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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! This Wack “How To Be Asian” Tutorial

August 12th, 2011 | 8 comments | Posted by Jen

Here’s a video on “How To Be Asian” by some chick named Nicole. It’s supposed to be funny or something? Apparently it’s an inside joke and part of an ongoing schtick of Nicole’s that involves putting shit on her face to become another race (black, usually) and maybe being self-satirizing about it but also maybe just being lazy and racist.

Taped eyes? Yellowface? Ching chong? Yawn.

The real tip on “How To Be Asian” that’s missing from the vid? If you want to be Asian, rule number one is Don’t Suck. I don’t know if this video was supposed to make me laugh or give me an outrage boner but neither happened. It just kinda hung there like a stale fart waiting to be collected in a glass jar and ushered out of the room so the rest of us could carry on. It was meh, it was mediocre. Mediocrity, of course, is failure, and failure isn’t Asian.

[LA Weekly: How to Become Asian: Alexandra Wallace Wannabe Takes Video Racism to New Low]

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@DirecTV: Your Dat Phan “Whale” Ad Blows

July 25th, 2011 | 14 comments | Posted by Jen

Dear Cable Overlord,

I’ll be honest, I’m still kinda pissed at you for making me break up all those years ago with my Mac-like TiVo and forcing me into a marriage with your PC-like fake-TiVo-that-doesn’t-have-a-catchy-name. I miss those cute noises my TiVo used to make, even that weird bonk it issued when I pushed the wrong button or what have you. But you’ve given me the MLB, NFL, and NBA packages, and Friday Night Lights six months ahead of everyone else and now Damages, so, really, I’ve had little cause to complain since.

But this, DirecTV’s “The Whale” ad starring Dat Phan, winner of the first Last Comic Standing? This blows.

Here’s why:

  1. You’re clearly ripping off Ken Jeong’s Mr. Chow from The Hangover movies.
  2. While I love me some Ken Jeong almost any day of the week, Mr. Chow is basically awful and your rip-off is worse.
  3. An Asian accent isn’t a stand-in for funny.
  4. Wait, was this ad supposed to be funny? I’m assuming because you hired a comedian, the answer is yes. But I can’t tell. Seriously, I can’t tell.
  5. Let’s assume this ad was supposed to be funny. Jokes about an Asian person being small are played and unfunny. So I guess you weren’t trying to be funny? See that? Now I’m confused, which is never a good thing in advertising.

But, hey, listen. If you finally get that new and improved DirecTV TiVo DVR out this year that you’ve been teasing me with for the last three, I may find it in my heart to forgive.

Your begrudging cable serf,

Jen

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Two Arguments In Favor Of Hardass Asian Parenting

May 24th, 2011 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Hey look! It’s the mini-me versions of us…

…if we’d been raised in some fucked-up alternate universe where there are no rules, grades, or words like “unacceptable,” “disown,” and “failure”; no forced violin and piano lessons; no math workbooks during summer vacation; no aspirations for NASA or the Nobel; no Hardass Asian Dads forbidding hot pants, high-heeled boots, and hooker poses; no Hardass Asian Moms screaming at us about looking cheap, about how “low-class” tanning is and how make-up prematurely ages your skin not to mention how all this correlates–somehow, don’t ask–with poorer test scores, lower income, and an overall decrease in college, marriage, and life prospects, really.

[via I Hate My Parents]

Thanks, Jasmine!

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! South Philadelphia High School And The School District Of Philadelphia

December 17th, 2010 | 6 comments | Posted by Jen

There’s been a lot of talk this year about how America’s schools are failing its children.  That talk has focused primarily on two separate issues: 1) the quality of education and 2) bullying in schools.  In the case of South Philadelphia High School in the Philadelphia School District, however, the school and its district failed on both fronts.

The following is a timeline of events that transpired over the last year at South Philadelphia High School and in the Philadelphia School District. Most of the links direct to posts by Angry Asian Man, who was our main source–and probably many others’–on these events:

On December 3, 2009, 26 Asian students were attacked and beaten by a large group of their peers, mostly African American, throughout the school day at South Philadelphia High.  13 of the students who were attacked wound up in the hospital.  There was already a history of violence against Asian students–many of them immigrants–at the school, whose student body is, according to current stats, 64.6% African American, 22.4% Asian American, 6.3% White, 5.8% Latino, and .8% Other, yet district officials were quick to dismiss that the December 3rd attacks had been racially motivated.

After meeting with district officials following the attacks, a group of over 60 Asian students from South Philadelphia High remained unconvinced that their safety at school would be ensured and organized an eight day-long boycott.  Wei Chen, a senior at the time, made this statement for the group:

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! South Philadelphia High School And The School District Of Philadelphia

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‘The Last Airbender’ May Be The Worst Movie Of All Time Which Means There May Be Such A Thing As Karma

July 2nd, 2010 | 17 comments | Posted by Jen

Did I invoke “karma” in the title of this post because M. Night Shyamalan, director of The Last Airbender, is Indian? Sure. But given how, in the 24 hours since the movie’s opened, it’s already being heralded as quite possibly The Worst Movie Ever, he may not be for long, as soon people will be forming long lines not to see his latest cinematic debacle but, instead, to take away his Indian card, his Asian card, his DGA card, his WGA card, his AmEx card, and– why stop there?–even his SUBWAY® card, if he’s into that sort of thing, and something tells me that if white bread’s involved, he is.

Having already pissed off his brethren by casting white actors in the movie’s lead Asian roles, not getting why that was such a big deal, and hiding behind terms like “culturally diverse” and “multicultural” without understanding how his casting decisions actually ran contrary to those principles, Shyamalan’s now managed to get himself disowned by pretty much the rest of universe. Here are a few excerpts from the public drubbing The Last Airbender‘s received so far:

“The dearth of racially appropriate casting in the U.S. simply means that fewer Asians were humiliated by appearing in what is surely the worst botch of a fantasy epic since Ralph Bakshi’s animated desecration of The Lord of the Rings back in 1978. The actors who didn’t get to be in The Last Airbender are like the passengers who arrived too late to catch the final flight of the Hindenburg.”–Richard Corliss, TIME, ‘The Last Airbender: Worst Movie Epic Ever?’

“…the best way to watch ‘The Last Airbender’ is probably with Continue reading ‘The Last Airbender’ May Be The Worst Movie Of All Time Which Means There May Be Such A Thing As Karma

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