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Filed under: Badvertising, Bonehead Moves, Chink Eye, Chink Eye in Advertising, Copyranter, Dumbasses, Everyone Who Worked On This One Should Be Fired, How To Make Friends With Asians, Racist Ads, Screwed Up Eyes, See Asia Like Asians Do Ad, Ukraine, Weird Ukrainian Behavior
Earlier this month, Rihanna tweeted a pic of a bag of rice cakes dressed in wayfarers and gold hoops accompanied by the caption “Ima make u my bitch,” which everyone interpreted as her throwing shade at Karrueche Tran, Chris Brown’s current girlfriend, who is of Vietnamese and African American descent.
Some people have asked if this is racist. YES. Yes it is. I think of Rihanna’s legion of young fans who are Asian, and I’m sad for them. I’m sad, too, that Rihanna’s instigating a bitchfight with another woman over a man-child who, um, beat her in the face.
I’m also sad that Rihanna’s eating janky-ass Safeway-brand rice cakes when she should be all over Lundberg organics, and yes, I do think that’s a metaphor for her shitty life choices.
Filed under: Birthday Cake, Children, Chris Brown, Chris Brown Abusive, Chris Brown's Girlfriend, Dumbasses, Karrueche Tran, Racist Tweets, Rice Cakes, Ricism, Rihanna, Stupid, Twitter Wars, You're All Grounded
As some of you know, our site was down yesterday.
And unlike most Monday mornings, where the most disturbing thing greeting us first thing is our weekend hangovers, there was so much bad shit going on in the world.
In other words, so much bad shit to blog about.
There was the ongoing tragedy taking place on Twitter, enacted by randos and well-known players alike–50 Cent, Gilbert Gottfried, the WNBA’s Cappie Poindexter, Family Guy writer Alec Sulkin–that made fun of the ongoing tragedy in Japan.
And, of course, there were also those two viral videos. The one about Asians in the library from UCLA student Alexandra Wallace, and the one about God punishing Japan with the earthquake because it’s a country of atheists (which has since been revealed as a hoax and the work of a troll).
Like we said: SO MUCH BAD SHIT.
So how, in a moment like this, could the Internet betray us and leave us without a forum to air out our grievances? Normally, we’d blame evil gnomes–which a friend suggested look exactly like Arcade Fire–but this was different. This was bigger.
Filed under: Alexandra Wallace, Asians In The Library, Assholes, Cheesedicks, Ching Ching Ling Long Ting Tong, Chinglish, Dickburgers, Dickfaces, Dumbasses, Earthquake, Gnomes, God Is So Good, Hangovers, Idiots, Internet Memes, Japan, Racists, Trolls, Tsunami, Twitter, UCLA, YouTube
LIKE WOW OMG WTF LOL!!!!!!!!!
Tila Tequila has a gossip blog called MissTilaOMG.com!!! OMG!!! And like Tila, it has a VERY tenuous grip on reality!!! For example! Gossip Cop reported today that Tila posted about Drew Barrymore’s tell-all coloring book!!! And she asked her readers if they’d buy it and who exactly was the intended audience?! OMG!!! Because it, like, deals with adult themes like addiction and SEXuality!!!!!
Only problem is, the coloring book isn’t REAL!!! It’s a fake-as-Tila’s-breasts story from The Onion!!! WATCH BELOW LOL!!!!!!!
Filed under: Bad Reporting, Drew Barrymore Coloring Book, Dumbasses, Exclamation Point Abuse, Fact Checking, Fake Tits, Gossip Sites, Idiots, Miss Tila OMG, OMG, Reality Checks, Reality Has-Beens, STFU, The Onion, Tila Nguyen, Tila Tequila
Reigning Miss Teen Louisiana, Lindsey Evans, lost her crown yesterday–11 days early–after she dined ‘n’ dashed with three female friends in Bossier City, LA over the weekend but FORGOT HER PURSE IN THE RESTAURANT. Which, in addition to her ID, ALSO CONTAINED A BAG O’ WEED. (The bill, by the way, was $46.07 for 4 people.)
This is just lazy and stupid. Leaving your purse at a restaurant where you skip out on the check? That’s shamefully poor planning. Forgetting your bag of weed anywhere? What the hell kinda stoner is she? She either hasn’t smoked enough to understand its value or she’s smoked way too much to remember anything; whatever the case may be, her little pea-brain clearly can’t afford it. Also, what sort of pretty white girl can’t charm her way out of getting busted for not paying an inexpensive check and carrying a little bag of pot in her purse?
The only good news for Lindsey is that she won’t be needing brain cells in the future, where she hopes to become a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. On second thought, I’m sure she’ll find a way to fuck that up, too. High-kicking in white boots and your underwear does require some basic motor skills and coordination.
Check out her mugshot. She looks like Tracy Flick’s dumb cousin whom Tracy is ashamed of and refuses to acknowledge in school:
Filed under: Asians Aren't Lazy, Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, Dine 'n' Dash, Dumb Blondes, Dumbasses, Lindsey Evans, Marijuana, Miss Teen Louisiana, Pot, Stupid People, Tracy Flick, Weed, Weird Louisianan Behavior
In response to media outrage over the Spanish national basketball team making a slit-eyed gesture in a recent newspaper advertisement, the team’s point guard, Jose Calderon, who plays for the Toronto Raptors professionally, issued a statement via his personal website Tuesday.
No way, Jose! Dude, you are clearly unschooled in the way of our people and in desperate need of an educasian. First of all, everyone knows that if you want to make an Oriental Expression (“OE”), you do it with your hands, yo, and not your eyes.
The Peace Sign should always be your first option:
But in a classier, more formal Oriental setting, you could opt for the Buddhist prayer gesture, or Prayer Hands, as we like to call them.
But, sheeit, why stop at “somewhat loving”? You’re in the Land of Love You Long Time, after all. If you really want to demonstrate your affection for our people, why not, in the words of Chris Berman, GO. ALL. THE. WAY??!
Which brings us to the Middle Finger, aka The Finger, Flipping the Bird, The Bird. Because nothing communicates “huge respect” as appropriately as this expression does. Take it from us–two bona fide Orientals–the Middle Finger may not be exclusive to our culture, but it’s nevertheless prized among rice eaters. Not only because it’s succinct and to the point, but because it leaves no room for interpretasian. And interpretasian is really the culprit in this case, and not, say, willful ignorance and cultural ineptitude, right?
Filed under: Disgranish, Dumbasses, Jose Manuel Calderon, Oriental Expressions, Please Stop Flashing Peace Signs Peeps, Prayer Hands, The 2008 Olympics, The Finger, The Spanish Basketball Team, Way to Go Spain
Michelle Malkin doesn’t know what a “gherkin” is. Yesterday, she posted a 60 Minutes interview with the Obamas during which Barack made tuna fish sandwiches for his family with chopped-up gherkins in them and wrote, “(D)on’t ask me what those are, I have no idea.” Is Michelle politicizing food again? Does she think tiny pickles are elitist, too? Or is she a Size Queen? Perhaps pickles are too sour for her sweet constitution. Or she doesn’t own a dictionary. You would think that, as a blogger, she’d be hip to this newfangled thing called Wikipedia. Or maybe it’s that the word “gherkin” is Persian in origin…and we know how she feels about Persians. Persians are foreign. Persians are terrorists. In which case, I gather Michelle doesn’t use the words “candy,” “lemon,” “pajama,” or “sugar” either, since they’re Persian, too. What did Michelle eat when she was pregnant? Non-elitist pickles? Like, Vlasic or something? I guess she doesn’t realize that even Vlasic makes gherkins, too. Maybe we should send some over to her, extending those tiny pickles like an olive branch? “Malkin” and “gherkin”–they actually share the same suffix! And when you combine them, you get the delightful word “merkin.” I know, I know, a merkin really has nothing to do with any of this, but for some reason, as I was thinking of Michelle Malkin and her problem with tiny pickles, a pubic hair-wig just happened to come to mind.
Midweek, Lindsey Oliver, one of the 17 pregnant Gloucester teens, denied that there had ever been a pact among her high school girlfriends to get wit child:
“There was definitely no pact,” Oliver told “Good Morning America.” “There was a group of girls already pregnant that decided they were going to help each other to finish school and raise their kids together. I think it was just a coincidence.”
Oliver also maintained that she had gotten pregnant “by accident” and had been on the Pill.
Pregnant on the Pill? Sure it happens, kinda like when your dog eats your homework. The FDA lists pregnancy rates when using the Pill between .1%, if taken properly, and a mere 5%, if you’re a fuckup. Condoms, when used properly, have a pregnancy rate of 3%. Even the pull-out method, which was what the girls who got knocked up at my high school would use to “protect” themselves, has a pregnancy rate of only 4% when performed properly.
Key word: “properly.” So, either Lindsey Oliver is a total dumbass or maybe, just maybe, she hasn’t been schooled properly. And to think there are people who still believe that American teens don’t really need a proper sex education.
Zhang Ziyi may be happy: One actress made a point at The Cannes Film Festival to discuss her groundbreaking awareness of the earthquake horrors that had just occurred in China. It looks like wacktors and wacktresses know what’s going on the world after all!
Sharon “Not Just Stupid But Crazy” Stone vomited up this pile when asked whether or not she knew that the quake had occurred:
Here’s a transcript, just in case you can’t handle her face and voice at the same time:
“Of course I have. Well you know, it was very interesting because at first I am, you know, not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans, because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else. And so, I have been very concerned about how to think and what to do about that because I don’t like … that.
And then I’ve been, this, you know, concerned about, oh, how should we deal with the Olympics, because they’re not being nice to the Dalai Lama who is a good friend of mine. And then all this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?
And then I got a letter from the Tibetan Foundation that they wanted to go and be helpful. And that made me cry.”
My, what incredible insight and mind-boggling influence! Not only is Stone a famous (aka important) actress (aka genius), but she’s tight with the Dalai Lama (aka popular!) and an emotional (aka melodramatic) self-sacrificing philanthropist (aka self-congratulating sad soul that feels the need to justify an empty existence by aligning herself with do-good trends) speaking her mind to the public!
Although, hmm. There’s just something–and I haven’t quite put my finger on what it is–about nonchalantly attributing a natural disaster that has killed tens of thousands and displaced millions of Chinese citizens… to karma. A massive “punishment” unleashed upon innocent citizens as payback for the decisions being made by their ruling Communist government.
We’ve received many a love letter from Michelle Malkinites since we made her DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK!, and we’ve cherished each and every one of them. Here are some highlights:
I see that you are another perfect example of a public school graduate.
Why do you live in a country you hate so much? I’d pack up and leave even after spending 22 years protecting the right of fools like you to make fools of yourself. I’m a bird of prey called a Chickenhawk, which feeds on defenseless doves.
[Did you mean "cavalry"? Just checking.--Ed.]
Why do you disgrace yourself with such ugly attacks?
I just don’t understand why, unless you just can’t make a point
without your favorite ‘fucktard’ word plus the lowly narcissistic
And then my personal favorite, from “gangrel_vtm”:
you’re a dumbass
It should come as no surprise that from such a pool of erudition sprang this Obama campaign poster, which Michelle proudly posted Wednesday:
So let’s get this straight. Malkin & Co. are reverting to a McCarthy-era, fear-mongering, free speech-hating, censorship-loving, civil rights-nixing, “liberals are all Pinkos”-style of politics? Is that eau de désespoir they’re wearing? Don’t they know how well that turned out the first time around?
Sigh. WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKTARDED DUMBASSES.