You are currently browsing posts tagged with Everything About Gwen Stefani Sucks Ass

Phew! Still Workin’ It

November 24th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

ALERT!!!

For those of you as worried as I was about the financial stability and respective career futures of Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku Girls during the No Doubt-revival-world-tour/vomitous-Gwen Stefani-solo-career-interim, have no fear!

Jen just informed me that the Girls are booked solid with future events–Gwen would never leave them high and dry!

They’ll be busy peddling Gwen’s Harajuku Lovers perfume. Handing out samples and stuff.

Like, while riding a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade.


And probably not speaking.

Um…yay?

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

October 2nd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Happy birthday to our favorite Harajuku slave owner people-as-accessories designer style biter pop songstress Gwen Stefani, who turns 39 tomorrow. Because Gwen is no longer “just a girl,” it’s probably time for her to say goodbye to the folly of her bygone youth–and by that we mean, STOP KEEPING HUMANS AS PETS AND INVEST IN A SHITLOAD OF EYE CREAM, YOU’RE GONNA NEED IT.

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Who Needs Mannequins When You’ve Got Harajuku Girls?

September 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Our feelings of disgust toward Gwen Stefani and her Harajuku Slaves ebb and flow like the tide at Zuma Beach (Gwen’s second spawn’s namesake). Sometimes–between concert tours when the Harajuku Girls are on furlough–we get snookered into thinking that Gwen’s just a big-boned girl trying to balance fame, motherhood, crap songwriting, and exercise anorexia. Then we see promotional stunts like the one that went down in the windows of Bloomingdale’s on 59th Street this morning…



…and we remember all over again why we hate that no-talent cow.

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Thanks, Mary!

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Love. Angel. Music. Mark Kanemura.

August 1st, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Mark,

Do you remember how it is in sixth grade, when your class divides up for the first time of the year to play red rover? And for the first time, you realize that picking teams isn’t actually about picking red rover teams, but choosing your alliances for the rest of the year, or maybe even all of junior high, or maybe even forever?

So there you are, with the choice between the team full of cool, nice, smart, free-thinking kids, and the team with THE DEVIL. Maybe yours was named Vanessa. Or Ashley. Or GWEN. She was blonde and bright, with a perky skirt and red lipstick, and she was the most popular and awful girl in sixth grade. Holding on to her arms on both side were mute, motionless, voiceless lackeys, her pawns. Popular and useless, and willing to defile themselves to remain on her fucking red rover team.

What did you decide, Mark? I’m going to venture a guess. You tucked your scrotum neatly in between your legs and chose GWEN. She told you to jump, you didn’t ask how high, you pursed your lips and leapt. If you had an opinion, she mandated that you stay silent. And when you danced? You danced like she wanted you to dance, how she told you to dance, because you were her bitch.

Why would I make such assumptions? Well, considering that you impersonated one of the enslaved, ill-fated Harajuku Girls so recently on So You Think You Can Dance, it seems only natural that you’d not only be willing to become a bitch’s bitch, you’d LOVE it.

Perhaps that’s why the cool, smart, free-thinking kids voted you off. Buh-bye.

xoxo
Diana

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Thanks, jRu!

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BABEWATCH: Alexa Chung

June 17th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Name: Alexa Chung

Hails from: England

Occupation: BrIt Girl and TV host

Why She’s a Babe: Normally, we don’t go in for girls who are more famous for what they wear than who they are, but there’s something effortlessly cool and likable about the 24 year-old Chung, who is 3/8 Chinese (Dad is 3/4 and, yes, we had to get out the calculator to come up with that one). Plus, she has a grunge-y gamine style that sets her apart from most celebutards and lands her in every UK magazine. And when Chung was a host on Popworld, a British pop culture, news, and music video show, we love how she put off a few of her famous guests with her breezy irreverence, as she did with the humorless lead singer of Panic! At the Disco or with Gwen Stefani, when she asked what Gwen’s new poop-fume will smell like:

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Betraysian of the Stars

March 25th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

If you’ve gotten a chance to tune in to the new season of Dancing With the Stars, you’ll see that competitor Kristi Yamaguchi is already off to an excellent start, knocking out a near-perfect foxtrot with partner Mark Ballas in the very first episode.

Last night, in Hardass-Asian-Parented-purist fashion, Kristi went for Week 2 gold–this time with a “Latin-flavored” dance. You’ve gotta give the girl props for shirking her aversion to saucy hip shakes for the opportunity to excel. And she did it! She shook the shit out of her shit, and that was pretty amazian of her.

…but did she have to do it to a song penned by the (non-Latin, non-Asian) style-biter and exploitasian mistress of the century, Gwen Stefani?

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Thanks, jRu!

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Miley Cyrajuku

March 20th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Dear Miley,

I know you’re young, so you’re bound to make mistakes. I suppose I should give you props for not being photographed wasted, pregnant or flashing your cooter getting out of a car. I should probably be happy that you haven’t yet made a sex tape nor snorted all of your Disney earnings up your nose. But what the fuzz (I’m trying not to curse because you’re still a child) is up with that Harajuku Lovers sweatshirt? Can I ask, what do you love about Harajuku? Can you even find it on a map of Tokyo? Don’t tell me you’re a fan of Gwen. No, seriously, girl…don’t. I really really want to continue liking you.

UR 2 SWEET 2 BE WEARING THAT,
Jen

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Homasian

February 28th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

See, Gwen, now you know what it’s like for your Harajuku slaves to be bound and unable to speak! It’s heartbreaking, right?

Oh wait, you don’t care.

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The Harapuku Girls

December 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


Not too long ago, Diana wrote about an HP ad featuring Gwen Stefani that is interactive and offers consumers the chance to make their own Harajuku Girl “entourage.”

[sounds of vomiting in my mouth]

“her Harajuku Girls”?

[more sounds of vomiting in my mouth]

Anyhoo, we’ve become so bored with Gwen that we couldn’t muster the energy to try this thing out until we started noticing the friggin’ ad everywhere. Like today, when I was fiddle-faddling around on MySpace and it was right there next to all of their pornish videos. Then our friend Liz wrote us and reminded us of how gross the concept is, so I decided WTF, I’ll go make some Ornamentals just to show y’all how yuckers it is.

Much to my surprise, however, I created something awesome. Allow me to introduce to you…MY Harapuku Girls!


Their names are Hate, Devil, Cacophony, and Pasty.

Now if only they were real, they could follow me around everywhere in matching outfits without saying a word and be, like, my cool exotic posse. Maybe I would start a clothing line “celebrating” them and their culture by putting their images on t-shirts and keychains. And then everyone would be all, “Who are those blonde chicks with Jen? They are faaaaaaaaaabulous. What are their names? Oh, who cares, I can’t tell them apart anyway. But those bitches are fierce. They make Jen seem so edgy. I want me some!”

I know, I know…it’s a completely batshit and implausible fantasy, right? Right?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a bottle of Listerine.

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Beyoncesian

October 1st, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Beyonce has canceled her November 1 concert in Kuala Lumpur after Muslasian protesters demanded that Miz Bootylicious tone down her clothes and ass-shakin’ to something more “family-friendly.”

As much as we love our Malaysian brethren, DISGRASIAN does not support religious fanaticism or censorship. We are firm believers in free expression, no exceptions.

It has just been brought to our attention by DISGRASIAN’s snotty intern Nicolai that we have, in fact, made one exception to that rule already.

My bad.

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SO CLOSE!

September 24th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I like to think that one of the Harajuku Girls, perhaps Music or Baby, made a back-alley deal in which they calmly placed $10,000 and a ticket to that night’s Gwen Stefani show in the palm of an Asian-Scot–while whispering in their ear, “Just take her down, halfway through that god-awful song ‘Cool,’ when she runs into the crowd.”

See what I mean at 1:10 of the video.

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David LaChapelle Says Free the Harajuku Girls

September 5th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The New York Post reported yesterday that photographer/director David LaChapelle will never work again with Madonna, Xtina Aguilera, and…guess who?

A source told the Post, “He hates them…Something weird happened the last time he worked with Gwen [ed. note--like the fact that she had four silent enslaved geishas trailing behind her?], and he has cut her out.”

David–I promise never to call you “LaCrapelle” again. In fact, I think we should be friends.

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