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Leave Him, Nicole! He’s Just A Tool. [Tool Academy Spoiler Alert?]
Dear Reality TV Gods,
I don’t ask for much, right? Most of the time I just check in, see how you’re doing, sacrifice a few hooker bitches in the fire pit, and call it a day.
But on this very special day, I’ve got one request. I’d like to pray for the elimination of one dude douche from Tool Academy 2 this week.
Terry “T Shaw,” Super Tool
The thing is, I’ve had my eye on this dork Terry all season, and assumed he’d be gone by now. For starters, he’s not cute enough for his too-nice-and-too-pretty girlfriend, Nicole (pictured, left). He’s not cute at all, IMHO (I suck at Interwebz acronymz and that’s my first time using “IMHO,” by the way–think it workz?), especially when you take his man boobs, white sunglasses, and poseur-popped collar into account. [shudders]
Listen, I know Nicole’s got a role in this too. She started dating this fool, and after lots of bad years is still willing to take it to the Academy to make the relationship work (Maybe she’s a doormat, but hey. she’s a telegenic one with resolve). However, she’s a woman looking at long years of potentially wasteful love–I feel like her judgment is impaired. After all, in just half her stay at the Tool Academy, she’s watched tape of her boyfriend doing bodyshots off of a bunch of dirrrty lady plants…
…witnessed her relationship being referred to as a “speed bump, not a stop sign,” then sat through her dude’s pathetic, foot-in-mouth speech about how she’s “not his type,” but that’s a “good” thing…
…and on and on. Then there was the nonsense of 2 weeks ago, when Terry lost his shit watching Nicole receive a cheesy hand massage from a gentleman recruited for a set-up date. And the madness of last week, when he used both therapy and a “romantic date” to tell Nicole that she was out of line and couldn’t be trusted.
Wait, SHE can’t be trusted?
All of the above is in addition to Terry’s bullying of Nicole through the entirety of a physical, arduous team competition that nearly made her vomit (Who cares about spew when you might win something?).
Gods, I’d honestly hoped that you’d do the right thing in episode 5 and dump Terry for being a little bitch. But you didn’t. You cut the giant tool for thrashing your set in prior episodes (weird).
Frankly, I’m not sure that I trust Nicole to cut him either. She should’ve walked out on Terry by now, in a glamorous exit of flipping the bird and yelling, “Fuck this stupid fake fucking VH1 school and, by the way, fuck fucking you, you fat, ugly, idiotic assfuck!” She should have, and she might. But I’m not convinced she’s there yet.
The thing is, I like Nicole. I feel bad for her, and I think she needs to take a step back and realize she’s way too good for this nonsense. She needs a self-esteem boost, and I feel like I’ve got tons of male buddies that would be willing to “boost” for her (Just call and say the word, lady!).
So this is where you come in, Gods. Let’s trash this fool. Please make him go out with such a bang this week that he weeps in the elimination, weeps on the podium, and weeps as Nicole dumps his stupid ass. May he never hold her hand again, or do body shots anywhere within a 3,000 mile vicinity of her perky little figure. She can do so much better. Can’t we all?
Thanks so much, and I’ll def be sacrificing more hooker bitches tonight!
Bye!
Amen,
Diana
Filed under: Asian Fetish, Bad Relationships, Douchebags, Dumb Blondes, Eliminasian, Infidelity, Prayers, Reality TV, Tools, Vh1
A Most Unfortunate Eliminasian (*Spoiler Alert* for RuPaul’s Drag Race)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOO
NOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOO
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NONONONONO NOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[breathes]
OMG WTF OMG WTF OMG WTF OMG WTF NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT’S NOT RIGHT, IT’S NOT FAIR!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ONGINA CANNOT GO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PLEASE DON’T GO, DON’T GOOOO AWAY! I’M BEGGIN’ YOU TO STAY! PLEASE DON’T GO!
RUPAUL MADE A MISTAKE! SHE DIDN’T WANT BEAUTIFUL ONGINA TO SASHAY, AWAY! SHE CAN’T BE ELIMINATED, SHE CAN’T! SHE IZ ZE GREATEST QUEEN OF THE CENTURY!!! SHE DONATED HER ENTIRE $25k VIVA GLAM PRIZE TO THE HARVEY MILK SCHOOL! SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL POWER GAYSIAN! SHE IS MY FRIEND (IN MY MIND)!
[inhales staccoto, sob-crippled breaths]
There is no fucking way that anybody named Rebecca Glasscock outlasted the beautiful, magical Ongina. No way. Life is so unfair. SO UNFAIR!
[breathes]
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOO
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NONONONONO NOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Filed under: Amazian Gaysians, Cathartic Crying, Eliminasian, Harvey Milk, Mac Viva Glam, Now Nina Flowers Has to Win, Ongina, Reality TV, Rebecca Glasscock, RuPaul's Drag Race, Unfair Unfair Unfair
Step It Asian
We don’t know about you guys, but we foresee a bit of an obsession with Bravo’s new eliminasian series, Step It Up & Dance. Jesse Spano Elizabeth Berkley? People getting served in dance-offs? Sometimes we wonder if there is anything more to life at all.*
This season, we’ve definitely got our eye on Michelle, a 30-year old Filipina whose mom was a dancer too (saucy!) and refers to herself as “Mochi.”
The jury’s still out on the nickname Mochi, though. We certainly have a hard time referring to anybody that isn’t soft and gooey with a sweet red bean paste inside as such. But maybe that’s just something she hasn’t divulged yet. Let us know if you hear anything!
*We asked 10 people on the street just now. There isn’t.
Source
Thanks, jRu!
Filed under: Beautiful Filipina Women, Dance-Offs, Dancing is Fun, Eliminasian, Elizabeth Berkley, Mochi, Silly Names, Step It Up Yo, Yum
Eliminasian
Victorya Hong was eliminated from Project Runway last night after making a dreary trench coat for the designers’ denim challenge. Although we rooted for Victorya from the beginning, and she showed a lot of talent and poise, winning two challenges, she was starting to bug. Two weeks ago, after a flurry of emails with our friend Jasmine about the show, I started calling her “VicDOURya” because she never cracked a smile, was difficult to work with, and was so freakin’ passive-aggressive. Why the long face, girlfriend?
Vicdourya may have more to smile about these days, since launching her own line na·be, Korean for “butterfly.” The spring collection is full of minimal party dresses, check it out here.
Filed under: Dourness, Eliminasian, Fashism, Long Faces, party dresses, Passive-Aggressive People, Project Runway, Victorya Hong
Nerd Eliminasian
I like to believe (because it’s true) that Asians excel at everything.
If you’re going to be a genome researcher, be the very best researcher. If you’re going to be a concert violinist, be the the very best concert violinist. If you’re going to be a blogger, be the very best blogger (hee!)–do you what you do, and do it well.
Oh, and one more thing: if you’re going to be the one repreznt’n Asian smarty-pants-nerd on the 4th season of Beauty and the Geek, be the best damn Geek in the bin, NOT THE FIRST ELIMINATED. And when you are eliminated from the cast of what is really just a CW-low-concept-reality-show, DON’T CRY LIKE A LITTLE BITCH.
I’m talking to you, Tony:
Tony, I want to like you. You’re a nerd (DISGRASIAN actually really loves nerds). You love science (science is hot). You’re not just any medical student, you specialize in Biomedical Engineering with a concentration in Chemical Engineering (which is basically just a tongue-twister to us). You collect historic medical books and play Chinese Chess. That shit is brainy and weird and mildly eccentric, which is awesome. It’s all very, very cool.
So embrace it! Own it! You don’t need a stupid reality show to get laid. You can get laid all on your own. You just need to make a few improvements.
First of all, stand up straight. Secondly, stop tucking in your t-shirt, and never wear exercise pants if you aren’t exercising. While you’re at it, feel free to exercise more. Next, realize that you have a penis and act like it. You’re studying at Johns Hopkins University right now– introduce yourself to my friend Young, who is a medical professor there with a Princeton English Degree and a Medical PhD and is possibly the coolest and sexiest brainiac alive–and get some lady-baiting tips.
Lastly, stop selling yourself and your brothers as dickless dorks that don’t know Vanilla Ice from Eminem or up from down or eunuch from Munich. You’re better than that.
Filed under: Beauty and the Geek, Crybabies, Dickless Dudes, Eliminasian, Higher Learning, Nerds, Reality TV, Science is Sexy, Self-Improvement
Who Hassled the Hok?
I’m clearly not the only one with a crush on So You Think You Can Dance’s Hokuto “Hok” Konishi. He’s smokin’ hot! That face, that accent, those moves… swoooooooooooooon city.
So you can imagine my disappointment when, in the story package shot for Tuesday’s live episode, he reverted to speaking in Japanese only to discuss the shame of being shorter than his partner Jamie when she’s rocking heels.
Hok, you hunk, why was this necessary? Why intrinsically link your vertical inferiority with your Asian identity?
I suppose the better question would be, which Producer asked you to do it? Was it the same guy who ching-chonged up the music for Lauren “Misha” Gottlieb’s racial drag story last week? And was he just threatened of the big bulge in your pants?
It’s too bad you were eliminated before you had a chance to redeem yourself.
Filed under: Ching Chong Music, Eliminasian, Hassle Hok, Lauren Gottlieb, Reality TV, Shame, Short Shmort, So You Think You Can Dance?
First Eliminasian
Canada’s Next Top Model, a merger of two of my very favorite things–Canouks and aspiring mid-level models– just kicked off the season.
And the first one out?
Mika–the Asian–who looked like a sad deer, and I believe was wearing SUNGLASSES on her head (!!!), during the eliminasian.
FOILED AGAIN!!!!
See video of the sad news being delivered by host Jay “Discount Tyra” Manuel here.
Filed under: Asian Models, Canada's Next Top Model, Eliminasian, First One Out, Jay Manuel, Reality TV, Tyra Banks
