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Okay, a note to whoever cut the new NMA animasian detailing Paris Hilton’s arrest record in light of her recent guilty plea for coke possession: Please come work at DISGRASIAN. PLEASE. PLEASE. We can pay you in barbed compliments and brown liquor. And awkward hugs.
Here’s the piece I’m referring to:
What isn’t covered in the video is what happened the following day. Poor little Paris flew all the way to Tokyo to make promo appearances peddling her bag and fragrance lines, but was denied entry to Japan at Narita airport. According to HuffPo, “under Japanese law, immigration authorities are empowered to deny entry to those who have been convicted of drug-related offenses.”
Hilton’s rep, Dawn Miller, made a statement on the celebutard’s behalf:
“Paris was contractually bound to her business trip and didn’t want to let down her brands and many Asian fans. She intended on fulfilling her contract and is trying hard to do the responsible thing, but this is beyond her control. She is very disappointed by tonight’s events. Paris is shocked and apalled that a famous-for-nothing of her tenure might actually have to be accountable for her derelict actions, and face any sort of consequences for her incessant spittooeying in the face of the law.*”
Filed under: Accountability, Awesome Japanese Behavior, Celebutards, Drug Offenses, Famous-For-Nothings, Ha Ha, Japan, Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton Detained At Narita Airport, Paris Hilton Sent Back From Japan, Paris Hilton Should Expire, Talentless White Girls
Oh, THERE you are Bobby Trendy!
I didn’t see you there.
Oh wait, let me restate that: I didn’t want to see you there.
It’s been so long since I’ve been gone
Another day might be too long for me
Traveling around I’ve had my fill
Of broken dreams and dirty deals
Continue reading Home At Last
Filed under: All the Wrong Career Moves, Coming Home, Crazians, Famous-For-Nothings, NYC, So she DOES have a talent!, Strip Clubs, Stripper Poles, Strippers, Tila Tequila, Tila Tequila Is Batshit, Weird Celebrity Behavior, Where is Rock Bottom?, You Can't Go Home Again
I don’t smile when a marriage splits up. Breakups are sad and awful things, and the end of a marriage is hardly a joke–they are painful for too many parties, from the parents to the kids to the kids’ teachers to mutual friends to the restaurant managers that always give married couples a free dessert after dinner to bubbly dry cleaner ladies that love to ask about how the other half is doing. The only people that enjoy divorces are lonely, angry folks and lawyers.
By no means a happy thing, but perhaps it is cause for celebrasian… for us all. This divorce brings the horrible couple one step closer to finality–or at least to taking their idiotic conflict offline, hopefully forcing them to focus on what’s gonna neutralize all of the shit they’ve put their kids through rather than their childish back-and-forth.
Meanwhile, the rest of us can all take a deep breath and the necessary 14 seconds to forget they ever existed.
So CONGRATULASIANS, Jon and Kate. We all probably need to get some closure and move on.
Filed under: Celebrasian, Divorce, Famous-For-Nothings, Fresh Divorces, Fucking Up Your Kids, Go Awaysian, Gosselin Kids, Gosselins Finalize Divorce, Jon and Kate Divorce, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Sad Things, The Gosselins
Great AMAs aesthetic.
We have been dying for you to cover your shit up for years. And now, look! You look fabulous!!! And FIERCE! Never better.
Keep up the good work! Don’t stop it if it’s workin’.
Filed under: AMAs, American Music Awards, Awards Shows, Bizarre Sartorial Choices, Bobby Trendy, Cover-Up, Crazy Faces, Face, Famous-For-Nothings, Good Moves, Photo Op Victims, Red Carpet Whores, Shit On Your Face, Ugh, What Does This Person Have To Do WIth Music?
MICHAEL LOHAN: Eyyyyyy! [points to Ratner] My boyyyyyyyyyyyyys!! Yo!
JON GOSSELIN: It’s so different when you know there’s a camera there.
BRETT RATNER: Right?
MICHAEL LOHAN: Oh. I always know there’s a camera there.
BRETT RATNER: Right.
JON GOSSELIN: So…ah…where are all the fine ladies, or y’know, where are the…?
BRETT RATNER: What’re you talkin’ about bro? There’s so much snatch here you’d think we were robbin’ a bank.
MICHAEL LOHAN: Yeah, I could get some work done in a little orifice space.
BRETT RATNER: I could lick the poon clean.
MICHAEL LOHAN: Yeah, I bet half the girls here screw better than my daughter.
[Astronomically awkward, 9-months pregnant pause]
JON GOSSELIN: I, uh…
MICHAEL LOHAN: Don’t get your panties in a wad, spermy! I’ve never laid a finger on my little girl. You know, right? You’re a father.
JON GOSSELIN: I love my children. I just hated my wife. And my life.
MICHAEL LOHAN: So you know what I’m saying. I think my daughter is an incredibly gifted, talented, mature woman. I’m very proud of her and if any journalist or blogger of Facebooker here wants to put me on record saying that, bring it on.
BRETT RATNER: Yeah. I think she’s super talented too. She looks really good. I’ve been dying to photograph her nude, artfully.
JON GOSSELIN: Oh, you know her?
BRETT RATNER: Oh yeah. I “know” her.
MICHAEL LOHAN: Yeah he does. I bet she fucks real good.
JON GOSSELIN: Um. Michael?
MICHAEL LOHAN: Kidding, Gossie, kidding! You have daughters… you know what I mean!
JON GOSSELIN: I…er… don’t, dude. I don’t think I do.
MICHAEL LOHAN: Ha ha ha!
BRETT RATNER: Man, we are a force to be reckoned with, huh? Bunch of sucessful, powerful, good looking dudes.
JON GOSSELIN: Thanks for noticing! I’ve actually been doing some crunches in the mornings. I don’t know if I would call myself super successful, though. Well, I’ve sorta co-written a book. And I know what you do. But I don’t actually know what Michael does.
MICHAEL LOHAN: I’m a student of life, brah.
BRETT RATNER: Yeah, he’s a student of life, man! Look at him! He’s the man!
MICHAEL LOHAN: You could photograph me nude.
BRETT RATNER: I should cast you guys in a movie! [To Gosselin] You’re part Chinaman, right? And what are you, a Gemini, Aries?
JON GOSSELIN: Chinaman?
MICHAEL LOHAN: You eat rice.
JON GOSSELIN: So do you!
BRETT RATNER: Yes, but [points to himself and Lohan] it’s different when we do it.
JON GOSSELIN: I’m half Korean. I’m also French and Welsh.
BRETT RATNER: “Oh welsh!” Hahaha! I think you could still be a really funny Chinaman.
JON GOSSELIN: I’m not an actor.
BRETT RATNER: That’s what people told Michael, and look at him. That’s what people told me, and look at me!
JON GOSSELIN: Um. Yeah. I’m starting to think that I don’t really want to.
The impossible has happened.
After three years of dating, some well-documented spats, and a handful of dropped “Where’s the ring?” hints, the inevitable has happened: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo, world’s least interesting sublebrity couple, have called it quits.
And no, we can’t really imagine a good reason to ever talk about this again.
Al Roker hosted Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt on the Today Show yesterday, and properly clowned the famous-for-nothings for majorly pussying out on the wait-this-is-an-actual-unscripted-reality show, I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!
After Roker’s opener, “Now there are those who say that you guys are the poster children for everything that is wrong with celebrity in this country,” the best part of the video is most certainly when the Today veteran asks Heidi a very simple question, referring to the couple’s messy exit from the show (3:40 of the clip): “Are you proud of this?”
He asks. Over. And over. And she fumbles because she can’t really deal, or understand, or–we’re hoping–actually be proud of her actions. Ever.
It’s painful, really. Until at last her answer surfaces: “I mean, I’m not ashamed.“
And, truth be told, we aren’t the least bit surprised.
If the tumbling world economy doesn’t kill the luxe House of Chanel (Lawd, please, no!), I do worry that an icky epidemic of sublebrity surrogates will.
I mean, as if this display alone isn’t bad enough…
…then (Ewwww!) THIS should do the trick:
Ultra-shame is the nail in the coffin, guys. The nail in the coffin.
Filed under: Bobby Trendy, Bringing Down the House, Chanel, Economic Crisis, Famous-For-Nothings, Heidi Montag, karl lagerfeld, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Puke, Shame by Celebrity Proxy, Sublebrities
Here’s a bitch fight I wish I’d witnessed:
“…Tila [Tequila] saw Joel [Madden, and] ran up to him and started acting super flirty-grabbing and hugging him,” a spywitness told The National Enquirer.
“Nicole had her back turned,” the insider continued, “But when she realized that Tila was all over him, she ran up and yelled, ‘Joel..JOEL!”
Nicole pulled Joel away to the couple’s table, but that wasn’t a big enough of a hint for Tila, who continued pursuing Joel in the presence of her pregnant companion. When she tried approaching Joel a second time, all Hell broke loose.
“That was the last straw for Nicole. She got right in Tila’s face and screamed, ‘Back off and get out of here.’”
Tila stood her ground for a few moments, but left the affair red-faced with shame once she realized Nicole’s outburst had made her the laughing stock of the party.
Ooh, the fireworks! Midge versus midge! Stick arms versus stick arms! Famous-for-nothing versus famous-for-nothing! And all over Play-doh-faced Joel Madden–there hasn’t been a celebutard love showdown this worthless since Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff duked it out over Aaron Carter!
Decisions, decisions… who can you root for?
PARIS: [rolling eyes] Uh-huh.
TILA: You look good, girl.
TILA: How ARE you?
PARIS: Good. Um, interesting dress… thing, or whatever.
TILA: Thank you! I’m trying to do a throwback to like, old, uh, Hollywood glamour, or whatever.
PARIS: Or like, disco?
PARIS: And like, mummies. And nurses.
TILA: Hmph. [scans Paris's body] Are you even wearing a dress?
PARIS: My parts are covered and I look hot, so yeah.
TILA: Ah. I feel bad for you. I don’t like, roll that way anymore. I changed my image.
PARIS: To what? A singer for ABBA?
TILA: No, like cleaned up and classy. I had my lawyers start taking all of the pictures of me off of the Internet.
PARIS: [laughs uncontrollably] I don’t think that’s going to work, betch.
TILA: [getting angry] What, bitch?
PARIS: Nothing. Never mind. I’m sure people will totally take all of those pictures of your dirty pussy off of the Web. Are we done here?
TILA: We’re done here, you hater!
PARIS: Good, I need to go get some disinfectant for my face.
TILA: Oh that’s really nice. Really nice. While you’re at it, you should disinfect your crotch.
PARIS: Whatever you say, cooze breath.
TILA: Eat a dick!
PARIS: I will!
[They stomp off in a huff.]
TILA: [to self] Hunh. Who won that one?
I kissed a girl and I…