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Here’s a video on “How To Be Asian” by some chick named Nicole. It’s supposed to be funny or something? Apparently it’s an inside joke and part of an ongoing schtick of Nicole’s that involves putting shit on her face to become another race (black, usually) and maybe being self-satirizing about it but also maybe just being lazy and racist.
Taped eyes? Yellowface? Ching chong? Yawn.
The real tip on “How To Be Asian” that’s missing from the vid? If you want to be Asian, rule number one is Don’t Suck. I don’t know if this video was supposed to make me laugh or give me an outrage boner but neither happened. It just kinda hung there like a stale fart waiting to be collected in a glass jar and ushered out of the room so the rest of us could carry on. It was meh, it was mediocre. Mediocrity, of course, is failure, and failure isn’t Asian.
Filed under: Alexandra Wallace, Asians Hate Failure, Ching Chong Ling Long Ting Tong, Do Better, FAIL, Failure, How To Be Asian, Mediocrity, Racist Videos, Stupid White Chicks, Unfunny Stuff, Viral Videos, Wannabes
Hey look! It’s the mini-me versions of us…
…if we’d been raised in some fucked-up alternate universe where there are no rules, grades, or words like “unacceptable,” “disown,” and “failure”; no forced violin and piano lessons; no math workbooks during summer vacation; no aspirations for NASA or the Nobel; no Hardass Asian Dads forbidding hot pants, high-heeled boots, and hooker poses; no Hardass Asian Moms screaming at us about looking cheap, about how “low-class” tanning is and how make-up prematurely ages your skin not to mention how all this correlates–somehow, don’t ask–with poorer test scores, lower income, and an overall decrease in college, marriage, and life prospects, really.
[via I Hate My Parents]
Filed under: Creepy, FAIL, Failure, Hardass Asian Dads, Hardass Asian Fathers, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Hardass Asian Parenting, Hardass Asian Parents, Object Lessons, Paging Tiger Mom, Parenting FAIL, Pedobait, Raised by Wolves, Softass Asian Parents, Thank God for Our Hardass Asian Parents, Underachievers
For those of you eagerly awaiting a very public failure from one of Tiger Mom Amy Chua’s prodigy offspring–like a crack cocaine bender or half-naked photos leaked onto the Internet–so that you can feel better about your own parenting-style/feel better about the lax way in which you were parented/feel better about the strict way in which you were parented that weirdly didn’t yield the same sort of results/feel better about the fact that “the Chinese way” isn’t better therefore you don’t have to confront your diminishing place in the global power structure/oh hell, just feel better about yourself in general…
Um, better luck next year?
Because this year, Chua’s Number One Daughter, Sophia (pictured), has been accepted to Harvard–Chua’s alma mater and where she and her invisible husband, Jed Rubenfeld, received their law degrees–despite the fact that the university took only 6.2 percent of its undergraduate applicants for the Class of 2015, which was the lowest admissions rate of all the Ivies. And according to Above the Law, Sophia has already decided to matriculate there as well.
But hey, there’s still time for Lulu–Chua’s Number Two Daughter who teaches her Tiger Continue reading Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior: Because Their Daughters Get Into Harvard, That’s Why
Filed under: Allergic to Failure, Amy Chua, Amy Chua Tiger Mother, Asians Hate Failure, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Class of 2015, Failure, Harvard, Harvard Law School, Harvard University, Jed Rubenfeld, Legacies, Louisa Chua-Rubenfeld, Lulu Chua-Rubenfeld, Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld, Tiger Cubs, Tiger Mom, Tiger Mom's Daughter Accepted To Harvard, Tiger Mom's Daughter Gets Into Harvard, Tiger Moms, Yale Law School
In all of my three decades of life, I have never once been skinny.
Now–before you get all up in my grill with the, “Ohmygawd Diana, you’re NOT fat” words of soothing or the “You bitch, don’t talk to me about not being skinny” words of annoyance, please know that I’m not fishing for compliments, nor complaining about my size, nor stating I’ve never been a healthy, normal weight. I’m just saying, I’ve never been skinny.
But Asian girls are supposed to be skinny, right?
That’s like, the Asian girl thing: “Oh gosh, I just eat and eat and eat but I can’t gain any weight.” And “Urggg–they ran out of size zeros.” And “I was the skinniest person on my softball team in high school and I always hated it.” And “I can’t believe it, Yennie and I both hit three-digit weights over the holidays and we almost died!” Slight frames and narrow shoulders and bony hips and knobby knees and protruding ribs and flat asses and tiny breasts and slender thighs and stick arms. It’s our answer to the world’s Amazon legs and blonde waves and sexy curves. We’re skinny, betches.
Well, some of us.
Then there are the rest of us. We are sized 4, 6, 8, 14, 20. Medium and XXL. We do not eat whatever we want. Our clothes don’t “hang” on us. We cannot fathom wearing thigh-high boots. We have learned to like Diet Coke. We see photos of ourselves at weddings and realize that our arms are the same size as our cousins’ legs. We do not get lifted whimsically in the air by men. We have never liked our knees. We walk into an Asian supermall and watch them shake their heads–Your size we do not carry. We have Continue reading AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Lisa Lee And Lynn Chen’s “Thick Dumpling Skin”
Filed under: Anorexia, Blogs, Body Image, Community, Eating Disorders, Failure, Fat, Forums, Hardass Asian Grandmas, Healthy Weight, Hyphen, Let's talk about it, Lisa Lee, Lynn Chen, Maggie Q, Skinny Legs, Taboo, The Actor's Diet, Thick Dumpling Skin, Weight, Yunjin Kim
On the day of my grandma’s funeral, I found out that she had miscarried four times in her life. She ultimately gave birth to eight healthy, wacky, Hardass children (one of them, my mother), but the news of her failed pregnancies remained secret until after she had passed away from cancer. Afterwards, I never went to my own mom to ask what happened, how the miscarriages affected her mom. I just didn’t really feel like I should.
But since then, I have been quietly fascinated, or maybe the word is troubled, by the secrecy of miscarriage.
As you may know, Lisa Ling appeared on her TV alma mater, The View, today and shared an intimate story of disappointment from having miscarried a 2-month pregnancy six months ago. Watching the segment, I was saddened–though not surprised–to learn about her reaction to the news:
“It was so shocking for me, as someone who is a very ambitious and–in my own head–competent person to have had this happen. I just felt like such an incredible failure.“
It seems like such a double curse that a woman who experiences a loss of this nature (I use the term “nature” purposefully, since in the end, she’s the woman really responsible for how the story goes) must also feel a kind of personal accountability for the bitter outcome. And the emotional corridor hardly ends there–choose from Door #2–shame, Door #3–loneliness, Door #4–fear that it will happen again. That’s a lot for one person to handle on their own. And the sad fact is, most people in this situation–like my grandma–do go it alone.
But this is why Ling decided to share her story in the public arena, an attempt to destigmatize talk of miscarriage. And, perhaps with an understanding that not all ladies have her balls of steel–or confidence to put all her cards out on the table, she and friend/partner Sophia Kim have taken this action a step further by creating a site called Secret Society Of Women. On the site, women sign in anonymously and unearth secrets: confessions of unsatisfying sex lives to shame about STDs to guilt about affairs Continue reading Lisa Ling: Some Secrets Are Worth Sharing
We’ll be away from our desks the month of August, carrying on with the non-bloggy aspects of our lives, watching mindless movie blockbusters, and indulging in summery drinks made with generous pours of bourbon. During this month, we’ll be linking each day to a different website that we ♥. Hopefully you’ll discover something delightful and new while we’re gone. If not, you are a serious Captain Crankypants and are probably in dire need of a summery drink made with a generous pour of bourbon.
‘Til September, lovelies.
Though Jen is an IKEA instruction savant, I am nothing of the sort. I once tried to help my sister construct a HEMNES bed frame, but ended up bending most of the pegs and Continue reading DISGRASIAN’s Summer Reading: Kenyon Yeh’s UNIKEA
‘The Last Airbender’ May Be The Worst Movie Of All Time Which Means There May Be Such A Thing As Karma
Did I invoke “karma” in the title of this post because M. Night Shyamalan, director of The Last Airbender, is Indian? Sure. But given how, in the 24 hours since the movie’s opened, it’s already being heralded as quite possibly The Worst Movie Ever, he may not be for long, as soon people will be forming long lines not to see his latest cinematic debacle but, instead, to take away his Indian card, his Asian card, his DGA card, his WGA card, his AmEx card, and– why stop there?–even his SUBWAY® card, if he’s into that sort of thing, and something tells me that if white bread’s involved, he is.
Having already pissed off his brethren by casting white actors in the movie’s lead Asian roles, not getting why that was such a big deal, and hiding behind terms like “culturally diverse” and “multicultural” without understanding how his casting decisions actually ran contrary to those principles, Shyamalan’s now managed to get himself disowned by pretty much the rest of universe. Here are a few excerpts from the public drubbing The Last Airbender‘s received so far:
“The dearth of racially appropriate casting in the U.S. simply means that fewer Asians were humiliated by appearing in what is surely the worst botch of a fantasy epic since Ralph Bakshi’s animated desecration of The Lord of the Rings back in 1978. The actors who didn’t get to be in The Last Airbender are like the passengers who arrived too late to catch the final flight of the Hindenburg.”–Richard Corliss, TIME, ‘The Last Airbender: Worst Movie Epic Ever?’
“…the best way to watch ‘The Last Airbender’ is probably with Continue reading ‘The Last Airbender’ May Be The Worst Movie Of All Time Which Means There May Be Such A Thing As Karma
Filed under: Avatar: The Last Airbender, Bringing Shame to Your Family, Cultural Diversity, Desis, Disownment, Dubious Distinctions, FAIL, Failure, Indian-Americans, Last Airbender Worst Movie Ever, M. Night Shyamalan, Multiculturalism Can Be More Than Lip Service, Public Drubbings, The Last Airbender, The Racial Draft, Whitewashing, Worsts, Yellowface
Barack Obama Tells Students Failure Is ‘Okay,’ Gives Several Hardass Asian Parents a Collective Heart Attack
Dear President Obama,
Where in the world were you when I was growing up? Why weren’t you speaking to me in school, telling me that lots of successful people experience failure, instead of saying, “If you are not the very best, then you are a total failure; if you are a failure, you are dead to us,” like my parents? Couldn’t you have taken them aside at some point and been like, “Hey, your daughter seems pretty smart and very enthusiastic about taking her life in a unique direction that will no doubt be successful. But sometimes, she’ll slip a little on the way. Try not to go too hard on her for that A minus or decision to be an English major. Eventually she’ll have the ability to write about you in a blog that’s accessible from all over the world, and don’t you want those words to be nice? Just a little advice.”
“BEING SUCCESSFUL IS HARD?” Why didn’t I hear this years ago? This sentence alone could have saved me about 3,496 tears and hours of therapy. For crying out loud, don’t you think I could’ve used this little pep talk a couple of decades ago, sir? Hell, I could have used this pep talk LAST WEEK. Sigh.
Lastly, what’s up with the “that’s okay” phrase you used with the kids today? What does that mean? Who says that? I heard “that’s okay” when I brought home a 4.0 GPA instead of an 4.3 and asked, “Isn’t that good?” And when I offered my parents tickets to see me perform in my junior high musical (“Eh, that’s okay”). But acknowledging that a kid might fuck up a couple times in their life and saying it’s “okay?” That I just don’t understand.
Anyway, that’s it for now. Talk to you soon!
The following headline appeared in the Wall Street Journal today:
And yeah, we do rule, as the ethnic group taking the largest strides with rising SAT scores last year.
Which means we’ve all failed.
Can somebody please ask this young’un to–as my parents would say–stop “enjoying life” and stick to real work, like learning calculus?
He may try to be humorous, but–as my parents would say–all we see is failure.
Marcus Epstein should know by now: Shame never dies.
After all: shame, disappointment in self, feelings of failure and a deep sense of self-loathing (shocker of the century: Epstein is half-Jewish, half-Korean) are apparently what drove the former Tom Tancredo speechwriter into a deep depression during 2007, according to Team America head Bay Buchanan. As Buchanan explains, the depression eventually led him to the drink, and it is in a deep state of inebriasian that the following occurred:
“On July 7, 2007, at approximately 7:15 p.m. at Jefferson and M Street, Northwest, in Washington, D.C., defendant [Marcus Epstein] was walking down the street making offensive remarks when he encountered the complainant, Ms. [REDACTED], who is African-American. The defendant uttered, ‘Nigger,’ as he delivered a karate chop to Ms. [REDACTED]’s head.”
Ah, hate crimes–it’s always the alcohol and aversions to failure, isn’t it?
Though he pled guilty in early 2008, Epstein will not receive sentencing until July 8 of this year. He likely thought this episode was almost entirely behind him–but the story surfaced when that longtime boss of his started flapping his jaws about how Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor “appears to be a racist.” Um, those hanging out with their Jewsian pals in glass houses…
Talk about failures–we can’t think of an easier bid for being a big, fucking failure than being a violent, racist, conservatard inmate. Ick. We just really wish Epstein would disappear, because he’s giving Jews and Asians alike a bad name.
(Then again, he seems to be doing the same for Tancredo, so maybe it’s all a push, eh?)
Filed under: A Fucking Karate Chop?, Bay Buchanan, Conservatards, Failure, Fuckers, Hate Crimes, Jewsians, Marcus Epstein, Racial Slurs, Racists, Shame Spirals, Sonia Sotomayor, This is Bullshit, Tom Tancredo
Four years on the musical slave plantasian has apparently not been kind to Gwen Stefani’s vocal cords.
The new No Doubt leaked release (a cover of Adam Ant’s “Stand and Deliver”) is shit. Absolute shit. I’ve tried to get through a complete listen–using a survival tactic often purposed for bad sex–by focusing on the image of Tony Kanal’s oh-so-pretty face and trying not to listen too hard to the slinkys that have apparently lodged themselves in Stefani’s larynx, but it’s not working at all. Is this No Doubt comeback reunion really going to work? Does the chick with the microphone even have the ability to make music without Japanese backup anymore?
It’s gonna take awhile to answer those questions. Somebody get me an Excedrin Migraine and a vibrator, stat.