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Jen and I
always read all of most of some of our mail. And we get it–sometimes, folks are not happy with all of the things we say. There are people who feel we’re too rough on Ann Curry (By the way: Seriously? It’s not like she isn‘t a robot). And there are those few remaining Gwen Stefani fans who wish we whouldn’t comment on her man-shoulders. There’s Tila Tequila, who likes our sense of humor (??!), but changes her mind once she sees we don’t believe she actually buys Chanel (or that she should exist).
Maybe y’all get mad sometimes. And you want to tell us. That’s cool, guys. That’s fine. That’s par for the course for two ladies pouring pitchers of Haterade.
But might I make one request: the next time you’re all worked up, huffy and puffy with your mouse clicking away and your little fingers tippity-tappity-ing against your keyboard, fueled by unsettled angst while composing an angry email to us–please remember what your Asian “ha ha” alternative might be if gals like us weren’t busy policing the Web:
Unless you’ve got a real hankering for “69 Photos of Asian Girls Posing,” all day, every day–in which case, DISGRASIAN is probably not the site for you. Please. Step. Away.
Leighton Meester is the most recent celebrity to find herself embroiled in a juicy sex tape scandal (As if nude photos of Rihanna weren’t enough to tide all you dirty voyeurs for the summer!)–oh, the gossip storm!
With the Season 3 premiere of Gossip Girl nearly three months away, the surfacing of the tape seems ill-timed for an intended publicity stunt, convincing me that Meester had no role in the video going public; she simply has a dick ex-boyfriend looking to make a quick buck off of the fact that he once tapped a young actress’s arse.
And so my heart breaks a little for the poor girl–although not because she got busted screwing on camera (which is pretty much her own irresponsible, 21st century problem).
But I can appreciate how much of a fucking bummer for her it is that she will heretoforth and forever (at least by modern standards) be regarded as a “footjob” queen. FOOTJOB!? What a mortifying way to make a porno debut.
[via The Hollywood Gossip]
Duh, Tila. You’re supposed to lick carpet, not sand.
“When you’ve done something(s) really, really, really, really, really, wrong, just convince yourself that you haven’t–and, in fact, that you’ve done great things, instead.
Most importantly: Never, ever say fucking never.”
[Image via NYU Local]
Something that became evident–and not for the first time–during our panel last weekend with the East West Players (see event photo, right): People sometimes seem a bit bewildered when Jen and I talk about how DISGRASIAN got started–originally, we had imagined the site as a kind of Smoking Gun-style hit list, calling out disgraceful Asians with photographic evidentiary support and a thorough list of offenses. Y’know, like an always-evolving public tome of disappointment that could, arguably, shame the offenders into better behavior.
But of course, the minute we got started knocking out William Hung and Heroes’ Hiro, we realized that our task of doling out Asian shame–at least in our sphere, which includes pretty much everybody–was not going to be so simple. And here we are today!
Still, we often hear a lot of “Y’all are so mean!” and “Jeez… Do those people really deserve it, though? Are they really that bad?” or “Sorry, I just can’t help but like Ann Curry” and “I don’t see why you guys hate Masi Oka so much… he’s not that embarrassing.” We get angry mail from Malkin supporters, Gwen Stefani fans, and loathers of the word “fuck.” And eeeevvvery once in awhile, there’s just some dickbag that very simply hates us, like the doucheface on Saturday that felt it necessary to tell Jen curtly that he doesn’t read our blog (I attribute it to feelings of inadequacy based on unusually small genitalia).
And in response: Hey, we don’t do a lot of apologizing, but I do think we do a lot of explaining for our good deeds. Seriously, though, what’s to explain? People do dumb, disgraceful, stuff, and their actions bring the rest of us shame. It’s only right they be forced to feel ashamed, too. We’re not alone in thinking this!
How do I know we’re not alone, you ask? Well, for instance, those cool non-partisan peeps at the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) just released their annual list of 2008′s Most Embarrassing Re-Elected members of Congress, calling out government folks for abusing their power and, ultimately, shaming themselves and their country. Like A PUBLIC HIT LIST OF SHAME, CALLING OUT MEMBERS OF CONGRESS FOR THEIR DISGRACEFUL DEEDS, IF YOU WILL.
Groups that were hurt by the making of this video:
- More specifically, Koreans
- More specifically, Korean dudes
- Singing Gaysians
- Recording Studio Engineers/Techs/Producers
- Pop Stars
- Casey Kasem
- Mariah Carey (bringing more shame to this diva is hard to do)
- Those with Rhythm
- Those without Rhythm
- Korean Superpopstar Rain
- Paris Hilton’s New BFF, ONCH
- Jen and Diana
Dudes– nothing gives me more retarded tingles than watching somebody get busted for being unprepared and/or sensationalist and/or poorly informed while on split-screen live TV. It’s fucking painful. PAINFUL. Remember Kevin James’s massive “appeasement” stumble on Hardball? Shouldn’t the imminent shame resulting from such incidents be enough to scare some studying into anybody with a booking agent? Why-why-WHY does this continue to happen?
Oh, and I’m talking to YOU, Michael Goldfarb (this is not our fellow HuffPo compatriot, by the way, but the on-leave editor of The Weekly Standard and McCain’s paid megaphone):
My gosh. Can somebody please tell these dorks to do their fuckin’ homework before they go on television? If one is the McCain Campaign National Spokesman, one should at least do that. Or is everybody taking lessons from the Palin School of Interview Bumbling?
Anyone that has spent any time with me during football season knows that I am great at one thing: talking shit. I hate your team. I don’t care who your team is. They are crap and my team, the legendary Pittsburgh Steelers, will crush them with one iron fist. You don’t agree? I can keep this conversation up for hours–you’re a Pats fan? Then I can keep this up all night.
Naturally, last week when the Steelers were preparing to face Donovan “The Hamburglar” McNabb and the Philadelphia Eagles, I checked in with my good friend Aaron–a lifetime Eagles enthusiast–at least once a day:
MONDAY: I hope you don’t lose against the Cowboys tonight. You probably will, though. You loser.
TUESDAY: OOOOOooof. Tough day, huh, buddy? Interceptions sure are a bitch. You really fucked up your one shot at glory. Greatest MNF game ever, though!
WEDNESDAY: Hey, guess what? Today’s hump day. We’re going to the hump the shit out of you this weekend. Hope you’re stretching!
SATURDAY: Listen up, you pathetic sunnofabitch! Tomorrow you’re going to suffer a truly dismal defeat. Your team will be bleeding, crying for their mommies, holding their lost scrota in their left hand. YOU PEOPLE ARE GOING DOWN LIKE TONY ROMO ON JESSICA SIMPSON. MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!
SUNDAY EVENING: …
If you don’t know, here’s the scoop: my Steelers went down, and they went down harder and faster than the third season of Veronica Mars. Our offensive line was non-existent, our quarterback fumbled around like a stoned circus clown, and we just never made it happen. It was an ugly game. Ugly. And because of it, I’ve been eating crow–or, er, eagle–for a full day.
This was pathetic. Sad. Embarassing. Most of all, DISGRACEFUL.
I was disgraced by my team yesterday. And if I’m gonna keep talking shit all season, this can’t happen again. It just can’t.
DO YOU HEAR ME, MIKE TOMLIN? TELL THE GUYS!!!
Filed under: Bad Days, Ben Roethlisberger, Donovan "The Hamburglar" McNabb, Eating Crow, Embarrassing, Football, Fumbles, Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers, Public Disgrace, Scrota, This is Bullshit
We’ve all seen the headlines about China and India using up the world’s resources. China and India are eating up all the food. China and India are using up all the water. China and India are gobbling up all the oil.
And this is why I pay $4+ dollars a gallon at the pump?! Goddamn those greedy, grubbing Asian peoples!
Would it make the world feel better knowing that, as far as gasoline and diesel are concerned, California consumes more than any country in the entire world (besides the U.S.)? Yup, that’s right. The Not-So-Golden State (36 million people) consumes more gas and diesel than either China (1.3 billion people) or India (1.1 billion people).
As Californians, this bit o’ news depresses the hell outta us. We could and should do better.
(And, no, going green “Hollywood-style”–driving a Prius, owning a copy of An Inconvenient Truth, and then flying private–ain’t gonna cut it. Not that we would turn down a ride in a private jet. Just kidding. Okay, not really. Shit! This is hard!)
From Paula Froelich:
Kim Kardashian became famous for her bodacious booty – but her man wants to trim some of the junk in her trunk. A source tells Page Six that Kardashian, who will wrestle Carmen Electra in the new flick “Disaster Movie,” has been working out extra hard these days at the request of her boyfriend, New Orleans Saint Reggie Bush. “He’s been pushing her to work out hard,” said our source. Sunday, Kardashian was overheard telling a friend at the opening of FUSE nightclub in Nashville that Bush made her run the dunes at Manhattan Beach in California.
Running dunes?? Downsizing her rump?? The last time I ran dunes was… never. And if my boyfriend told me to slim down my ass, he’d soon have a Loeffler Randall boot shoved up in his.
When did Reggie Bush become such a Hardass Asian Boyfriend?
…I LIKE it!
Our short answer to that is a question: would you rush to put that photo (above) up on your blog? We don’t think so!
But we could resist no longer after reading the White House transcripts of Bush’s recent meeting with Filipino President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, which occurred on Tuesday amidst her country’s recovery from this month’s devastating typhoon.
From (to avoid linking you directly to the White House site–it’s for your own good) the Huffington Post:
PRESIDENT BUSH: Madam President, it is a pleasure to welcome you back to the Oval Office. We have just had a very constructive dialogue. First, I want to tell you how proud I am to be the President of a nation that — in which there’s a lot of Philippine-Americans. They love America and they love their heritage. And I reminded the President that I am reminded of the great talent of the — of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House. (Laughter.)
PRESIDENT ARROYO: Yes.
PRESIDENT BUSH: And the chef is a great person and a really good cook, by the way, Madam President.
PRESIDENT ARROYO: Thank you.
My word, what a gentleman! And what an ice breaker. But we wonder… in Dubya’s head, does the transcript look more like this?: Our cook is Flip-a-penes American, howdy hoo! Do ya know her? Aw, y’all eat rice or grape leaves or somethin’. Aw, my brain sure is tired.
All we know is the Prez seems like a really nice, really aware guy. Rest assured that me ‘n my ladies–that is, nail ladies–can’t wait to have our own chat with him some day.
Thanks, Eliza and Jasmine!
The truckload is apparently the first containing parts of over $85 million dollars of materials that have been sitting in a FEMA warehouse since, oh, ’bout 2006. Many Americans became aware of the “lost” materials last month after a CNN-led investigation unveiled that the materials had been deemed “surplus” and were being given away to other government agencies.
From Final Call:
James McIntyre, FEMA’s press secretary, stated in an email to CNN that storage fees were costing FEMA more than $1 million a year and another agency wanted the warehouses torn down. “We needed to vacate them,” he wrote.
“Upon review of our assets and our need to continue to store them, we determined that they were excess to FEMA’s needs; therefore, they are being excessed from FEMA’s inventory,” Mr. McIntyre further wrote.
Maybe McIntyre just needed to work on his vocab. Cuz’ where I’m from, “excess” implies lack of need. Or maybe that means that Louisiana DIDN’T HAVE ANY MORE NEED AND ALL OF THE PROBLEMS FROM KATRINA HAD TOTALLY BEEN SOLVED AND JUST DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT IT!
Um… woo hoo, America?
Filed under: A Truck? One Truck?, America Is Doing A Bang-Up Job, Bad Vocabularies, Disasters, Embarrassing, FEMA, Hurricane Katrina, Oh Bravo, Paltry Efforts, Pathetic, Shame, Solving Problems, This is Bullshit