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Palin’s Russia Plan: Louder Than Bombs

September 11th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Listen, we were as taken aback as the rest of you when we learned that Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin suggested, in her exclusive ABC News interview with Charles Gibson, that war may “perhaps” be necessary if Georgia were to join NATO and be invaded by Russia.

In her words, “we’ve got to keep an eye on Russia.” And how! What a statement to make, and on 9/11, to boot! What next? we thought. A leaked diary doodle about how rad it would be to start nuking South Korea and Iran? Is the world watching? Will the Russkis start assembling in the morning? Jesus!

Fortunately, guys, we were all wrong. This just in, more breaking news from*:

Oh, cool!

These guys?

She should totally send GWAR into the Evil Empire!! How brilliant! Blood and rock will be everywhere, and those monster dudes will get totally get the dumb Russians in line. This hockey mom really knows what she’s talking about, after all!

Wowee Zowee, if we end up with Vice President Palin, the country might be getting quite a hefty thank-you note from Georgia. Just sayin’.

*or somewhere

Thanks, Aaron!

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: The New York Yankees Speak Fluent Ka-Ching-Chong

June 19th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Yesterday, the New York Yankees announced the signing of two Chinese prospects to minor league contracts. Left-handed pitcher Kai Lu and catcher Zhenwang Zhang, both 19, are the latest players to join the Evil Empire, and the first mainlanders to be inked by MLB. The league’s official website reported:

“This is an exciting opportunity for us to integrate Chinese players into the organization,” said general manager Brian Cashman. “We believe that this is the start of something we can develop further as we work toward our commitment to help grow the game of baseball in China.”

Well played, Yankees. These signings officially make you the most Asian team in baseball. Not only because you’ve got Matsui, Wang, Igawa, and these two 19 year-olds, but because your relentless pursuit of the Number One spot–in your division, record books, revenues, payroll, and now, in China–makes you unmistakably one of us. It’s as though you guys want to be Valedictorian of the Universe. Normally, I would grant you Honorasian status based on that drive alone, but then I remembered that you’re the Yankees, and I hate you, so…good fuckin’ luck.


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