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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: F*ck Cristal

September 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

TMZ reported Monday that Kobe “Beef Boy” Bryant got into a champagne-buying-duel with ferret-faced poker player Antonio Esfandiari at a club opening in Vegas. The story allegedly goes like this: Esferretdiari buys two bottles of Cristal, Beef Boy sees this and buys five, Esferretdiari buys ten, and then Beef Boy buys fifteen bottles of Cristal, racking up a $21,000 tab before leaving the club.

(LONG SIGH). (LONGER SIGH). (FEELINGS OF SADNESS AND CONFUSION).

Oh Kobe. You…stupefying dumbass. Anyone who’s ever listened to me on my soapbox knows that you and I will never see eye-to-eye. So to be perfectly blunt, why the fuck do you do shit like this? A Cristaaaaaaaaaaaal-off? Really? Did you not receive Jay-Z’s memo on that stupid yellow bottle of hype? Do you have a head injury, amnesia, or are you in a fugue state that has made you believe the year is 1999 and bling is still king? You do realize that you are arguably the most talented basketball player in the UNIVERSE, and yet you’re playing the most amateur version of Let’s Put Our Dicks on the Table with…a rodent?

I give up. You’re beyond help.

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