DISGRASIAN™

Tiger Woods In A “Threesome,” Reports The NY Times

You know, when the NY Daily News reported it, I didn’t believe it.

But if the NY Times reports it, it MUST be true.

So who’s gonna bring the turkey club sandwiches???

[NY Times: Woods to Play in Group With Choi and Kuchar]

Filed under: Double Entendres, Elin Nordegren, Golf, Golfers, Gossip, Kinky Stuff, Menage A Trois, New York Times, The Masters Golf Tournament, Threesomes, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Returns to Golf, Turkey Club Sandwich Tiger Woods, Who Knew Golf Could Get You Laid?

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Gloria Allred

Famed, self-proclaimed “feminist lawyer” Gloria Allred has accomplished some bold and fascinating things during her long, high-profile career. She sued the Boy Scouts for excluding girls. She repped Nicole Brown Simpson’s family in the O.J. Simpson murder trial. In ’04, she filed the first lawsuit in California challenging the denial of marriage licenses as being unconstitutional.

But Allred also represents Tiger’s classiest mistress, Rachel Uchitel, and helped her nab $10 million to keep her trap shut about her sexy times with the year’s most famous philanderer. She took on client Josyln James, the porn star who’s been peddling her dirty wares alongside an online log of Tiger’s banausic sexts, and seeks an apology for James’s… time?

The attorney now stands alongside a new money-grubbing fame-seeking apology-seeking bandwagoneer: Woods’s kindergarten teacher, Maureen Decker. Decker feels wronged by a story that first appeared in Charles Barkley’s book The Wicked Game, which was published in 2005–and after five years realized that Tiger Woods was wrapped in a shit spiral and ladies everywhere could cash in if they played their cards right she couldn’t take the “migraines, elevated blood pressure, and colitis” for one more day, sought Allred’s inparticular counsel, and went public with her beef.

Does simply signing clients with vaginas make one a feminist? Because we kinda think that a truly pro-fem lawyer would have been the one working to secure Elin Nordegren’s future and due financial security. Instead, she’s taking a percentage of victories for women who feel they are owed something for spreading their legs and screwing somebody else’s husband. Ah, what a powerful message: “If I fuck you, you better take care of me.”

Source

Filed under: 15 Minutes of Fame, Bad Examples, Elin Nordegren, Fame Whores, Feminism is Dead, Feminists, firsts, Glorie Allred, I Call Bullshit, Lawsuits, Mistresses, Money-Grubbers, Rachel Uchitel, Striking While The Iron Is Hot, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Affair, Tiger Woods Affairs, Tiger Woods Sex Scandal, Ugh

Even Tammy Wynette Wouldn’t Stand By This Bullsh*t (Tiger Woods Returns To Golf)

Tiger Woods returns to golf next week at the Masters golf tournament in Augusta, GA, which is all a lot of people–myself included–have wanted since news of his multiple extramarital affairs surfaced. Golf may be boring, but nothing’s more boring than seeing Tiger’s “Hey Sexy, What Are You Wearing?” text messages dominate the headlines and knowing the dull minutiae of his life. I mean, porn mistresses and turkey club sandwiches? Could you be more pedestrian?!

["Kittens and Tiger Woods' Sexts" via BuzzFeed]

There’s only one problem with Tiger’s return, and that’s how the media’s predicting things will go. Not with his golf swing, mind you, but with his soon-to-be-ex wife, Elin.

Continue reading Even Tammy Wynette Wouldn’t Stand By This Bullsh*t (Tiger Woods Returns To Golf)

Filed under: Blasians, Cheaters, Elin Nordegren, Golf, Stand by Your Man, Tammy Wynette, The Masters Golf Tournament, This is Bullshit, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Affair, Tiger Woods Affairs, Tiger Woods Marriage, Tiger Woods Returns, Tiger Woods Sex Scandals, Who Knew Golf Could Get You Laid?

Sandra Bullock’s Famous Last Words

The NY Post reports that two months before her own husband was exposed as a cheater, Sandra Bullock had this to say about the whole Tiger Woods situation:

“If I were [Tiger's wife] Elin [Nordegren], man, I would have hit a lot more than she did,” Bullock said. “I would have kept hitting.”

A reporter with syndicated TV show “The Insider” egged on the actress with a leading question — “You would have been still swinging the golf club?”

“Yeah, she [Elin] stopped, she was respectable,” Bullock repied. “I’d get the baseball bat, I’d get everything out.”

Does this mean Sandy’s going to beat the shit out of her no-good, MySpace-ing, Vanilla Gorilla couchfucker? We wouldn’t pay money to see the The Blind Side–or almost any Sandra Bullock movie, really–but we’d sure as hell pay to see that.

[NY Post: Sandra Bullock would have used bat on Tiger]

Filed under: Ass Beatings, Cheaters, Cheating, Elin Nordegren, Jesse James, Jesse James Affairs, Jesse James Cheats On Sandra Bullock, Jesse James Mistresses, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, MySpace, Opening a Can of Whoop Ass, Sandra Bullock, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Affairs, Tiger Woods Sex Scandals

Tiger Woods Mans Up By Wearing Man-Jewelry

For the first time since the Nov. 27 car accident that outed him as a cheater, Tiger Woods answered questions from the media in two separate interviews with the Golf Channel and ESPN.

Both interviews were billed as Tiger’s first since Nov. 27, and both seemed as carefully scripted as his Feb. 19 press conference. To each media outlet, Tiger declined to discuss what really happened on Nov. 27 when he cracked up his Escalade in the middle of the night, saying everything was already “in the police report” and anything beyond that was a “private” matter. When the Golf Channel’s Kelly Tilghman asked Tiger how he crashed his car, the golfer did nothing to improve the rep of Asian drivers everywhere by saying, rather obliquely:

I wasn’t going very fast, but unfortunately, I hit a few things.

Tiger did make one VERY BIG personal revelation over the weekend, however.

Continue reading Tiger Woods Mans Up By Wearing Man-Jewelry

Filed under: Asian Drivers, bad asian drivers, Buddhism, Elin Nordegren, Man Jewelry, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Affair, Tiger Woods Buddhist, Tiger Woods Crash, Tiger Woods Returns, Tiger Woods Sex Scandals

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Cheaters (Jesse James, et al.)

Beloved Singaporean film director Jack Neo was dubbed “Singapore’s Tiger Woods” this week after his girlfriend of two years–a 22-year-old model/actress that had played bit parts in some of his films–confronted his wife and spilled her story to tabloids. The mistress, Wendy Chong, is just five years younger than Neo’s marriage of 27 years.

For whatever reason, Neo’s wife, Irene, has decided to stay with her husband. She joined him at a press conference and tearfully made a statement about her decision, begging for forgiveness, support, and the public’s blessing. Neo had already stated, “Please give us a second chance.”

As she exited the room, Irene Neo collapsed in sobs and had to be carried out.

Meanwhile, the American Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods, announced that he would be returning to professional golf to compete in the Masters. That’s big news, but not so big as the newly-posted sexts that his former porn star flame, Joslyn James (a woman who dances with the same sultry, poultry flourish as DISGRASIAN hall-of-shamer Bai Ling) has unveiled on an official promo website.

Continue reading DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Cheaters (Jesse James, et al.)

Filed under: Adulterers, Adultery, Affairs, American Chopper, Bai Ling, Cheating, Chicken Dance, Elin Nordegren, Extramarital Affairs, Fame Whores, Forgiveness, Gross Chicks, Hooker Bitches, In Touch Magazine, Irene Neo, Jack Neo, Jesse James, Jesse James Apologizes, Jesse James Apology, Jesse James Cheats On Sandra Bullock, Jesse James Kids, Jilted Spouses, Josyln James, Lame Names, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, Mistresses, Mistresses That Sell Their Stories Are Pathetic, Porn Stars, Sandra Bullock, Sandra Bullock Cancels London Premiere, Sexting, Shame, Shameless Self-Promotion, Singapore's Tiger Woods, Swastikas, Tattoos, Tiger Woods, Wendy Chong

Tiger Publicly Apologizes For Cheating, Athletes Everywhere Groan

Tiger Woods apologized today, ushering in a bizarre new era where professional athletes ask forgiveness for cheating on their wives not only from their wives but from the general public.

(Somewhere, Charles Barkley is driving his SUV drunk on the way to a blowjob, marveling at his own genius.)

To recap, Tiger said he:

• has a lot to atone for
• doesn’t get to play by different rules
• brought shame to his family
• wants to live a life of integrity
• will become a better person by returning to Buddhism and by seeking more treatment and therapy

If that fails, Tiger can always tape this picture of his mother Kultida from the press conference (at the 6:00 mark) to a mirror, to scare his ass straight:

Continue reading Tiger Publicly Apologizes For Cheating, Athletes Everywhere Groan

Filed under: Apologies, Atonement, Elin Nordegren, Golf, Hardass Asian Mamas, Hardass Asian Moms, Hardass Asian Mothers, Kultida Woods, Public Apologies, Public Shaming, The PGA Tour, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Apologizes, Tiger Woods Apology, Tiger Woods Sex Scandals

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Tiger Woods To Issue A Public Apology

After expressing regret for his “transgressions” in a written statement in December but maintaining that “(p)ersonal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions,” Tiger Woods is set to eat his words on Friday, when he plans to issue a public apology in front of a small group of friends, colleagues, and reporters in Florida.

Which is nothing short of historic.  I mean, have you ever heard of a professional athlete apologizing for being a dog and having sex with women other than his wife?  (Somewhere, Michael Jordan is laughing his ass off at a blackjack table.)  Isn’t that the sort of behavior we’ve come to expect from athletes like Tiger, the sort of behavior that, in fact, we not-so-secretly relish about them, that they aren’t physically bound by the same laws that we civilians are, both on the playing field and in their pants?  (Somewhere, Wilt Chamberlain, layer of 20,000 women, is rolling over in his grave.)

Let’s think about this for a second.

Continue reading SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Tiger Woods To Issue A Public Apology

Filed under: Caublinasians, Contrition, Elin Nordegren, Golf, Mixed People, PR Moves, Sexting, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Public Apology, Tiger Woods Sex Scandal, Tiger Woods to Apologize, Who Knew Golf Could Get You Laid?

Tiger Woods Wants You To Step Off. Will You?

Tiger Woods’s domestic fiasco is undoubtedly the most exciting squabble of the holiday season so far! For those who missed it, the haiku wrap up is:

He maybe cheated
Elin his wife was so mad
Car crash and scandal

But if you need more details, TMZ has predictably posted the full play-by-play. They will continue to uncover every ugly detail, we’re sure!

Tiger released a statement on his website, kindly asking for the privacy “he deserves” while staying mum:

“As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

Continue reading Tiger Woods Wants You To Step Off. Will You?

Filed under: Celebrity "Privacy", Cheating, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Issues, Elin Nordegren, Extramarital Affairs, Mrs. Woods, Privacy, Right to Privacy, Scandals, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Affair, Tiger Woods Crash, Tiger Woods Runs Car Intro Fire Hydrant, TMZ, Whoopsieeee