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Listen up, Moonfaces. If you, like me, always have to, as Tyra would say, “know your angles” in photographs (i.e. never ever give full-frontal mug), and your face tends to resemble a jelly donut when you have a hangover, are retaining water, didn’t get enough sleep, didn’t have time to put on make-up, or have packed on a couple pounds, there is a Japanese beauty product for you. It’s called the Face Slimmer and looks like the bastard offspring of an alien life-form who came to Earth and raped a hockey mask.
The Frisky reports on how the Face Slimmer works:
First, it melts the fat off your face by massaging your facial dermis…Then, the sweat produced from the poorly-ventilated mask combined with the sweat from your chubby cheeks acts as a sauna.
Which sounds hella dubious, but think of it this way: if the thing doesn’t work, you can always use it to scare the bejeezus out of your annoying neighbors.
Miley Cyrus took her fat face and creepy model boyfriend to Koi last night for some mediocre pseudo-sushi, apparently keeping her Blackberry close all night to Twitter constantly for her fans.
From Gossip Girls:
During the meal, Miss Cyrus let all of her Twitter fans know exactly how she was feeling, tweeting, “Eating sushi! Omgosh California Rolls are from heaven!!! Praise GOD!”
Now, that’s a tweet that we–had we been following the tween on Twitter–would have had to respectfully disagreet with via replytweet @mileycyrus (sorry, this is confusing for me twoo, I mean twoot, I mean–). Here’s the deal: California rolls are baaaarely sushi, and–as I learned from Jen after she did months of research with a multitude of our fine city’s famed sushi chefs– borne from Los Angeles and not “heaven.”
Miss Miley followed up her food epiphony with another insider nugget of info:
“My waiter at Koi looks like dude from HGTV! Is it weird if I ask for an autograph?”
Maybe we would just…say something…
@mileycyrus you aren’t talking about vern yip, are you?
@mileycyrus maybe he’z not asian, maybe just has a goofy face
@mileycyrus oh u must mean the other dude on hgtv, eric stromer? hot! http://tinyurl.com/blargh345
@mileycyrus u can make your face look thinner if u tilt it slightly
Her useless brain vomit:
“I WANT a fatwa. I used to see Salman Rushdie in the Sky Bar in L.A. He wasn’t in hiding; he became world-renowned for his fatwa. So why can’t I get a fatwa? Don’t they read my stuff?”
Jen and I, having avoided the ruffians at Sky Bar for a little over forever, can’t confirm as to whether or not Rushdie or Coulter have ever actually bid their respective ways past the doorman to drink 12-dollar mojitos in the mock-Moroccan poolside setting, so that will have to remain unconfirmed.
One thing, however, is for sure: Although Ann Coulter probably deserves a death edict, nobody actually reads her stuff.