspaper that Polamalu felt that he let the team down, which makes sense considering Polamalu’s addiction to perfection (the only addiction that is, by the way, so fucking ASIAN). But is my favorite safety really to blame for a loss against the NFL’s defending champions? Nah!

Still, I doubt anyone could convince Polamalu he’s wrong unless they’re married to him. I wouldn’t try. So my suggestion for redemption is simple: perfectly pound the Bengals tonight on Monday Night Football. Nothing says “I won’t fail again” like kicking kitty ass and taking names.

[Pittsburgh Tribune-Revie: Troy Polamalu - I Need To Play Harder]

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For Japan, The World Cup Is Half Empty

July 1st, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Diana

Yesterday’s Japan vs. Paraguay elimination game was one of the most arduous, intense—even cinematic of the World Cup so far.

It wasn’t a pretty game, but it was tight. Regulation play (90 minutes) ended in a draw. Overtime (30 minutes) ended in a draw. And then came the shootout (see video below… worst moment in the world at 4:05):

Both teams played head-to-head as long as possible, and in the end, it came down to ten kick attempts. In the Cup’s only shootout so far, Paraguay didn’t miss a penalty kick, and Japan did. The shootout ended at 5-3… with many tears.

Komano, after the failed penalty kick

Continue reading For Japan, The World Cup Is Half Empty

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BABEWATCH: North Korean Footballer Jong Tae-se

June 22nd, 2010 | 11 comments | Posted by Jen

Name: Jong Tae-se

Age: 26

Hails from: Japan

Occupation: Striker for North Korea’s 2010 World Cup Team

Y’all, I’m not gonna front. I am not a fan of The Other Football. It’s not that I don’t enjoy watching a soccer match, it’s just that I don’t feel compelled to. I didn’t grow up watching soccer in Texas–soccer was the sport you played at my high school if you were too small for football, basketball, baseball, swimming and even, trust me on this one, tennis–so I’ve never bothered to learn its nuances. I realize that this is considered by most of the world to be a personality defect, and I accept that.

But you don’t need to know much about the game to be intrigued by Jong Tae-se, star striker for North Korea’s 2010 World Cup team, who got pummeled 7-0 by Portugal yesterday, which got TIME magazine wondering if the loss was “A Fatal Loss of Face?” Jong was born and plays professionally in Japan, is third-generation South Korean, but attended North Korean sponsored-schools in Japan, and has chosen to represent North Korea in its first World Cup since 1966.

Continue reading BABEWATCH: North Korean Footballer Jong Tae-se

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Coach Norm Chow

May 6th, 2010 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Happy birthday to one of our favorite dudes in football, UCLA Bruins offensive coordinator Norm Chow, who turned 64 Monday!

Unfortunately for Coach Chow, we hear this year’s team is sorely lacking in O. But you may recall that we at DISGRASIAN, however, happen to have the ear of the Football Gods.

So we pray to you, Football Gods, to give Coach Chow a hand this year. They say Offense Wins Games, Defense Wins Championships, but a team needs to win games in order to win championships, no? Not that we’re caught up in our much ballyhooed, local college football, crosstown-rivalry drrrrrama. Seriously, we could kinda give a flying amen! about any of that because, as you know, our religious denomination is the NFL, but we just want Coach Chow to be happy. Because when he’s pissed, he kinda looks like our Hardass Asian Dads when we’ve disappointed them, and that scares us a little, you know? Like, take a look at Coach when he’s actually stoked on you and cheering you on:

Continue reading BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Coach Norm Chow

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Ed Wang, First Chinese American In The NFL

April 26th, 2010 | 27 comments | Posted by Jen

Name: Ed Wang

Age: 23

Hails from: Virginia

Occupation: Professional football player

So, first the good news: Over the weekend, 6’5″, 309 lbs. (no, that is not a typo) offensive tackle Ed Wang became the first Chinese American player drafted into the NFL.

As a Chinese American, a Wang, and a lifelong football fan, I weep for joy.

Now, the bad: He’s going to the Bills.

As a Chinese American, a Wang, and a lifelong football fan who’s always considered the Bills the whipping boy of the NFL–they last went to the playoffs in ’99, they’ve never won a championship, and they hold the dubious distinction of being the only team who’s gone to (and lost) four consecutive Super Bowls–I just weep.

Ah, well…two steps forward, one step back!

To learn more about Ed Wang, watch the video below. His parents Robert and Nancy are former Chinese Olympians–dad was a high-jumper, mom was a hurdler–and they’re cute as all get out. In that Hardass Asian Parent way, of course. Choice quote from Ed’s dad:

Continue reading AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Ed Wang, First Chinese American In The NFL

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Cotton Candy, Sweet And Low, Reprzentasian In The Super Bowl!

January 25th, 2010 | 7 comments | Posted by Diana

THE SAINTS ARE FINALLY GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep your eyes on amazian linebacker Scott Fujita (aka “Asian Assassin”) when they do.

Damn


That’s not actually asking much. Last night, during the NFC Championship shootout/battle royale/best game of the season, it was hard to look at anything else. When Fujita wasn’t putting pressure on Brett Favre, he and Anthony Hargrove were tackling him hard.

Continue reading Cotton Candy, Sweet And Low, Reprzentasian In The Super Bowl!

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Weak 3 Of The NFL Regular Season

September 29th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

NFL’s Week 3… oh, what a week. Did y’all see what we did?

Amazian blasian Hines Ward hit a major milestone Sunday afternoon during my Steelers’ away effort against the Cincinnati Bengals–he became the first black-and-gold-bleeder to surpass 10,000 receiving yards (further solidifying a future bid for the Hall Of Fame). Huzzah!

Sadly, the achievement was mired by Pittsburgh’s second 3-point loss in two weeks. To the BENGALS. Oy oy oy. Heal that knee, Polamalu, Heal! Our D needs you, baby!

But hey, it wasn’t all bad. Before MNF’s kickoff last night, Jen wondered aloud who the biggest QB tool of the evening would be: her Cowboys’ Tony Romo or the Panthers’ Jake Delhomme. Turns out, Delhomme served up more turnovers than a European bakery–perhaps suggesting what job he might actually do well at when he gets booted from Carolina–and America’s team added one in the win column. Phew.

Frankly, the Cowboys needed a home win like that, especially one on Monday’s snazzy nationwide stage. It was heartbreaking to watch them christen the new $1.5 billion dollar stadium in last week’s shameful loss to the Giants, particularly because Romo’s dorky disappointment was super-sized and crystal clear on that beautiful new Jumbotron.

But back to Sunday. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that perennial grouch/sweatponcho pioneer Bill Belichick might be considering a career change: WILL HE OR WON’T HE–join the Misfits, that is?

Just assessing the evidence being placed before our eyes. Mark my words, guys. Belichick is a punk.

And speaking of punks, can somebody please drive up to Buffalo to knock some sense into Terrell Owens? How can an avid Twitterer and star of a trashy VH1 reality show have the gall to lash out at “the media?” Is he not constantly serving himself up on a roasting dish for public consumption? Does he not understand what medium affords him the luxury of being known worldwide as “T.O.?” Aw hell no.

If only Owens could simply suit up, catch the ball (unless he’s playing the Saints), and shut the fuck up, for just one season. I just want to shake the dude and scream: “Play, Terrell! Play well! Play with the team! That’s all you need to do, for crying out loud! And while you’re at it, stop blaming everyone else and find yourself a rad therapist to quiet those angry voices in your head!”

Sigh.

On the other hand, one man proved himself for the billionth time, with one last-second torpedo into the end zone, that he is worth the hype:

Brett “Don’t tell Me I’ve Still Got It Cuz I Already Know It, Biatch!” Favre. I don’t care that he’s a Viking. The dude is magic–yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is everything that is great about football.

And the neon-green nightmare that is the Seahawks’ alternate uniform… is everything that is not great about football.


From the sportscaster desk, Howie Long called these “flat-out distracting.” I mean, wow–I am painfully embarassed for this team.

I’ve got a theory, though. The Seahawks are from Seattle: a place with clean air and beautiful cedar houses, where chanterelles grow a-plenty, delicious Kumamoto Oysters avail themselves as openly as slutty undergrads at USC, and–while wrapped in cuddly, North Face fleece–every ruddy-cheeked resident is at all times sipping on a perfect cup of coffee or a fine-tasting microbrew. Life is too good in the Pacific Northwest to warrant a winning football team. Awesome NFL teams were created to add awesomeness to an otherwise tough, shitpile existence (like living in Green Bay or Detroit). Seattle’s team doesn’t need to be awesome. And clearly, they don’t need to be suitably or subtly dressed, either.

Last but not least. Couldn’t help but notice that the Peyton Manning/Justin Timberlake Sony Ping Pong Commercial that aired during the Sunday games was not the “Mandarin” version hampered by their shoddy subtitles.

Are they listening to us? Or did they simply realize airing a commercial that’s actually funny yields great rewards?

Doesn’t matter. I just can’t wait for next week.

[Pittsburgh Post-Gazette: Steelers Notebook - Ward's Milestone Dampened By Loss]
[Dallas News: Romo Gives Panthers Nothing In Dallas Cowboys' 21-7 Win]
[ESPN: Owens Critical Of The Media]
[Seattle PI: So What Do You Think Of Seahawks In Green?]

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Hines Ward: You’re Okay, We’re Okay

September 11th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


After watching Hines Ward fumble what should have been a game-winning ball at the end of the fourth quarter against the Tennessee Titans last night, I wasn’t worried. I was shocked–because Ward simply doesn‘t suffer accidents like that, especially five yards from the goal line–but deep down, I knew the Steelers would hold the game into OT and pave the way for Jeff Reed to take it home.

Ward was shocked, too. He took it hard. Real hard. In fact, every time the camera cut to him from the moment of that gaffe until the game reached its final tally at 13-10, the usually-grinning Ward was hurting, hating himself. His eyes said it all–If he hadn’t been on a field with 26,000 tons of burly dudes, he would have been sobbing his ass off.

I wanted to jump through the television, transport myself from my L.A. living room to the chilly bench at Heinz Field, run over to him with a gatorade and a towel, and give him a big ol’ hug. I wanted to tell him: Buddy, it’s okay. It was a mistake, but one our team overcame. It’s hard for you because you don’t often make mistakes. You don’t understand failure, because it is unfamiliar to you. But dude, even almost-perfect people have imperfect moments. Like when my dad is shocked that he’s lost something (because he’s a robot and NEVER LOSES ANYTHING), or pissed when he sneezes, because he can’t believe his body would dare allow sickness–he doesn’t like it, but it happens. Try to let it go, honey pie. For this one colossal fuckup, you have and will make up for it with about nine-hundred bajillion superhuman awesome feats. You’re good. There’s no question about it. Nobody’s mad atcha. Let’s turn that frown upside down!!!

But I couldn’t transport myself to Pennsylvania. I could only watch as Ward sighed a pained air-gulp of relief as Reed’s kick sailed between the posts to end the contest. He tucked his head down and walked out of the stadium, weighed down with shame even though the Steelers walked away from the game 1-0. I realized that there was no consoling him (he’s a superstar blasian for crying out loud. Poor guy probably spent all night alternating acts of flogging himself with intense weight training and repeated recitation of: “You almost ruined it for everyone, you stupid jerk. Everyone, you stupid jerk! Agh! Stupid. Stupid!”). At least not for awhile.

This morning, assuming that there had been a good five minutes for photo-ops, I trolled the web for snaps of a forlorn Ward with tears in his eyes. But neither NFL.com nor ESPN seemed to find it necessary to document a close-up of his shame in their galleries.

Perhaps none of us want to see Ward make mistakes. We’d rather see him smile.

[Washington Post: Steelers Pick Up Right Where They Left Off]

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