You are currently browsing posts tagged with Fake Tits

Proof Positive OMG Tila Tequila’s OMG Lost All Sense Of Reality OMG

May 18th, 2010 | 4 comments | Posted by Jen

LIKE WOW OMG WTF LOL!!!!!!!!!

Tila Tequila has a gossip blog called MissTilaOMG.com!!! OMG!!! And like Tila, it has a VERY tenuous grip on reality!!! For example! Gossip Cop reported today that Tila posted about Drew Barrymore’s tell-all coloring book!!! And she asked her readers if they’d buy it and who exactly was the intended audience?! OMG!!! Because it, like, deals with adult themes like addiction and SEXuality!!!!!

Only problem is, the coloring book isn’t REAL!!! It’s a fake-as-Tila’s-breasts story from The Onion!!! WATCH BELOW LOL!!!!!!!

Continue reading Proof Positive OMG Tila Tequila’s OMG Lost All Sense Of Reality OMG

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The Difference Between Being a Hardass Parent and a C U Next Tuesday

May 29th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Conversation that took place recently between me and my Hardass Asian Mama:

HAM: You know, there is another side to this Hardass Asian Parent thing.

ME: (all ears) Yeah?

HAM: I mean, yes, there are Hardass Asian Parents, but there are also Hardass Asian…Children. And Hardass Asian Children can be as bad as the parents. They can be just as critical and show disapproval, and don’t you think we’re afraid of that, too?

ME: (LMFAO) Uh, and where do you think we learned that from?!

I can’t say for sure, because I’m not yet a parent, but I am of the general belief that, if your kid’s a cunt, you’re a cunt. Sure, there are random cunts that can’t be accounted for, but usually, you can trace cunty behavior back to a Cunty Dearest. I thought of this yesterday when I read that Candy Spelling recently blamed the death of her husband and TV legend, Aaron Spelling, on their daughter Tori, in a radio interview. Aaron Spelling, who passed away in 2006 at age 83, was diagnosed with oral cancer in 2001 and suffered a stroke right before he died.

I’m no fan of Tori (although I couldn’t help watching every episode of her VH1 sitcom, So NoTORIous, a few years back, for some reason). Donna Martin was a drip. And Tori’s career is the product of the most egregious kind of nepotism. I’ll never understand, either, why all the money in the world can’t straighten that nose job or plug up that bizarre keyhole she has between her fake breasteses.

But publicly saying that her not speaking to her father is “what killed (him)”? That’s not Hardass. That’s not even possible. That’s just being a bad fucking parent.

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Bikinis and Coffee: Best Pairing Since Bananas and Blow

May 27th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Our friend Raymond sent over this local Fox News piece, broadcast live (no idea why) from one of Garden Grove, CA’s newest and hottest Vietnamese alternatives to Starbucks: Cafe Di Vang 2.

I know what y’all expect from me: an angry, shame-filled tirade. I know, I know… there’s so much innuendo in this news piece alone–Vietnamese ladies in “high heels and revealing outfits?” Providing “quality service?” Plenty scandalous. Probably pretty bad for the collective rep of my peeps. Hey, these comfort cafes are nothing new in Little Saigon. But whatever.

All I’ve got to say is wow, they can get dudes in these economic times to pay 6 bucks for a smoothie and $4 for a nonrefillable coffee? Dayum, these ladies must be doing something right. Whatever that something may be.

[MyFoxLA: The New Sexy Vietnamese Cafes]

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Thanks, Raymond!

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Boob Ram

May 7th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

“Don’t Ram the Boobs” seems like a game that my boyfriend would invent after a night of Tecate, spicy pizza, medicinal pot, Cazadores, White Castle burgers, a round of Trivial Pursuit, three pot cookies, two quesadillas, Modelo Especial, a few rounds of “How Hard Can You Squeeze a Raw Agg Before It Cracks and Splatters Everywhere?”, a 32oz. of Miller High Life, one more pot cookie, an around-the-room test of “Who Can Eat a Tablespoon of Cinnamon?”, a plate of Thai larb salad, and three bottles of Pellegrino.

I can just imagine coming home to a very rudimentary setup of “DRTB” accompanied by the words, “But honey! All you have to do is wear this bikini and STAND THERE!”



Sounds pretty fun. And let’s be honest. I’m my mom’s flat-chested progeny, and I’m not getting fakies anytime soon–which could give the dude and his fellow contestants quite the handicap. I’m IN.

[via Break.com]

Thanks, Thomas!

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We Got to Praysian Just to Make It Todaysian

January 9th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana


Dear Fuck God,

First of all, let me thank you for all of my wonderful gifts. Thank you for my luscious weave, my bodacious fake tits, and my wonderful husband. Thank you for convincing my mother to give me the space that I need, mostly ‘cuz I feel she is a stupid and dumb, fat bitch anyway.

Next, I would like to say sorry for a couple of things. I am sorry that I voted for John McCain. I am sorry that I brought shame to the House of Chanel. I am sorry that I tried to bring shorts back into style.

Finally, I would like to ask for forgiveness. I would like to apologize for all of Spence’s and my staged photo-shoots, particularly the most recent one in which Spencer and I pretended to get martial arts training. Listen, I know they’re really annoying. I know we look ridiculous, but here’s the thing–I feel like we’ve basically signed our souls away to the Fuck Devil. Fuck God, at this point, unless I want to just bow out of life completely, I’ve got no choice but to keep up this douchery. So I’m sorry, so sorry, and wish that instead of pretending to fight in these last photos, Spence and I were actually, truly beating the shit out of each other, perhaps to the death, so that we could put each other out of our misery and make the world a happier, better place.

Anyway, gotta go. We’ve got a rezzie at the Ivy for “lunch.”

Smoochles,
Heidi

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America’s Next Top Model: Eliminasian

October 30th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Alas, alack, we’ll have to wait ’til next year for an Asian-American Top Model. Sheena Sakai was eliminated from ANTM last night after turning in another boring photo, which seemed to be her only way of responding to the judges’ constant criticism that girlfriend was too hoochie. Despite my enthusiasm for Sheena in the beginning, she was starting to work my last nerve, always picking fights in the house and getting on her soapbox, spoken word-style, about things that were really none of her beeswax, like Marjorie’s shyness or Elina’s control issues (both tired subjects, admittedly). She did handle her exit with restraint, however, without tears or drrrrrrama or uttering that horribly cliché but now de rigueur reality TV closing line, “This isn’t the last you’ve seen of (me in the third person).” Okay, she offered up a version of that–”I’m not going to be forgotten”–but then contradicted herself immediately with “and hopefully, I won’t be,” as though she had finally seen the bullshit in her own bluster. Was this a farewell to fakery for Sheena Sakai, i.e. what is she going to do about those boobs? Tits not for me to say, really.

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When Former Fake Lovers Collide

October 27th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Together Again: Courtenay Semel and Tila Tequila celebrate Tila’s 27th birthday in Miami

COURTENAY: I thought we were broken-up. Didn’t I cheat on you or something?

TILA: Hahahahahaha! You’re so funny! That’s why I love you! My girlfriend’s got jokes! Smile for the paps! Make it look real! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

COURTENAY: This is getting a little old, don’t you think? By the way, your dress reminds me of a trash bag. I sorta want to dump my receipts and purse-lint into it.

TILA: Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday, dear Tila–

COURTENAY: What, what are you doing with my hair?

TILA: I’m playing with it because you’re my girlfriend. And that’s what girlfriends do. Partaaaaaaaaaaaay! We’re having so much fun! (loudly, to the assembled crowd) I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO TAKE THIS GIRL HOME AND LICK HER PUSSYYYYYYYYYY! Yum yum!

COURTENAY: Wow. I thought I was a publicity whore. But I’m starting to think that this is really beneath me. You do know that no one believes you’re gay, right?

TILA: When I play with your hair, nobody notices that your eyes are crossed! Yippeeeeeeee!

COURTENAY: Sigh. (to the paps) Do you guys mind taking the picture? I’d like to finish this up, then go home, draw a nice warm bath, put on some Sarah McLachlan, slit my wrists lengthwise, and call it a day, okay?

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Gimme a D-O-L-L

September 29th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Cowboys lost yesterday to the Redskins, putting a major damper on all the too-early-in-the-season-Super-Bowl-chatter. In related news, I learned this week that the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Barbie only comes in three flavors: vanilla (“Caucasian”), chocolate (“African-American”), and coffee (“Hispanic”). Is the first Cowboys loss of the season and this doll-item related? Probably not. (Dallas’ bullshit-secondary is the more likely culprit.)


But what the F is up with that, Big D? What about all those little Asian girls who want to grow up to be fake-breasted, skimpy outfit-wearing, dirty dancing-hobags, risking disownment and alienasian from their families? Who will they model themselves after?


Oh. Well, okay. Never mind.


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ANTM’s Sheena Sakai: Bust-ed

September 11th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Sheena Sakai got busted for having fake TyTys last night on America’s Next Top Model. Paulina Porizkova asked her flat-out (so to speak) if her breasts were fake and Sheena said, “No, Ma’am,” which I imagine made the 43 year-old judge vomit in her pretty mouth because cool chicks married to rockers don’t cotton to being called “Ma’am.” (By the way, have you ever wondered what Paulina and Ric Ocasek talk about, like, over breakfast?) But Sheena had a change of heart and came forward again after all the girls had been addressed by the judges to, as she said, get something “off (her) chest” (around the 5:00 mark):

Which was an incredible set-up for Tyra to then have her Oprah moment and tell Sheena:

I knew your breasts were not real. But one thing that I feel is absolutely beautiful is that you stepped forward and you said, you know what, I’m gonna tell the truth.

And that’s when I vomited in my pretty mouth.

PREDICTION: After ANTM Cycle 11 is over, Tyra will have Sheena on The Tyra Banks Show for a Fake-Tits-Are-Baaaaaaaaaad story, we’ll go into the operating room with Sheena as she gets them taken out and Tyra holds her hand, telling her how “brave” she is, how beautiful she is on the inside and out, and how she’s a wonderful example to young girls everywhere.

*sighs and golf-claps*

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Still Not Bi-ing It

August 5th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen
Courtenay Semel with her alleged new girlfriend, Tila Tequila


TILA: Hurry up, betch, and kiss me.

COURTENAY: Hold your horses, lady! I gotta uncross my eyes first.

TILA: Ughhh. Not that again.

COURTENAY: Yes, that again.

TILA: I sure know how to pick ‘em.

COURTENAY: (hysterically laughing) Betch, pleeeeeease. Do you know how much my daddy’s worth? I could buy your little Chinese ass if I wanted to.

TILA: Dude. I’m Vietnamese, you dumb slut.

COURTENAY: What’s the diff?

TILA: Good point. Did you get those wonk-eyes uncrossed yet? We gotta make out, betch. People don’t believe I’m bi and I really really really need the street cred, ‘kay?

COURTENAY: And I really really really need people to know who the fuck I am. Hanging out with other rich betches is not really helping. (beat) You’re right. We both really really really need each other.

TILA: That’s what I’m sayin’! Trust me. I have the Mid-ass touch. Everything I rub on turns to gold.

COURTENAY: Alright, alright! I’ve almost got my eyes uncrossed.

TILA: Fuck. We’re getting nowhere with this. (sighs) Just take the picture.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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