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Y’all know we’ve always thought Ann Curry was a robot. A really silky-voiced, smooth-skinned, awkward-dancing, non-aging robot programmed to never have her lipstick smudge and to have a fangirl’s devotion to Brad Pitt.
BUT WE WERE WRONG.
Because over the weekend, Ann Curry made a mistake. While giving the commencement address at Wheaton College in Massachusetts, she confused it with the Wheaton College in Illinois by citing the latter’s illustrious alumni, which include evangelist Billy Graham, director Wes Craven, and 9/11 hero Todd Beamer.
Proof positive that Ann is…human?
DOES NOT COMPUTE, DOES NOT COMPUTE.
Read her charming apology here, where she asks for forgiveness twice and admits, “I am mortified by my mistake.” She may not be a robot, but feeling shame over making a very public mistake means she’s most definitely Asian.
Thanks, Shaheen and Dave!
Filed under: Admitting One's Mistakes, Ann Curry, Ann Curry Commencement Address Blunder, Ann Curry Graduation Speech Blunder, Anti-Agin' Asian, Apologies, Even Asians Make Mistakes, Mixed-Race People, Public Apologies, Robots, The Today Show
After watching Hines Ward fumble what should have been a game-winning ball at the end of the fourth quarter against the Tennessee Titans last night, I wasn’t worried. I was shocked–because Ward simply doesn‘t suffer accidents like that, especially five yards from the goal line–but deep down, I knew the Steelers would hold the game into OT and pave the way for Jeff Reed to take it home.
Ward was shocked, too. He took it hard. Real hard. In fact, every time the camera cut to him from the moment of that gaffe until the game reached its final tally at 13-10, the usually-grinning Ward was hurting, hating himself. His eyes said it all–If he hadn’t been on a field with 26,000 tons of burly dudes, he would have been sobbing his ass off.
I wanted to jump through the television, transport myself from my L.A. living room to the chilly bench at Heinz Field, run over to him with a gatorade and a towel, and give him a big ol’ hug. I wanted to tell him: Buddy, it’s okay. It was a mistake, but one our team overcame. It’s hard for you because you don’t often make mistakes. You don’t understand failure, because it is unfamiliar to you. But dude, even almost-perfect people have imperfect moments. Like when my dad is shocked that he’s lost something (because he’s a robot and NEVER LOSES ANYTHING), or pissed when he sneezes, because he can’t believe his body would dare allow sickness–he doesn’t like it, but it happens. Try to let it go, honey pie. For this one colossal fuckup, you have and will make up for it with about nine-hundred bajillion superhuman awesome feats. You’re good. There’s no question about it. Nobody’s mad atcha. Let’s turn that frown upside down!!!
But I couldn’t transport myself to Pennsylvania. I could only watch as Ward sighed a pained air-gulp of relief as Reed’s kick sailed between the posts to end the contest. He tucked his head down and walked out of the stadium, weighed down with shame even though the Steelers walked away from the game 1-0. I realized that there was no consoling him (he’s a superstar blasian for crying out loud. Poor guy probably spent all night alternating acts of flogging himself with intense weight training and repeated recitation of: “You almost ruined it for everyone, you stupid jerk. Everyone, you stupid jerk! Agh! Stupid. Stupid!”). At least not for awhile.
This morning, assuming that there had been a good five minutes for photo-ops, I trolled the web for snaps of a forlorn Ward with tears in his eyes. But neither NFL.com nor ESPN seemed to find it necessary to document a close-up of his shame in their galleries.
Perhaps none of us want to see Ward make mistakes. We’d rather see him smile.
It’s getting increasingly difficult to defend Jon Gosselin: the pudgy, frustratingly meek father from Jon & Kate Plus 8. Our position hasn’t changed dramatically–we’re not suddenly saying he’s a bad guy.
But he himself has stated that he exercises bad–well, “poor”–judgment sometimes.
Y’know, the kind of poor judgment that causes a man to ignore the fact that he’s a relatively famous reality TV dad, and get piss-drunk at a bar while surrounded by phone cameras and college co-eds? Or, most recently, inspires that very same man to voyage out (while his wife is in another state promoting her book) to a different bar–this time with a female friend he refers to loudly to as “babe,” bail from the watering hole at last call, panic at the sight of photographers and their mean ol’ lenses as they snap away, and have the “babe” speed off in his SUV, him riding shotgun, without so much as turning the headlights on?
Poor judgment, indeed. We’ve gotta say, we don’t know for sure what shenanigans Mr. Gosselin is up to in his free time away from Capt. Wifey. But we do know that this guy makes a lot of mistakes.
And Asians hate few things more than a bunch of fuckin’ stupid mistakes.
I found out a couple of weeks ago that I did my 2007 taxes wrong. I was surprised, y’know, cuz Asians just don’t do things incorrectly, like EVER. Okay, yeah, I worked on my forms myself instead of handing them off to an accountant (Dumb!), procrastinated until the very last minute (Stupid!), and hurriedly completed the form online while sitting in a Boston hotel with Jen, a night before speaking at the Harvard Berkman Center about our fun Internet lives.
Alright, I wasn’t that surprised that I did them wrong. I suck.
So, okay. The IRS wanted their money. Fair enough! Let them have my damn money and spend it on some Wall Street fat cat bonuses, if that’s what they want to do! I could deal with that. All it took was the signing of a check, the placing of a stamp, and on the day went. I’m not bleeding money, but when I owe a buck or two, I pay it. I show a little dignity for my errors.
And so I’ve gotta say, having, er, been there, that I am heavily disappointed in the Philippines (pardon the synechdoche here, friends in the Philippines) for dicking around on a millions-large amount of owed NYC property taxes for well over five years. The NYT reported this week that, after much toil, the country just reached a settlement with Manhattan regarding the dues, and has finally agreed to pay $9 million in back property taxes and interest . This amount is “about 85 percent of what the city had sought… for a building at 556 Fifth Avenue.”
Meanwhile, India and Mongolia, next up on my tsk list, are still in court dealing with equally enormous unsettled tax debts.
Sigh. Just write the check and place the stamp, guys. It’s the only way.
Filed under: Debt, Even Asians Make Mistakes, Forgetting to Pay Your Taxes Is Bullshit, Harvard, India, Mongolia, NYC, President Barack Obama, Property Taxes, The IRS, the Philippines, Wall Street Bonuses
I’LL ONLY ADMIT THIS ONCE: I totally stand corrected…
Britney is BACK, yo! I don’t care if she used a body double for the wide-angle face-to-the-wall nudie shots (I’m pretty sure she did). I don’t mind that this video is just a cubicle-take on her “Toxic” video, and that she doesn’t shake her tail feather quite as well as she did at 16. Her face looks youthful, her eyes aren’t dead, and K-Fed doesn’t make an appearance. This song is catchier than a venereal disease! This crazy bitch is BACK!
Apparently, we were so eager to weigh in on the finale for A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila last night that we posted about it a week early. When we (reluctantly, with a big sigh, and an even bigger glass of scotch) finally sat down to watch the mess on TiVo, our eyes were mistreated by a recap episode even more boring than the whole stupid series. Blegh. But the good part was that we immediately realized our error in horror, and here we are to fix it. Dear readers, we sincerely apologize if we caused you to watch the show last night to find out the results. But who cares, it’s just bad TV.
And hey, even Asians make mistakes! Weird, right???