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Gawker writer Adrian Chen wrote a most amusing “Compendium of Unnecessary Lady Gaga Eccentricities” last week, which included observations like: “Lady Gaga thinks ghosts are real and they are haunting her. She spent $4,000 on ghost hunting equipment because she was worried of “Bad energy” infecting London’s O2 stadium.”
Look, I hate the Gaga. I think she’s a poseur. And I know all of you aren’t with me on this but–wait, did I just write that a guy named Adrien CHEN penned a piece slamming a POP STAR? What the FUCK??!?!?
OH THANK GOD. A charming reader–er, leader–named Kenny Tarr–wait, Tall!–already wrote in a complaint.
We absorutery aglee. An Itarian supel-stal who has been in “American” for at reast 100 yeals (wow, Germanotta is older than we thought!”) has evely light to be in this countly! Evelyone knows that AMERICAN berongs to the Itarians!!! Just don’t tell the Native Amelicans and Mexicans!
HOW DARE this Chinaman comment? HOW DARE HE????
Filed under: 20-watt bulbs, Adrian Chen, Angry Letters, Asian-ness, Botching the English Language, Compendium Of Unnecessary Lady Gaga Eccentricities, Engrish, Gawker, Idiots Are So Not Threatening, Kenny Tarr, Kenny Tarr Will Probably Die Saying: "Hey Watch This!", Lady Gaga, Lame Lady Gaga Fans, People Are Too Stupid To Be Offensive, People That Have Been In American For Over 100 Years, Racists, Really Stupid Americans, Stupid People, Weird American Behavior, You Have To Laugh
So. Apparently there is this thing called Foreign Accent Syndrome, where your normal accent is suddenly replaced by a foreign one. It’s usually linked to strokes and traumatic brain injury, and only a few dozen people in the world are thought to have it. One of those people is 35 year-old Sarah Colwill of Plymouth, England, who suffered a severe migraine last month that she believes left her with some brain damage.
That, and a CHINESE ACCENT.
I laughed when I watched this, I did, because this whole thing is totally bizarro and made-up seeming and it made me uncomfortable, as in Please-Lord-don’t-let-this-ever-happen-to-me uncomfortable. But Colwill’s experience of this strange affliction seems genuine and a little heartbreaking, and inadvertently illustrates the problem with how people with foreign accents are treated.
Strangers who meet me think I’m foreign. Also some people speak to me as if I am a bit silly, a bit stupid. At time, it’s quite hard, but it’s something I’m going to have to get used to, I think.
In an interview with the AFP, Colwill also said:
Filed under: Accents, Asian Accents, Asian Accents Funny, Bizarre Phenomena, British Woman Gets Chinese Accent After Migraine, Engrish, Engrish Is Played, Foreign Accent Syndrome, Foreign Accents, Migraines, Nail Lady Accents, Sarah Colwill, Strange Afflictions
Happy birthday to William Hung, who turned 27 this week!
Though he hasn’t produced a record in years, Hung has somehow hung (ahem) out prominently in our minds–like sticky rice on the back of a wooden spoon–until present. Most Hung-related memories make us want to drag him out from his hole just to slap him silly, just because he so famously embodied for millenials every marshmallow-faced, Engrish-speaking, penis-shrinking stereotype we (like our hero, Bruce Lee) have ever tried to kick to the curb.
So here’s hoping now that Hung’s a little bit older, he’s also a bit wiser (and for all of you quick-draw commenters, I know he’s plenty book smart, but we’re talking wisdom here). Maybe he’ll find a way to channel all of that “attitude and charisma” into something wonderful, like medical school or law school (kidding)! Listen, we’re stoked as long as he’s not making us all look like clowns. Anymore.
Filed under: American Idol, Birthdays, Book Smart, Bruce Lee, Clowning, Clowns, Engrish, Engrish as a Second Language, Fat Faces, Getting Older, Marshmallow, Never Resisting a Chance to Exploit Yourself As A Stereotype, Penis Shrinkage, Shame, Stereotypes, William Hung, Wisdom
Tweeted this week by funnyguy Michael Ian Black:
Yeah, we can. But why stop there?
[Michael Ian Black on Twitter]
Thanks, Jasmine and Qbertplaya!
Am I nuts, or is Wing Pang kind of awesome?
Sure, with the language fumbles and goofy demeanor, it seems like he could be clowning (or, er, “crowning”) for uncomfy laughs, but for some reason–with that twinkle in his eye–I don’t neccesarily feel like the joke is on him.
And lawd knows, going tit-for-tat with the weirdtastic Conan O’Brien is no easy task. Somehow, Pang’s lightning-quick reflexes have him steady and ready to return O’Brien’s shots–whether they come in the form of a zinger or a fencing foil.
And-and-AND, our pal Joz loves herself some Wing Pang. Always a good sign.
Put on your glasses or pop in your contacts and get a good look at the picture below, because this is what karma looks like:
Meet “Mr. James,” new face of a McDonald’s ad campaign in Japan. Mr. James is a Wacky Foreigner in Japan who speaks broken Japanese, wears the archetypal nerd uniform of glasses, a short-sleeved shirt with a tie, and ill-fitting khaki pants, has bad teeth, and–we’re only guessing here–is probably someone who’s never gotten laid. Sound familiar?
Oh right. Usually THAT GUY has slanty-eyes.
Interestingly, there are some foreigners and non-natives in Japan riled up about this humiliating depiction of themselves, going so far as to compare Mr. James to Stepin Fetchit. Because there aren’t enough positive depictions of beautiful and sophisticated foreigners selling things to the Japanese, apparently. Arudou Debito, née David Aldwinckle, an American who’s become a naturalized Japanese citizen, writes:
“I think a strongly-worded letter from registered NPO FRANCA to McDonald’s USA HQ regarding the issues of stereotyping here would be warranted. Hell, you think McD USA would start putting up a full-body “ching-chong-chinaman” with funny glasses and protruding teeth, saying ‘Me likee McFlied Lice.’ You think that would fly over there? If not, it shouldn’t be allowed over here.”
Karma’s one wacky bitch, isn’t it?
Diana and I saw The Hangover together recently, and we giggled a lot, because it was totally our kind of chick flick (i.e. a dick flick). But one thing that left me feeling queasy after the movie–besides the Welch’s fruit snacks Diana brought to the theater that I shoveled down by the handful–was Ken Jeong’s character, Mr. Chow. I hated the generic Engrish accent. And the character’s queeny affectation left me cold, coming across more prissy than funny.
The thing is, Ken Jeong, in my book, can do no wreong. I have no idea why. There’s something reassuring about his presence. Maybe he cultivated this as a real doctor. I think it also has to do with that classic Hardass Asian Dad-haircut of his and the soothing timber of his voice. He should read children’s bedtime-stories-on-tape on the side or something. So post-Hangover, I had a hangover of my own, and I was really confused.
Then a friend forwarded this podcast Dr. Ken did with Adam Corolla last week about his role in The Hangover. In it, he went there, and by that I mean, he talks about his dick (there’s a scene in which he does full-frontal). Not only that, he refers to it over the course of the interview as “the smallest cock,” a “tiny penis,” “a grower, not a shower,” and a “mangina.” In the movie, the only other dick we see is Zach Galifianakis’s, but that was a prosthetic. And given prevailing stereotypes, I thought what Ken said in the podcast–and the fact that he did full-frontal in the first place–took balls.
So I’m back again to Ken Jeong can do no wreong. And I feel so much better now.
To my Vietnamese broham, Trung Le, in Canada (or “Canadia,” as my college roomate once said),
Congratulasians on inventing your country’s first android! Hey, why is she in a wheelchair, may I ask?–Y’know what? Never mind.
Anyway, I have one real suggestion to improve your new robot girlfriend–er, friend.
When you cop an unwanted android feel, she should not wait a moment, swat gently at you, pause, and then state: “I do not like it when you touch my breasts” (as evidenced in the above video).
She should swat and state at the same time.
Again, just a suggestion.
Filed under: Android Rape Victims, Canadiasians, Congratulasians, Copping a Feel, Creepy Faces, Engrish, Huh?, Inventors, O---kay, Robots, Trung Le, Um... WHAT?, Wheelchairs, Why Did You Do That For? It's Hurt.
This afternoon’s phone conversation between Diana and her Aunt Mai:
DIANA: (in botched Vietnamenglish) Hi, Co Mai!
AUNT MAI: Hi honey. How you?
DIANA: I’m good! I’m good! Just catching up on the news.
AUNT MAI: Me too, honey! I read in newspaper today that Tiger Wood do wery well in golf show!
DIANA: I think it’s “Woods,” Co Mai. Which golf tournament? The Dubai Classic? Is that happening right now?
AUNT MAI: Yes. In newspaper it say Tiger Wood win Dubai Classic.
DIANA: It’s “Woods.” That’s great!
AUNT MAI: What you mean, “it Woods.” It Wood!
DIANA: Co Mai, I think I know who Tiger Woods is.
AUNT MAI: YOU CALL AUNT MAI LIAR? I READ IN NEWSPAPER IT WOOD!
DIANA: Calm Down! How’s Grandma!?!?!
AUNT MAI: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN. You just like your mother says, so mát dąy, so disrespectful!
DIANA: I am not disrespectful! I’m just trying to help you.
AUNT MAI: TIGER WOOD! LOOK IT UP!
DIANA: Fine, I will look it up. Okay? I will look it up. [Googles "Tiger Wood Dubai Classic and finds...]
AUNT MAI: Now what you have to say?
DIANA: Um, I guess it is Tiger Wood, Co Mai. How’s Grandma?
Like many of you, DISGRASIAN made New Year’s Resolutions for ’08. Some of these resolutions are diet-related, about cutting back our consumption of certain things. Some are about getting rid of bad relationships. Some are focused on eliminating negative thoughts. They’re probably just like yours in one way or another, only we call them New Year’s Resolasians. Of course, resolasians, like resolutions, are meant to be broken, and ours are kinda contingent upon other people, but keep your fingers crossed for us, anyway, will ya?
No more Buddhist Prayer Hands.
No more Fisting.
No more Mutasians.
No more Bad Fuck Charms.
No more Disgrestaurants.
No more Chinysteria.
No more Engrish as “news”.
No more Gongbangin’.
No more Racial Drag.
No more Samurites.
No more White Hooker Boots.
No more Drive-Bis.
Have a great ’08 everyone!
A newer better DISGRASIAN
The first time I watched this video–a performance of Sixpence None the Richer’s mind-numbing late-90s hit “Kiss Me” by aspiring actress Alyssa Alano in front of a crowd of hundreds–cruelly subtitled to highlight her English inadequacies, I was pissed. The woman is in the Phillippines! The woman has an accent! She’s giving an English song a pretty decent run for its money!
Then I realized that the woman’s name is “Alyssa Alano” and that she’s never been on a sitcom with Tony Danza. And that she’s part of an actress collective called Hotbabes. And that she’s singing a song by Sixpence None the Richer (whose smug, plucky name still makes me want to poke something in the eyeballs with a screwdriver). And that she kinda sucks.
And now I just don’t know how to feel.